When we are able to feel that our dating partner has the potential to be a mate, or if we just feel that we want to get to know the person better and give the relationship a chance, we are ready to move into stage three, exclusivity. In this stage, we make a commitment to focus on having a primary romantic relationship and avoid nurturing any romantic relationships on the side.
In stage three, we build a foundation that allows us to open our hearts and truly love someone. Before this stage, we are just reacting to the anticipation of getting what we need and testing to see if we want to get involved. Now we actually have a chance to give freely and fully and experience getting what we need in return.
Having a primary romantic relationship and avoiding any romantic relationships on the side will build the foundation for truly loving someone.
Most dating couples in this stage unknowingly sabotage this opportunity to experience the best of their partners and themselves. As soon as they become exclusive, they relax and no longer put their best foot forward. This is a big mistake. In this stage, we must make a deliberate effort to keep doing the little romantic things that allowed us to move successfully through the first and second stages.
After a couple become exclusive, they often become too comfortable and begin to take each other for granted. The man stops pursuing the woman because he feels he has won her over, and the woman tends to expect more, since they are now exclusive. This creates predictable problems that can all be avoided.
WHEN THE PURSUIT IS OVER
A man may do everything to win a woman over, but once he has passed the finish line, he turns off his engine, parks his car, and celebrates. In stage three, exclusivity, he mistakenly assumes the pursuit is over. Somebody needs to tell him that the race is not over. He has only just shifted into third gear. He still hasn’t reached his top speed. He still has fourth and fifth gears. To move beyond third gear, he needs to focus on being the best partner he can be and continue to lead the relationship.
Most men think that you do the little romantic things only until a woman accepts you and then you can relax. A man does not instinctively realize that it is his romantic attention that fuels a woman’s attraction for him. If a man relaxes too much, a woman will not get the fuel she needs to continue responding to him the way she did.
A man needs to remember that even though they are exclusive, the pursuit is not over. Without an understanding of the stages ahead, he also begins to run out of fuel. By clearly keeping his goal in mind, he will find the energy and intention necessary to do his best.
This effort is similar to his lifting weights or going the extra mile to make a project at work successful. By putting forth the effort, he will bring out the best in a woman. Her warm and friendly responses will give him the fuel to keep going.
MARTIAN EFFICIENCY
On Mars, they instinctively try to be efficient. Their motto is, Never do anything you don’t have to do. If someone else will do it, then relax. Save your energy for the emergency. Put off what doesn’t have to be done so that you can do what has to be done. Get from point A to point B as quickly as possible. Do less and accomplish more. Invest your resources so that you will not have to work later. These are all Martian tendencies.
Why is it that men tend to wait till the last minute to do just about anything? It is because they feel that if they wait long enough, quite often either the problem goes away or someone else solves it for them. If that doesn’t occur, then the problem becomes necessary to solve, and so the man dedicates the time and energy to do it.
To make sure they don’t waste energy, men automatically prioritize. Unless something gets to the top of the list, it just doesn’t get done. They wait to dedicate their energy to something until they clearly know that it is necessary. Men do what they believe is required of them. The problem is that they don’t necessarily know what is required, particularly when it comes to romantic relationships.
This is why it is crucial for a man to understand women. Otherwise he just doesn’t know what is required to make a relationship work. When he assumes he is doing enough and the woman is not happy, he quickly gives up and loses his attraction because he thinks either that something is wrong with her or that she is the wrong partner for him. It may just be that he has the wrong approach.
KEEPING THE EDGE
Without an understanding of the basic strategy of stage three, a man will mistakenly assume that he has done all that is required of him to win his partner over. Now he thinks he can relax and live off the interest from his original investment. By relaxing in this manner, he loses his momentum and the relationship ceases to bring out the best in him and his partner. He becomes increasingly passive in the relationship and loses his edge.
This can happen in any area of a man’s life. It clearly happens all the time in the world of work. After becoming successful, big companies lose their competitive edge. They become too comfortable and stop researching innovative ways to stay ahead of the competition. They become too soft and complacent. They lose the power and good fortune that come from hard work, effort, sacrifice, planning, researching, and taking reasonable risks. To keep the edge, to maintain their sharpness of focus, they need to sustain those behaviors that made them number one.
By putting forth his best effort, a man eventually experiences his edge. He reaches the limit of his potential. The result of reaching to express all that he can be is greater creativity. The automatic consequence of pushing to his limit is more power. He gains the power and creativity to do more, be more, and achieve more.
