…the Royal Bengal Lancers got disbanded just as soon as they got done lancing all them Royal Bengals…
Monroe D. Underwood
I went into the little tavern at the south end of Radish River.
Both of its big plate-glass windows had been broken.
The bartender looked up.
He said oh my God.
He said you again.
He said ain’t you made it home yet?
I shrugged.
I said I must have.
I said I’m wearing different colored socks.
He said I just noticed that.
He said one’s black.
He said the other one’s sort of pink.
He said with hair yet.
I shrugged.
I said look pal nobody’s perfect.
He said I got to admit you made a very big impression in here yesterday morning.
I said doing what?
He said reciting “Barbara Fritchie” and singing “America the Beautiful.”
He said also conducting two hours of close-order drill.
I said for who?
He said well let’s see now.
He said there was me and Lefty Bates and Ebenezer Roberts and the beer truck driver and two nuns from St. Rockne’s Church.
I said I didn’t know that nuns hung out in taverns.
He said they don’t.
He said they just happened to be passing by.
I shrugged.
I said how did it go?
He said oh it went just great until you marched the whole damn platoon out through that right-hand plate-glass window.
I said well that don’t explain what happened to the left-hand window.
He said that got busted when you marched us back in.
I said I see.
I said thanks for not getting me locked up.
He said oh I would of got you locked up in a hurry only I couldn’t locate the chief of police.
He said what the hell do you do for a living?
He said besides conducting close-order drills.
I said I’m a writer for a sports rag.
He said what’s its name?
I said Sports Rag.
He said oh yeah Sports Rag.
He said I got a subscription.
I said what’s happening in town?
He said well the mayor just issued a proclamation.
He said he’s granting amnesty to everybody in the Radish River jail effective eight o’clock tomorrow morning.
He said if there’s any more trouble he’ll get the governor to mobilize the 000th Field Artillery.
I said the hooth?
He said the 000th Field Artillery is our local National Guard unit.
He said it ain’t exactly the Royal Bengal Lancers but it’s all we got.
I said where was it during the war?
He said well fifty percent of it was AWOL.
He said fifty-five percent of it was on a sick call.
I said where did that extra five percent come from?
He said probably the replacement depot.