When someone is more special to us than others, we automatically move into stage two, uncertainty. When we begin to feel that we would really like to get to know someone and have an exclusive relationship, it is quite natural suddenly to shift and not feel so sure. For some that shift is like an earthquake and for others it is a mild tremor. Sometimes the size of the shift or the suddenness with which it occurs is a signal that this person has good potential.
We could actually be dating our soul mate, but in stage two of dating we may not know it. Whether the person is wrong or right, in stage two the experience is uncertainty. Unfortunately, many singles do not recognize this as a necessary stage and mistakenly assume that if they are not certain, this must not be the right person for them. They think that if they have found the right person, the gates of heaven should open and bells should ring.
You could actually be dating your soul mate, but in stage two of dating you may not know it.
When a man moves into stage two, he can easily make the mistake of thinking, If I am not sure, then I should keep looking around and testing. He doesn’t realize how this tendency can prevent him from ever finding the confidence that he is with the right person.
Looking around and dating many women may be fine for stage one, but in stage two this tendency is counterproductive. This is the time for a man to temporarily stop dating others and to start focusing his attention on his special partner. Stage one is a time to meet and get to know a variety of people; stage two is the time to focus on one. This is the time to make a decision to give the relationship a chance.
WHEN THE GRASS LOOKS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE
During this stage of uncertainty, the grass temporarily looks greener on the other side of the fence. For a man, other women may begin to seem more appealing. Men tend to have a visual picture of their perfect mate, but very rarely is that picture ever correct. It is a fantasy picture of a man’s ideal partner. Not until he begins to experience real bonding with a woman in a way that makes him feel successful will the power of that picture weaken and be replaced by a real person.
As long as a man has not experienced the reality of making a woman happy, he will compare her with a fantasy picture. He may begin to question his feelings: “I like her, but she is not my picture.” As a man continues to know a real woman and feel a real bond of desire, affection, and interest, then his need for his partner to look like his fantasy picture subsides. The spell is broken when his heart opens and he feels a special connection with his partner. This process takes time, even if he is with the right person.
As long as a man has not experienced the reality of making a woman happy, he will hold a fantasy picture.
In stage two, even if the grass on the other side of the fence begins to look greener, the man’s new objective is to look and dig a little deeper on his side of the fence, to stop looking at the grass and dig for the gold. He may or may not find it, but he will never find it if he doesn’t start digging.
To dig deeper he needs to ask himself these questions:
When, over time, a man discovers an affirmative answer to each of these questions, then he is ready to move on to an exclusive relationship.
WHY MEN BEGIN TO DOUBT
When a man does not understand Venusians, he can make the mistake of thinking he can’t make a woman happy. In reality he may have the ability, but because he misinterprets the way she thinks and feels he reaches a faulty conclusion.
For example, on a date while driving through an expensive neighborhood, a woman might say, “Oh, look at that beautiful house; I’ll bet they have a swimming pool. Oh, I love swimming pools.”
She is simply sharing herself, but his reaction may be something like, Wow, this woman has expensive tastes; I don’t know if I could keep her happy. He mistakenly assumes that because the thought of a mansion and a swimming pool makes her happy, he will have to provide it all for her to be happy. At this point, he starts to think that she may be the wrong person for him to pursue.
In stage two, it is very important for the man to do little things for the woman so he can repeatedly test and experience the idea that he has the power to make her happy. A man bonds with a woman through being successful in providing for her happiness, comfort, and fulfillment. His doubts are dispelled not primarily by what she does for him, but by how she responds to what he does for her.
A man’s doubts are dispelled not primarily by what a woman does for him, but by how she responds to what he does for her.
Traditionally, this is why men have been the ones who provide on a date. The man gets the woman’s number, the man calls her up, the man asks her out, the man comes up with a plan, the man picks her up, the man opens and shuts the car door, the man drives and navigates, the man buys the tickets, the man escorts the woman to her seat, the man takes responsibility for her comfort and happiness, the man pays the check. The man gives and the woman graciously receives.
These little things that a man provides on a date give him a chance to test the waters and to see how much he likes making this woman happy. She also gets to taste how it feels to receive his support. In this way, he bonds with her and she bonds with him. In the next stage, exclusivity, after they have bonded, she can begin sharing the expenses and doing little things for him as well, but on a romantic date he should be the main provider.
