When Martians and Venusians get together without understanding that they come from different planets, it is quite easy for a woman to misinterpret a man’s interest and experience repeated frustration and disappointment. Often a man will suddenly become physically attracted to a woman and then just as quickly lose interest. He is like a blowtorch that can heat up really fast and then turn off in an instant. This Martian tendency is easily misinterpreted because women are not like blowtorches. Women are like ovens. They slowly heat up and slowly cool off.
A man’s physical attraction heats up right away, while a woman takes more time.
A woman assumes that if a man is physically attracted to her, he is also interested in pursuing a relationship with her. She confuses his attention, interest, and attraction with affection or love. When this “love” is not lasting and he quickly loses interest, a woman can easily feel disappointed and unnecessarily begin to mistrust men. Unless she learns how men and women think and feel differently, she may become closed to men and thus limit her chances of finding the right man for her. Without this crucial understanding, dating for many women is a very dissatisfying and discouraging experience.
Women commonly confuse a man’s interest as the intention to pursue a relationship.
Certainly when a man is attentive to a woman, he could also be interested in having a relationship with her, but quite often he is not that discerning. To a certain extent, when he is enamored of a woman, he just likes what he sees and he wants to touch. Then he behaves in ways that most women mistakenly assume to be clear signs and signals that he is interested in having a relationship.
A MAN’S PASSIONS
Without even considering what kind of person a woman is, a man can feel a strong, passionate desire to be with her. Then, once he gets to know her, he may find that he doesn’t even like her, nor is he interested in getting to know her better. Yet when he sees her he feels a strong physical chemistry and will do almost anything for the opportunity to be with her, impress her, and make her happy. As he gets to know her, his interest and affection may quickly dissipate.
This is commonly known as the morning-after syndrome. One day she is beautiful and radiant in every way; the next day, after a closer look, her toes are too big. Once he gets to know her, his passion dissipates, he finds something wrong with her or realizes that she is not the one for him, and he moves on. He has no idea that she thinks they are about to get married. Anyone on his planet would know that he was just physically attracted, but someone from Venus could easily misunderstand his intentions and think he was promising much more.
A WOMAN’S PASSIONS
A man’s strong physical passion, interest, and attention are easily misunderstood because women come to relationships the other way around. Women are first attracted to some aspect of who a man is and not just his body. A woman first feels interested in getting to know a man, then she feels affection, and then she feels strong physical attraction and desire. The more a woman feels mentally and emotionally attracted to a man, the more physical chemistry she will begin to feel. Since this is her experience, she mistakenly assumes that when a man is physically attracted to her, he must be mentally and emotionally attracted as well.
It is hard for a woman to understand how men could be so different, but they are. On Mars, they are first attracted by the physical. The more physically attractive a woman is to a man, the less he needs to think or discern. He automatically behaves as if she is the most special woman in the world, and she believes it. He is just being in the moment and feeling his attraction. What she doesn’t know is that the next day he could be with someone who turns him on and feel the exact same feelings of attraction. Without this understanding of our differences, women assume that men are either deceptive or just superficial.
WHY VERY ATTRACTIVE WOMEN ARE VERY ANNOYED
The more physically attractive a woman is, the more annoyed she may become with men. Men who have no deep interest in her are constantly pursuing her. Although a woman may feel flattered by a man’s attentions, after a series of disappointments, it can become a source of resentment as well. These are some common frustrations of women who became sexually intimate too quickly:
Jill complained, “I can’t believe the men I meet. At first they are so charming and interested and then they just turn off and you never hear from them again.”
Jane said, “I can’t trust men. They are so selfish. They pretend to be very interested and then when they get what they want they are gone.”
Karen shared, “I don’t even like to date anymore. When a man is so giving, I feel obligated to give him what he wants, and then I get nothing. I would rather get nothing and be alone than give myself and then get nothing.”
Carolyn questioned herself: “I don’t know what I do, but as soon as a man gets to know me, he doesn’t like me. I don’t think any man could love me.”
Nancy wondered, “Why is it that the men I meet are all jerks? At first they stick to you like glue and then the next morning you feel that they want to get away from you. I called one guy the next morning and he asked why I had called! I can’t even imagine saying that to someone.”
Yvette asked, “Why do I attract men who only want one thing? They are always so nice in the beginning, and then after having it their way, they don’t even call.”
