…I ain’t never been drunk…merely a little less sober…
Monroe D. Underwood
It was shortly after midnight.
I sat at Brandy’s kitchen table and stared into my cup of black coffee.
Brandy hovered over me like a mother eagle.
She said Sir Lennox how did you find him?
Sir Lennox looked at the floor.
He said well bloody damned drunk if you must know.
He looked at me.
He said no offense Purdue.
I shrugged.
I said fax are fax Fizzledick.
Brandy said where was he?
Sir Lennox said he was sitting on one of those chalk lines in the Radish River football stadium.
He said he was bellowing “God Save the Bloody Queen” at the top of his blooming lungs.
I said I beg your parn.
I said wass “Gol Bess America.”
Sir Lennox said oh yes “God Bless America.”
He said my error Purdue.
Brandy said was he alone?
Sir Lennox nodded.
I said point of order.
I said wass not alone.
I said wass with bottle Old Anchor Chain.
Sir Lennox glanced at his watch.
He looked up.
The way you look up when you hear your pilot holler banzai on the intercom.
He said blimey.
He said sixteen hours of uninterrupted drinking.
He said he must have a bloody fine physique.
Brandy leaned over my chair from the rear.
She slipped her arms around my neck.
Her breath was warm on my cheek.
There was a smile in her voice.
She said it isn’t bad Sir Lennox it isn’t bad.
She said Purdue what in God’s name were you doing in the football stadium at that time of night?
I shrugged.
I said singing “Gol Bess America” and drinking Old Anchor Chain and watching peoples load aerial bombs in goddam scoreboard.
I said if is anybody’s business.
I said which I dately grout.
Sir Lennox smiled.
He said with all those bloody aerial bombs Radish River must anticipate a complete rout of the Sycamore Center football squad.
I said well what the hell else?
I said they got a goddam five hundred goddam pound goddam gorilla playing goddam tackle.
Brandy lit a pair of cigarettes and handed one to me.
Then she doubled up laughing.
She laughed until tears came.
She dried her eyes.
She said Purdue forgive me.
She said you’re just too sweet for words.
She said I’ve never seen you drunk before.
I shrugged.
I said well it ain’t really no goddam big thing.
I said it juss got to run second to Hailey’s Comet.
I was feeling much better.
I mentioned this to Brandy.
I said I’m feeling much better.
Brandy stood patting me on the shoulder.
Soothingly.
She said Sir Lennox do we have time to go uptown for a drink?
I said well by God what a hell of an idea.
Sir Lennox said yes the local pub doesn’t close until two o’clock.
I said I don’t know what time it closes but I know what time it opens.
I said less get rolling.
Brandy said Purdue you’re going beddy-bye.
I said what am I a goddam outcast?
I said hell I ain’t had leprosy in over a month.
Brandy took my hand.
She pulled me to my feet.
She said big guy you’re wonderful.
She said I love you till I can hardly stand it.
She said now you’re going to bed.
I shrugged.
I said when will you be back?
Brandy ran her fingers back and forth through my crew cut and her tongue back and forth along my lips.
She said baby you’ll be the very first to know.