Chapter 37

Bern, April 1918

The last of the snow had melted away, but the trees still stood with their black branches naked. The city was left with the ghost of winter lingering among its orange roofs. The promise of spring was in the air now, and Rebecca smelled it as she came to the front door of her home. She was in a hurry, as always, but she noticed the bird. It sat on a small patch of wet grass by the front door with its orange chest puffed up, likely trying to keep warm. A robin. Mark’s favorite bird. He said it meant new beginnings, she remembered.

Grief came swiftly, throwing heavy waves at her chest and making it hard to breathe. Suddenly, she could feel it soaking into every cell of her body, and she felt unable to withstand its force. Her legs shook, her stomach felt a punch, and she held her throbbing head with both hands. She gasped for breath, then sat down on the steps. She’d become used to these attacks since Mark had disappeared. So many things reminded her of him. She lost control of her senses frequently these days. There seemed to be no way to stop the pain. She almost welcomed it now. Craved it. That’s how she knew she was still alive and could go on doing her work.

“Oh, Rebecca, not again!” Sarah’s hands were holding her, trying to stop the shaking.

“I saw a robin,” she cried.

“There’s always something to see.” Sarah lifted her from the steps and knocked.

The housekeeper opened the door, and Sarah took Rebecca to the living room. The house was quiet. Her parents were out visiting tonight, but Rebecca had insisted she needed some time to catch up on correspondence.

“We’re going to need some tea,” Sarah said to the concerned housekeeper, who was removing Rebecca’s coat.

Rebecca lay unseeing on the lounge chair, holding the ring Mark had given her.

“We’ll have some tea, and you’ll feel better.” Sarah rubbed her feet.

“He is never coming back,” Rebecca whispered.

She saw tears in Sarah’s eyes and knew the truth. She was right. He was never coming back. He was dead. Or worse—he’d stopped loving her.

“He loves you. It’s not possible for him to forget you,” Sarah said.

“It’s been eighteen months since he left. Anything is possible.”

“He’s probably fighting with the Red Army and can’t write. You know what we read about what’s happening there.”

“If what we read is true, he’s been in grave danger and is likely dead,” Rebecca replied.

“I won’t believe that.”

“I’d rather believe this than the alternative.”

“He would never stop loving you. Just look at your ring,” Sarah said gently.

Sarah was right—tea did make things better. Tea with Sarah always made things clearer.

“I don’t think I can keep on living like this,” Rebecca said, then got up and paced, turning the ring on her finger.

“You certainly can’t. You must stop grieving him. Then you can find someone else to love,” Sarah agreed.

“I mean that I can’t keep on living here. In Bern. Where everything reminds me of him. Everywhere I go. Everything I look at. Everyone we knew. I won’t ever recover from my grief.”

“What are you saying?”

“I have to leave Bern. I have to leave Switzerland, maybe.”

Sarah walked up to her and grabbed her shoulders. “Rebecca, there’s a war going on. You can’t go anywhere.”

“I know. But it will be over soon. Germany is losing, and Father says it’s only a matter of months now. I can leave as soon as it’s over.”

“My God, Rebecca, you can’t just leave your home!”

“It’s not my home anymore. It’s just a place where my broken heart aches every minute of every day.” She looked at her friend, pleading with her to understand.

“No one knows more than me about broken hearts, remember. But the heart will heal, if you allow it.” Sarah hugged her and held her head, stroking it. “It will get better, I promise. Don’t despair. And don’t run away. I have to go now, but I’ll phone you later to check on you.”

Rebecca closed her eyes and relaxed in the lounge chair as Sarah left, but she was interrupted by the housekeeper after what felt like just a few minutes.

“What is it now? I need some peace, Magda.”

“Pardon, Dr. Miller, but there’s an Edward Fischer requesting to see you.”

Rebecca jumped up in surprise. Edward? What was he doing here? She did enjoy his company, yet she was so tired and so desperate for some rest…

She sighed. “All right, I’ll see him,” she said. She straightened up her hair. Why was she doing this, exactly?

“I was beginning to worry you’d send me away. The rain has just started again.” Edward walked into the room, smiling.

“I apologize I kept you waiting. It’s been a bit of a difficult day,” she admitted.

“Won’t you tell me about it?” He kissed her hand and sat down.

“I don’t wish to bother you with my medical stories.”

“Well, what are friends for?” He smiled again.

She did enjoy his company very much. “Let’s forget about my troubles. How’s your effort on behalf of the American soldiers?”

“I’m working with the ambassador, Mister Stovall, on an appeal to Switzerland to establish a unit here to treat all those who are severely wounded and can’t be transported home. We’re proposing to send a few American physicians to Switzerland to work with the Swiss Red Cross to help treat them.”