These women have a right to be upset. They innocently responded to a man’s advances and then felt disappointed or betrayed. They felt in some ways tricked by his sudden shift in interest. What these women don’t realize is how they are also a part of the problem. In each example, the women misinterpreted a man’s behavior and mistakenly assumed they were further along the five stages of dating.
To correct this problem, a woman needs to understand what makes her special to a man. Then she can proceed correctly in each of the stages of dating. Without correctly interpreting the signals, she will mistakenly conclude that she is in stage four when from his side he is still in stage one.
WHAT MAKES A WOMAN SPECIAL
There is something special about every woman, but what makes a woman more special to a particular man is the special chemistry he feels for her. This chemistry cannot be created. It either exists or doesn’t exist. An apple seed is an apple seed. It can’t become anything other than an apple tree. The only thing we can do is make sure we recognize its needs and give it a chance to grow. Too much water can rot the roots, while not enough will starve it. How we approach a relationship can either prevent or support the growth of attraction.
We cannot create chemistry, but we can either prevent or support its growth.
A woman first feels that she is special to a man when he feels physically attracted to her. A woman must remember that she is not that special, because there are a lot of women to whom a man can feel physically attracted. It is a good beginning, but it doesn’t necessarily mean anything more. To him, in that moment, she may be the ultimate woman of his dreams. In this case, he may believe and behave as though he were in love with who she is, but only time will tell, by giving him an opportunity to get to know her.
A woman becomes more special to a man when he finds that not only is he physically attracted to her, but he also likes her. There are many women to whom he can be physically attracted, but only a smaller group with whom he can also be friends. A woman becomes even more special to him when he also finds that he is mentally attracted to who she is as a person. There are only a few women for whom he can feel all three levels of chemistry.
She becomes still more special when he is able to see her as an imperfect person but also lovable. Even at difficult times in their relationship, when he is not getting what he needs from her, he is able to still see the good in her and feel his love for her. This kind of unconditional love makes her very special. Then, within this very small and special group, his soul picks one to share his life. It is then that a woman is most special to a man.
WHAT MAKES A MAN SPECIAL
A man becomes more special to a woman in a reverse manner. She is first mentally attracted to him. She looks at some aspect of who he is and what he is doing with his life and feels some chemistry. This is the largest group of men from which she picks. Then she finds that some men are more special. She begins to feel emotional chemistry; she begins to feel affection for a man and like him as a friend as well.
While there may be many men with whom she feels mental chemistry, there are fewer men who cause her to feel emotional chemistry. At this point, she may discover that she also feels a physical attraction. It might happen slowly or it might happen very suddenly. Quite often, it happens when he gives her a kiss. That one little gesture of affection can suddenly make it clear to her that he is more special. When a shy man postpones the kiss, it may actually postpone or even prevent a woman from feeling her physical chemistry for him.
Sometimes it is a man’s kiss that triggers in a woman her feelings of physical attraction.
Many of the traditional dating rituals between men and women are really just opportunities for a woman to assess her feelings for a man. When a man does little things for a woman, like open the door, compliment her, ask her out, plan a date, or even give her a good-night kiss, it allows her gradually to experience different levels of chemistry.
WHEN WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO THE WRONG MEN
Sometimes a woman meets a man and suddenly feels all four levels of chemistry. She particularly feels an immediate physical passion for him. This is a clear sign that this woman is attracted to her fantasy of the man and not the man himself. When this is the case, a woman needs to learn to be more discerning. If she feels strong physical attraction, she should not immediately assume that the man is right for her. Although there is a chance he could be right for her because she is turned on immediately, it is a clear sign that she does not yet know him. She is attracted to the illusion of who she thinks he is.
If a woman has a history of being turned on to the wrong guys, then when she enters a room with thirty men and one man turns her on like a blowtorch, she should run the other way. If she does choose to engage in a relationship with him, she should be very careful to get to know him before she becomes intimate.
If a woman enters a room with thirty men and one man turns her on like a blowtorch, she should run the other way.
This phenomenon helps explain why therapists commonly hear this comment from single women: “Whenever I’m passionately turned on to a man right away, he turns out to be the wrong one. Why do I keep picking the wrong kind of men?”
These women would do well to experiment with having a relationship with a man who doesn’t turn them on right away to see if in time the passion grows. Katherine, a forty-six-year-old single businesswoman, was amazed to hear this. All her life, she had rejected men who didn’t turn her on right away. Many men had approached her, but if she didn’t feel something physical right away, she wasn’t interested. This understanding helped her realize why she had not found her soul mate.