By fully expressing his potential, he allows that potential to expand and increase. Now to reach his new limits he must do more. If he does not utilize this opportunity to develop and express increased power and creativity, he loses the edge. Only by continuing to express his potential as it grows can a man keep his edge.
This same dynamic is particularly true in stage three of dating. By continuing to take the time to research what a woman might like and put forth the effort to plan and deliver a romantic date, a man ensures the growth of affection and interest in his relationship.
He discovers how much more a relationship has to offer. He finds a confident, purposeful, and responsible part of himself he did not know. He experiences a self-assured, receptive, and responsive part of his partner he could not have known. By sustaining his edge in his relationship, he creates the opportunity for real love to spring forth.
A RELATIONSHIP IS LIKE AN INVESTMENT
A man automatically looks at a relationship like an investment. He puts his energy in and hopes to get something out of it. This is why he takes time to pick the right person for himself. It would be foolish to invest everything in the wrong investment. Once a man picks a partner with whom to be exclusive, he mistakenly assumes that he now has made the investment.
A man needs to have a more realistic perspective. In stage three, he is still just earning the capital to invest. In stage four, he picks the investment, and in stage five he invests it. When he makes it through all five stages, then he has invested successfully in his relationship. He can live out the rest of his life benefiting from his deliberate efforts and the hard work often required to move through the five stages.
In stage three, a man needs to realize that much more will be required of him, but not more than he can do. His best is good enough. As he gradually grows and can give more, his partner can put forth more of herself in a healthy manner. As they gradually prepare themselves in this way to experience the growth of true intimacy in the next stage, a man’s orientation toward the relationship has a chance to change.
HOW A MAN’S EXPERIENCE CHANGES
By continuing to put his best foot forward, a man experiences that he has the power to bring out the best of his partner. He also likes doing it. Although it requires effort and attention, he is strengthened by it. When a man feels confident and purposeful, he enjoys exerting himself.
Just as working out and exercising his muscles will make him stronger and will eventually feel good, a man finds that he has a tremendous power to provide in stage three. The relationship muscles he builds in stage three give him the strength to move through stages four and five.
By deliberately putting forth his energy and attention to fulfill a woman’s romantic needs long after a woman has accepted him, a man trains himself to experience that the little romantic gestures of dating are not just to win a woman over but are actually required and necessary to sustain her responsiveness.
Instead of planning a date because he knows she will be impressed, he plans a date because it nurtures the woman he cares for and that makes him feel good. As he experiences repeated success in stage three, giving in romantic ways becomes automatic for him.
Giving still requires effort and risk, but the reward makes it all worthwhile. His reward is the pleasure and pride he feels when he succeeds in making his partner happy.
HOW MEN CHANGE
Without an understanding of the importance of continuing to make romantic gestures, a man will unknowingly stop doing the very things that made him so attractive in the beginning. Let’s look at a few examples of how men change.
Johnny and His Plans
In the beginning of their relationship, Johnny used to plan dates in advance. He would research what was happening, get ideas, and suggest his plans to his girlfriend, Vanessa. She was generally very pleased by his ideas and they had many wonderful dates.
After they became exclusive, everything quickly changed. Johnny stopped planning dates in advance. He waited till Friday and would then ask Vanessa what she wanted to do. Since they had less time to plan, they started doing more casual things, like renting a video and making popcorn. There was nothing wrong with this. After all, not every date has to be special. Variety is good. For a while, Vanessa and Johnny had a good time not going out.
But as this continued, they gradually started to lose interest in each other. After taking a Mars/Venus dating workshop, Johnny realized what had happened. He realized that he had stopped planning dates. In the workshop, he learned that women love it when men plan dates. Women love a man with a plan, and Johnny had stopped planning. He didn’t even notice the change. He stopped making plans because his initial reason and motivation for planning were gone.
In the beginning of the relationship, he would plan in advance to make sure he would get a date. He didn’t want Vanessa to book up her weekend, so he would plan things with her way in advance. When it was clear that they would be exclusive, she naturally left her weekends open to be with him. He then had no reason to plan and make dates in advance.
Johnny learned a new reason to plan in advance. When he planned in advance, not only did Vanessa feel more provided for and special, but she also had a week to think about the date and look forward to it. Most men don’t realize how important that is to a woman. She loves to look ahead, to prepare, to get ready, and to talk about it with her friends. By learning about women, Johnny was once again motivated to plan in advance. He said this one change put the juice back into his relationship.
