When either partner skips the earlier stages of dating, this can make it more difficult to get married. To get through the five stages of dating, it is important to respect the whole process. Each stage creates certain opportunities and challenges. The positive experience of each stage provides the basis for successfully meeting the challenges of the next stage. In school, it would have been very frustrating to take advanced algebra courses without first learning the multiplication tables. In a similar way, there is great wisdom in fully preparing yourself in each stage before moving on.
Without a clear understanding of the five stages, it is tempting to skip a stage, particularly when the challenges of that stage begin to show up. Instead of facing the challenges of stage one, a person might skip ahead to experience the benefits and promises of the next stage. The problem is that when the challenges of the next stage surface, a person is unprepared and tends either to lose interest or to go backward.
For example, in stage one, because we don’t want to experience the possibility of rejection or failure, we may move too quickly into stage two, uncertainty. As a result, in the initial period of dating, we become overly picky before pursuing or flirting with a potential partner. Instead of being open to what a person can offer, we begin to test a person too soon. We are looking for certainty that this is the right person with whom to be exclusive instead of just having a good time dating.
Quite commonly, people skip stage two. Instead of risking the loss of a partner because they are not sure, they just move right into the higher stages. Instead of taking some time to test the relationship before getting more intimately involved, they panic and give in to the pressure of not knowing and behave as if they know for sure.
Instead of feeling secure that a man is the right man for her, a woman skips ahead by trying to prove to him that she is right for him. When the man feels uncertain, he may feel the pressure to show how committed he is as a way to impress her when in truth he is not ready. As they get more involved, they will both have a tendency to go back to uncertainty. He may tend to become indifferent and distant, while her tendency will be to become more needy and hungry for reassurance.
When a woman reacts to a man in stage one (attraction) as if she were in stage five (engagement), it is as inappropriate as it would be to ask a man on the first date how many people he wants to invite to the wedding, or how many children he wants to have. In most cases, when a woman reacts as if she were in a higher stage, that will make it more difficult for a man to progress though the stages.
The appropriate response when one falls in love in stage one is to stay in stage one and restrain yourself from reacting and responding to your partner in a manner that would be automatic in stage five. Then, after a few more dates, move into stage two (uncertainty) and try to maintain a sense of uncertainty. Even if her heart is jumping for joy or he wants to fly to Vegas to get married, they should proceed slowly, with caution, and let the relationship pass the test of time.
If you are quick to fall in love, be careful to proceed slowly and let the relationship pass the test of time.
A woman needs to remember that she is the jewel and a man provides the right setting for her to shine. Instead of focusing on pleasing him because he makes her so happy, she needs to let him continue to please her with his actions. Instead of stopping her life for him, she needs to let him demonstrate his interest by making adjustments in his schedule for her.
A woman is the jewel and a man provides the right setting for her to shine.
When a woman allows a man to make little sacrifices for her, he begins to feel that she is more special. She does not have to do anything to earn his interest. He is already interested. The more he gives and she graciously receives, the more interested he becomes. Without this insight, a woman can unknowingly prevent a man from wanting more of her by giving too much in reaction, being too eager to please, too enthusiastic, too accommodating, and too available. When a man feels he is winning a woman, she becomes increasingly attractive. He is able to find the necessary motivation to move on to the next stage.
WHEN A WOMAN MOVES FASTER
When a woman falls in love and behaves as if she is completely won over, as she would be in stage five of a relationship, a man will tend to stay in whatever stage he is in. There is no motivation to move ahead. When a woman moves faster through the stages, a man will tend to put on the brakes.
On Mars there is a very strong belief and instinctive tendency not to deviate from a formula that works. If throwing the ball a certain way wins the prize, then why risk changing? “Don’t fix it if it isn’t broken” is a fundamental Martian strategy. Women do not realize this difference, because on Venus it is just the opposite. If something works well, then they think, Let’s see how we can make it better. When a relationship is giving a woman everything she wants, she is motivated to make it even better, but a man thinks, Okay, I can relax; I must be doing enough.
