…if you was to put all the Chinamen in one room you would need a rather large room…
Monroe D. Underwood
I was sitting on the edge of the bed rubbing my eyes.
Brandy came to the bedroom door.
She said my God I thought you were in hibernation.
I said no but we stopped there on a troop train once.
Brandy said it’s after ten o’clock.
I said it’s about fifty miles out of Ashtabula.
Brandy said do you want breakfast?
I said after that we didn’t stop all night.
Brandy said the coffee’s ready.
I said except to take water.
Brandy sighed.
I said I think it was for water.
Brandy went away.
I dressed and stumbled into the kitchen.
I fired up a battered Camel and sat across from Brandy.
She was wearing her brown robe.
Closed tightly at the throat.
I said no double feature this morning?
Brandy shook her head.
She said not this morning.
She said I want you to concentrate on what I have to say.
I shrugged.
Neither of us spoke until Brandy poured my second cup of coffee.
She said I think you should know that this could be damned dangerous.
I said why?
I said the first cup was fine.
Brandy said now Purdue don’t start up with me again.
She said you know perfectly well what I’m talking about.
She said Doctor Ho Ho Ho is the most savage and merciless creature in all of history.
She said you still have time to get out.
I said if it’s all the same to you I’d like to wait and see the Annual Radish River Roman Chariot Race.
Brandy said is that the only reason?
I shrugged.
Brandy looked at me with level liquid brown eyes.
She said Purdue I know you love me.
I said is that a question?
Brandy said of course not.
I said then I don’t have to answer it.
Brandy said don’t you dare.
I said tell me about Doctor Ho Ho Ho.
Brandy said Sir Lennox Nilgood Fiddleduck had a brush with Doctor Ho Ho Ho years ago.
She said at that time Ho Ho Ho was plotting to blow up Buckingham Palace.
She said strictly bush-league when compared to what he has in mind this time around.
I said I’ll bite.
Brandy stared into her coffee cup.
Her voice grew solemn.
She said Purdue he’s about to invade the United States of America.
I said then what are we doing in southern Illinois?
I said we should be on the West Coast.
I said or the East Coast.
I said or some goddam coast.
Brandy shook her head.
She said he won’t invade by sea.
I said paratroopers?
Brandy said no.
I said well those are the only ways you can get here from there.
Brandy said you missed one.
She said Doctor Ho Ho Ho is digging a hole straight through the earth from the Russian side of the Manchurian border.
She said if our calculations are correct he’ll emerge in the Radish River area within a week.
She said Sir Lennox is in charge of our monitoring facilities and his recent readings have put Ho Ho Ho well east of the Missouri border.
I said this Ho Ho Ho must be a real bastard with a shovel.
Brandy said Purdue he’s using the most sophisticated drilling equipment ever designed.
She said the operation has occupied thousands of people.
I said I thought we were getting on better terms with the Chinese.
Brandy nodded.
She said we are.
She said if Ho Ho Ho shows up in China they’ll hang him so high he’ll freeze to death before he runs out of breath.
I said does the Russian government approve of this kind of carrying on?
Brandy said well Purdue that takes us right back to square one.
She said we’re up against DADA again.
I said are those maniacs still running around loose?
Brandy said the DADA organization has been recalled to Mother Russia explicitly for the Ho Ho Ho program.
She said they’ve worked with Ho Ho Ho every inch of the way.
She said DADA even designed the uniforms for Ho Ho Ho’s forces.
She said bright red with white helmets.
She said very sharp.
She said DADA arranged for Ho Ho Ho to break ground in a Russian-occupied Manchurian area that the Chinese have claimed for years.
She said this enables the Kremlin to look on without saying yes or no.
I said the Kremlin wouldn’t say yes or no.
Brandy said once Ho Ho Ho’s troops begin to surface they’ll come boiling out of that hole at a rate of fifty thousand a day.
I said the Kremlin would say da or nyet.
She said if Ho Ho Ho can escape notice for a few days he’ll have half a million troops in the center of America with more pouring in by the minute.
I said the reason I know about da and nyet is I got a phonetic Russian dictionary at home.
Brandy said Purdue stop it.
I said that must be one helluva hole.
Brandy said yes to be perfectly honest it’s the foremost engineering feat in the history of mankind.
She said still it hasn’t been as difficult as it would have been to tunnel from say Ecuador to Borneo.
I said safer too.
I said no wild men.
Brandy winced.
She said all right Purdue that does it.
She stood and pulled the belt of her brown robe.
She wiggled her tawny smooth shoulders.
The robe rustled to the floor.
Brandy took my hand.
She said come with me.
On our way into the bedroom she said how do you say this in Russian wise guy?
I shrugged.
I said well somebody knows.
I said all those goddam Russians didn’t get here by accident.