Women today are looking for a new kind of relationship, not the kind their mothers and fathers may have had. They want intimate communication and lasting romance. To achieve this end, new skills are definitely required. A woman today needs to be not only soft and feminine but also assertive.
Many successful women have learned to be assertive in the work world, but still wonder why they are single. They haven’t yet learned the art of being assertive and feminine. For most women, this is not easy because they have no role models. Either they saw their fathers being assertive and their mothers being accommodating or it was the other way around: Their mothers were dominant and their fathers were yielding and passive.
Most women have not yet learned the art of being assertive and feminine.
For our parents’ generation, it was taboo for a woman to call a man. That was considered too pushy and not feminine. Women were warned by their mothers, Don’t be too easy, too available, too accommodating, or he will not respect you. Well, they were not making this up. It was true then and it still is.
Whenever a woman pursues a man more than he is pursuing her, he will pursue her less. Why should he risk failure when she is happy to pursue him? Automatically, he will relax more and become more passive about the relationship. Instead of thinking what she may want, he begins thinking more about what he wants. This turnaround is very confusing for a woman because her assertive approach is successful in the working world but backfires on a date.
When a woman pursues a man, automatically he will relax more and become more passive about the relationship.
These women are just not aware that men need to be successful in their pursuit in order to discover whether they really care for a woman. Certainly a woman who pursues men does sometimes succeed in getting a man, but often the consequence is not what she had hoped. When they get married and she wants to relax and simply be herself, he loses interest.
In some cases, once they settle down and she stops pursuing him, he finally gets the opportunity to feel his desire to please her and pursue. In this case his interest in her finally gets a chance to rise. This is not always the case, though; more often he just loses interest.
This tendency also shows up in dating. Quite often a woman will decide to end a relationship and then the man suddenly becomes more interested. She then blames him for this, because she doesn’t understand her part in sabotaging the relationship. She mistakenly assumes that he is not right for her because he wants her more now that she decides to respect herself and stop pursuing him. His renewed interest can actually be a great sign.
Quite often a woman will decide to end a relationship and then the man suddenly becomes more interested.
A seed cannot sprout unless it is given the right conditions. Similarly, a man’s attraction and interest in a woman cannot grow if she is too assertive and aggressive. When a woman stops pursuing a man, she gives him the opportunity to find within himself the desire to pursue. In early stages of dating, his ability to be interested in her is like a burning candle: Too much interest and pursuit from her side can easily snuff it out.
The five stages of dating ensure that you don’t have to take unnecessary chances. Before marrying your partner, you will have experienced that he or she fully knows you, likes you, loves you, and is still attracted to you. Your partner is interested in you without your having to play any games or try to be more than you are. Having said all this, there are still ways for women to call men without sabotaging the potential of a relationship.
This issue of whether a woman should call or not, particularly in stages one and two of dating, can be critical in determining the outcome of a relationship. A deeper understanding of the way men and women think and feel differently can create many new options for a woman to be assertive and feminine.
A WOMAN’S OPTIONS
When a man takes longer than a woman would expect to call back, a woman is generally upset for two reasons. The first reason is that she doesn’t instinctively understand that he is from Mars and that he doesn’t understand Venusian manners. The second reason she is upset is that she has waited days for his call, feeling powerless. She wants to call but she doesn’t.
Everyone tells her she shouldn’t call, and instinctively there is a part of her that doesn’t want to call, but another part wants to call. In a perfect world, it would feel better to her if he called her. When he calls, it makes her feel special. If she has to call and ask questions to be reassured, no matter what he says, it is still not as nice as if he were to call on his own.
But all is not so hopeless. With an understanding of men, there are other options. To make the time pass more quickly she has two options, and both are good suggestions.
Option One: Fill Up Your Time
The first option is fill your life up with activities and relationships so that you are not just waiting by the phone. There is no greater mistake than to stop your life for a man. A man is most interested and attracted to a woman whose life is full, but who happily makes some room for him. He is less attracted if she needs him to fill up her life and schedule. He is most attracted when she needs him to share the fullness of her life.
To a certain extent, a woman should think of romantic relationships as a special dessert and let other relationships with friends and family be the main meal to fill her up. When she finds herself anxiously waiting for a man’s call, it is a sign she needs to focus on finding fulfillment through her other relationships.
