Although feelings of attraction are automatic, in order to sustain attraction in a personal relationship we must also be skillful in presenting ourselves in ways that are not just appealing to the other sex but supportive as well. It is not enough to say, “Here I am; take me as I am.” The alchemy of creating a loving relationship is a very delicate balance of give-and-take. The blending together of male and female must be done in gradual stages.
In stage one, quite often it is the anticipation that we can get what we need or want from a relationship with a potential partner that tends to sustain attraction. Without a clear message that we can get what we need, the attraction will disappear. It can be so easy to misinterpret our date’s actions and reactions and be turned off simply because we think and feel so differently. One of the biggest challenges in the beginning of a relationship is to sustain the feeling of attraction and give it a chance to grow as we get to know someone.
EXPRESSING YOUR MOST POSITIVE SELF
To sustain attraction in stage one, we must express our best and most positive self. Without an understanding of the customs and manners on Venus, a man can put his best foot forward and unknowingly turn a date off. Most men just don’t understand the way women feel and what they are looking for. When a man is interested in a woman, quite automatically he treats her the way he would want to be treated. In many cases, that is not what a woman will appreciate. While trying to impress her he inadvertently turns her off. To various degrees, most men are simply clueless when it comes to understanding women.
Without an understanding of the customs and manners on Venus, a man can put his best foot forward and unknowingly turn a date off.
For example, instead of taking the time to listen and get to know his date, a man talks about himself or his theories about life. He thinks this will impress her, and because she keeps asking questions, he thinks this is what she wants. When she does get a chance to talk, he mistakenly assumes she is asking for his advice and begins offering solutions to her problems or answers to her questions. Without even knowing why or how, he begins to turn her off.
Larry brought Phoebe to a restaurant for their first official date. I happened to be sitting next to them at another table. I observed that throughout the whole dinner Larry did all the talking. He spoke like a professor to his class. Phoebe always looked him the eyes, listened attentively, and with a little smile she nodded her head now and then. It was a sad sight.
When Phoebe would occasionally say something, instead of drawing her more into the conversation, Larry very quickly started expounding again. It was easy to tell that he really liked what he was saying, but it was also easy to see that Phoebe was being polite but felt bored and left out.
What could have been a delightful evening was a disappointment for both. They never connected because Larry did all the talking.
If Larry had understood Venusians, he would have asked Phoebe more questions to draw her out. If Phoebe had understood Martians, she would have just interrupted and talked more instead of continuing to politely listen and ask questions.
A man doesn’t instinctively understand manners on Venus. In some ways he is like a bull in a china shop, oblivious of the effect he is having. He doesn’t realize that a woman will feel most supported and impressed when he listens with interest rather than talking about himself or giving advice. This small insight can make a world of difference.
ASKING FOR HER NUMBER
What makes dating difficult is not understanding the opposite sex. A man wonders if he should ask a woman for her number or not. He wonders how to get it. He wonders if she is attracted to him.
He doesn’t realize his power to win her over and become attractive to her. He doesn’t realize how he starts becoming more attractive to her by:
Whenever a man does something to make a woman feel special, in her eyes he becomes more attractive. Women have said in my seminars that even if they are not at first attracted to a man, his interest makes him more attractive. If he takes the risk of asking for her number or asking her out, she is inclined to say yes just because he took the risk. It makes her feel special and she feels flattered.
When a man can do all of the above without being dependent on getting anything else other than the pleasure of getting to know her, this makes him even more attractive. A woman can sense if a man’s ability to feel good about himself is dependent on her responses to his advances. If she has to care too much about his needs, if she has to be overly sensitive not to hurt his feelings, then he becomes less attractive. When she is free not to worry about him, but simply enjoy the fact that he cares about her, then she becomes more attracted to him. Most men don’t realize the incredible power they have to sweep a woman off her feet. The understanding of how we are different gives a man that power.
HOW WOMEN MISUNDERSTAND MEN
Women also misunderstand men. A woman often mistakenly assumes that if a man is the right man for her, he will know what she wants and will automatically consider her needs and do the things she does to show that he cares. When he doesn’t fulfill this unrealistic expectation, then she becomes unnecessarily frustrated and discouraged.
For example, a woman will make the mistake of demonstrating her interest by asking a man a lot of questions. As he talks she continues to listen patiently. She assumes that if she listens with great interest, he will be more interested in her. This is true on Venus, but not true on Mars. The more a man talks, the more interested he becomes in what he is talking about. For a man to become more interested in a woman, she needs to do more of the talking and authentically share herself in a positive manner.