WHEN A WOMAN OPENS HER HEART
After a woman begins to feel all three levels of chemistry—mental, emotional, and then physical—her heart begins to open to a man. Now she can truly experience how much love she has for this man. As they move through the fourth stage of dating and intimacy and she continues to feel an unconditional love for him, then he becomes even more special. All four levels of chemistry grow together until her heart fully opens and she can realize that he is the one for her.
A man should not be discouraged if a woman is not immediately interested in a physical way. A man needs to remember that a woman is like an oven that slowly warms up. If she just wants to be friends at first, it doesn’t mean that he does not stand a chance. Quite often women who have found their soul mates say that at first they were just friends and that the romance came later. Their husbands point out that the potential for physical attraction, from their side, was almost always there.
MEN FEEL PHYSICAL ATTRACTION FIRST
When a man meets his soul mate, there is almost always a spark of physical attraction to start with. When it is not there, it could simply be that he doesn’t understand the importance of having standards. He simply follows his attractions and doesn’t learn to become more discerning about whom he picks. A man temporarily loses his ability to feel physical attraction for a woman who could possibly be his soul mate when he consciously chooses to pursue other women whom he clearly knows are not his type.
The more a man pursues women he could not love, the less he is able to feel physically attracted to a woman that he could love. By learning from his experience to distinguish between the women to whom he is attracted, a man gets closer to finding the right person for him.
The more a man pursues women that he could not love, the less he is able to feel physically attracted to a woman whom he could love.
The more discerning we become about whom we are willing to share a relationship with, the closer we get to finding our soul mate. Although a few people hit the target in a few tries, most of us go through the normal process of trial and error. Through repeated self-correction, we eventually meet the right person. This process of increasing discernment develops in predictable stages. By understanding the four levels of discernment, you can sense how close you are to finding a soul mate. Let’s explore these levels in greater detail, first for men and then for women.
LEVEL ONE FOR MEN: PHYSICAL ATTRACTION
At the first level, it is quite normal and natural for a man to be physically attracted to many women. He is particularly attracted to the way a woman physically looks: her walk, her body, her hair, her smile, her eyes, her height, her legs, her rear, her breasts, and the overall shape of her body. Men tend to like one or two particular features. For example, one man may particularly be attracted to legs while another insists on blond hair.
This physical attraction is the first and lowest level of discernment for men. Generally a young man starts out on this level. Even a more mature man may regress to this level when he is on the rebound from a relationship. A hungry man is not picky about what food he eats.
Since this physical attraction is mindless, a man’s low level of discernment is enormously influenced by what he sees on TV and in movies and magazines. We are bombarded with images of a particular type of woman who always appears sexually receptive, responsive, and self-assured. We are hypnotized to want one type. This attraction has nothing to do with whether a woman is his soul mate. A young and undiscerning man can even feel physical chemistry by looking at a naked store mannequin.
Basically one female body type is heavily marketed to be the most attractive to men. As a result, a man associates a certain body type with sexual receptiveness and is automatically attracted to that type. Women also tend to consider that body type to be the most beautiful and worthy of love because it is that body type that gets a man’s attention, which they mistakenly assume is his affection.
As a man matures and moves through the first three stages of dating, he automatically becomes more discerning and discovers that he is also attracted to women who don’t look like the seductive women on TV and in the movies and magazines. When a man finds his soul mate, she is rarely the type he was most attracted to at the more undiscerning level.
While physical attraction is the foundation for a man’s discernment to build on, it is still mindless. A woman needs to remember that even if he does not know anything about her except how she looks, he will suddenly start to feel physically attracted. His attraction has nothing to do with who this women is, nor does it reflect a willingness or desire to know her or have a relationship with her. He only wants to see more, touch more, and feel more.
LEVEL TWO FOR MEN: EMOTIONAL ATTRACTION
After some dating experiences with some of these women the man is attracted to, he starts to find that he likes some better than others. This is an important step. Just as he is able to feel a physical attraction, now he will begin to feel an emotional attraction as well. When he experiences a woman, he will not just feel physical attraction but will also sense how much he likes her.
