…television is something what is built by the least-paid for the least-intelligent…
Monroe D. Underwood
Sir Lennox Nilgood Fiddleduck was an angular darkly handsome man with a deeply resonant voice.
He sat drinking a steaming cup of tea and rubbing his jaw.
I said sorry Sir Lennox.
Sir Lennox grinned a rueful grin.
He said good show Purdue.
He glanced at Brandy.
He said I’m bloody glad he’s on our side.
Brandy said yes wouldn’t that be nice?
She said Purdue will it be all right if I run into the bedroom to dress?
She said I mean you won’t hit Sir Lennox on the head with a piano or anything like that?
I shrugged.
I said you ain’t even got no goddam piano.
Brandy came over and kissed me on the cheek.
She whispered Purdue don’t be sore.
I shrugged.
Brandy excused herself and left the room.
Sir Lennox produced an old briar pipe.
He loaded it with coarse dark tobacco.
He put a match to it.
It smelled like a six-alarm junkyard fire.
Sir Lennox leaned back and smiled.
He said well Purdue the game is afoot.
I didn’t say anything.
Sir Lennox said the infamous Doctor Ho Ho Ho is up to his old tricks.
He said he’s a Chinese fiend incarnate.
He said he has the intellect of an Einstein and the outlook of a bloody king cobra.
He said he loves to kill and there’s no limit to his bizarre methods of eradicating human life.
He said in London he tricked one of our best operatives into visiting a WCTU meeting shortly after the Super-Kola had been spiked with Spanish fly.
He paled at the recollection.
He wiped away a tear.
He said good old Reggie.
He said in New York he lashed one of your FBI men to a chair in front of a television set.
He said the poor blighter laughed himself to death.
I felt a ripple of cold horror run up my spine.
I said oh good Lord man don’t tell me he was forced to watch the 1972 Democratic National Convention.
Sir Lennox nodded.
His voice broke.
He said every blooming minute of it.
Both of us shuddered.
I said frankly I believe our best television programs to be the test patterns.
Sir Lennox said oh veddy true and you Yanks have cornered the humorous test-pattern market.
I said I like those patterns with the different colored lines.
Sir Lennox smiled broadly.
He said oh yes by Jove those are smashers.
I said have you ever seen the one with the big circle and that goofy-looking Indian?
Sir Lennox said oh ripping simply ripping.
He threw back his head and roared with merriment for several minutes.
He caught his breath and wiped his eyes.
He said blimey matey I had nearly forgotten that one.
He said my favorite is the one with all those bloody little squares.
He slapped his knee and laughed until his face was red.
He was still in stitches when Brandy returned.
Brandy said I don’t know what you boys have been drinking but I’ll have a gallon on the rocks.
At this Sir Lennox let out a wild whoop and fell to his knees doubled-over in convulsions of laughter.
Brandy looked at me.
Blankly.
She said I can see it now.
She said my name up in lights.
She said Brandy Alexander the Broadway Sunbeam Girl.
She did a little sideways dance step.
She said twenty-three-ski-goddam-doo.
She flopped into a chair.
She said shit.