I’m staring out at the London drizzle from my window with a cooling cup of tea in my hand. She’s gone. Just like she blew in so many times before, she blew out just as quickly. I put her in a cab outside my apartment to Gatwick last night.
I can still feel traces of her in the apartment, her outline in my bed and the smell of her shampoo in my bathroom. I have to go to class soon, but I’m having a hard time caring about school when I feel like a piece of my soul is gone. She said she trusted me to figure this out. How can I figure us out when I can’t even decide what direction to go in my own life?
I’m staring out at a city teeming with life and activity seeing nothing. All I can see is her smile in the back window as the cab took her away.
Shaking myself out of my reverie, I take a sip of tea. Blah, it’s grown cold. Tea can only be two ways, scalding hot or iced, not the lukewarm piss I’m holding. With a sigh, I take my cup back into the kitchen, placing it in the sink. Right now, there is at least one thing I can control, pulling in top marks on my exams.
Grabbing my bag, I head out to my first class of the day. This is my busiest day of the week. I have two exams and a review lecture. I’ll have to find a quick lunch between classes since I won’t return to my apartment until later this evening.
Returning a text promising to pop into the pub for a pint with some of the guys, I head out of the apartment. Getting lit this evening sounds like a pretty fucking good idea right now.
By eleven that evening, I‘ve managed to finish both exams successfully, review for my next one at the end of the week and make it to the pub. Actually, I’ve already been at the pub long enough to put away an ale and four shots of whiskey. We’ve played billiards where I won several pounds, thanks to Lily, and had the darts taken away from us by the bartender.
“I’m calling a cab for you, mate. You are way over your limit to walk home.” The manager is a good-natured guy from Cornwall who I’ve gotten to know during my four years here. He hails a cab, pouring me in and giving the cabbie my address.
I’m not that drunk, I think, as I try to stop swaying long enough to unlock the bottom door to my flat.
The climb to the third floor proves to be an even greater challenge as I seriously debate just sleeping in the hallway, but I think I still have a beer in the fridge that needs addressing. If I’m already this drunk, one more can’t hurt.
After what seems like an eternity scaling the equivalent of Mt. Everest, I make it to my door. Odd, I must have forgotten to lock it this morning in my fucked up state. That’s a new one for me. Opening the door, I fall to my knees right inside my flat.
“Fuck!”
Okay, I can hear myself slur my favorite cuss word. Maybe I have had more than enough for tonight. I still can’t chase the thought of Sophia leaving out of my mind though. There’s a slim chance if I pass out, she’ll stop haunting me.
Using the coffee table, I hoist myself back up from the floor, drunkenly brushing off my shirt. Just one or two more pints should do me.
“You’re a complete fucking dumbass.” I hear a familiar voice growl at me from the only chair in the living room.
Staggering back a step, my heart feels like it might leap out of my chest. Staring at him like he’s an apparition that just appeared in the corner, the little brother voice in my head insists I play dumb. Not hard considering the state I’m in.
“Grayson?” I ask.
He sighs as he stands, crossing over to me.
“Good lord. You smell like a fucking refinery. Apparently, you reached the distillery stage a while back and just kept going.” I grin at the dark shadow as it turns into my older brother or more like two visions of my older brother. A shiver runs through me at the horrific thought of Grayson as a twin.
“Watzup?” I give him my casual chin lift I perfected in high school. I’m still slurring pretty bad, but I think I might get away with it.
“Fuck, Teddy!” he says as I belch in his face. It’s fine. I can still bluff my way through this.
Then I feel my stomach start to roll, looking up at him in desperation. Grayson, always the smarter brother, is more astute at judging my condition than I am. He spins me around, grabbing me by the back of the collar. In about two strides, I find myself face down in the toilet as the ale makes its reappearance.
All I remember after that was throwing up forever, being forced to drink water, someone taking off my shoes, and a really terrifying scowl on Gray’s face.
“Wake up, you stupid douchebag.”
Oh fuck, I wasn’t dreaming. Grayson really was here last night. I so desperately hoped it was just a bad dream. I crack my eyes open to searing pain as my stomach tries to roll itself out of my body.
“What smells of rotting donkey ass?” I moan.
“It’s eggs, you little shit. Now get up and come eat.”