Without an understanding of these stages, a man sometimes gets stuck in uncertainty. Instead of testing to see if he can make a woman happy and win her over, he begins to question whether she can give him what he wants. When a man focuses on what he wants, he is sure to miss the perfect woman for him. When he focuses on the question, “Am I the right man for her?” then he will find clarity to either move on to exclusivity or end the relationship and start again with someone else.
When a man focuses on what he wants, he is sure to miss the perfect woman for him.
WHEN WOMEN ARE UNCERTAIN
When a woman moves into stage two and feels uncertain, she reacts differently from a man. While a man tends to question whether he wants to pursue a relationship, a woman tends to question where the relationship is going. Quite often, she senses the man pulling away. To find reassurance, she makes one of two common mistakes. Either she starts asking questions about the relationship, or she may try to win him over. Both of these approaches can push him away or prevent him from feeling confident that he is the right guy for her.
While a man tends to question whether he wants to pursue a relationship, a woman tends to question where the relationship is going.
In the uncertainty stage, when a woman doesn’t understand a man, she may easily begin to panic. During the attraction stage he was coming on so strong, and now he is not. If she doesn’t understand the stage of uncertainty, a host of feelings may arise. These are some common reactions.
WHAT A WOMAN ASKS
Unfortunately, all of these questions lure her in the wrong direction; she begins to pursue him. When a man stops pursuing, a woman’s task is to resist the enormous urge to find out what has happened or to do something about it.
For a woman, the stage of uncertainty should be a time to reflect on what she is getting from the man, not on what she could get. This is a time for the woman to stay open to his future advances, but more important, it is a time to fill up her life with the support of friends. This is a time to test whether he is really the right person for an exclusive relationship.
When a man stops pursuing, a woman’s task is to resist the enormous urge to find out what has happened or to do something about it.
It is in this stage that the old saying “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” applies. If he pulls away, she should gracefully allow him take his distance. A woman needs to remember that men are like rubber bands. They pull away. If you don’t run after them, they will spring back. After he springs back a few times, he will have the certainty that she is the one with whom he would like to pursue a steady or exclusive relationship.
By giving the man the space to pull away and then once again become more interested, a woman also gets to know if this man is the one with whom she would like to have an exclusive relationship. If she can fill up her life with the support of friends and family and she still misses him, it is a good sign.
HOW TO AVOID PURSUING TOO MUCH
In the uncertainty stage, both men and women must be careful not to react to their partner’s uncertainty by pursuing too much. A man who doesn’t take this time to pull back can smother a woman by his insistent pursuit of her with promises of love. When a woman says no to his advances, he must be careful to pursue gently and respectfully. Persistence is good, but it must be done in a nondemanding manner. Trying to make her feel guilty for not spending more time with him can be a real turnoff. As a result, she can build a wall of resistance that prevents her from discovering that she may want to have an exclusive, steady relationship with him.
If a woman’s reaction to uncertainty is to pursue a man, it can actually prevent him from moving through his uncertainty to discover whether he wants to invest in a relationship or not. This is why, traditionally, women don’t call men. The wise woman waits for him to pursue her. Yet there is a time for a woman to call. It is foolish to wait passively. A wise woman can create the opportunity for a man to pursue her.
WHAT TO DO WHEN HE DOESN’T CALL
If, in the uncertainty stage, a man does not call for a while, it is a good idea for the woman to give him a call but not to pursue him or tell him how she feels about being ignored. Instead she can casually let him know that all is well. She can call just to say hi, to thank him for something, or to ask a question that he has some expertise about. It is just a short, friendly sounding call, so he clearly gets the message that she is not harboring any resentment because he didn’t call. The worst thing she can do is to call him and interrogate him about his feelings about her and the relationship.
The worst thing a woman can do is to call a man and interrogate him about his feelings about her and the relationship.
Sometimes when a man is in stage two he temporarily forgets about a woman. Two days, two weeks, or even two months can pass by in a flash, and then suddenly he remembers how much he likes a woman. He thinks about calling but anticipates that he will be scolded or rejected for taking so long to call. So he decides to not call and moves on. If he has received a friendly call, then he gets the clear message that he is not in trouble. This then frees him to consider pursuing her again.
Just as time slows down for women in uncertainty, time can speed up for a man.
