People who are happily married often say they met their soul mate when they weren’t really looking. Their paths crossed as if by accident, when and where they least expected it. They just “happened” to meet at a party, on a trip, on a walk, at a church class, at a convention, or at work. They associate their success in finding a mate with chance, fate, divine intervention, or just luck.
They feel lucky because they weren’t even looking. They feel it was by chance because they met their partners in a place where they wouldn’t have expected to find them. And they felt it was fate or divine intervention because their meeting was accidental, with no conscious intention.
This doesn’t mean you have to wait for your lucky day or for an accident to occur in order to meet your mate. There are very clear reasons why these couples found their mates. Since they were not aware of those reasons, they assume it was just fate, luck, or chance. But definite conditions had been satisfied before they could meet and recognize their perfect partners. By understanding those conditions and deliberately creating them, you can speed up the process of finding your partner.
GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES
People attribute finding their soul mates solely to chance, fate, luck, magic, good fortune, or God’s grace because they don’t realize how it is actually done. Certainly everything really great is done with God’s help, but God helps those who help themselves. Every day, without knowing what they are doing, individuals happen to do the right thing to find a soul mate. They put themselves in the right place at the right time, and then it can miraculously happen.
Even when the fruit is ripe, we still need to find it and pick it. In a similar way, to find our soul mates we need to be ready, but we also need to be in the right place. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, these people put themselves in environments that allowed them to meet a potential partner with whom they felt immediate chemistry.
Whether intentionally or unintentionally, we put ourselves in the right place to meet a potential partner with whom we can feel immediate chemistry.
By understanding the different elements that create chemistry, we can discover the best places to meet a potential soul mate. There are certain places where you will definitely meet people who will be attracted to you and vice versa. Most people just don’t realize what makes for healthy chemistry.
THE FIRST ELEMENT OF CHEMISTRY: DIFFERENT INTERESTS
By studying the lives of soul mates, you can begin to see that there are certain elements that are almost always present. When the chemistry of healthy attraction is experienced, certain predictable conditions are being met. The first and most important element is different interests.
Happily married soul mates always have different interests. Certainly they have many shared interests, but quite often they have many more different interests. Generally, it is only after a few years of living together that they discover their many different interests. They don’t realize it in the beginning.
Soul mates have many shared interests, but quite often they have many more different interests.
When couples fall in love, they don’t go around saying, “I met the most incredible person. She is so different from me.” Instead they tend to say the opposite. They say, “Oh, I met this incredible person; we have so many things in common.” They say this because they haven’t yet discovered how different their interests are. Without this understanding, single people can easily miss opportunities to meet their soul mate.
The insight that different interests create chemistry explains why it is sometimes so hard to find a soul mate. Our soul mate will have different interests and will work and spend time in places we rarely visit. The only way we can meet someone with different interests is by accident. By recognizing this truth and actively seeking out situations where people have different interests, we dramatically increase our chances of experiencing more chemistry and meeting the right person. Let’s explore a few examples.
Kim’s Chance Meeting
Kim is a single mother who works in a restaurant. She said, “I had to reschedule my regular weekly massage. While I was waiting in the reception room at the health center, I met my future husband, Peter. It was just by chance that I met him. Peter is a contractor and he was there to bid on a job. It really is amazing that we love each other so much. We are so different. He loves to create change and build things, while I like antiques and stability. He is a Republican and I am a Democrat. He likes to stay home at night and I like to eat out….”
Their interests were so different that Kim would never have found Peter if they hadn’t met by accident in the reception room. Because Peter stayed home at night, he would have missed meeting Kim, who worked nights at a restaurant.
With the Help of Friends
Mark is a policeman. He said, “I met my wife, Vicky, through my friend Chuck. They first went together for three years. Chuck used to talk about her all the time. When they split up, I gave her a call and we started going out. I am grateful to Chuck for introducing us and we are still great friends.
“If it hadn’t been for Chuck, I don’t think we would have ever met. I like sports and she doesn’t. The only reason I met her is that Chuck invited me to his birthday party. We met playing cards.
“Even then there were a few sparks flying between Vicky and me. But she wasn’t available. I remember thinking Chuck was a very lucky guy. Now I feel like I am the lucky guy. Vicky and I have a wonderful marriage and three great kids. Chuck married someone else.”
When a man is like Mark, who doesn’t like parties, his chances of meeting his soul mate go up when he starts going to more birthday parties, dances, and weddings. Likewise, when a woman is like Vicky, who doen’t like sports, her chances of meeting her soul mate go up when she goes to sporting events, activities, and celebrations.