Needing a man for everything will ultimately sabotage a relationship with him. No man can satisfy all of a woman’s needs. He may think he can, but he can’t, and it is a big mistake to expect him to. The pressure it eventually puts on him will push him away.
Option Two: Give Him a Call
The second option is to give him a call. For many women this approach has never worked, and as a result they just don’t call. Some women continue to call, although it does not help the relationship. They just assume that it wouldn’t have worked anyway and move on. With an understanding of how men are different, it is possible to call a man and have a great conversation, get the reassurance you may like to hear, and support the unfolding of the relationship. To call a man after a date it can be helpful to follow these guidelines.
SEVEN GUIDELINES FOR CALLING A MAN AFTER A DATE
1. Don’t Call If You Are Upset with Him
It is generally a mistake to call a man and be upset with him for not calling. Many women do call and tell him how upset they feel. When the man doesn’t get it, that’s the end of the relationship. Unfortunately, this prevents the natural unfolding and development of the relationship.
It is a mistake to call a man and be upset with him for not calling.
If you are upset, then definitely don’t call a man. Talk to a girlfriend if you need to share your feelings. After airing your feelings, you will probably feel much better, particularly if you remember that men are from Mars and they have different instincts. Remember, the reason a man doesn’t call is that his instincts are different.
2. Don’t Ask Questions
Just as women complain when men do not call back, men complain about women who want to talk about the relationship.
Unless a man is entering the commitment stage of dating, he generally doesn’t like to talk about the relationship or define it. Men just want to live in the moment and see where things go. They want to let it develop, like planting a seed. It doesn’t work to keep digging it up each day to see if it is sprouting.
Just as women complain when men do not call back, men complain about women who want to talk about the relationship.
There is a way for a woman to get the reassurance she may be needing. Instead of calling to ask for it, try calling to give him what he may be needing. Just as a woman greatly appreciates a man’s call to reassure her that he is interested and had a good time, a man greatly appreciates being encouraged by messages that he was successful in making her happy.
Don’t call to ask questions, but instead call to share a few good feelings. If he does not feel pressured to make any reassuring statement, then his natural appreciation for her good feelings will be reassuring enough. These are some examples of questions that you do not want to ask.
Five Questions Not to Ask a Man After a First Date
Are you seeing anyone else?
This implies that he should not be seeing anyone else. In the attraction stage of a relationship, it is perfectly fine to be seeing others. If he is seeing someone and he has to lie, this will definitely prevent him from eventually finding true feelings for you. It is inappropriate in stage one to feel pressured to see only one person.
Do you want to spend more time with me?
This is too pushy. It makes him feel as if you are too needy and demanding. Already he feels sucked into a relationship, and he is not necessarily ready for that. Remember, this is stage one. In stage three, we naturally begin to think about commitment and a possible future together.
Did you have a good time? Do you like me? (Both imply: Would you like to get together again?)
This weakens a woman’s position. It implies that you feel insecure and hope that you have pleased him. There is also a feeling of obligation implied; that is, if you have pleased him, then he should please you. A man needs to feel clearly that he is not obligated in any way to pursue the relationship. There are no strings attached in stage one.
How much time do you have available for a relationship? (or, Are you busy this week? or, What are you going to do next weekend?)
What do you expect him to say? “Yes, I have plenty of time because my life is empty and I have no friends”? Just as this would make him appear unlovable and undesirable, to ask him this question actually makes you appear just as undesirable and unloved. In stage one, any indication that you are planning a future together is premature and can push him away. This question is just as untimely as asking if he wants to get married soon and have kids. He will let you know when he is ready.
When would you like to get together again?
This is way too pushy. You might as well ask him to get out his calendar to schedule a date.
3. Make Positive Comments
Instead of asking questions, the secret of calling a man is to make positive comments. Let him know how you feel; don’t ask him how he feels. Let him know that you had a good time; don’t ask him how he felt. Avoid asking questions like the plague.