“Grayson. I’ll puke if you make me eat that. I swear I will.” Raising my hand in some form of a surrender sign, my eyes remained clamped shut.
“Good. This time I’ll hang you out the window by your ankles while you do.”
Grayson is a big guy, bigger than I am anyway. I’m not sure he wouldn’t do it just to prove his point.
I drag myself over, dropping into the closest chair, managing just barely to pry at least one eye partially open. Grayson plops a plate of ham and fried eggs down in front of me before starting on his own plate of breakfast. Desperate to quell the automatic gag that rises up in me, I chance a glance at him.
“Why are you poured into one of my t-shirts?” I can’t even muster a convincing smirk as I study him in the Ed Sheeran concert t-shirt he has managed to squeeze into. Judge me if you want, the man puts on a damn good concert.
Grayson looks up from his plate, glaring at me.
“Because you puked down the front of my dress shirt and I didn’t want to leave you to choke on your own vomit to go to the hotel and change. Now, shut up and eat.” He points to my plate, reinforcing his skills at tough love.
I pick up my fork, scooping up a piece of egg to stare at it.
“Now,” comes out in a growl.
I shove it into my mouth, trying to fight the war with my own stomach to keep it down. When I finally gag it down, I sit back. Okay, that wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I pick up another piece of egg, putting it into my mouth.
I’m starting to feel slightly better as I put the last of the ham in my mouth when Grayson stands before crossing to the bathroom. Returning, he hands me three aspirin.
I take them without any argument this time. Not even a mumbled curse word aimed at him. It goes completely against my nature not to kick up at least some sort of a fight with Grayson. Either I really am maturing finally or I just don’t have it in me today. He gathers up our dishes, placing them in the sink.
“Go take a shower. You stink,” he says, turning to start on the dishes.
With my proverbial tail between my legs, I slink into the bathroom. After taking as long as I think I can pull off drying off in the bathroom, I finally toss a fresh set of clothes on. I’m not looking forward to the tongue lashing I’m facing.
When I come out of the bathroom, Grayson is sitting back in the living room chair watching me. Crossing to the couch, I slump down, ready to get this over with. It’s not like it’s the first time he’s lit into me. I was quite a handful in high school.
“Okay, let me have it. I know you’re pissed.”
Grayson doesn’t yell at me. As a matter of fact, he does something completely out of character for him, taking me completely by surprise. He starts chuckling.
“Do you think you’re the first guy to get completely shit-faced over some girl?” he asks.
I look over at him, narrowing my eyes. “Who are you and what did you do with my brother?”
He shakes his head in amusement.
“What? Did you think your sister-in-law didn’t send me to the bar on several occasions when we first got together? Colin poured me into bed more than once, trust me.”
I grin at him. Colin was Grayson’s college roommate, remaining one of his best friends even today. Wherever drama was happening, Colin was guaranteed to be in the middle of it.
The memory of that first Thanksgiving when Grayson was knocked off his feet by Izzy and their unexpected first pregnancy hits me. At least I’m not in that bad of a mess. Or am I? Shit, I don’t know anymore.
Schooling his features, he studies me like I’m a drop in the stock market that should soon right itself.
“You at least look like you feel better. For a while, I thought I was going to have to have your stomach pumped.”
“Ack.” I gag, trying to not toss breakfast, thinking about it. When my stomach settles again, I take a deep breath before facing my brother. “Grayson, why are you here? Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to see you. But I can’t think you just happen to be in town?”
He studies me for a few more minutes. It took me years to learn to stare him down without breaking into a sweat before confessing to things I did. I think I even confessed to killing Jimmy Hoffa once because of that stare. Finally he rolls his eyes.
“I’m here to fix the latest shitstorm my little brother has landed in the middle of. The second Izzy hung up from Sophia’s phone call about her new assignment, she booked us a flight.”
“Wait. Izzy’s here? You didn’t tell her I was drunk, did you?”
As much as I love my brother, my sister-in-law was closer to me than our own mother had been. One disappointed look from her and my heart shatters.
“What do you think I told her was the reason I was leaving her with four kids to wrestle on her own at the hotel last night?”
“The kids are here too?” I look around like they might pop out of the walls at any second. There are a lot of them, you can never be too sure.
“Yes, we’re all here, the whole unruly horde. And they bounced on my head for the whole fucking ten hour plane ride, excited to see their uncle Teddy. So pull your shit together, we’re meeting them for lunch.”