On Mars there is a very strong belief and instinctive tendency not to deviate from a formula that works.
When a women reacts to a man as if she is in stage five and he is not, he will not be as motivated to move on to the next stage. He will tend to relax and stay put in whatever stage he is in. This is true whenever a woman reacts strongly in a stage beyond the stage he is in. Let’s explore a few of the possible examples.
IF HE IS IN STAGE FOUR (INTIMACY) and she reacts as if she is in stage five (engagement), then he might feel, Why should we do anything to upset the applecart? Everything is fine. Let’s not change anything. In this case, her being in a higher stage may prevent him from feeling the depth of longing, deep in his soul, necessary for him to decide that he wants to share his whole life with her. As a result, he may never feel a need to propose and become engaged.
IF HE IS IN STAGE THREE (EXCLUSIVITY) and she reacts to him as if she is in stage four (intimacy) or stage five (engagement), then his reaction might be, This relationship will be just fine for a while. Although he remains exclusively committed, he is not wanting more. His tendency will be to coast and take her for granted. He will have a greater tendency to give up doing all the little romantic things he did in the earlier stages. This passivity will cause him to keep noticing other women and eventually prevent her from feeling her love for him. When her bubble bursts, they will tend to go their separate ways.
IF HE IS IN STAGE TWO (UNCERTAINTY) and she reacts to him as if she is in stage three, four, or five, then his reaction might be, I sure don’t want to disappoint her or hurt her; I’d better not call. I don’t want to lead her on. Or he might think, She expects a lot. I don’t think I’m ready for that. Although it is perfectly normal for a man in stage two to doubt a woman, if she is reacting from a higher stage, his desire to become exclusive will be influenced by the imminent possibility of hurting her if he were to end the relationship or of disappointing her if he did move on to the next stage.
The sad truth here is that the more he likes her, the more he will avoid getting involved because he might eventually hurt her. Yet if her reaction to him is also uncertainty, he does not have to worry about eventually hurting her if he were eventually to become exclusive and then break up. This freedom assists him in finding the confidence necessary to explore a relationship in the next stage, exclusivity.
The sad truth is that the more a man likes a woman, the more he will avoid getting involved because he might eventually hurt her.
Let’s look at a more extreme example. If a woman is desperately in love with a man or hopelessly dependent on him, the man is obviously going to think something like this: She seems so sure that I am the one for her. Well, I don’t know. If I get involved more, I could be leading her on by feeding her hopes. She would really be devastated. I like her too much to do that to her. I don’t think this is the right relationship for me. I’m not ready for this.
On the other hand, if a woman seems open at first to a man’s advances and then later seems a little unsure about moving on to stage three, she becomes more attractive to him. If he is the one convincing her, he will not have to feel so bad if the relationship doesn’t turn out well.
When he doesn’t have to worry about how difficult it will be to get out of a relationship, a man is much more inclined to get involved.
When a woman seems unsure and the man feels he is convincing her, then he can relax, knowing that if things don’t work out and he stops convincing her, she will not want him. This actually frees him to make the commitment. A woman would not think this, because if she feels she has to persuade a man to love her, then when she wants to relax and be taken care of, he may not find that he loves her. This is just another reason why throughout the five stages men are to pursue and women are to create the opportunity to be pursued.
IF HE IS IN STAGE ONE (ATTRACTION) and she reacts as if she is in stage two (uncertainty), it can have the effect of making her seem too difficult. He may think, How can she reject me when she doesn’t even know me? She must not be the right kind of woman for me, or, She is too critical or judgmental for me.
If she reacts as if she is in stage three (exclusivity), she may easily compromise her value to him. Imagine that you went house shopping and found a house you liked and the seller said, “You like it? It’s yours. You pay me whatever you like.” The chances of getting a respectable offer are very low. This situation is similar to the old joke by Groucho Marx, “I wouldn’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as a member.” However you look at it, when a woman sells herself cheap, she comes out looking easy.