Instead of asking questions, use F.Y.I.O.—“for your information only”—statements. These comments do not make or even imply any request for information regarding his feelings or intentions. These are some examples:
Statements that Men Love to Hear
“I really loved that movie, it was great! The scene…”
“I had such a good time the other night. The food at Greens restaurant was definitely the best…”
“That show was so great. I got the CD. It was so dramatic. My favorite song…”
“I had so much fun at the fair. I can’t believe I had never been before. I told my sister about that giant Ferris wheel…”
“That soup we had was really fantastic. I can’t figure out what they put in it. I think it was baked eggplant and garlic…”
“I love Chinese food. I’m so glad you picked Jennie Low’s. I felt so good afterward…”
“Thanks for building those shelves in my garage. They look so great. I put all my old albums out there…”
“I am so glad you decided to stop and get a dessert. It was so good…”
“I remembered today what you said last night and realized that it made a lot of sense. I think I am going to…”
“I had such a good time last night.”
The direct way to a man’s heart is through complimenting and appreciating the things he provided. When a man experiences a positive response to the things he does or provides for her, he is more inclined to feel attracted. This is how a man’s affection for a woman grows.
4. Talk About What Happened, Not About Him
“I really liked the movie we saw. It was great…” (and then talk about what you liked about the movie).
He feels, “She liked the movie. She is fun to do things with. I like her.” Talking about what happened goes directly to his heart.
Don’t say, “I really liked spending time with you.” The implied message is the question, “Did you like spending time with me? Do you want to spend more time with me?” He may now feel some obligation to spend time together so that you will not feel rejected. Instead of focusing on his success, he is now thinking about how he may fail you.
Men are attracted to success. When a man feels he is a success in fulfilling a woman, he is more attracted to her.
Talking about the movie frees him to connect with you without feeling any pressure to spend more time together. When you say you liked the movie, he can join in. When you say you liked him, then the only way for him to connect is to be arrogant and agree that many women like him or to connect by saying he likes you too. To come out and say he likes you may be too much at this early stage of the relationship. The less pressure he feels to spend time together frees him to desire to spend more time together.
5. Let Him Know the Positive Responses You Had and Leave Out the Negative
In stage one of a relationship, let him just see the supportive and positive side of your personality. When you talk about the date, let him know primarily your positive responses and leave out the negative. Otherwise, he might mistakenly begin to think that you are a difficult woman to please. What allows a man to grow in attraction and form an emotional bond of affection is feeling that he can be successful in making you happy.
A man forms an emotional bond of affection as he succeeds in making a woman happy.
A woman is generally unaware of this Martian sensitivity. If the movie isn’t any good, she may feel, “Well, all is not lost; at least we can talk about how bad it was.” Regardless of whether the movie is good or bad, she looks forward to talking about it.
Venusians experience the bond of affection growing as they feel heard and understood. After a lousy experience on a date, a women will actually look forward to talking about it in great detail. She generally has little awareness of how it makes him feel.
6. Don’t Give Advice on Anything, but Instead Ask for Advice
Even if a woman thinks a man would greatly benefit from her advice on a particular matter, she must be very careful not to offer any unsolicited advice. Even if he asks, she should still be careful. Men like to feel that they can offer a woman some expertise. Men need to feel that they have something to offer. When a woman brings more to him than he feels he can bring to her, it has the same effect as when a woman pursues a man.
Men also don’t like it when a woman quotes another expert. This is another way women give advice. They quote other people or experts to make their point. This can be an immediate turnoff. It is fine if the man is asking for advice, but for a woman to quote someone when he is not asking is even worse than if she were to offer direct advice.
Men and women come to relationships for different reasons. A man is most interested in a relationship when he feels he has something to offer and share. When he feels good about himself and his work, then he wants to share that with a woman. The more competent a man feels in the presence of a woman, the more attracted he will be to her.
To increase the opportunity for a man to feel attracted to a woman, if she feels she would like his advice on something, then by all means she should ask. Whenever a man gets to feel useful to a woman, he will feel more proud of himself and like her more. The more interested a woman is in what a man can offer her, the more interested he becomes in her.
When she does ask for his advice, her response is very important. If she disagrees with his advice or doesn’t like it, she must be careful to allow him to save face. He needs to at least get the message that she appreciated his attempt to help. Another man would instinctively know how to do this, but a woman will not.
