Many women remain single even when they want to get married. They wonder, “Why am I still single? Why can’t I find a man who will commit?” This frustration has nothing to do with looks, personality, level of success, or the availability of men. It does involve their style of approach.
These women mistakenly approach their relationships with men the way they want men to approach them. They are repelled by the thought of a needy man, so they are very careful to not need a man. When asked if they need a man, they are proud to acknowledge that they don’t. In some cases it is as if they are disgusted to say the word “need” out loud. These are some of their responses:
HOW SINGLE WOMEN RESPOND TO THE QUESTION “DO YOU NEED A MAN?”
“No, I don’t need a man. But I would like a man in my life.”
“No, I don’t need a man. But I want a man in my life.”
“No, I don’t need a man. I can take care of myself. I just want to be with a man because I choose to, not because I need him.”
“No, I don’t need a man. I don’t need another father.”
“No, I am not desperate. I just want to have a loving relationship.”
“No, I have been there and done that. I just want a partner to share with.”
“No, what do I need a man for? I can completely support myself. I just want a companion.”
“No, I don’t need a man. I just want romance and intimacy.”
“No, I am happy now. I just want someone to go to weddings, parties, and the movies with.”
“No, not really. I just don’t want to be lonely anymore.”
Although these responses seem very reasonable and positive, they reflect an attitude that clearly doesn’t attract men, or at least doesn’t attract men who will become motivated to make a commitment. These women are surprised to hear that their self-reliant attitude does not make them attractive.
They have spent years becoming self-sufficient, believing this would make them more attractive, and then suddenly they are being told to start needing men again. When they first hear that men need to feel needed and men are most attracted to a woman who needs what he has to offer, they become confused.
To clarify this confusion and put it all together, a woman needs to understand within herself why she may need a man and then learn how to express this vulnerability in a healthy way.
WHY A WOMAN NEEDS A MAN
Modern women have become so responsible for themselves that it is no longer obvious why they need a man. In the old days, it was clear that a woman needed a man’s protection and physical support. A woman felt comfortable declaring to herself, her friends, and the world that she needed a man. Today, she can take care of herself. She feels awkward needing a man because she doesn’t need him for the same things.
To pave the way to get married, a woman needs to first determine what she needs a man for. The more self-sufficient a woman becomes, the more she hungers for the nurturing support of a man’s romantic affections, friendship, and companionship. Women today experience a deep longing to feel the intimate passion that only good communication and romance can provide.
Instead of needing a man primarily for survival and security, a woman needs a man for emotional comfort and nurturing.
The more a woman does not need a man in the traditional ways, the more she needs his romantic attention and affection. Even when a woman chooses primarily to be a mother and is dependent on a man for physical support, she still needs a man’s romantic affection. The whole thinking of women in the last thirty years has changed dramatically. Romance is at a premium.
WHAT A WOMAN NEEDS
When a man opens the car door for a woman, he is not doing it because she can’t. He knows she is quite capable of opening the door herself. He does it to show her he cares. He does it to say, “I understand how much you give, and tonight let me give to you.” He does it to say, “You are special. Let me show you how special you are to me.”
When she gets this message again and again on a date, she begins to relax and glow. She feels happier and more fulfilled. Why does she feel so fulfilled? Because a deep hunger or need is being met. It feels good, it feels nurturing, because it is. It is exactly what she needs and he is happy to do it. After a long day at home or at work, taking care of the needs of others, a woman has many needs. This is a list of what modern women need.
A WOMAN’S NEEDS
She needs the attention of someone who cares about her.
She needs the help of someone who wants to take care of her needs.
She needs time when she is not considering what everyone else wants but when someone is considering her wishes.
She needs someone who understands what she likes and makes a plan so that she doesn’t even have to think.
She needs someone to anticipate her needs, wants, and wishes and to offer to help without her having to ask.
She needs someone to notice her, love her, and adore her.
She needs someone to miss her and desire her.
She needs to love freely and trust that she will be loved in return.
