Chapter 39

Bern, May 1919

It was raining. Rebecca opened the window and inhaled as the fresh smell of wet leaves, flowers, and grass filled the room. She needed to remember what the rainy morning smelled like in her home. She needed to remember every last moment in her home. Nothing would ever be the same again.

The robin was there, perched on the tall branch of the linden tree. It had been there, every morning, for weeks. She smiled and waved it in.

“Come in, then. You know the way.”

The bird flew in, making circles around the chair where her wedding dress was carefully laid out. It landed on her writing desk, where paper and pen lay at the ready. It turned its head and looked at her, questioning.

“Yes, my friend. Today is the day.”

The robin hopped closer. She stretched her hand out, the way she had seen Mark do it, and the bird hopped into it, its feet tickling her palm. She gently brought the palm closer to her face. The little bird held on and showed no fear, chirping happily and puffing up a bit.

“I have to leave my home today and live with my new husband. In a few months, I’ll leave Switzerland forever. Edward says birds like you look different in America, so I’ll miss you, my little friend. I’ll miss everything about my home.”

She wiped at the stream of tears coming down her cheeks. “One day, though, I will die. When that day comes, I want my soul to fly back here and become a bird just like you. Then I can soar free and go wherever I’d like and not feel the pain of a broken heart. Because it’s too much to bear sometimes, little friend.”

Rebecca set the bird down on the desk. “We have to write a letter to Mark now. Be quiet, no chirping! We don’t want anyone to come in yet and catch us doing this. This has to be our secret, all right?”

The robin hopped to the corner of the desk, standing still as if understanding.

“Where do I start?” Rebecca looked down, tears falling on the paper in front of her. She wiped them. It wouldn’t do to mark the paper, the letters would come out all smudged.

My Dearest Beloved, she wrote. And then the rest came easily. She needed him to know. She couldn’t marry Edward without Mark knowing. She didn’t want him to think she had abandoned him. It’s just that she wasn’t strong enough to live with a broken heart, without him, here in Switzerland.

“Well, that’s done now, birdie. You’d better go,” she told the robin. “I don’t want anyone to shoo you away. Good-bye now. If you get a chance to fly to Ukraine, maybe you can find Mark for me and tell him about my leaving.”

The bird heard her and flew out. Rebecca closed the windows. The rain had stopped now. It was time to announce her being awake to the rest of the house. The awful process of preparations for her wedding was about to begin.

Hours later, she stood examining her reflection in the mirror. She didn’t look anything like herself. The dress had been purchased by Mother and Grandmother, without her consent. Well, they did ask her to participate in the selection, but she was busy at the clinic that day. And on every other day that they wished for her to shop for the wedding dress. So the end result was this hideous white frock that made her look like a pile of snow. The layers of satin, silk, and lace got all puffed up and tangled when she moved. She would’ve preferred to get married in a simple suit as many women did these days, but Mother wouldn’t hear of it.

“You look beautiful,” Sarah said, coming up behind her.

“No, I absolutely don’t. This dress is hideous.”

“I think you look rather nice in white. Where is the veil?”

“Grandmother is bringing it in a few minutes. She wanted to put it on.”

“Maybe, if it were a bit longer, it wouldn’t look so odd,” Sarah said.

“Maybe if I were a truly happy bride, it wouldn’t look so odd.”

“You’re not the first woman to marry without love. It may come later.” Sarah hugged her.

“It never came for you.”

“I married a monster. You’re marrying a kind man who loves you.”

“You’re right. I’m being ungrateful.”

“I understand. I know you still think of Mark. It will be easier, perhaps, when you start your new life in America. Oh, I will miss you terribly! I don’t know how I’ll live without you.” Sarah squeezed her hands tightly.

“What if you come with me? We can do the same work there as we did here. New York is badly in need of physicians, I hear. You could use a fresh start, as well. Oh, please think about it.”

“I don’t need to think about it. I can answer now. I can’t go with you,” Sarah said, letting go of Rebecca’s hands.

“But why not? What could possibly keep you here?”