Why Bob Stopped Talking
For several dates, Bob was very talkative with Sarah. He talked about his job, his goals, his values, his parents, his brothers and sisters, his past, his spiritual beliefs, his interest in sports, his daily experiences, and his reactions to the news, and he talked about his past as it related to different experiences that he was having. He was a dream partner. Women love men to share the way they think and feel about things. They had many wonderful conversations.
When they moved into stage three, Sarah was expecting things to stay the same and even get better, but the opposite happened. Bob stopped talking as much. At first, she thought he was probably distracted by some problem at work, but eventually she concluded that he was just losing interest in her.
Sarah suggested that for fun they take a Mars/Venus workshop. She thought that if they took a class together on communication, she would understand what to do. After the workshop, everything changed. She heard that statistically men talk more on the third date than any other date in their whole relationship. She was relieved to recognize that Bob’s lack of interest in talking to her was not about her or their relationship at all, but was quite ordinary.
Men may talk a lot in the beginning of the relationship because, in a sense, they are on a job interview. They are giving their date a verbal résumé of who they are by sharing what they think, feel, and value. Once a man gets the job and he is exclusive, a shift takes place because there is no longer any reason to keep talking.
Talking has served its purpose. Now that they know each other, they can get on to being and doing things together. Men talk most on the third date because it is after their third date that they decide to be exclusive. As in baseball, it is generally three strikes and a man either gets on base or is out.
On Mars, talking is not an end in itself. Men generally don’t call each other up and say, “Let’s go to lunch and just talk.” If they do, it is because they have something in particular that’s pressing to talk about. When invited to lunch to talk, a man will ask, “What’s up?” or “What is it that you want to talk about?”
Women, on the other hand, will call each other up and say, “Let’s have lunch.” They don’t have to have a specific reason to talk. There are not specific topics to discuss or pressing problems to solve. They don’t even bother asking. They know lunch means talking about whatever.
Bob, like many men, had stopped talking because he had no reason to talk. He had fully introduced himself and he had gotten the job. After taking the seminar, he realized that in stage three he needed to keep doing the things he did to win her over. One of the most important things was to keep talking as he had talked on the first few dates.
Why Jerry Stopped Listening
Quite often in the third stage, some men make the mistake of not listening to or looking at their date as much. Stephanie complained, “Once we started going steady, Jerry stopped listening. I could be talking and he would just look away. I couldn’t believe it.” Stephanie assumed that he was another jerk who came on strong and then became passively interested.
Jerry, like many men, made the mistake of relaxing too much in stage three. He had no idea that he was turning Stephanie off. As a result, she felt offended and ended their relationship. It was important for Stephanie to understand why this happened or her opinion of men would stay jaded. In a Mars/Venus workshop she learned how she had misinterpreted Jerry’s feelings.
While doing business, a man will always focus directly on the person talking to him, but in a relaxed social setting this tendency changes. When two best friends have lunch together, they are not in any way offended if one looks away.
Particularly in a relaxed social setting, a man feels most comfortable looking around while a person is talking. This is why bars always have a TV going. Men don’t feel offended at all when the person to whom they are talking is watching and listening to a game at the same time.
After Stephanie learned more about Martian customs, her feelings about men began to soften. She learned that Jerry had stopped doing a lot of the things he used to do because he was convinced that he wanted to pursue a relationship with her.
In the beginning, he looked directly at her because he was still doing business. He listened intently to get to know her because he was gathering information to make the decision. He focused on her to figure out if he wanted to be with her. Once he made the decision that she was the one, the problem had been solved; he could now relax and look away while she talked. By not understanding what women enjoy most in a man, Jerry had sabotaged his relationship.
Why Ross Stopped Giving Compliments
Naomi complained, “After four or five dates, Ross stopped giving me compliments. After he let me know that he wanted to see only me, his affection just turned off. I thought we were really getting close. I couldn’t understand why, if he liked me so much, he would stop complimenting me. After a while I was so annoyed that I refused to date him anymore. He became so stingy with his affection.”
Many men in stage three will automatically stop complimenting their partner. A man mistakenly assumes that because he is being exclusive, she doesn’t need to hear his compliments anymore. He thinks the fact that he wants to be only with her is already making a statement that she is more special than other women.