I would try to bluff my way out of it with school until I felt better, but of course, Grayson knows I don’t have classes today. He has always kept up with my schedule and grades. He also insisted on keeping a spare set of keys to my apartment. I know he pays for it, but I might have to rethink that last one after last night.
“Let’s go,” Grayson says as he stands. “We don’t want to keep the ole ball and chain waiting.” He turns, heading out the door.
Grayson talks a good game, but I know he would walk through the fires of hell for Izzy. I was there when he did. He had been abandoned to a boy’s home at a much younger age than I was when he found me there. I watched as the man who wanted nothing to do with a family, believing he didn’t deserve one, freed himself from those chains.
Grayson had met Izzy at a charity auction when he was bought as her birthday present. Now eight years later, he has survived raising a teenage brother and has four children of his own. When he decided to finally open his heart to a family, he did it in spades. He’s always adhered to the belief of go big or go home.
We are walking down the sidewalk in silence on our way to meet Izzy when I hear squealing down the street in front of us. I look up to see two brown-haired beauties racing toward me.
“Uncle Teddy!”
I bend down in time to sweep them both into a bear hug before picking them up. I let out an “Umpf,” as something slams into my abs. Bending once more, I add a dark-haired boy into our group hug. My face is peppered with tiny kisses, my neck choked by small hands. It’s the absolute best feeling in the world.
“Let’s let Uncle Teddy breathe, how about?” I hear Izzy’s voice as kids are slowly peeled off of me.
“There’s my girl!” I say, pulling Izzy into an embrace. When I give her a kiss on the cheek, I hear a growl behind me. I don’t know what the problem is, I didn’t squeeze her ass this time.
“Okay, that’s enough. I swear I have to watch you every minute,” Grayson says.
So maybe I did squeeze her ass but didn’t notice? Izzy and I both break into laughter as we turn to see the scowl on Grayson’s face. There is a cacophony of little voices vying for my attention.
“Okay, troops. Line up tallest to shortest so I can look at you.” I say it in a pretend stern voice as the girls fight over who is the tallest. Once they stop, I appraise them carefully, looking over at Izzy. “What do you feed these children? Nothing but spinach?”
They break down in giggles.
“Uncle Teddy!” They all understand my love of the old Popeye cartoons, having watched them repeatedly with me.
“Enough silliness. Let’s go eat, then we’ll make Uncle Teddy take us on The Eye.”
You would think Grayson’s growl would send panic into his kids. But they’re not fooled, they know he is wrapped around their fingers. The girls slide their hands into mine, one on each side with Theo deciding he is too old to hold hands, at the ripe age of eight.
“How long will you be in town?” I ask as Izzy and Grayson follow behind us pushing a stroller with their youngest in it.
“We’re here for a whole week, Uncle Teddy. Can I come stay with you? Please?”
Looking down, I see their oldest looking up with eyes begging to spend time with me. I have been close to Theo since his birth. I’ve always considered him as much mine as Grayson’s. It’s funny how closely he resembles both of us, inheriting only Izzy’s amber eyes. I feel another shiver crawl up my arms, realizing that these beauties are exactly what Sophia and my children will look like someday.
“Hey, buddy. Why don’t we wait until Thursday night after Uncle Teddy’s last exam? Then you can go fill up on junk food and play video games until your brain rots,” Grayson says.
I watch as disappointment crosses Theo’s face.
“Yeah,” I add with an appraising look at him. “I’d also say you’re old enough for me to start teaching you how to troll for coeds.” I wink at him as I feel a light shove at my back.
“Teddy!” Izzy warns me.
“How about we find a nice Hispanic beauty for you?”
I feel Izzy’s fist slam into my arm this time as Grayson tries to stifle a snort of laughter.
“Ouch!” I say, then hear a second punch delivered.
“What? I didn’t say anything,” from Grayson.
“Yeah, Izzy. I’m just trying to make sure he follows in the Bennett footsteps,” I add, gearing up for the next punch. Theo spins toward his mom.
“It’s okay, Mom. I like pretty Hispanic girls like you.”
Grayson and I are saved from more wrath when she pulls him into a bear hug. Damn, maybe I’ve rubbed off on this kid more than I thought. It makes my chest swell with pride.
