…you got to look for the sunny side…getting your toe stepped on ain’t no bargain but it beats hell out of getting kicked in the groin…
Monroe D. Underwood
Suicide Lewisite sat in gloomy silence.
I said so what’s on your mind?
I said you didn’t come all the way from Radish River just to step on my toe.
Suicide Lewisite said no I’m here to hire you to investigate the Radish River Possumcats.
He said we’ll pretend you’re some kind of sports reporter and by associating with my players you may be able to find out what the trouble is.
I said I already know what the trouble is.
I said you got no offense.
I said you also got no defense.
Suicide Lewisite said yes but there must be a reason for this.
He said if it’s dissension I got to know about it.
He said this team isn’t as bad as it looks and right now I’m angling for the one player who could turn it all around.
He said if I get him we still got a shot at the bacon and I may not commit suicide as soon as expected.
I said if he’s that good why isn’t he in the National Football League?
Suicide Lewisite said well I understand that he’s just a bit on the eccentric side.
He said can you be in Radish River by Saturday?
I said hell I can be in New Zealand by Saturday.
I said I get seventy-five a day.
Suicide Lewisite shook his head.
He said no you don’t.
I said who says I don’t?
Suicide Lewisite said the new owner of the Possumcats says you don’t.
He said the new owner says you get two hundred a day.
He said the new owner seems to think you’re worth it.
He said you see this is all the new owner’s idea.
He said except the part where I stepped on your toe.
I said who’s the new owner?
Suicide Lewisite said some real nice old lady by the name of Hepzibah Dodd.