…it costs two cents to grow a head of lettuce and a quarter to get it picked and fifty cents to ship it and a man would starve to death on it in a week…
Monroe D. Underwood
Zanzibar McStrangle stood near the Radish River bench.
He munched a head of lettuce.
He surveyed the scene with the impassivity of the seasoned professional.
He was probably no taller than five-three but he must have weighed close to five hundred pounds.
He had a dark pugnacious face and quick beady eyes and great hairy hands.
In his Radish River football uniform of Lombardy lavender and peachy cream he was indeed a sight to behold.
Suicide Lewisite assembled his squad and announced that Zanzibar McStrangle would play tackle on defense and that he would operate as number-one running back on offense.
The Cranberry Creek Gobblers won the coin-toss and elected to receive.
They returned the kickoff to the fifty.
Their first play from scrimmage went right up the middle.
Zanzibar McStrangle seized a Cranberry Creek lineman.
He held him high in the air with one hand.
He brought him down on the unfortunate Cranberry Creek ball carrier with a resounding thud that drove the poor bastard six inches into the turf.
The Radish River fans went wild with joy.
Suicide Lewisite was grinning from ear to ear.
The Cranberry Creek Gobblers decided to pass.
Their quarterback dropped into the pocket and looked for a receiver.
Zanzibar McStrangle rumbled into the Cranberry Creek backfield like a bulldozer into an anthill.
The quarterback retreated.
Zanzibar McStrangle caught him in the parking lot across the street.
He was attempting to stuff the hysterical athlete into the gas tank of a Radish River school bus when Suicide Lewisite arrived in the nick of time with a case of bananas.
At the close of the first half Radish River led Cranberry Creek 359-0.
The night had been blown to smithereens by an incessant scoreboard barrage of aerial bombs.
359-0 proved to be the final score.
The Cranberry Creek Gobblers failed to return for the second half kickoff.
I heard later that a few had entered monasteries and that the remainder had bought guitars to become wandering minstrels.
The Radish River fans held a torchlight parade that went on until three o’clock Sunday afternoon.
In Radish River they take their football very seriously.