She needs someone who cares about her well-being to understand what she is going through and recognize the validity of her feelings.
She needs someone she can confide in who is trustworthy and will not turn on her or break her confidence by revealing her secrets.
She needs someone who regards her as special.
She needs someone to help her in her life so she doesn’t feel she is doing it all by herself.
She needs someone to feel passionate intimacy with.
She not only needs these things but needs to have them fulfilled by someone with whom she feels a natural chemistry on all levels: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. While these needs are not requirements for her survival, like eating, drinking, breathing, and shelter, they are required to help her feel a higher degree of emotional fulfillment.
When the lower needs for survival are met, then the higher needs for love and intimacy become more important. For example, if you’re really hungry, then getting fed is all you’re concerned about. Once you have plenty of food, your other needs become important as well. When a woman can provide for herself she begins to strongly feel her higher needs to find fulfillment.
When the lower needs for survival are met, then the higher needs for love and intimacy become more important.
To experience increasing fulfillment, a woman does not have to have all of her needs met at once. The whole process of dating is a gradual process of satisfying her needs a little more at a time. To be satisfied, she just needs to feel hope that one day her emotional needs will be met. In a similar manner, a man doesn’t have to have all his sexual needs met right away; he just needs the hope that they are moving in that direction.
When a man moves into a woman’s world and expresses his support, she appreciates his willingness to help as much as the help itself. On an emotional level, she suddenly feels she is not as alone in the world. When a man does something concrete and tangible for a woman, not only does the woman feel supported, but the man gets to feel successful.
THE WISDOM OF DATING RITUALS
The wisdom of dating rituals is to define the roles of man as giver and woman as receiver. Dating rituals are designed to assist a woman in relaxing and letting a man take care of her needs. They reinforce this most important pattern: the man doing things to fulfill the woman’s needs and the woman graciously receiving. The result is that a man becomes more confident, purposeful, and responsible, while a woman becomes more self-assured, receptive, and responsive. Dating rituals assist us in bringing out the best in our partners on a date, which in turn brings out the best in ourselves as well.
Without understanding this wisdom, some men and women feel uncomfortable with dating rituals. They feel that they are demeaning to women and imply that women are helpless. They are concerned that by encouraging these rituals they are reinforcing the incorrect notion that women are helpless. Nothing could be further from the truth.
WHY MEN GIVE
When a man opens the door for a woman, it does not mean that she is so weak that she can’t do it. Instead, it means that she is special and he wants to make her evening as comfortable as possible. When a special guest visits your home, you graciously open the door and roll out the red carpet. This does not imply in any way that the guest is helpless and incompetent.
When a man pays for a woman’s meal, it does not mean that he makes more than she makes, or that she can’t afford to pay for it. Instead, it means that it is his pleasure to provide for her. She gives to so many people all day long, so he wants to give to her that evening. It is his pleasure to give.
If they are in an exclusive relationship, it does not mean that he pays all the time. But when he takes her on a special date, he pays. It is nice for her to offer to pay sometimes but wise for him not to accept the offer most of the time.
People who feel that romantic rituals reinforce the role of women as helpless, needy, and dependent on men do not understand the true spirit of a man’s providing something for a woman. They mistakenly conclude that if a woman receives a man’s support, she is then obligated to provide him with sexual favors.
This mistaken conclusion is arrived at when a woman doesn’t readily understand that by receiving a man’s gift, she has already given him a gift.
A man’s gift is to be responsible for a woman’s fulfillment, while a woman’s gift is to be responsive and receptive to his gift.
To understand these dynamics, it is very important to understand how women and men experience emotional fulfillment in different ways. What makes women feel good is not always the same as what makes men feel good. We can most dramatically discover what makes us feel good by exploring what make us feel bad or unfulfilled. By exploring the different causes of depression in men and women, we can clearly see how different our needs are.