At level one, physical attraction, he may think he likes her because he likes how she makes him feel, but at level two, emotional attraction, he can know if he really likes her and not just how she makes him feel. When a man feels emotional chemistry, he feels friendly and affectionate toward a woman not just because he feels physically attracted; he wants to be close because he likes her as well.
Emotional chemistry has a lot to do with a person’s personality. Personality is how you relate to the world and others. Quite often, opposite personalities are attracted to each other. Some men like a woman with a bubbly or perky personality, while others like a more stable or relaxed personality. The possibilities are really endless. We can be attracted to someone like ourselves, but generally we are most attracted to people who are not like ourselves.
For example, a very stable personality with somewhat fixed routines may be attracted to a person who likes change and excitement. A very bold, outwardly directed personality may be attracted to a shy, inwardly directed person. A very assertive personality may be attracted to a more supportive or accommodating personality. An easygoing personality may be attracted to a more formal personality. A playful personality may be attracted to a more serious personality. No one personality is intrinsically more attractive than another, but as we become more discerning we find that we are automatically attracted to the people we like more and could be friends with.
LEVEL THREE FOR MEN: MENTAL ATTRACTION
By exercising his discernment and choosing only to date women he is attracted to physically and emotionally, a man begins to develop mental attraction. He is intrigued by a woman and wants to touch who she is and not just her body. He is not just attracted to her physically, nor does he just enjoy being friends with her. In level three, he is attracted to her character as well. He is fascinated by the way she thinks, the way she feels, and the way she conducts her life.
At level three, his attraction to some aspect of her character brings out in turn the best of his character. It could be any aspect of her character: her kindness, strength, and power; or her wisdom, clarity, and generosity; or her honesty, openness, and fairness; or her patience, courage, and persistence; or her self-sufficiency, competence, and gracefulness; or her compassion, love, and spirituality. There is no one particular attribute or combination of attributes that makes a woman attractive to all men.
Some men will be attracted to more mature character development, while others will be attracted to less mature development. It may be a woman’s abundant and mature wisdom that makes her attractive to a man, or it could be her youthful, innocent desire to know more. It could be a woman’s selfless generosity that makes her attractive, or it could be her desire to have more so she can share more. The degree to which a woman has developed aspects of her character does not interfere with making her attractive to a man. Neither more nor less is necessarily better. She is most attractive when she is herself and there is mental chemistry.
At level three, a man will begin to experience that a lot of women are interesting to him but only a few are outstanding. Only a few women will have the aspects of character to which he is most attracted. He will most successfully increase his discernment by getting to know and getting involved with only these women. Simply feeling physically attracted or friendly is no longer the primary requirement. Now a woman must also be very interesting to him.
LEVEL FOUR FOR MEN: SOUL ATTRACTION
Continuing to exercise his growing discernment by choosing to date only women who attract him on all three levels—physical, emotional, and mental—a man begins to realize his ability to feel soul attraction. When he reaches level four, his heart opens. Just as at level one he finds many women physically attractive, at level four he finds many women lovable as well.
To various degrees, he could fall in love with any of these women, but only one is the perfect soul mate for him. His love recognizes that this person, though imperfect, is perfect for him. His love allows him to see the good in his partner and motivates him to be supportive. As his love grows, he is able to discern whether this is the right person for him. This decision is not based on a list of conditions. The mind doesn’t figure it out. The soul just knows.
Soul attraction is not based on recognizing and finding a list of special qualities and characteristics present in your partner. Instead, it is the recognition that you have what that person needs for his or her soul to grow and your partner has what you need. It is knowing that this is the person you are here to grow in love with, that this is the person you are here to share your heart and learn the lessons of life with. One way of saying it is, “I don’t know why, but somehow we are supposed to be together. In my most clear and loving moments, this is what I know to be true.”
To feel a soul connection with someone, our hearts must be open. To fall in love with someone is an indication that we feel someone could possibly be the one for us. It doesn’t mean this is the one, but this could possibly be the one. At that point, it is up to us to move together through the five stages of dating until it becomes clear to us that this person is right or not right.
LEVEL ONE FOR WOMEN: MENTAL CHEMISTRY
Women also move through these four levels but, as we have already discussed, in a different order. Women are first attracted to men in their minds. A woman imagines what a man is like and is attracted to something in his character. It could be the smallest gesture of saying “Excuse me,” or the way he knowingly smiles, or shyly asks her for a date. It could be the way he sings a song, writes a letter, communicates his ideas, walks his dog, holds a child, expresses consideration for others, or stands up for what he believes. It could be the kind of questions he asks, the success he has achieved, or the values he lives his life by. All of these are simply ways a man expresses his character. One or two of these expressions stimulate who she is.