If a woman reacts as if she is in stage four or five, it can cause a man to get really close and then back off. The promise of intimacy makes a woman very attractive, but the experience of too much intimacy can easily cause a man to lose interest. Even the best dessert can make you sick if you eat too much. A woman’s challenge is to reveal herself in stages, not all at once.
WHEN A MAN MOVES FASTER
If a man behaves as if he is completely won over, it can be easier for the couple to move through the five stages, but still he runs the risk of turning her off. Quite often a man will be so persistent that he will smother a woman in promises. Although he is tempting and she feels flattered, she tends to mistrust him. She cannot be assured that he loves her because she knows he doesn’t really know her. She knows he hasn’t seen her on a bad hair day.
A woman needs to trust that she can get what she needs in a relationship. She is not easily impressed by a man’s strong feelings. On Venus they tend instinctively to know that feelings are always changing. She needs assurance that his feelings will not change as they really get to know each other. Taking the time to react and behave appropriately for each stage of the relationship will ensure that a man can nurture in a woman the trust she needs to feel before moving to the next stage. Let’s explore a few examples.
IF SHE IS IN STAGE FOUR (INTIMACY) and he behaves as if he is in stage five (engagement), then she might become turned off and think, He is acting as if we were married and I haven’t even agreed. I don’t feel that he will be supportive of my needs if I marry him. He doesn’t even consider my feelings. In this case, his acting as if they are engaged can turn her off and prevent her feeling that she can fully surrender herself to this relationship. Before a woman responds with a yes to his proposal, she needs to feel that her feelings will be respected.
IF SHE IS IN STAGE THREE (EXCLUSIVITY) and he behaves as if they are in stage four (intimacy) or stage five (engagement), then her reaction may be, He wants too much from me; I’m not ready to share this much. I’m starting to feel obligated to do more. I don’t know if I can give him everything he wants. I’m still just getting to know him. I’m not ready. Although a woman greatly appreciates a man’s attention and his desire to be with her, when he comes on too strong she may become like a Martian and want her space.
When a man’s advances consistently make a woman feel she is not ready, her tendency to move on is restricted. As a woman begins to experience that she can and will get the support she needs, then she will become ready to move on to the next stage.
IF SHE IS IN STAGE TWO (UNCERTAINTY) and he behaves as if he is in stage three, four, or five, then her reaction might be, How can he want me so much? He doesn’t even know me. When he really gets to know me he will leave me. I don’t want to be hurt. I don’t want to get my hopes up. He thinks I am so perfect and I’m not. I can’t trust his instincts. Although it is perfectly normal to doubt a man, when he comes on too strong, it can prevent a woman from trusting him enough to move on to an exclusive relationship.
Once again, the sad truth is that the more he likes her the more she will pull away and mistrust him simply because he doesn’t realize the importance of respecting each of the stages. When a woman senses that a man is making sure he is the right person for her, then that attitude helps her find the assurance she needs in order to move on to an exclusive relationship.
Quite often men complain to me that women are not attracted to nice guys but that they get involved with guys who don’t even seem to care. First of all, it is a myth that women don’t get involved with nice guys. How many women whisper to a friend before they walk down the aisle, “I am so excited…. He’s such a jerk”?
It is a myth that women don’t get involved with nice guys.
One of the reasons men think women don’t like nice guys is that when women reject men they almost always say, “You’re nice, but I would just like to be friends.” It is easy to conclude that women reject nice guys.
Every time a nice guy is rejected, he then mistakenly assumes it is because he was nice. This experience is compounded by the recurring situation of a woman complaining about a past relationship. If she is complaining, then she tends to focus on what a jerk the guy was. So once again a nice guy can’t figure women out and wonders why she got so involved with a jerk. The answer to this question is that when she first met him she thought he was nice.
Women like nice guys, but they are turned off when a man seems too nice. When a woman is in stage one or two and a man behaves as if he is in stage three, four, or five, then she can easily lose interest. She feels he wants too much, he expects too much, and he gives too much, so she feels obligated to give back more than she is ready to. If he is too nice, then she is afraid of getting involved and hurting him. If he is really nice, she may also feel afraid that when he finds out that she is not always as nice as he, he will abandon her.