And how a woman talks can make a world of difference. On Venus, when two friends get together they enjoy the opportunity to share freely the mishaps, frustrations, disappointments, and complaints of the week. A woman’s willingness to “share all” is actually a compliment to the other woman. It is a sign of trust, goodwill, and friendship.
On Venus, friends enjoy the opportunity to share freely the mishaps, frustrations, disappointments, and complaints of the week.
While this gesture on Venus may be “putting your best foot forward,” on Mars it is not. A man can easily get the wrong impression. When a woman dwells on negative feelings or problems in her life, instead of valuing her willingness to share openly, a man mistakenly assumes that she is difficult to please. Just as a woman is attracted to a man who shows interest in her, a man is attracted to a woman who clearly can be pleased. When she appears to be difficult to please, he may easily become turned off.
A man is attracted to a woman who clearly can be pleased.
To create the ideal opportunity to experience the best a man has to offer and for a man to experience her best, a woman needs to be careful to share the positive side of her life and avoid dwelling on negative experiences. Conversation should be light, not heavy, focused on current events in the world and in their lives, but discussed in a positive manner.
This does not imply in any way that she should be fake. Authenticity is what makes anyone most attractive. Everyone has a positive and negative side, everyone has ups and downs, and everyone has a needy side and an autonomous side. Putting her best foot forward means sharing her most positive side, her up side, and her autonomous side. Later on she can share the other part. It is just a matter of timing.
To make the best impression and to get to know someone most effectively, it is important that we first get a chance to know the positive side. In the first three stages of dating—attraction, uncertainty, and exclusivity—it is best to focus on putting forth our best self. After getting to know our best sides, then in stage four, intimacy, we are ready to deal with the less positive sides of who we are.
After getting to know our best sides, we are ready to deal with the less positive sides of who we are.
Then, when we experience the challenges that come up in any relationship, we are much more capable of being accepting and understanding. Too much intimacy, too quickly, can cause women to become needy and men to pull away. Just as men have a tendency to rush into physical intimacy, women make the mistake of rushing into complete emotional intimacy.
WHEN A WOMAN GIVES ON A DATE
A woman commonly assumes that by giving a man the support she would want, he will become more interested in her. To put her best foot forward, a woman makes the mistake of treating a man the way she would want to be treated. She eagerly responds to his attentiveness by being overly interested in him. She responds to his consideration by being overly considerate of him; when he is of assistance to her she immediately wants to return the favor instead of just smiling and saying thank you.
A woman doesn’t instinctively understand that after being receptive to a man’s advances and appreciating his efforts, she doesn’t owe him anything. She has already given him what he most wants. She has given him the opportunity to know her, please her, and connect with her. A woman needs to remember that she is the special one. It is the man’s pleasure to have the opportunity to be with her. When she does not hold this attitude, it makes it difficult for a man’s attraction to grow.
After being receptive to a man’s advances and appreciating his efforts, a woman doesn’t owe a man anything.
When a man is attracted to a woman, he gets excited because he anticipates that he can make her happy and that in turn makes him feel really good; it brings the best of him out. The anticipation of more is very important to keep him interested. If he feels completely satisfied, then there is no distance for him to continue traveling to pursue her. Distance not only makes the heart grow fonder but gives a man the opportunity to pursue. Without movement and the opportunity for more, a man can easily lose the interest necessary to move through all five stages of dating.
Distance not only makes the heart grow fonder but gives a man the opportunity to pursue.
When a woman feels attracted to a man, her feelings are very different. She gets excited because she anticipates that he could make her happy, and that in turn makes her feel really good. It brings the best out in her and makes her want to give to him.
A woman becomes excited because she anticipates receiving what she needs and then freely giving in return. A man becomes excited because he feels he can be successful in winning her over. When she is happy, he takes credit. Her fulfillment makes him most happy. His success in fulfilling her makes her most happy.
UNLOCKING THE CAR DOOR
When women do not understand men, they easily make the mistake of diffusing the attraction by continuing to give back, instead of increasing the attraction by continuing to receive. This tendency shows up most clearly when a man takes a woman on a special date. When he picks her up, she is beautifully dressed and looks great. He takes notice and tells her so. She is pleased. He walks her to the passenger side of the car, unlocks the door, and lets her in. After she is comfortably seated, he closes the door. She smiles and thanks him. Then he walks around to his side of the car to get in. What does she do? Does she reach across to unlock his door or let him unlock his door as well?
When a woman doesn’t understand the dynamics of creating attraction and giving a man the distance he needs to pursue her, her tendency is to reach across the car, even if it is very uncomfortable to do, and open his door. Although this seems like the fair and loving thing to do, it is not. It is over-giving, it compromises her position, and it prevents the excitement of anticipation and romance from building in a man and in her as well.