Daphne’s Lucky Project
Daphne, an interior decorator, said, “I met my husband, Carl, at work on a remodeling project. My client wanted a hot tub. Someone gave me his number to consult with. Well, Carl knew just what I needed. I knew by the way he handled the project that this was the kind of man I could rely on. He was the man to do the job and he was also the man for me. We immediately liked each other. It was just by luck that we met; I would never have gone shopping for a hot tub for myself and he lived in another county.”
If not for her client’s desire for a hot tub, Daphne would never have found her husband. She was not even interested in hot tubs. Carl was a real outdoorsy, rugged kind of guy. He rarely went shopping and certainly was not into interior design. Their paths would never have crossed.
Without Daphne’s lucky project, the only way Carl could have found Daphne would have been to spend more time at shopping malls. By taking a little time to check out interior design stores, his chances of meeting Daphne would have increased. He might have actually met her or someone who would eventually lead him to her or her to him.
Daphne might have met Carl by moving out of her comfort zone and going camping, joining a nature club, or going on some group adventure like river rafting or a skiing trip. She could easily have met him or someone who would eventually have led him to her or her to him.
Different Interests Create Chemistry
Single people mistakenly assume that their soul mate will share their interests. As a result, they look for partners with similar interests. They don’t realize that there are hundreds, even thousands, of places to find their soul mate.
Certainly, it is possible to find a soul mate in a place where we share an interest, but it is also just as possible to find a soul mate in a place where people are interested in things that we are not.
To find your soul mate, go to places where the people have interests different from yours.
If you have been to the places that appeal to you and you have not found your soul mate, try looking in the places where people have interests different from yours. Even if you don’t immediately find your soul mate, you will at least begin to experience more chemistry with the opposite sex. You will become more desirable, and this will motivate you to keep looking.
Try New Things
Whenever you go somewhere new, a new part of you has a chance to come out. That is one of the reasons we are attracted to people with different interests. We are stimulated in their presence. They are so different from us that something new inside us gets stimulated. When someone is the same as you, you are not necessarily stimulated. If we just wanted to be with ourselves, we wouldn’t need a partner at all. Trying new things actually gives you more energy and makes you more attractive.
To find your soul mate, make sure you go to places where the people are definitely interested in things that you are not interested in at all. If you don’t like to dance, then take dancing lessons, go out dancing, or go to a dance competition. If you don’t like to eat out, then start eating out more.
If you aren’t very religious, start going to church.
Almost always in a marriage, one partner likes the evening and the other likes the morning. To find your partner, change your schedule occasionally. If you like to go to bed early, then start going places at night. If you like to sleep late, then start getting up and taking brisk morning walks. You will meet so many more people. One of them may be your soul mate, or one of them may introduce you to your soul mate.
If you don’t like sports, then start going to local games and sporting activities. If you don’t like going to school, then take a few classes at night. If you don’t like to read, start hanging out at a bookstore or library. If you normally drive places, then walk more if possible. If you bring your lunch to work, try eating out occasionally. If you eat out a lot, try shopping at the supermarket. If you eat a lot of junk food, try shopping at a health-food store or green market.
If you don’t like to read very much, start hanging out at a bookstore or library.
When you expand your territory in this way, your chances of meeting your soul mate go up dramatically. With this new insight, finding a partner who shares chemistry with you becomes a much easier task.
THE SECOND ELEMENT OF CHEMISTRY: COMPLEMENTARY NEEDS
The second element is complementary needs. Soul mates basically have something that their partners need. When a man has what a woman needs, then she feels chemistry. For men, it is the other way around. When a woman needs what a man has to offer, he feels chemistry. This mutual dependence creates healthy emotional chemistry.
Emotional chemistry frees us from being limited by our unrealistic pictures of what our ideal partner will look like or be like. When a man is able to experience the thrill of feeling needed by a woman, he is no longer caught in pictures and expectations of what his ideal partner should look like. He is released from judging her physical appearance when he enjoys the pleasure of making little romantic gestures and feeling her responses.
When a woman experiences a man treating her in a special way, she is free from fixating on how her ideal partner should look. By experiencing the chemistry that results from being receptive to a man’s approach, she is free to follow her heart and not get caught up in unrealistic expectations of perfection.