From a man’s point of view, giving compliments is a way to communicate the message that he is attracted to a woman, that he finds her attractive. Once he clearly believes that she understands this message, then he may no longer feel the need to give more compliments. From his perspective, there is no point to it. He thinks, “Well, we are going steady; she should know that I think she is pretty.” Because Ross made this simple mistake over and over again, his relationships never progressed beyond the third stage of dating.
Tom and His Comfort Zone
Louise questioned, “Why is it that we keep doing the same things? In the beginning our dates were fun and interesting, but now Tom just wants to do the same things over and over.”
Louise didn’t realize that Martians are creatures of habit in many ways. When they find a formula that works, they just keep doing it over and over. Their thinking is, Why risk failure by changing things when you have a surefire formula for success?
Quite often, as soon as a man reaches stage three, he finds his comfort zone. He will tend to repeat the things he has done to get there, and not try new things. If he has taken her to a particular restaurant and she liked it, then he will continue to go back. He does not realize that one of the main reasons she liked it was that it was new and different. Women like variety. They like to try new things and have new experiences. By continuing to take risks and try new things, a man is assured of successfully moving through stage three.
Jose Stopped Offering to Help
Maria complained, “As soon as we started being exclusive, Jose stopped offering to help me do things. He would come over to my apartment and watch TV while I was making dinner. In the beginning, he would always offer to help. Then, I couldn’t believe it: He started treating me like a servant. He expected me to do everything for him.”
Before they were exclusive, Jose wanted to let Maria know that he was happy to help her with anything. To make sure she knew his intentions, he offered to help with washing the car, carrying bags, moving boxes, driving her places, making dinner, and fixing things around the house. Then he stopped.
Maria mistakenly assumed that he now expected her to return the favors he had given her, to help him. She was fine with this for a while. Women are always happy to give back what they feel they have received. But after a while she became very resentful. She was doing things for him and he was doing nothing for her. He had stopped offering to help.
Maria didn’t understand the real reason Jose stopped offering his help. He assumed that by now she would know that he was happy to help. Now that they were closer, he mistakenly thought that if she wanted his help she would ask for it. When she didn’t ask, he just assumed that he was giving enough and she didn’t want any more.
In stage three, a man should remember that a woman feels most loved and supported when he offers to be of assistance. It is most romantic for a woman when a man anticipates her needs and offers to help. Even if she doesn’t need his help at the time, she will feel supported just because he offered.
It is most romantic for a woman when a man anticipates her needs and offers to help.
While the wise man continues to offer his support, a wise woman practices asking for support. No matter how perfect a man is, he is still from Mars. Even if he is deeply in love with a woman, he will still not instinctively know what a woman really needs or when he should offer to help. He could be completely willing but just not know what he should be offering or when he should be offering it.
A WOMAN’S GREATEST CHALLENGE
In stage three, a woman’s greatest challenge is to practice the art of asking for support. Women are taught to be desirable, but not to desire. It is hard for them to ask for more. The biggest mistake a woman makes in stage three is to assume that now a man will do things without her having to ask.
Women are taught to be desirable but not to desire.
In this stage, a woman must break through this limiting conditioning to discover that she is actually more desirable when she expresses her desires. A woman becomes more attractive when a man clearly knows what she wants. He can then feel confident that he can fulfill her. If she just waits for him to know the right things, she may be waiting her whole life.
WHEN TO ASK FOR SUPPORT
The best time to ask for support is when a man stops offering it. This simple truth can be very confusing to women. When a man stops offering his support, a woman mistakenly assumes that this is the worst time to ask. Like Maria, a woman doesn’t realize that a man may be very willing to help but is waiting to be asked. Instead of asking for support, she quietly does something herself or postpones her needs. Although making sacrifices is a part of a relationship, women tend to make too many.
When men don’t do the right things, it is because they don’t know what to do or they don’t realize how important a certain thing is on Venus. It has little to do with how much or how little they care. Stage three is the perfect time for a woman to become more direct and begin asking for support. At this time it is also the best kind of support she can give a man. Just as a man’s little romantic efforts reassure a woman that she is special, a woman’s little requests encourage him to continue giving her what she needs.
WHEN WOMEN MAKE SACRIFICES
For a while, a woman is even happy to make sacrifices and give more in a relationship. On Venus, this is a sign of love and also one of the ways to ask for support. When a woman gives more, it is clearly also a sign that she is not getting her due share. Another woman will immediately notice and insist on helping. To her, it is obvious that when a woman is struggling to carry a box, she is asking for help.