At the lowest level of discernment for a woman, she is attracted to men by mental chemistry. There are a lot of interesting men, but to begin increasing her ability to discern the right man for her, she needs to date only those men she finds most interesting. Just as men with a low level of discernment long to be with women they see in magazines, women at their lowest level of discernment long to be with the men in romance novels. Just as for men, a woman’s low level of discernment is innocent and a necessary foundation to grow upon.
LEVEL TWO FOR WOMEN: EMOTIONAL ATTRACTION
After some initial dating experiences with men, a woman starts to find that she likes some better than others. With this experience, she can now be more discerning in the men she chooses to date. At level one, she might go out with a guy because she didn’t know if she liked his type, but he was interesting to her and interested in her. Now she has higher standards. When she senses that she doesn’t like a man a lot, she decides not to date him. Eventually, as her discernment increases, she automatically feels attracted to men she likes, and even without knowing a man, she can already tell in advance that he is not her type and she will not date him. Not only will she be attracted to the right guys, but the right guys will be more attracted to her.
At this level a woman is attracted to a man’s personality. She is generally open to experience all kinds of men with different personalities. Through trial and error she eventually discovers the kind of personality in a man with which she is most compatible and feels safe being herself. To a certain extent, the more we have learned to express freely who we are and to feel good about ourselves, the faster we move through the levels of discernment.
Some women are most attracted to a man who has a very shy approach, while others like a man who is very take-charge and assertive. Some women like men who are quieter, while some enjoy most a man who is very gregarious or funny. Some women are attracted to men who are very structured and deliberate, while others are attracted to men who are very spontaneous and fluid. There is no set way of being that makes a man attractive for every woman. Through her dating experiences a woman is able eventually to discern the kind of man she wants and not get involved with those she doesn’t like as much.
LEVEL THREE FOR WOMEN: PHYSICAL ATTRACTION
By exercising her discernment and choosing to date only men to whom she feels both mentally and emotionally attracted, a woman begins to discover her physical attraction for a partner. She wants not just to be touched by his mind and heart, but to be touched physically. At this level, when a man holds her hand, puts his arm around her, or gives her a kiss, a lot of physical attraction is felt. Just as a man at level one longs to touch, a woman at level three longs to be touched.
At this level, when a woman already feels mental and emotional chemistry, she will begin to feel physical attraction. Only a few men at this stage will provide all three levels of chemistry. Many men may seem attractive to her, but only a few will also stimulate her mentally and emotionally. By holding to this standard in her relationships, she gives her discernment a chance to grow.
LEVEL FOUR FOR WOMEN: SOUL ATTRACTION
As a result of her growing discernment, a woman eventually develops her ability to experience soul attraction. She is able to fall in love with a man who has stimulated her on all four levels of attraction. She reaches level four, soul attraction, with her heart open. She will begin to see many men as lovable, but not necessarily the one for her.
To various degrees she could love these men, but she gradually learns to recognize which of these men is the perfect soul mate for her. Her open heart makes her capable of eventually seeing the good in her partner, even though he is neither perfect nor able to fulfill all her needs.
As her love grows, she is able to discern whether he is right for her, not because of his ability to be the perfect partner, but because in herself she feels an unconditional love that recognizes, “This is the person I am here to be with.” This realization is not something that she has concluded on the basis of comparisons of what is available or what could be possible. Her soul just knows.
While the couple will still experience the normal challenges that any two people who don’t understand each other would experience, there is a deep connection they keep coming back to that helps them overcome the inevitable conflicts, frustrations, and disappointments in any relationship.
THE BENEFITS OF SETTING STANDARDS
Through exercising our discernment and continuing to raise our standards, we make sure that we do not compromise ourselves and settle for less when we are ready for more. Choosing to date someone for reasons that do not resonate with our level of maturity will sabotage our ability to move through the five stages of dating. A mature man who continues to date any woman who seems physically attractive, friendly, or sexually responsive may never find real, lasting love. A mature woman who continues to date any man who seems interested in her looks but not her mind as well will continue to be disappointed.