Places Where a Woman Needs a Man
With this insight, a woman can wisely look for her soul mate in places where she would be most receptive and responsive to what a man has to offer. If you need help setting up your computer, then by going to a computer fair, where you actually need what the men there have to offer, you may meet the man for you. Particularly if you are not even interested in computers, your chances increase even more.
If you need help setting up your computer, then by going to a computer fair, you may meet the right man.
By asking for directions when you are lost or on a trip, you become more receptive to appreciating what a man can give you. If you take a trail ride or go on an adventure tour, there are many times when you would need a man’s help. By attending any class to learn something, you are creating the ideal opportunity for a guy to be helpful. Attending any sporting event that you know very little about makes you more receptive to receiving a man’s help in understanding the game. Men love to be experts. Whenever you go to places where a man’s expertise can be helpful, there will be more chemistry.
By attending any class to learn something, you are creating the ideal opportunity for a guy to be helpful.
If she goes to a dance, a woman definitely needs and appreciates a partner to dance with. When women dance with women, it puts a man out of a job. A man feels a greater risk of being rejected when he doesn’t feel needed. Ideally, you can go dancing with couples who are friends. With your girlfriend’s permission, you can dance with your friend’s boyfriend or husband. When an interested man sees that you are dancing with a man you are not involved with, he will be encouraged to ask you to dance. People naturally get on a train when it is just about to leave. Likewise when a woman is already dancing with someone it makes a man want to ask her to dance even more.
Places Where a Man Feels Needed
With this insight a man can wisely meet the woman of his dreams in a place where she will feel most receptive to what he has to offer. By doing volunteer work in a community, he may find the perfect woman for him. By helping out with parades, he will meet many women. When a woman has a chance to experience the benefit of a man with a plan, she begins to feel her chemistry with him. Whenever a situation arises where leadership is required, you should jump at that opportunity. Even if your soul mate is not there, someone may be watching who will eventually introduce you to her.
Whenever a situation arises where leadership is required, you should jump at that opportunity.
By baby-sitting for a friend and strolling with the baby at different times in the park, you will attract women like bees to honey. Women will immediately begin to think, This man is really caring; he is responsible; he helps take care of a baby. If you are not really that caring, you should not fake it just to get a woman. The point of these suggestions is not to create temporary attraction but to find a woman for whom you feel lasting attraction. When you show your responsible side, the woman for you has the chance to feel her attraction for you.
By baby-sitting for a friend and strolling with the baby in the park, a man will attract women like bees to honey.
You do not need to worry that she will feel you are taken. She will come up and talk about the baby. She will ask lots of questions about the baby to give you many opportunities to explain that it is not yours. When she finds out you are available, she will be really thrilled. If you don’t know anyone with a baby, then you can borrow someone’s dog and walk it at different times in the park.
You can most effectively find a partner in places where women are dependent on you for a certain kind of support. Whenever there is a crisis in the community, a fire, flood, earthquake, storm, tornado, or hurricane, these are the best times for you to go out, be of service, and find a wife.
When a man wears a uniform, it helps a woman feel her chemistry. A uniform symbolizes that a man has a certain purpose in which he is confident and responsible. When you wear your uniform, it demonstrates that you are proud of what you do and that you love your work. These are big pluses. On your day off, whenever you can get away with it, you should wear your uniform.
Women love a man in a uniform, and a man should wear one whenever he can get away with it.
By putting himself in situations where he is needed by women, children, and the elderly, a man can bring out the best in a woman. When she expresses a sense of grace and receptiveness in response to his efforts, he can feel the potential chemistry between them.
Sometimes he cannot feel the chemistry unless he first actually does something that stimulates a response in her. Her response makes him feel that by providing for her needs, he can get the trust, acceptance, and appreciation that he needs in order to thrive in a relationship.
Likewise, when a man expresses a sense of confidence, purposefulness, and responsibility in his actions, a woman feels the chemistry she has for him. His efforts convince her that she could get the caring consideration, understanding, and respect that she needs in a relationship. Let’s explore an example of how emotional chemistry can be triggered.
Harry, an acting teacher, said, “I first met my wife, Trudy, in one of my classes. She was a great student. I felt so attracted to her when I first looked at her that I could barely teach the class. When I thought about asking her out, I couldn’t even breathe, much less think of what to say. Eventually I summoned up my courage and offered to help her read scripts after class. It was a memorable moment. The sparks were flying.