For a man it is not always so clear. In stages one and two, he will offer his help to assure her that he is willing to help, but in stage three he assumes that if she wants help she will ask.
When a woman gives more instead of directly asking, it gives a man the wrong message. He is led to believe that either she doesn’t need his help or he is already giving enough.
A man automatically assumes that when a woman is not asking for help, she must be getting enough.
Without this understanding of how men think differently, a woman keeps giving to a man until she feels resentment inside. As her resentment builds, she feels increasingly entitled to ask for more. Eventually she does ask for more, but because she is feeling so resentful, she asks in a demanding tone or complains before making her request.
WHY MEN RESIST A WOMAN’S REQUESTS
At this point, a man will resist her request. His resistance is also misunderstood. It is not that he is resisting giving the help; he is resisting her resentful attitude. He is resisting the negative picture her complaints are painting of him. Although she thinks she is just sharing her feelings, he interprets her behavior as unfair blaming and manipulation.
From his perspective, he feels criticized for not giving enough and unjustly judged as unsupportive. He rejects her feelings because he has been happy to help. He clearly got the message that he was doing plenty, and now she turns on him by not appreciating what he brings to the relationship.
All of this predictable turmoil and conflict can be avoided when a woman recognizes that stage three is the optimal time to ask for support. This is when she has the most negotiating power. In stage three, a man is actually most receptive to her requests.
In stage three, a woman actually has the most negotiating power.
If a woman waits too long to ask, then when she finally does, in a later stage, the man may get the feeling that she is asking for more because he has not been doing enough. This is not a pleasant experience for a man. He likes to feel that he is a great guy in a woman’s eyes, and very happy to go the extra mile for her. A man is actually much more motivated to say yes to a woman’s requests when she asks him for support with an attitude that is free of strings, expectations, and obligations.
When a man cares about a woman, even if he doesn’t want to do something, he is happy to do that very thing if he gets a clear message that it will make her happy. If he gets a complaining or resentful message that he should do it, he is resistant and may refuse to do more until he is first fairly acknowledged and appreciated for what he has already provided.
DISCOVERING HER POWER
Long before a woman gets to stage four (intimacy), when it is appropriate to share negative feelings, she must first discover her power to ask for what she wants and get it without needing to complain. A woman needs repeatedly to experience that a man is already willing to be of assistance. With this awareness, as she opens up more in stage four, she will not feel the need to use her negative feelings as a way to motivate a man to fulfill her requests. Instead she will open up as a way to experience greater intimacy and to find relief.
Many women turn men off by making the mistake of focusing on their negative feelings before making a request. On Venus they commonly talk and share their feelings about a problem before asking for a solution. While this approach may work with girlfriends, it does not work with men. These are a few examples:
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DON’T SAY |
DO SAY |
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“We never go out.” |
“Would you take me out to a concert next weekend?” |
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“We never do anything fun anymore.” |
“Let’s do something fun this weekend. Let’s have a picnic on the mountain.” |
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“I’m tired of hanging around town all the time.” |
“Maybe we could go to the beach this weekend. What do you think?” |
By learning to ask for what she wants in a positive way, a woman will eventually develop one of the most important skills she needs for having a successful relationship with a man.
WOMEN CHANGE TOO
Women are very aware of and verbal about the way men change in a relationship, but they are not as aware of the way they change. Women change, too. They think that now that they are in an exclusive relationship, a man will automatically do even more. The woman’s expectations increase. In anticipation, she feels inclined to do more for him. While this may seem like a good idea, it is not.
As she feels she is giving more, she is no longer as excited and appreciative of the little things he does. Instead of growing in appreciation, she begins to take her partner for granted. Instead of delighting in how supported she feels, she begins to feel obligated to even the score.
Since he has been doing things for her, she feels she should do things for him. She eagerly begins doing little things for him, she becomes more accommodating, she opens her schedule for him, she makes plans for him, she makes reservations for him, she worries for him, she waits for him, she tries to please him, etc. By beginning to do more, although he may like it, she unknowingly takes the wind out of his sails.
THE SECRET OF SUCCESS
It is fine to give to a man, but what is great is to receive. The secret to success for a woman in the third stage is to continue receiving. This is the time for her to focus not on doing things for her partner but on receiving. By being receptive and responsive to what a man offers, she is actually giving the relationship the best chance to grow.