When women seem to be attracted to men who “don’t really care,” it is because these men are clearly in stage one or two, which is the appropriate stage to begin a relationship. When a man pursues a woman but is not yet sure about exclusivity and beyond, it can make him very attractive.
He is attractive to her because for a woman to open up and get to know a man she must also feel it is safe to back out and be unsure. When a man comes on really strong, it can make a woman feel she doesn’t have the right to feel uncertain. As a result, she never gets the chance to find the assurance from within herself that she is ready to move into an exclusive relationship.
WHEN A WOMAN IS IN STAGE ONE (ATTRACTION) and a man behaves as if he is uncertain, then she may feel, He must not care that much. Even though I am attracted to him, I’m tired of giving out my card; I want a man to pursue me. Other times she may feel, Maybe he’s just really shy; I’ll flirt with him, and if he still doesn’t ask for my number I’ll give him my card. In either case, his being uncertain will prevent her from feeling more receptive to him. In some cases it may prompt her to pursue him, and then inevitably the attraction will dissipate.
When she is in stage one and he behaves as if he is in stage three, four, or five, once again it is very hard for her to trust him. She senses that he needs so much from her that she is turned off. Or she may sense that he wants her so much that if she were to say no he would be hurt. She then feels protective of him, similar to how a woman feels protective of a child, and the attraction is automatically lessened. This is when she wants to be just friends.
In all of these examples, a couple’s ability to move through the five stages is restricted when one partner is too eager. It can also be that both partners are too eager and they skip stages together. This does not necessarily mean that they will not make it through all the stages, but it does mean that they will not gain the insights and ability necessary to build a strong foundation for the relationship to grow. They may even get married, but because they were not prepared, the inevitable problems and challenges that arise will be more difficult to deal with.
In general, men tend to become passive when women give more to the relationship, while women tend to be mistrustful and close up when a man gives too much. Neither men nor women should withhold their affections and responsiveness to each other, as long as they are appropriate to the stage of dating.
Since everything these days is so fast, we tend to move too fast in dating. We must be careful not to give much more than our partner is giving. For all the reasons listed above, it becomes clear why so many people today have such a hard time getting together.
LIVING IN THE PROMISE
Quite commonly, a woman makes the mistake of anticipating what a man will give her if she is loving to him. In a sense, she lives in the promise of getting his love, and so she becomes more loving. If someone you trusted told you that you had just won a million dollars, you would probably become really excited. You would feel like a millionaire. After calling to make sure the check was on the way, you would probably go out and begin spending some of your money. You would begin acting like a millionaire. If you discovered later that it was just a hoax and you were not a millionaire, not only would you be disappointed, but you would also be in debt.
When a woman lives in the promise of a man’s love, because she believes that she will get what she needs, she is happy to give in advance. The more she gives in advance, the happier she becomes because she assumes she will get it all in return. When she gives in advance and not in response to what he has given, then it has the effect of making him less interested.
It is a mistake to believe that if she turns him on, fulfills his every need, and happily accommodates his wishes, he will do the same for her. Some women are taught that for a woman to get a man to love her, she should be pleased by everything he does, wait on him hand and foot, and laugh at all his jokes. Although this might work if he did this for her, when a woman gives in this way, she unknowingly lessens the attraction.
Men can also live in the promise. A man can fall in love with a woman and feel that he is the right man for her, that he holds the key to her ultimate happiness. Because he anticipates making her so happy, he behaves as if she is perfect. He behaves as if he is certain that he can make her happy. As we have discussed, when a man’s behavior is too strong and he promises too much too quickly, it can backfire and cause a woman to close up.
By taking the time to move together through the five stages of dating, both men and women can minimize the illusions of living in the promise. By overcoming the challenges of each of the stages, we can learn the necessary lessons of love.