I eat most of my meal with the twins sitting on my knees even though they are almost five now. They’ve ignored Grayson’s repeated orders to sit in their own seats while Izzy fills me in on all of the gossip. I ignore him also, it’s not often I get to revel in such unfettered love from the cutest girls in the world.
I sit at rapt attention, listening to the latest updates on everyone back home. Matthew and Lily have finally managed to stop the flow of babies entering their house at an amazingly rapid pace. They have had three kids in as many years, all of them sons.
“I bet Mrs. Rhett is happy,” I tell Izzy, trying desperately to shovel another mouthful of shepherd’s pie into my mouth around Gracie.
“Between those boys and now Maggie expecting her and Colin’s baby any day, she stays on cloud nine all the time. With any luck, she’ll get her first granddaughter this time.”
“That’s crazy. I can’t believe Colin is finally becoming a dad. How are Marcus and Dia?”
“Still Fort Worth’s favorite power couple.”
Dia had worked her way up the corporate ladder to become one of Neiman-Marcus’ top buyers while Marcus enjoys a successful career as one of the area’s top surgeons. Choosing not to have kids, they had become everyone’s favorite aunt and uncle.
“How is Claire? Have you been up to see her and Alex in a while?”
Claire was one of Izzy’s friends from college. She met her husband Alex when she was visiting her family in Oregon at one of the local college libraries. They moved to England when he was offered a contract with the Manchester City soccer team.
“I was up there a couple of weeks ago. You know he is thinking of retiring from playing to coach in Glasgow now that Claire is expecting again? They like the idea of living closer to Molly’s grandparents.”
“I hadn’t heard that but we’re taking the train later to visit them, so I’m sure I’ll get all the dirt then,” Izzy answers.
Tori suddenly wraps her small hands around my face, turning me to meet her green eyes. That’s at least one thing inherited from Grayson.
“I have a secret,” she whispers at me.
“Victoria.” I hear the ominous warning come from Izzy.
“Out with it. We have no secrets in this family,” I say, fully expecting it is some silly thing from school or Saturday morning cartoons.
“Mommy is having another baby,” she loudly whispers to me.
My eyes whip around to Grayson who’s sitting there, looking anywhere but at the table.
“Shit, Grayson! It’s called a condom, learn to use one for fuck’s sake.” I’m already trying desperately to reel the words back in as they tumble out. Sometimes those things just fall out of my mouth with little warning.
“What’s a condom, Daddy?” a small voice asks from my lap.
I slowly start easing the girls off my lap as Grayson’s eyes narrow on me. I figure I can toss one of them at him as I make my escape out the door.
Somehow Gracie remembers the thrashing I got when I taught her the word fuck as much as I do. Her little arms wrap around my neck, clinging to me, her eyes narrowing at Grayson. She is so much like her mother, it’s hard not to laugh, which would make this so much worse for me.
Right before I can take off, Theo starts to laugh.
“Tor, it’s one of those stupid grownup things they never talk about. Just forget it, you have to be old before they’ll tell you.”
The girls nod their heads in unison, accepting Theo’s explanation as enough. This kid is brilliant, he really does take after me.
“Later I’m flaying the skin off of you.”
I can count on at least one threat an hour from Grayson. Looking over at Izzy, I start to apologize but her shoulders are shaking as she laughs into her hands. Looking back over at my brother, he points two fingers at his eyes then back at me.
“Yeah, yeah. Later I die a bloody death. What else is new?”
The rest of the day flows along smoothly. I manage to keep my mouth under control, mostly, as we drag the kids around London. I take them up in The Eye, tour the zoo and wander through The Tower of London, listening to horror stories of executions. I fill them full of fish and chips, topping it all off with candy for dinner.
By evening everyone is worn to a frazzle. I help Grayson carry the sleeping girls up to the room, tucking them into bed, as Izzy starts Theo’s bath.
“If you’ve got this, Iz, I’m going to go with Teddy for a while,” Grayson says.
Izzy kisses him on the cheek, whispering something in his ear. She steps over, giving me a big hug.
“It is really great to see you, Teddy.”
I squeeze her to me tightly before stepping back to follow Grayson out the door, already homesick for them. When we make it back to my apartment, Grayson heads to the kitchen to start the tea.
“I think I’m starting to go into coffee withdrawal,” he says, looking back at where I’m leaning against the back of a kitchen chair.
