…Don Quixote was a guy what went around pretending he was something he wasn’t…started an irreversible trend…
Monroe D. Underwood
Sunday morning across the table from an unclothed Brandy Alexander is an experience not easily dismissed.
My coffee had gone stone cold before I remembered I had it.
Brandy wrinkled her flawless nose at me.
She said is something wrong?
I said not that I can think of.
Brandy said then what are you staring at?
I shrugged.
Brandy said whatever it is it must be mighty damned interesting.
She said your eyes are crossed.
I said well in the first place it isn’t an it.
I said it’s a them.
I said and in the second place I didn’t start it.
I said they stared at me first.
Brandy said shall I put on a brassiere?
I said I didn’t say that.
Brandy lit two cigarettes and handed one to me.
She said Purdue I suppose you’re looking for answers.
I chuckled.
I said well by God Brandy I simply can’t imagine what the hell ever gave you that idea.
I said all that’s happening is you’re galloping around impersonating the widow of Don Quixote and making screwball telephone calls and buying football teams ten miles from where Christ lost his moccasins and dragging me into hick towns to pose as what I ain’t in order that I can do something I don’t have the slightest goddam idea how to do so why should I want answers?
Brandy shook her head and sighed.
She pushed her coffee cup to one side.
She folded her arms on the table.
She leaned forward and looked at me intently.
She said Purdue I adopted the role of Hepzibah Dodd when I realized that I was being followed and that my office and apartment telephones were tapped.
She said somebody knows that I’m onto something important.
She said Hepzibah Dodd gave me freedom of movement and pay telephones provided me with a certain amount of privacy.
She said the CIA arranged my temporary possession of an apartment above the Fall Out Inn.
She said I occupied it as Hepzibah Dodd and I contacted you as Mrs. Jonesberry.
I said why didn’t you just call and say you wanted to see me?
I said the phone at Wallace’s Tavern isn’t bugged.
Brandy said I wanted to test my disguise.
She said I figured that if a man who knew every inch of me couldn’t crack it no one could.
I said where does the CIA come in?
Brandy said the CIA is picking up the tab for the entire operation.
She said the football team and this house and both of our paychecks.
She said I brought you down here on a couple of ridiculous pretexts and here we are in Radish River with ideal cover for our activities.
She said I’m an eccentric old bat who bought a minor league football team for a plaything and you’re the guy she hired as her legman.
I said where did Hepzibah Dodd sit at the game last night?
Brandy said in the east end-zone seats.
She said near the locker room doors.
I said did she throw that copy of An Inquiry Into the Nature and Causes of the Wealth of Nations?
I said by Adam Smith?
Brandy said yes it was an excellent opportunity to get rid of the damned thing.
She said it’s been a valuable prop but Hepzibah was tired of carrying it around.
She said besides the fans just loved it.
I said okay so now we’re in Radish River fooling everybody.
I said especially me.
I said why?
Brandy said I won’t go into that just yet.
She said but I can tell you that this is by far the biggest damned thing you and I have ever tackled.
I shrugged.
Brandy said there’s strong evidence indicating that Radish River has been selected as the point of emergence.
I said as the what?
Brandy said point of emergence.
I said well I will be eternally doodledy-ding-donged.
Brandy said Purdue when you learn what I’m talking about you won’t take it so lightly.
I said so who’s taking it lightly?
I said I just realized I’m down to one cigarette.