…if a joke ain’t cruel it ain’t no joke…
Monroe D. Underwood
The bus paused at a traffic signal on the shady outskirts of Radish River.
To my right was a vacant lot and a huge sign.
In big black block lettering it read GO YOU RADISH RIVER POSSUMCATS KICK THEIR GODDAM TEETH OUT GO GO GO TEAR THEIR BALLS OFF KILL KILL KILL THREE CHEERS FOR RADISH RIVER POSSUMCATS HIP HIP HOORAY HIP HIP HOORAY.
RADISH RIVER CHAMBER OF COMMERCE
I got off the bus in front of the Radish River Drug Store.
A stocky well-dressed graying man of fifty or so was waiting for me.
He said Mr. Chance Purdue?
I nodded.
The stocky guy shook my hand.
He said I’m Mayor Bradford Boone.
I said congratulations on your election.
Mayor Boone said that was three years ago.
I said better late than never.
Mayor Boone grabbed my suitcase and escorted me to a black Mercedes-Benz parked across the street.
He said I’m to drive you to the residence of the new owner of the Radish River Possumcats.
He said Hepzibah Dodd will be putting you up during your stay with us.
He said she’s a sweet little old lady.
He said I don’t really believe you’ll be in serious danger of sexual attack.
He laughed wildly.
I didn’t.
Mayor Boone cleared his throat.
He said yes well apparently that will take care of the humor department for this afternoon.
He said we’ve really taken old Hepzibah Dodd to our hearts here in Radish River.
He said of course she has no choice but to get rid of Suicide Lewisite.
He said Suicide Lewisite couldn’t coach cats to eat canaries.
I shrugged.
I said maybe he just doesn’t have the material.
Mayor Boone said well I suppose he’s trying.
He said I understand he’s been dickering for the services of a super-star named Zanzibar McStrangle.
He said they say McStrangle can really turn a football game around.
I said the name doesn’t ring a bell.
I said what college?
Mayor Boone said I’m not certain but I believe I’ve heard mention of a Barnum-Bailey.
I shrugged.
I said probably one of those small southern schools.
Mayor Boone said Mr. Purdue I’m told that you’re a sportswriter.
I nodded.
I said well.
Mayor Boone said I want you to know that favorable comment concerning the Possumcats will be greatly appreciated.
I nodded.
Again.
I said well.
Again.
Mayor Boone said in Radish River we take our football very seriously.
I said I’m beginning to get that impression.
I said I write for a quarterly sports review so my article won’t appear until late December.
Mayor Boone said what’s the name of the quarterly sports review?
I said Quarterly Sports Review.
Mayor Boone said oh yes the Quarterly Sports Review.
A white Cadillac covered with hundreds of brightly colored streamers pulled away from the curb to lead us past a large red brick building where people threw confetti and hollered and waved.
I smiled and waved back.
I said Mayor Boone I appreciate the welcome but you shouldn’t have gone to all this trouble.
Mayor Boone said Mr. Purdue we seem to have become entangled in a wedding procession.