“Yeah,” I mumble, searching for something else to say.
He shakes his head before turning back to the kettle. When it’s done, he grabs the mugs of tea, motioning for me to follow him before resuming his seat in the chair.
As I slump on the couch, he studies me for a few minutes before setting his cup on the table. I see him physically settle deeper into the chair before moving his gaze back to me.
“So,” he begins. “What the fuck is going on? I hear Sophia is coming for a brief visit. The next thing I know, you’re calling me, wondering if we’ve heard from her. At midnight, Teddy. You scared the shit out of your sister-in-law.”
“I’m sorry,” I mumble.
Grayson just holds his hand up to shut me up.
“Then Izzy gets a call from Soph saying she’s gotten a promotion and leaves that night for Syria but refuses to answer anything else? Next thing I know, I find myself on a plane on the way to England, with four kids, to figure out what shit my little brother has gotten into this time. It’s a good thing Matthew knows our business as well as I do or I would have been sunk.”
He stops his tirade to wait for me to answer. I sit still, considering my hands for a moment. I don’t want to look up and face that scowl looking back at me.
“I can sit here all night,” Grayson growls at me.
I take a deep breath then start telling him the whole ridiculous story, starting from the moment I first saw her outside the restaurant. Bless Grayson, he listens to the entire story without once interrupting me. The only time I see him visibly flinch is when I mention that it was my first time and we didn’t use a condom.
When I’m done, Grayson stares out the window for several minutes.
“What do you want to do?” he asks quietly, cutting his eyes back to me.
“I don’t know. I want to go after her, but I also need to take your offer and come home.”
“Why do you need to take my offer?” he asks seriously, his eyes laced with concern.
“Grayson, how can you even ask that after everything you and Izzy have done for me? Without you, I’m positive I would have moved straight from the boy’s home to the pen.” My argument fades away as I see Grayson shaking his head.
“Stop, Teddy,” he says, holding up a hand. What he says next rocks me to my core. “You know we love you, right? I love you?”
When I don’t answer immediately, sadness fills his eyes.
“Teddy?”
“Yes Grayson, I know you love me.”
I’ve never really thought about it. Izzy says it all the time, but Grayson keeps his feelings tucked up close to his chest. In the recesses of my mind, I’m sure I knew he loved me but it always made more sense to a kid abandoned by his own parents that he took me in out of obligation.
As if he can read my mind, Grayson leans forward, his green eyes staring intently at me.
“I was never required to take you in. You were never an obligation, Teddy. I wanted you in my life because you are my brother. Good, bad, or ugly, I will always be the one person in your life that you can count on to love you. Not because of some fucked up family obligation, but simply because I love my little brother.”
I look up at the ceiling, willing the burning behind my eyes to stop. Never in the eight years I’ve known Grayson have I cried in front of him and I don’t intend to start now. When I have my emotions back under control, I look down, meeting his eyes again with a nod.
“Good. Now, there are some things you need to understand about love that took me until I was damn near thirty to get. My love comes without conditions. Nothing you do will ever change that. You are stuck with my old, sorry ass forever. Understand?”
I look up at him, tears threatening to fall again. Fucking bullshit emotions. Usually I can just throw out a few derogatory monikers at him, but something stops me this time.
“You don’t ever have to worry about some bullshit notion of paying us back. We just want you to be happy. You need to find the path that’s right for you in life.”
“Grayson, I don’t know what to do,” I say with a whisper. “I’m so in love with her. She said she trusts me to make it right, to make us work, but I don’t know how.” I feel a tear slip onto the denim of my jeans.
Fuck it. If Grayson can cry when his son was born, then I’m man enough to handle this.
“Well, for fuck’s sake, I figured that much. Why do you think I’m here? It’s not like we couldn’t all see this happening eventually. You’ve been mooning over her since puberty.”
I laugh as I meet his gaze, running the back of my hand over my face angrily at the tears. He has always been the most amazing man I’ve ever known, the superhero in my story. I mean, he has been putting up with me since age thirteen and I was definitely no picnic.
“I guess, Ted, you have to ask yourself this. What are you willing to do to be with Sophia?”
I don’t even have to think about it. “Anything, everything.”
Grayson grows silent again while he thinks.
“Then we have some planning to do this week,” he says with a glint in his eye.