“The next week I assigned romantic scripts to act out. After class, she asked me if I would read scripts with her again. I was a bumbling idiot when I tried to talk with Trudy, but I could read a script. Although someone else wrote the script, when I read it Trudy was won over. To this day I still thank Shakespeare. We both smiled that day and we have been smiling ever since. Even to this day, I help her work on her scripts. I love having a skill that she clearly appreciates.”
THE THIRD ELEMENT OF CHEMISTRY: MATURITY
The third element is maturity. Soul mates basically have similar levels of maturity. In most cases, as we continue to grow older we gain a certain depth in our lives. We will automatically feel a chemistry with someone who reflects our level of maturity or depth. This maturity does not necessarily have to do with age, but it is a big factor.
One of the ways to experience this chemistry is to visit places where you are assured of meeting people your age. School reunions are great for this. Even if you don’t meet someone right away, by reconnecting to these people you may get their support in finding someone. Many of their friends will be your age.
We cannot fully recognize a soul mate until we are ready. We need to know ourselves first before we can recognize the right person for us. Each time we gain experience of the higher stages of dating, our maturity and discernment increase.
After ending a long-term relationship, or a marriage, one of the best ways to find a soul mate is to revisit previous partners with whom you have felt chemistry. After taking several months to grieve the loss of a relationship, when you are feeling more complete and autonomous, then take some time to get reacquainted with all past partners who are available.
Just call to get reacquainted and see if sparks begin to fly. Many people grow and mature in a relationship so that when they move on, they find they are ready for a relationship that didn’t work in the past. Let’s look at an example.
Getting Reacquainted
Tricia, a bookkeeper, said, “I had finally completed a two-year relationship and was looking forward to spending a quiet weekend in prayer, meditation, and catching up on my reading. I felt I had had enough of men for a while and I said, This weekend is for my relationship with God.”
Then, out of the blue, Tommy, an old boyfriend, called. They hadn’t talked in four years. They had dated for more than a year, but after a while they just went their separate ways. Tricia had always felt a special chemistry with Tommy and was very sad when he got involved with someone else.
During his call he said he had been married and divorced in a two-year period and that for the last year he had been single again. He had called just to catch up. In their phone conversation, after hearing her voice, he realized that he had made a mistake in leaving her. He told her, “It is so great to talk with you after all these years. I am feeling so much love in my heart for you. It’s as though the angels in heaven are singing.”
With one phone call he realized that he was ready to have a committed relationship with her. He was ready to move into stage three because he had grown to the place where he knew what he wanted and immediately felt chemistry on all levels: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. He wanted to give their relationship a chance. He had matured so much in his last relationship that he immediately knew she was the one for him.
Tricia told him that her weekend was reserved for God. Instead of taking that as a no, Tommy got excited and said, “That’s it; that’s why I must have called. I am the answer to your prayers.” They both laughed. Tommy was so insistent on coming that Tricia finally agreed. He drove six hours to be with her. He even got a speeding ticket.
They stayed up all night talking. After one month they became engaged, and within six months they were married. Tommy and Tricia had loved each other before, but it just hadn’t been the right time. With the wisdom that only experience can provide, they now realized they were soul mates.
Maturity Means Greater Wisdom
As we become more mature, we gain greater wisdom and self-control. If we have negative addictive habits, eventually we feel motivated to clean up our life. We start reaching out to get support from others who are also putting their lives in order.
By attending various support groups, you have an opportunity to experience the chemistry that comes from shared maturity. There are all kinds of support groups. There are church-sponsored groups, “parents without partners” groups, Alcoholics Anonymous groups, and so on. All of these places are excellent for making new friends who will open many new doors to find your soul mate.
By attending support groups we can find people with similar maturity.
If you are not making the changes you feel you should be making, then you will be less attractive to others. A potential soul mate may just feel something is missing. What is missing is another attempt to put your life in order.
Putting Our Lives in Order
When Justin heard this, he realized that he had been afraid once again to try to quit smoking. He thought that if he tried he would just fail. When he heard that with maturity the power to change increases, he decided once again to give up smoking. He was thirty-eight and decided that he could do it.
At a party he told some of his friends that he had quit smoking. They were very proud of him. That evening, Christina, a former girlfriend, approached him and they started talking. She was very impressed with his change. She realized that when she had felt so attracted to him, his smoking had been the main reason that she held back from fully embracing him. Justin and Christina were soul mates, but they didn’t know it until Justin reached a certain level of maturity.