As long as she doesn’t give more than she feels he is giving, then she will not begin expecting more in return. To be most receptive and open to him, she needs to focus on trusting him and not giving him any advice, accepting him just as he is, not trying to change him in any way, and appreciating what he offers regardless of how much better she might like something else.
Her role is to give him the opportunity to keep succeeding; his role is to keep succeeding. In stage three, learning to create a receptive attitude can be as challenging for a woman as it is for a man to continue giving when his automatic tendency is to relax. Just as a man tends to take for granted that a woman is getting what she needs because he is being exclusive, women take for granted that men should be more giving and supportive.
DON’T TAKE YOUR DATE FOR GRANTED
It is easy on a first date to be responsive. After a woman has been dating a man for a while, when he still makes some of the same mistakes, then she can easily make the mistake of being too critical. Rather than focus on what she can do for a man, she needs to focus on creating a receptive attitude. Without making a conscious decision to put her best foot forward, she can easily begin to expect his support in a way that takes him for granted.
She can easily forget to be responsive. Being responsive is at first automatic, but then a woman must consciously make a choice to focus on and express her positive responses. After expressing her positive responses becomes an automatic habit, a woman is ready to move into the intimacy stage of a relationship. Here are some examples from dating couples who came for counseling or participated in Mars/Venus workshops.
When Tom Was Late
In the beginning, when Earl was late, Dawn would think, Well, he is just getting used to where I live. A few months later, when Earl did it again, she got more upset with him. Instead of focusing on the fact that he got there and being happy to see him, she became upset. Earl felt Dawn was too demanding.
Once Dawn discovered her mistake, she didn’t give him a disapproving look or complain the next time he was late. That evening they had a great date. After he kissed her good night, he apologized and thanked her for not minding that he was late.
Dawn learned the importance of being responsive to a man’s efforts and saved her relationship. It is these little misunderstandings that can prevent a couple from moving through the five stages of dating.
When Joel Emptied the Trash
In the beginning, Joel used to empty Veronica’s trash, and she was happy and responsive. Later she started occasionally doing his laundry, and she felt the least he could do was to keep emptying her trash. When he emptied the trash for her and she had no positive response, he immediately noticed. When he asked if she noticed that he had emptied her trash, she just argued. She said, “I don’t expect you to be excited when I do your laundry, so why do I have to make a big deal out of it when you empty my trash?”
Veronica won the argument, but Joel stopped emptying the trash. She just didn’t understand that men are different and they lose their feelings of attraction for a woman when she is not responsive. Eventually, she learned that when she was responsive to Joel and appreciated his efforts with positive responses, not only was he happier, but he became more interested in doing things for her. This kind of support made her even happier and more responsive.
When Michael Didn’t Call
In the beginning, Michael didn’t call Terressa on a regular basis. She was understanding because they were not yet exclusive and Michael had a very demanding work schedule. After about ten dates, she began to feel he should be calling her more. When he did call, though, she was not that excited, and when he didn’t call enough she would even get upset with him. After a while, Michael said, he didn’t think much about calling her and then the thought of her expecting him to call turned him off.
After a while he said, “Look, if you want to talk to me then you call me.” For a while, Terressa called him, but she was disappointed that he was distant and distracted, and didn’t seem interested. After taking the Mars/Venus workshop, Michael realized that by calling or even surprising her with a little card, he could let Terressa know she was important to him and that he was thinking of her. Even if he didn’t have much time or much to say, he could call and say hi and ask about her day.
Terressa learned to be appreciative that he was thinking of her and to be responsive to his call. She learned to appreciate the ways he was showing his caring and he started calling her more, not because he had to but because he wanted to.
When Darrel Opened the Car Door
In the beginning, when Darrel took Linda on a date, she smiled and was really delighted when he opened the car door for her. After about six dates, she began to expect it and stopped smiling. She responded as if it was his job. He was the man and he should just do it. After a while, he would sometimes forget to open the door for her.
Although it is important for a man to show his affection for a woman by doing little things like opening the car door, it is just as important for a woman to pay attention to the little things he does and respond in a way that reveals her good feelings for him.
After the workshop, they both changed their attitudes. Linda said, “I could never understand why he would want me to acknowledge the little things he did. I didn’t understand, so I thought he was just being too demanding. Now that I understand my appreciating the things he does is the best way I can show him my affection, then I am happy to do it. It has made our relationship so much more fun and light.”