“I’ve met someone. Someone who loves me. He is very kind to me, and I think I might be very happy with him.” Sarah’s eyes were full of love.

“What? You’ve said nothing about this. When did this happen?”

“About two months ago. I didn’t want to speak of it until I was certain of his feelings toward me. And mine toward him.” Sarah sat down on Rebecca’s bed.

Rebecca sat next to her and held her close. “Where did you meet him? And what’s his name?”

“He was one of the officers here for convalescence. I helped the Red Cross to arrange a visit for his mother and sister. His name is Hugh Fergusson; he is from Edinburgh. His family owns antique shops there. He wants to marry me and bring me back to Scotland with him. I could have a law practice there, I think.”

“So I will go to America, and you will go to Scotland. Both of us leaving Switzerland to go far away.”

“When will you go? Has Edward secured a safe passage?” Sarah asked.

“He has booked us a passage on the Mauritania when it starts crossing with passengers again in September. When will you go?”

“Hugh was waiting for me to tell him when I was ready. I think I might tell him I’m ready to be engaged now and marry in the fall. I wasn’t sure how to tell my parents.”

“With ships going transatlantic all the time soon, maybe we could see each other every once in a while.”

“Of course we will. I’ll never be too busy to visit my friend in America. And how exciting will that be!” Sarah smiled.

“Come now, we’ll not have tears on this wedding day,” Grandmother announced, walking into the room with her face hidden behind the yards of tulle veil in her hands.

“Happy tears, Fräu Miller, not sad,” Sarah said, winking at Rebecca.

“This mountain of veil, I hate it,” Rebecca said.

“Now, no granddaughter of mine will marry without a veil. You will like it once I arrange it on your head.” Grandmother began the process, pulling and tugging on Rebecca’s hair.

“Hurry up! It’s almost time to leave for the ceremony,” Mother called from downstairs.

Rebecca paled. This was it; the time to lose her heart forever was coming. She was to become Edward’s wife and not be Mark’s beloved any longer. She’d never be the same person again; it was simply not possible. She would be someone living a lie, every minute of every day. Yet she couldn’t imagine not going through with it. She swayed.

“Are you feeling faint, my dear?” Grandmother steadied her.

“I’m well. Just a bit tired from all the preparations. I think the veil looks good. Thank you.” The lies began already. The veil was hideous; it matched the ghastly dress very nicely. Now she fully looked like a snowy mountain. And the veil itched her hair terribly.

Suddenly she remembered. “Oh, Grossmami, I have to give you something. Before I leave tonight and forget.” Rebecca ran to her jacket and pulled out a letter. “Here, please take it for safekeeping. It can’t stay here.”

“And who is this for?” Grandmother checked the name on the envelope and pursed her lips. “Why do I need this?”

“In case he returns.” Rebecca swayed again and held onto the back of the chair.

Grandmother grabbed her arm and brought her face close, looking intensely at her. “Rebecca, you must remember—he’s never coming back. Today, of all days, you must repeat this to yourself. It won’t do you any good to still pine for him. It’ll ruin any chance you have with your new husband.”

Rebecca pulled away from Grandmother’s hold. “Don’t you think I know this? I just want him to have a note from me, just in case. Because soon I’ll leave here forever. Please, won’t you keep it for me? It makes me feel happy to know I left it. I can’t leave here without that. If you want me to be happy in my new marriage, please keep this letter for me!”

Grandmother sighed and tucked the note into the pocket of her jacket. “All right, I’ll do what you wish. I’ve always spoiled you. But you must forget him.”

“Time to go now,” Father said from the door, then gasped when he saw Rebecca. “How beautiful you are! I never thought I’d see such a sight!” He offered her his elbow.

There it was, time to say goodbye to her old life and start her new one. She looked at her room quickly and said goodbye to her things: her furniture, her walls, her window, her rugs. She would never come back here the same person again. She would be Rebecca Fischer in a few hours and never Rebecca Miller again. She fixed her veil and walked to the car, not looking back. It was time to marry Edward and move on.