THE DIFFERENT CAUSES OF DEPRESSION
The major cause of depression in women is feeling isolated. When women are most unhappy, it is when they feel that they have to do it all and there is no one there for them. This sense of having to be completely responsible for themselves and others becomes a source of depression.
The major cause of depression in women is feeling isolated.
Ironically, for men it is the opposite. When a man feels he is responsible for himself, then he feels good about himself. When he feels he can provide for another, he feels even better about himself. The more others need him, the better he feels.
Men like to feel they are being helpful and of service. In a sense, men like to be used. As long as a man feels fairly rewarded, he is most fulfilled when he is being used. When a man is responsible and giving and is appreciated and rewarded, he is happiest. Women, on the other hand, become depressed when they are used too much.
As long as a man feels fairly rewarded, he likes being used.
The major cause of depression in men is feeling not needed. A man out of work or with nothing to do becomes increasingly depressed. A man becomes depressed when he experiences that what he has to offer is not needed. This is why appreciation is so important to men. When a man feels needed, then his confidence and sense of purpose increase. Automatically he feels more responsible.
When a man feels needed, it can bring out the best in him. A woman doesn’t instinctively understand how important this is to a man. Certainly a woman wants to feel appreciated, but what she doesn’t understand is that men don’t feel needed unless they are appreciated for what they do. Without appreciation, a man loses touch with his purposefulness.
When a man doesn’t feel that he can successfully provide for himself or another, he will become depressed. With insight into the source of a man’s depression, it is easier to understand why a man needs a woman. Here is a list of some of a man’s needs.
A MAN’S NEEDS
He needs someone who notices his efforts and appreciates what he provides.
He needs someone to share what he has accomplished.
He needs someone to give him the opportunity to fulfill her needs.
He needs someone to accept him just the way he is.
He needs someone to bring him out of himself.
He needs someone to trust him and depend on him for what he can provide.
He needs someone to inspire him to be the best he can be.
He needs someone who likes him very much.
He needs someone who is pleased with him and responsive to him.
He needs someone who is receptive to his plans and suggestions.
He needs someone who admires him for what he has done or tried to do.
He needs someone who will forgive his mistakes.
He needs someone who appreciates and acknowledges his best qualities, like patience, strength, generosity, kindness, dedication, loyalty, assertiveness, compassion, courage, wisdom, humor, and playfulness.
In simple terms, a man needs a job and a woman needs someone to hire. We have different needs but we perfectly complement each other. We are a perfect fit. This difference gives us insight into what is most important for men and women and reveals why romantic rituals are so important. Romantic rituals allow men to experience being needed, while they give women the opportunity to let go of feeling so responsible to give.
WHEN WOMEN GIVE TOO MUCH
When a woman gives of herself, even if she is appreciated and rewarded fairly, she will not get what she primarily needs. There are many successful women who are taking medication or in counseling for depression. The source of their depression is not that they don’t feel needed, but that they don’t get what they need.
There is nothing wrong with women who give a lot. Giving is an expression of love, and it is always good. The problem comes up when women cannot get back the support they need and deserve. When women give more than they are getting, they become increasingly unfulfilled.
WHEN WOMEN ARE TOO RESPONSIBLE
When women are too responsible, they are also less attractive to men. In the old days, a woman was in many ways helpless to provide for herself. She clearly needed a man. This helplessness actually made her very attractive to men, and gave a man the confidence to pursue her and the sense of purpose and responsibility to provide for her and be supportive.
But times have changed and women are not helpless. They do not need men the way they used to. With more advanced education and job opportunities, women are more responsible for themselves. While this is good, it creates new problems. Sometimes the more successful and responsible a woman is, the less inviting to a man she may become.
The more successful a woman is, the less inviting to a man she may become.
This doesn’t have to be the case. By recognizing that she can still need a man in her life without having to be helpless, she can be successful in attracting the right man for her. For a woman to feel good about herself and also attract a man, it is not enough to just need a man; she must become adept in feeling and expressing her needs.