“That would be very much appreciated. We’re badly in need of additional help at the hospital. All the physicians have been working day and night with no time off lately. The strain is showing.” Rebecca was thrilled to hear the news.

“What I’m really hoping is that we can negotiate for the release of many of the prisoners of war. The war is coming to an end. Mr. Stovall is arranging for a conference, here in Bern, in September, to discuss with the German government the soldiers’ repatriation and internment, if the war is not over before then.”

“And how is Eva?”

“Desperate to return home. Both she and Mother are quite homesick and keeping me busy looking for a passage home.”

“But it can’t possibly be safe yet?”

“Any moment now, I hear. The difficulty seems to be a lack of available ships. All of them have been in use in the war and are no longer equipped for transatlantic passenger travel.”

“How long will you have to wait?” Rebecca asked. She needed to know. She must leave herself.

“I hear that it’s barely a few months. We hope to leave this summer, maybe after another stay in the mountains.”

“It’s probably for the best that you must wait. Influenza has been raging in America, but it’s beginning to slow down. It’s dangerous for Eva’s lungs to be exposed to it. One more stay in the Alps would do her good.”

“Yes, I’ve heard about the influenza. We do wish to prevent exposing her to any new illness.”

“I shall miss you,” she said, smiling. She would be able to leave Switzerland after the summer then too. This was good news indeed. Should she tell him of her plans?

Edward blushed, then turned away. What was the matter with him?

“Shall I call for some refreshments?” she asked, concerned.

He stopped her with his hand. “Dear Rebecca. What if you didn’t have to miss me?”

“What do you mean? You’re thinking of staying here, while your family returns home?”

“No, that’s not what I’m thinking.” His eyes were watery, and he suddenly got up and kneeled in front of her.

“What are you doing?” But she knew.

He took her hand. It felt like lead. Still, she couldn’t stop him.

“You may have noticed that we’ve become close friends in the last few years. It may be the case that this was just a friendship for you. But I’m finding that, for some time, I haven’t been able to think of you as a friend,” he began.

She shook her head and opened her mouth, but words wouldn’t come out.

“Don’t say anything yet. Please,” he pleaded. “I know that you don’t share my feelings because you still love Mark. I don’t mean to be cruel, but it doesn’t seem as if he is coming back. I thought, rather selfishly maybe, that I might have a chance. You know I’m a good man. I can provide for you, even though you don’t need it. I’m kind and gentle and will always treat you with respect. The truth is—I love you. I have loved you for probably longer than I realized. I can’t imagine leaving Switzerland without you. Please consider my proposal.”

What to say? Her broken heart lay in pieces in her chest. “Dear Edward, I care so much for you, and I’m so honored by your love. But…I think my heart may always belong to another. I don’t think it’s fair for me to marry you. I care too much about you to hurt you.”

She felt the tears coming and then felt him kiss them.

“Marry me, and I will love you and care for you and help soothe your grief.”

“But you will know that I don’t love you!”

“I accept that. I know you care for me. We’re good friends, and that’s a great start for any marriage.”

Thoughts raced through her head. Was this the answer? She could leave with Edward and his family, go to America, and never have to see Bern again. And never have to think about Mark again. She gave Edward a shy smile.

“You will marry me then?” Edward’s face was happy and hopeful.

“Will I be able to practice medicine in New York?”

“Of course you will. I’ll never stand in your way.”

He took her face and kissed her cheeks gently. Then he took a small box out of his pocket and opened it. A diamond-and-ruby ring on a blue velvet pillow lay inside. She shuddered. Another engagement ring.

“Can I put it on you?” he asked.

She gave him her left hand. Her right hand would always wear Mark’s ring, until the day she died. Edward’s ring shone, and she couldn’t help but open her eyes in surprise at the beauty of it.

“Do you like it?”

“I do. It’s beautiful.”

“So? Is this a yes?”

Her broken heart beat wildly, protesting, as she whispered, “Yes.”

He kissed her hand. “It’s all settled, then. I can’t wait to tell Mother and Eva. Will you and your family please dine with us tomorrow? To celebrate?”

“Of course,” she said. “Oh, but my parents…”

“I’ve already asked their permission. This morning.”

“That’s why they told me they would be gone for the afternoon,” she said, realizing her family had plotted against her.

She watched him leave later with joy in his step. He blew her a kiss from the door. She smiled. It was good to see him happy. And she now had a chance to forget too. Edward was a kind, good man. She believed he loved her. He’d take care of her broken heart. She knew it would never heal, but she also knew she’d be better if she left for America.