When a woman does not understand men, it is easy to conclude that a man is a real jerk if he doesn’t call her. This is not really the case at all. There are many reasons a man doesn’t call. With a more complete understanding of the way men think and feel, a woman can assess a man’s instinctive behavior and not take it so personally. In Chapters 15 and 16 we will explore in much greater detail why men don’t call and how a woman can call a man without turning him off.
THE PRESSURE TO GIVE BACK
When a man comes on strong in stage one and then pulls back in stage two, a woman sometimes feels pressure to give back sexually. She has received so much that she feels obligated to return the favor. She hopes that by responding in a sexual manner and fulfilling his desires, she will regain his interest. By giving more of herself than she is ready to give, however, she can actually sabotage a relationship. More is not always better.
A woman can best move through the stage of uncertainty if she can enjoy a man’s advances without feeling obligated. If she has not been used to feeling pursued and romanced, then she may feel even more obligated. When people are starving and they don’t have any money to buy food, then quite naturally they might feel, “I will give you anything for this food.” Likewise, when a woman feels loved and adored, she might feel, “I will give anything for this to continue.” This attitude is unhealthy.
A woman needs to understand that by receiving and responding in a warm and friendly way to a man’s romantic gestures she is already giving back to him. This basic understanding is crucial, and women today are missing it. Quite often a woman feels that she is not giving enough in return, and then she feels obligated to give more.
When she senses that the man wants more, instead of just being flattered by his desires, she sabotages the dating ritual by feeling the pressure of obligation and giving in to being more physically intimate than is appropriate to their relationship. Instead of letting him continue to please her, she shifts to trying to please him. Inevitably her position is compromised and he loses interest.
How Sharon Felt Obligated
Sharon described it this way: “At first Kevin was so wonderful. He listened to everything I said. He was such a gentleman. I loved everything he said. He was interesting and funny. We had such a good time. Then, after an evening of passion, everything stopped.”
Sharon felt embarrassed. She thought they were soul mates destined to get married, but Kevin was just in stage one, attraction. He was still dating other women as well. Sharon said, “It hurts so much, I’d rather not try again. I don’t need a man that much.”
After learning about men, however, Sharon realized how she had misinterpreted the signals. His intense attentiveness had meant to her that he must have been her soul mate. The truth is that they had only known each other for a few days. Although she thought they were going to be exclusive, they hadn’t even gone through the uncertainty stage.
After taking a Mars/Venus workshop, Sharon confided that she felt really stupid. She said, “Sure he said he loved me. But there’s nothing wrong with that. He just didn’t love me enough to stay. The real reason I feel hurt is that we had sex and then he rejected me. If we hadn’t gone all the way sexually and we had just kissed and touched, than his rejection would not hurt so much. If we had just dated for a few weeks and then he didn’t want to pursue a relationship it would have been fine.”
At a certain point, Kevin was being so wonderful that Sharon started feeling obligated to give him everything he wanted. After all, he was giving her what she wanted; it seemed only fair for her to return the favor. But was he really giving her everything she wanted? Sharon wanted to get married. Was he giving her that?
She said, “I want to get married. When a man gives me all of what I want then I will give him all of what he wants. Until my wedding night, I am remembering that I am not yet married.”
Sharon realized that she didn’t have to give up dating men because it hurt too much. She could just be more discerning in how far to go sexually. Sharon learned that physical intimacy doesn’t have to be all or nothing. It can slowly increase over time.
Physical intimacy doesn’t have to be all or nothing.
By reaching this conclusion, Sharon was able to complete her relationship with Kevin. She didn’t feel like a victim but instead was grateful for the insight. She now clearly saw how she had set herself up to feel hurt. She forgave Kevin and wished him well. This lifted her spirits and she went back to dating with a new approach.
She felt her need for a man but didn’t feel any hurry to pursue a more intimate relationship. Instead of giving up dating men, she gave up feeling obligated. She had a good time flirting a lot and dating until the right guy came along. When they became exclusive, she practiced having sex without going all the way. Eventually they got married, but this time she waited until she was ready to be fully physically intimate.
NEED AND OBLIGATION
Sharon’s story illustrates a very important point. Quite often a woman denies her feelings of need for a man because she doesn’t want to feel obligated. But by clearly realizing that she is under no obligation, she can begin to freely flirt with men and enjoy receiving what men can offer. She can feel her needs without feeling obligated. The more receptive and responsive she becomes, the more attractive she will be to the kind of man who will want to marry her.