When a woman is too eager to please, a man doesn’t experience the distance he needs to pursue her.
Some women argue that it would be selfish not to reach over to his side of the car and return the gesture. Quite often these are the single women in the audience and not the married ones. Now, certainly, if there is an unlock button on her side of the car, it could be okay to find it and push it, but to twist her body and reach way over, particularly when she is all dressed up, is neither graceful nor receptive. The whole point of the dating ritual is for the man to do little things to show his interest and caring and for the woman to receive him and take some time to discover how interested she is.
If she is going to reach over and unlock the door, then why would he have bothered to escort her to the car door in the first place? He is trying to be a gentleman and do something nice. She should let him be successful and gracefully receive and benefit from his gift.
When a woman reaches across to unlock a man’s door it defeats the whole purpose of the date and confuses their roles. Instead, if she just happily waits, appreciating his attentiveness to her, there is a greater opportunity for the attraction to grow.
When a woman reaches across to unlock a man’s door, it defeats the whole purpose of the date and confuses their roles.
A man is often so used to women reaching across and making things comfortable and easy for him that when a woman doesn’t reach over, he may be a little surprised and grumble inside. He may think, Humph, I unlocked her door. Why didn’t she unlock mine? He may even be momentarily distant and aloof. Then he will realize, Oh, she didn’t reach across because it is awkward and uncomfortable. Even more important, when he looks over and sees that she is gracious, happy, and fulfilled, he takes credit. Now he starts to feel a little proud: Yes, I opened the car door, I am taking her on a date, and she is pleased. As his positive feelings come up, the grumbles go away and his attraction and respect for her go up.
WHY WOMEN GIVE TOO MUCH
A woman will tend to give too much in the beginning of a relationship when she doesn’t understand how men think and feel. A man hungers for the opportunity to make a woman happy. It fulfills him to make her happy. Her happiness is his happiness. This, however, is not the way women are. A woman is not primarily fulfilled by making a man happy. A woman needs to feel she is getting what she needs in a relationship. Then she can freely and happily give her love. When she is getting her needs met, then and only then is his happiness hers.
When men feel good about themselves, they are most motivated to please a woman. The more a man’s life is in order, the more he hungers for a woman to share it with. Although he may feel very autonomous and independent, he begins to feel empty. He is missing something. That something is satisfied through fulfilling a woman or making her happy. A woman need never feel obligated to please a man. By giving him the opportunity to please her more, she allows a man to be most fulfilled.
A woman need never feel obligated to please a man.
This concept is hard for women to understand, because when a woman feels autonomous and independent, instead of feeling a need to care for someone, she feels the need for someone to care for her. When she feels empty and hungers for a relationship, she has already spent most of herself giving to others. Romance for her is the opportunity to relax and let someone else take charge of her needs.
When she feels empty, she feels a need to receive. If she was feeling empty and continued to give, then it would make her very unhappy if she didn’t get something in return. A simple smile and a thank you from the man she was giving to would not be enough. When a man feels empty, and can succeed in fulfilling a woman’s needs, a simple smile and a thank you from her are plenty for him.
FALLING IN LOVE RIGHT AWAY
Besides not understanding men, there is another reason women tend to give too much. Sometimes a woman will see something or even imagine something about a man that triggers a surge of confidence in her. She feels, This is the man of my dreams; he is the one for me; he is perfect for me. It is as though she falls under a spell. In this state she responds to him as if she were already getting everything she could ever want. She is lovingly responsive and receptive to whatever he does. The excitement certainly brings out the best in her and makes her very attractive, but it can also prevent him from continuing to feel a strong attraction for her.
When a woman falls in love, she may feel as if she is already getting everything she could ever want.
She feels so satisfied by his presence that she begins to think, He is so wonderful. What can I do to be worthy of him? How can I earn this love? What should I do for him? How can I make sure he likes me? How can I be most attractive to him? These kinds of thoughts then lead to action. As she proceeds to pursue him, he becomes less interested in her.
A wise woman approaches the situation differently. Even if she does fall in love, she is careful to remember that even though it feels as if she were in an exclusive relationship with her ideal partner, she is not. Even if he has the potential to be the man of her dreams, he is not yet. She needs to remember that they are in stage one. He is not even exclusive with her (stage three), nor does she really know him (stage four), and they definitely are not engaged to be married (stage five). It is vitally important for a woman to remember what stage their relationship is in and respond appropriately to that stage. Having a clear awareness of the stages of dating helps us to keep this balanced perspective.