Choosing to date someone we already know is not right for us is like shooting for the target and purposefully missing. Not only will this prevent us from hitting the target, but it is very confusing to our inner instincts. Until this pattern is corrected, we will tend to be attracted to the wrong types of partners. When we lower our standards, the wrong type is what we will attract and be attracted to.
When we choose to pursue someone we know with certainty is not right for us, we lose our momentum. It is like putting all your life savings in an investment that you are not sure about. You would never think, “Hmm, this investment is definitely not the best for me. I think I will put all my money here.” It would be completely foolish. It would be better just to keep your money in a savings account.
In a similar way, it is much better not to date if you are not meeting people who match your standards. If you are at the lowest level of discernment, then dating anyone will help you grow in discernment. Once you have already developed your discernment, you lose something if you look back. For some time your ability to recognize the right person and your magnetic ability to be attractive to the right person will be diminished.
SUCCESS STORIES
After learning this, Roger experienced an enormous shift in his life. He had been dating for fun any woman he was attracted to. He knew that the women he was dating did not have the potential to be what he was looking for, but he continued anyway. With this new awareness he raised his standards. After a few months he began dating a woman who he thought had the potential. After another six months he proposed. Now he and his wife have been married several years and are very happy with two children.
Kent has a similar story, but he experienced an even more sudden transformation. After many counseling sessions, I was finally able to convince him that he was wasting his time and his life pursuing women just for sex. He would take out practically any woman, and pursue her until he achieved his goal. Kent was and is a fine person. He just didn’t understand how he was compromising himself in this process. The very next day after he decided to stop flirting with and chasing just any woman, he met and fell in love with the woman of his dreams. They are now engaged to be married.
After taking my seminar for singles, Alexis decided to stop having relationships with men who were just physically attracted to her. Instead she became much more picky. She realized that her pattern was to immediately move into stage four of dating (intimacy) when a man was physically attracted. She would mistakenly assume that he felt all four levels of attraction for her and so she would respond to him as if he were about to marry her.
Within a month of her realization, she met Gus, who later became her husband. Although she fell in love right away, she wisely put her foot on the brake and went slowly. She was careful to move through each of the five stages, and now she is happily married. She is grateful for this insight and continues to share it by teaching Mars/Venus workshops for singles.
EVERY RELATIONSHIP IS A GIFT
Every relationship is a gift. It offers us the opportunity to prepare ourselves for finding and recognizing our soul mate. Each time you choose to move through the five stages of dating with a partner, you are increasing your ability to discern the right person for you. Each time, you gain the ability to shoot your arrow closer to the target. When a relationship ends, it is good to take some time to reflect on the gift and then begin again. When you feel grateful for something, then you are ready to move on.
Even divorce can give us the gift of discernment. If we take the time to be forgiving of our partner and forgiving of ourselves for our mistakes, then our next relationship can bring us closer to the mark. Through finding the gift or the good in each relationship, we will eventually make our dreams come true.
Cynthia was married four times before finding her soul mate. In each of her marriages, she thought she was with her soul mate. She so much wanted to find her soul mate that each time she fell in love, she would assume he was the one. Eventually she learned that love was not enough and that before assuming a man was her soul mate, she would take more time to get to know him. She is finally now married to her soul mate and is very happy.
Each time you choose to move through the stages of dating, you are in effect fine-tuning your ability to attract the right person for you. By working to make a relationship work at each stage and by ending relationships without resentment or guilt, you are paving the way toward a great relationship. Each one of these choices will increase your discernment.
REALIZING THE POTENTIAL OF A RELATIONSHIP
Correctly understanding the way men and women think and feel differently doesn’t ensure that any relationship will move through all five stages, but it does allow us to correctly assess a relationship. Too many times, we reject each other not because we have found that a person is wrong for us, but because we believed something was wrong with that person. By ending relationships with a more loving and nonjudgmental attitude, we will continue to be attracted to the people who are closer to what we want. With this understanding we find that we become less picky and more open to the potential of a relationship.
We reject each other not because we have found that a person is wrong for us, but because we think—mistakenly—there is something wrong with that person.
Even with a more accurate understanding of our differences we unknowingly sabotage the attraction in a relationship by switching roles. It is vital for the growth of romance and attraction that the man in a relationship maintain the role of pursuer, while the woman continues in the role of being pursued. When a man feels successful in pursuing her and a woman feels he could be the one for her, then their potential passion and attraction have a chance to build naturally. In Chapter 11 we will explore these roles more fully.