By clearly realizing that she is under no obligation, a woman can begin to freely flirt with men and enjoy receiving what men can offer.
When a woman has a tendency to feel obligated in response to a man’s advances, it prevents her from being receptive. Younger women, particularly, feel a pressure not to let a man pay on a date so that they don’t feel obligated to have sex. This is the woman’s way of saying that he should not get his hopes up.
She senses his desires and wants him not to get the wrong idea. The problem with this approach is that he will get the idea that she is not receptive at all and lose interest. By denying the part of her that needs a man’s affections, she will decrease her own ability to feel attractive and attracted.
Just because a woman enjoys a man’s gifts does not in any way obligate her to give more than a smile or a thank you. Women commonly confuse a man’s hope that he will “get lucky” with the expectation that she should be physically intimate with him.
Just because a woman enjoys a man’s gifts does not in any way obligate her to give more than a smile or a thank you.
Most men do not expect a woman to be physically intimate; they just hope to get lucky. They don’t think, Well, I paid for dinner, so she should have sex with me. Still, sometimes a woman will refuse to let a man pay for dinner because she doesn’t want him to get the wrong idea. This is insulting not only to him but to herself as well. If she feels that a man is trying to buy her sexual favors, then why go out with him at all?
THE DESIRE FOR INTIMACY IS INNOCENT
It is innocent for a man to want to be intimate physically and it is just as innocent for a woman to feel swept off her feet by a man’s strong interest and passion. While most men only hope to get lucky, there are some who expect it. They have had sex with women who are just looking for a good time, and so they expect this from all women.
They expect it because they see it on TV, in the movies, and in magazines, and they assume that all women are just as fast as men. Without an understanding of what it takes to make a relationship work, it appears that fast sex is a heavenly antidote for a frustrated love life. Nothing could be further from the truth.
By clearly understanding the wisdom of going slowly and moving through the five stages of dating, both men and woman will enjoy the dating process more and eventually find true love. When a man is used to fast women and then he meets a woman who wants to go slowly, it is normal for him to grumble a bit. If, however, there is more than just physical chemistry between them, he will respect her wishes and go slowly.
Instead of refusing to be receptive to all his advances, a woman should just politely and firmly say no to the sexual part if she is not yet ready. If he can respect her, then he is worthy of her. If he cannot and stays annoyed, then he is just not ready to be in a serious relationship and she does herself and him a favor by rejecting him.
If a woman is not ready she can still be polite and firmly say no to a man’s sexual advances.
When a man wants to be more physically intimate and a woman doesn’t know how to say no because she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings, she needs to remember that she is not obligated in any way. All he really needs is to feel successful in fulfilling her and to hope that one day it might happen. She can simply say, “I like this, but I am not ready for more. This is as far as I go for now.”
Saying no to sex doesn’t mean that a couple should have no sexual intimacy. Men need physical intimacy in order to open up and feel their love and desire, and to feel committed. Just as women are stimulated by a man’s romantic interest and good conversation, men are stimulated by a woman’s sexual responsiveness. To be stimulated, however, they don’t have to go all the way.
FOUR DEGREES OF PHYSICAL INTIMACY
A woman can say yes to different degrees of sex without having to go all the way. This is a very important insight, because to avoid intercourse, many woman will not be physically affectionate or sexual at all. For a woman to feel comfortable being physically intimate, she needs to share a clear picture of how far she wants to go, and she must get a clear message from the man that he will respect what she wants.
It can be very uncomfortable or difficult for a woman to say no to a man when she is in the heat of arousal. When she is kissing him and he wants to go further, she doesn’t always want to be saying no. To facilitate clear conversation with a man about sex, baseball can provide some helpful examples.
Getting on First Base
There are basically four degrees of sexual or physical intimacy. As in the game of baseball, each degree can be likened to getting onto another base. Getting on first base has to do with kissing and affection. At first, people casually or unintentionally touch. They may spend many minutes gazing into each other’s eyes while sharing a meal together. Then he holds her hand, puts his arm around her, or gives her a kiss. Gradually their kissing becomes more lengthy and passionate.
As they get to know each other, he feels very comfortable putting his arm around her and holding hands in private and in public. In private they may spend hours cuddled up together or passionately kissing and pressing their bodies together. Although there is a lot of passion, they purposefully restrict the stimulation to lots of kissing, cuddling, embracing, and rolling around and alternately lying on each other.
