I’m completely caught in the middle. Slow and coma all day, I’m on the verge of total mind melt, lying like a useless sack of meat in my bed. Eli buzzes and says he misses me and we should get into it again. I lie in bed and think about buzzing him back, telling him I’ll heel it on over and we can drag tars and swap spit in his dingy den and maybe together find some of that powdered white slip. It would be so easy. Too easy. I could even have sex with him again, I guess. It’s basically all I can think about, sex. But not with Eli.
Eve is no longer Ancient History.
I let thoughts of her creep and spread through me, my new Never-Ending Pending, my mind on her like flame on spilt gasoline. I think about her hand around my wrist. And her perfume. And her lips. I think about her crank heart-Jack. And her hand. And her lips.
I think about what the soft warmth of her skin would feel like pressed against mine, sliding against me, pushing, in my mouth. How she would taste. I think about her fingers on my back, gripping me, pulling. And her hand. And her lips.
I worry about Oma. And then switch back to brooding over Eve. I half consider dishing everything to Maya, feeling I might burst if I keep it all inside. I think maybe she’d listen and keep the Eve stuff on the DL and I even buzz her What’s fresh, Drug-Free? but she doesn’t buzz back. I know that even if she did I’d prolly lose my nerve. I don’t even think of dialing Zo.
I call Oma’s and the speak just rings and rings.
So, I just sit at home and pine and suffer alone.
I get up and run miles upon miles, and pine and suffer alone.
I shower, and pine and suffer alone.
I lie here in bed, and pine and suffer alone.
And I love it.