Without an understanding of our differences, a woman commonly turns a man off by pointing out what she doesn’t like about his advice. Particularly when she doesn’t want to use the advice, she will think it is polite to explain in great detail why she disagrees with it. In the end he feels frustrated, as if he has wasted his time.
If a woman disagrees with his advice or doesn’t value it enough to use it, then these are some comments that will allow him to save face. These are the kind of comments any man would give to another out of respect:
“That’s a good idea. I would have never thought of that. Thanks. That’s very helpful.”
“That’s very interesting. Thanks. That makes it easier for me to figure out what to do.”
“I certainly had not looked at it from that point of view. This will be very helpful for me in figuring out what to do. Thanks.”
“This is so helpful. I didn’t realize…I think I am closer now to making a decision.”
“That’s a great point. It really helps me finally to figure out what to do.”
“That sure makes sense. I’m glad I talked to you. Hearing different points of view sure helps to clarify things. Thanks.”
7. Don’t Offer to Help Him in Any Way, but Instead Ask for His Help
The more a man succeeds in helping a woman, the more attracted he will be to her. A woman also experiences a greater attraction to a man when he is helpful to her. She then mistakenly turns this around and assumes that if she is helpful to him, he will be more attracted to her. This is not true.
Certainly a man will appreciate a woman’s help if he has asked for it, but offering help can easily backfire and make a man feel mothered and smothered. If a man wants help he will generally ask for it. When a woman offers to help it can easily make her appear too eager to win his affections, or it can come across as an insult.
On Mars, they don’t offer unsolicited help. To offer to help a man carry a box implies that he doesn’t have the strength to do it himself. To help a man solve a problem implies that he doesn’t have the competence to do it himself. Men are very picky about receiving help because they really like proving that they can do things alone, if they can. If they can’t, then it is fine to ask for help, and they will.
To offer to help a man solve a problem implies that he doesn’t have the competence to do it himself.
When talking to a man in person or on the phone, it is important to remember not to offer advice, and not to suggest that he get help for something. This can be a real turnoff. He is not stupid. He knows he can get advice.
I remember once when I was trying to fix the toilet, my wife sensed my frustration and came in hoping to help. After a while, she said, “I bet if you called the plumber, he would know what to do.” In her mind, she was just letting me know that I didn’t have to fix it. While she was just being polite on her planet, it was an insult on Mars. I certainly already knew that I could call a plumber. I didn’t need her to tell me that. The best thing she could have done would have been just to ignore my frustration and go about her business.
When a woman calls a man back, she must be very clear about this. If she calls to offer help, she loses him. If she calls to get help, he will feel complimented.
HOW TO ASK A MAN OUT
With this in-depth understanding of men, it becomes clear why it works best for the man to ask the woman out. There are some ways that a woman can ask a man out without being too aggressive about it or running the risk of becoming the pursuer.
Instead of asking him out on a romantic date, she can ask him to help her with something or accompany her some where. As long as she is genuinely asking him for something that would make her life more comfortable and fulfilled, then it is fine to ask. Ideally, the request should be practical and not romantic. These are some examples:
“Would you please help me pick out a barbecue grill this weekend?”
“Would you please help me move some boxes in my garage?”
“Would you please help me change the lights in my backyard?”
“Would you please help me go shopping for a car?”
“Would you please read this article I am writing and tell me what you think?”
“Would you please pick me up after I drop my car off to get it fixed?”
“Would you help me fix the light fixture in my attic? It’s not working.”
“I have been sick with a cold. Would you please pick up take-out dinner for me? I don’t think I should be going out tonight.”
“Would you please come with me to pick up a package at the airport?”
“Would you please help me feed my horses today? My brother got sick.”
“Would you help me take my dog to the vet? He got really sick. I don’t want to go alone.”
“Would you please help me buy a new computer?”
“Would you please help me buy a new stereo?”
“Would you please help me figure out my VCR?”
“Would you please help me rearrange my furniture?”
In each of these examples, the man has the opportunity to be a friend, but more important, the woman has been able to create a fertile opportunity for him to experience being helpful to her and thus become more attracted to her. In Chapter 17, we will explore more deeply the dynamics of what makes a man more interested in a woman.