Getting on Second Base
Second base is heavy petting. In this stage they begin to stimulate their more erogenous zones. There are basically three zones of exploration. The first zone is from the neck and shoulders up, plus arms, hands, and feet. The second is from the waist up and the third is from the waist down. Second base includes exploration in zones one and two. Slowly they will begin to explore and touch each other. At first this exploration is done with clothes on, then with less clothing on, and then with nothing on.
Getting on Third Base
Third base is the full stimulation of the genitals without intercourse. It includes touching, caressing, and stimulating each other in all three zones. Although the man does not penetrate the woman through intercourse, they give each other pleasure through mutual stimulation. They both eventually enjoy the orgasmic bliss of two souls uniting in love.
The woman commonly makes the mistake of rushing to third base to satisfy the man because she can feel his longing and desire. This is a mistake. Ideally, before she gives him an orgasm, she needs to first be open and receptive to having her own orgasm. When she also feels her longing to have an orgasm and she experiences one, then by giving him an orgasm she is not giving too much or going too far. In this sense, by listening to her own body she can know how far to go.
Sliding into Home Base
The fourth base or home base is intercourse.
With a clear understanding of the four bases, a woman can definitely and accurately communicate to a man how far she is willing to go. This clarity allows her to move from feeling uncertain to getting more involved with a man.
How far the woman goes should always be her choice. To make this choice she needs to be sure that her willingness is not coming from a place of obligation or sympathy for the man’s need, or from a rebelliousness to authority. She needs to listen within herself to determine when she is ready. A clearer understanding of the five stages of dating will help both her and him to understand why waiting is so important.
HOW TO SAY NO
Rachel had no problem saying no. She chose to stay a virgin until her wedding night, when she was twenty-eight years old. At a certain point while dating, as she started to feel the pressures building to be more physically intimate, she would simply say, “Look, I just want you to know I am a virgin and I plan to stay that way till I get married. I like kissing and touching, but that is all.” By establishing her limits she then felt free to open up and be more physically intimate as she and the man she was dating also became more emotionally and mentally intimate.
Andrea had a different approach. After a kiss became very steamy, she would say clearly, “I don’t want to go any further. I am not ready. I need more time.” As time passed, she would let a man know when she was ready to go a little further.
Cathy would just say very quickly, in a friendly tone, “No, I don’t want to do that. I am not ready. I just want to kiss.”
The best approach is always to be clear and definite. Being vague doesn’t work. Many men hear a clear invitation to keep advancing when a woman says, “I don’t know. Maybe we should wait.” He will continue until he gets a clear no. Just as a man needs to be respectful of a woman’s boundaries, a woman also needs to consider the messages she is giving.
When a man is touching a woman, moving his hand away to say no is generally misinterpreted as “Not yet; I am not ready.” If she means “Don’t do that again tonight,” then she needs to say that with words. If he doesn’t respect that first no, then she needs to immediately get up and leave. She can be polite and also be clear about setting that boundary. She could just get up and say, “I really like you, but I am not ready for this.” Then she should go home, or at least to another room.
WHEN WAITING TO GET INVOLVED IS A MISTAKE
Without a clear understanding of how to say no and set limits on how much sexual intimacy she is ready to share, a woman may not bother dating until she meets a man that she doesn’t have to say no to. She waits to meet Mr. Perfect. She decides to refuse dates and not flirt until she feels right away that a man is right for her.
Mary shared these feelings: “For me the most difficult part of breaking up is knowing that I will have to once again undress in front of another man.”
Although she was just being funny, she had given up. Mary didn’t feel comfortable saying no or yes to a man’s advances, so she decided that she was going to wait to get involved. She said, “I just can’t keep getting involved with the wrong men. From now on I am not going to date a man unless I know he is right for me.”
This expectation is totally unrealistic. With this attitude, Mary could wait her whole life and stay single. Knowing that a partner is right happens only in stage four, the intimacy stage; it is totally unrealistic to make that a prerequisite. In stage two, it is perfectly normal to question whether a partner is right for you.
At a certain point in the uncertainty stage, if you have been careful not to pursue other relationships, both the man and woman will be ready to move on to having an exclusive relationship. Either you become more interested in getting to know each other or you don’t. Even though you may not be sure, if a part of you wants to pursue the relationship and if you want to prepare yourself to know for sure, then it is time to move on to stage three and have an exclusive relationship.