HOW TO NEED A MAN WITHOUT BEING NEEDY
Savvy women have realized that being needy is definitely a turnoff. Unfortunately, many times they throw out the baby with the bathwater. To avoid feeling or appearing needy or desperate in any way, these women deny or rationalize away any feelings of needing a man. In their minds, they can want a man, they can like to have a relationship, they can choose to be with a man, but it is not acceptable to need a man.
By taking a moment to see herself through the eyes of a man, a woman can begin to understand that there is another option. A woman can still need a man and not be needy or desperate.
From a man’s point of view, there is a world of difference between a needy woman and a woman who needs him.
When a woman is needy, she is not just feeling her need; instead, she feels that she needs more than a man is offering. As a result, she gets upset with him or she reacts in a manner that indicates she will be upset with him. When she signals that she needs more instead of appreciating his contribution, he gets the message that it is not enough. It is not her needing more that turns him off. It is her lack of appreciation for what he is offering that makes her “needy.”
Needing more is not a turnoff, but not appreciating is.
To need a man does not mean to need more from him. By focusing on appreciating what a man offers, a woman can avoid being needy. By cultivating the attitudes of self-assurance, receptiveness, and responsiveness, a woman can need more and yet appreciate what a man has to offer.
A woman does not have to be helpless to ask a man for help, nor does she have to be hopeless to need his support. She can need more and graciously receive whatever he gives. It is always flattering to a man when he feels needed.
From a man’s perspective, a woman is most attractive when she is aware of her needs and she feels self-assured that her needs will be fulfilled. Just as a man is most attractive when he is confident that he will achieve his goal, a woman is most attractive when she is assured that she will get the support she needs.
With this attitude of self-assurance, a woman does not have to deny her need for a man just because he has not yet appeared in her life. Her self-assurance that she can and will get what she needs makes her most attractive and prevents her from feeling needy or desperate. When a woman cultivates the three attributes of femininity—self-assurance, receptiveness, and responsiveness—she gains the ability to need a man without becoming needy.
GIVING MEN THE RIGHT MESSAGE
By being self-assured instead of demanding more from a man, a woman gives the message that she trusts that she will eventually get her needs met. This openness makes a man much more interested. When a woman is receptive to what he is offering, a man gets the message that he may be accepted and not rejected. By being responsive to his attempts to please her, a woman allows a man to feel appreciated. He gets the message that he could be even more successful. These three attributes ensure that she is not giving the wrong message about her needs.
When a woman expresses the best of her feminine side by being self-assured, receptive, and responsive, it brings out the best of a man’s masculine side. The more a man senses that a woman needs what he has to offer, the more interested he becomes. Quite automatically he feels more confident, purposeful, and responsible.
He is confident because her self-assurance sends a message that there is a job opening. He is purposeful because her receptive smile sends the message that he could get the job to make her happy. She has a need and he has the solution. Her responsiveness encourages him to feel he could be successful in fulfilling her needs. This encouragement makes him feel more responsible to fulfill her needs.
HOW WOMEN SABOTAGE THE DATING PROCESS
When a woman denies feeling her needs for a man, she sabotages the dating process. Her sincere attempts to find a lasting and loving relationship end each time in disappointment. By making this shift and feeling her needs for a man in a healthy way, she opens a door for the right man to walk in. By feeling her needs in a healthy way, she is able to appreciate and to accept men much more.
Needing a man can be compared to any other healthy need. For example, if you are a little hungry then you might like to eat, but it is not a very big deal. When you are more hungry, you want to eat and it tastes better. If you haven’t eaten in five or six hours and you feel a healthy hunger, it is because you need to eat. When you need to eat, the food tastes so very delicious and satisfying.
Likewise, when a woman feels her healthy need for a man, he can sense that she will be responsive, receptive, and self-assured. This makes her best qualities shine. If he is the right man for her, or at least closer to the right guy, then he will be attracted to her. By clearly feeling her needs for a man, she becomes a magnet capable of attracting the right man for her. In Chapter 20, we will explore where she will find him.