When Gary Took Lisa Out for Dinner
In the beginning, Gary brought Lisa to a nice restaurant and she was particularly appreciative. She was happy to be there and enjoyed the food a lot. Gary was particularly impressed by how responsive she was. After several dates, she was not so appreciative. The thrill of going to restaurants was over. She stopped being responsive and instead started being rather negative. Instead of looking at what was good she responded to what was missing.
After a while Gary wasn’t inclined to pick restaurants anymore. Instead of suggesting where to go, he just asked her where she would like to go. He felt, If she’s going to be so picky, then I’ll just let her pick the restaurant. After a while, they lost their feelings of attraction. At the seminar, they became inspired again to express their affection for each other.
When he would suggest a restaurant, Lisa was very careful to share in a responsive manner her most positive feelings. It was not that she was faking it. She had always had the capacity to bring up her positive feelings, but once Gary became more familiar, she was just relaxing and letting herself vent the frustrations of the day through focusing on the negative.
Certainly, sharing the frustrations of the day is an important part of a relationship, but it should not be attempted until stage four of a relationship. In stage three, both partners develop the habit of expressing their most positive side. Once that becomes automatic, then they are ready to balance the scales by sharing their negative feelings as well. Then she will have the sensitivity to make sure he feels acknowledged for providing such a nice dinner and he will have the understanding that she is not being critical of him.
When Ed Paid for the Tickets
In the beginning, Ed paid for the theater tickets and Elaine seemed impressed and appreciative. After they had dated for a few months, she got used to his paying for dates and began to respond as if he was supposed to do it. Even though up to stage four the man is supposed to, it should never be taken for granted, even if the woman is also doing things for him.
After Elaine realized that she was taking Ed for granted, she was immediately able to respond differently. Not only did she start smiling and thanking him, but she was careful to be responsive whenever he did something for her. When he planned a date, she was careful to say she was glad that he had taken the time to plan it.
Sometimes even if she thought it wasn’t such a great idea, she appreciated his effort and went along, only to be surprised that she had a really good time. She began really to appreciate not having to think and plan all the time. That in itself was more important than planning the perfect date. Ed loved it and was always thinking of things they could do together, since she was so positive in her response. Instead of getting a list of things that could be wrong or go wrong, he got her support. This brought the fun back into their dating.
When Rick Complimented Colleen
In the beginning, Rick used to compliment Colleen. She used to smile and let it in. As they continued to date, when he complimented her, she stopped responding. She would sometimes say things like “Oh, I really don’t like my hair this way,” or “I can’t believe that; this dress is really on the way out,” or “I really didn’t have time to get ready,” or “Oh, you’re just saying that; I must look awful.” After a while, Rick just stopped complimenting her. He didn’t even know that the change had occurred.
In the workshop he learned the importance of compliments and so he started giving them again. He asked Colleen just to let them in and say thanks. Colleen was open to learning about their differences and was willing to practice responding in a positive way to his compliments. After a few months, she said not only that she liked them more, but that she had started to believe them.
REALIZING THE PURPOSE OF STAGE THREE
Without understanding the purpose of the third stage, a couple can easily miss creating the experiences that will determine the outcome of their relationship. Each partner must experience the best the other has to offer. Both need to experience that they have the power to give of themselves and be successful.
In stage three, they need to create a history of dates where he has succeeded and she feels supported. In the future, when a partner is not so giving or receptive, they can easily trust that it is just a temporary setback and that they have the power to create a positive experience again.
This is not a time to evaluate your partner at all. Instead, it is a time to evaluate how you are doing and what you can do to be your best self and bring out your partner’s best. To this end, men make romantic gestures and women focus on being receptive and responsive. If the outcome is that they are inspired to be their best, then they are ready to experience the real and lasting love that can grow only in the fourth stage, intimacy.
THE WISDOM OF WAITING
The wisdom of waiting to be intimate is that a man’s desire has a chance to grow into the higher levels of expression. When a man takes time to move through the first three stages of dating, his physical desire expands into the emotional desire to please the woman. His desire to please her in turn develops into a genuine interest in who she is. This interest in who she is then has a chance to turn into love. When his physical desire is also the expression of his love for a woman, then this is the best time to experience increasing degrees of intimacy.
Having an exclusive relationship provides the foundation for lasting intimacy. A woman creates intimacy by honestly sharing more of who she is, and a man experiences increased intimacy by successfully supporting and nurturing more of who she is. As she discloses herself more, he can gradually get to know her. If he continues to be supportive as he gets to know her better, then the love he feels in his heart has a chance to grow.