It was not that smoking made Justin unattractive. What made him unattractive was not living up to his potential. By holding on to habits that he was strong enough and mature enough to release, he had made himself less attractive. Because he made the commitment to change, they were both eventually able to make the commitment to get married.
The More We Know, the More We Don’t Know
The more we know, the more we don’t know. With the wisdom of greater maturity, we naturally seek out additional information on subjects that are dear to us. Another way to find someone with your level of maturity is to take a class in a subject that is important to your well-being.
Carol, an insurance salesperson, said, “I met my husband in a Mars/Venus workshop. I was so impressed by his interest in learning more about women and relationships. I thought if there was anybody that I would want to marry it would be someone who knew these things about men and women or at least was interested in learning more. I guess I wanted insurance.
“Right away I knew I could trust him. I felt it was fate that brought us together. I helped out a little, however. I only took seven workshops before I met him. The odds were in my favor that I would meet a man interested in a quality relationship.”
Letting Go of the Past
Sometimes as we get older we just assume things will be the same. We don’t realize that patterns can and do change. Both men and women hold back from getting involved when they assume that every relationship has to be the same. When we take time to learn from the mistakes in our past relationships, we can have confidence that our future relationships will be better.
Pauline worked as a manager for the phone company. She said, “I met my husband, Craig, at a dinner party. My friends introduced us, but I wasn’t the least bit interested in getting involved again. I had been married twice before. But there was something different about Craig. I wasn’t physically attracted to him at all, but he was the most interesting man I had ever met.
“Craig is seven years older than me, but that adds to my attraction to him. I have always been mature for my age. He responds to things in such a thoughtful and considerate manner. I admire his wisdom about the world.
“I realized that I just needed someone who had more maturity to stimulate me. In previous relationships, I had always followed my sexual attractions, but this time, even though there was no sexual chemistry, I felt that he was very interesting. He pursued me. After a while, it finally happened. I was really surprised to experience that I felt a passionate physical attraction for him as well. It took a while to build, but for years now it just keeps on burning.”
THE FOURTH ELEMENT OF CHEMISTRY: RESONANCE
The fourth element of chemistry is resonance. Soul mates have similar values that resonate. This element of chemistry inspires us to be the best we can be. When we are with our partner, what is most important to him or her resonates with what is really important to us.
Your partner’s values concerning God, family, work, recreation, politics, money, character, sex, and marriage resonate within you and inspire you. You are able to see the good in your soul mate and respect and admire his or her values. To have similar values does not mean that you will necessarily think and feel the same way about issues. You will be able to respect your partner’s viewpoint and admire where he or she is coming from.
One person could be a Democrat and the other a Republican. Even though they have different approaches, they both value a fair government for the people. But if one valued the tyranny of dictatorship and the other valued democracy, there would not be enough resonance to create soul chemistry.
The most common place people find their soul mate is at their church, their synagogue, or some other place of worship. This is because people of similar values will be drawn to a particular spiritual institution. They are able to meet people whose spiritual values resonate with their own.
Roberto felt chemistry with Lucia because their values resonated. Roberto, an engineer, said, “I met my wife, Lucia, at church. We attended several classes together and eventually went out. I noticed her right away, but as I got to know her I fell in love with her. I think sharing the same faith made it easier for us to accept and trust each other. We have so many differences, but we do share the same beliefs about life and family. I respected her values and I wanted her to be the mother of my children. I feel so fortunate to have met her. I think it was meant to be.”
Sharing values makes us compatible with someone. It helps us to overcome the challenges that come with any relationship. When we experience the inevitable ups and downs, we can always get back up when deep in our souls we resonate with the highest values of our partner. This compatibility allows us to make compromises without giving up who we are or what is important to us. By going to places where our values are supported, we are also sure to meet our soul mate.
HAVING FUN TOGETHER
Another place to find a soul mate is on vacation. If you like to dance, party, and have fun, then a vacation where everyone eats together and shares recreational activities is ideal for meeting your soul mate. Cruises and resorts like Club Med are excellent places to meet a soul mate.
Crystal, a schoolteacher, shared, “I met my husband, Charlie, at a Club Med resort. We were both recreational instructors. We both loved water sports and enjoyed having lots of fun. Charlie is a great dancer and I just fell in love with him. I think it was fate that brought us together at that particular location. There were so many other locations to pick from and this was not even the one I wanted to work at. It was the only one that had a job opening.
“Charlie now works in the publishing business. We still love going on vacations together and we live by the water. When we fight about things we take time out to go dancing or sailing and then it is so much easier to make up.”