THE MIRROR DID NOT ORDINARILY tell Nina she was beautiful. She knew herself—and most people reaffirmed this—passably pretty when she was at her best. Considerable effort, however, had been put toward her hair and dress that day.
The couturier at first had been ready to throw a fit, saying a dress for such an occasion could not be finished in a short time frame, but the item had been delivered with a day to spare. Her evening gown was aquamarine chiffon with a printed floral pattern, embroidered with glass beads, a sash at her waist. It bared her shoulders, made her look airy, and had been strategically calculated to contrast with her emerald engagement ring. Ordinarily the ring would have been bestowed at the end of the party, but Luc wanted all of Loisail to see her wearing his gift and had insisted that she put it on the moment she went downstairs.
She looked beautiful, then, with pearls in her ears—her mother’s gift—a diamond hair comb from Gaetan, and her emerald ring upon her finger. She was the princess in storybooks, the embodiment of every girlish fantasy she’d ever had.
She felt, however, as if she were drowning, thrashing her legs in a futile attempt to remain afloat. She reproached herself for this—she had no business feeling like that when she should be laughing.
The door to the room opened, and Madelena peeked her head inside. “Nina? The guests are starting to arrive. Luc needs you downstairs with him to receive them.”
It was supposed to be a small party, but the guest list kept growing and it had been quickly decided—Gaetan and Valérie were doing the planning—it must be hosted at Gaetan’s home since they needed to accommodate Luc’s parents, his brothers and their wives, and a number of friends and associates whose names Nina did not recognize but who were deemed essential. A newspaper writer and a photographer from The Courier were even in attendance, to report on the event and take a picture of the groom- and bride-to-be. Gaetan had told her this gathering would be the golden brooch that would close the Grand Season.
“The costume ball of the Sertis’ won’t have that honor this year,” her cousin opined, and though Nina had tried to tell them she would have preferred an intimate gathering, Luc sided with Gaetan and Valérie. A larger party it was.
“How nice you look,” Madelena said, walking in and setting her hands on Nina’s shoulders. “Are you ready?”
Nina had been ready for nearly half an hour. She had arrived early with her great-aunts and rushed upstairs to one of Gaetan’s guest rooms to change. The lady’s maid had helped her into her dress, fussed with her hair, and Nina had spent many minutes staring at her reflection.
“One more minute.”
“Luc will be beside himself when he sees you. And Mother is incredibly proud.”
“I’m sure,” Nina muttered.
Everyone was gushing with praise for Luc. He looked incredibly fine! His family was well connected!
“Such a nice match,” her sister said.
“Yes,” Nina replied, standing up. There could be no more dallying.
When Nina entered the ballroom, Luc hurried to her side and took her arm, kissing her on the cheek. They stood like that together, smiling as the guests streamed in, costly flowers arranged behind them for best effect. She had difficulty placing names and faces, but Luc knew everyone and could recall a detail about each person. Nina had to extend her hand many times to show off her ring and intone its provenance. Duveras, naturally, Luc would say, and Nina smiled.
Luc looked more than handsome, nearly perfect. He wore a black jacket and a blue watered-silk waistcoat, lavishly embroidered. He also wore a proud expression, his blond head raised high. And why shouldn’t he be proud? Nina could see flashes of admiration, even jealousy, in the attendees’ eyes, and for once the ladies and gentlemen whispering to each other were not pointing out something Nina had done wrong, but everything she’d done right.
After the bulk of the guests had arrived, they set to walking around the room, milling with strangers. Nina wanted to dance. When she’d pictured this moment as a girl—and she’d pictured it often, the whirlwind romance, the engagement party with exquisite music and distinguished guests—she’d focused on the dance.
“Not now,” Luc told her. “We must speak to a number of people.”
“We have already spoken to a number of people as they arrived,” she replied.
“Nina, no one dances at their engagement party.”
Having learned most of the things she knew from books, she did not recall this detail. In her romances, in her imagination, there had been dancing.
Nina stared at Luc, but he smiled and dragged her to talk to another couple, then another. Luc knew exactly what he wanted to say to each person and monopolized every conversation, steering it in the direction of his choice. She was left standing silently at his side.
She had a panicked feeling, as if splinters were digging into the palms of her hands. She wanted to draw herself into a corner and take a deep breath, but there was a terrible amount of activity, dozens of people smiling at her. She gripped Luc’s arm.
She felt he was the only element keeping her afloat, and why, why was there such tightness in her chest?
“Could we sit down for a moment? Perhaps go outside for a breath of fresh air?” she asked. “I do not feel too well.”
“Darling, do you see that man over there?” Luc said. “That is Flavio Odem, and I am hoping he will help finance a crucial business venture of mine. We have to talk to him.”
“Five minutes, Luc.”
“Nina, we must take advantage of this opportunity. It is difficult to obtain a meeting with a number of people in this room.”
“Luc, please.”
He was looking in the direction of Odem and only threw her a quick, irritated glance.
“He is heading toward the smoking room. Nina … fine, you go outside for a minute. I can’t take you into the smoking room with the men, anyway.”
“Luc.”
“Be a good girl,” he said, and now he granted her a sweet smile.
He left with that. Nina somehow managed to slide out of the house. She took a deep breath.
The full moon smiled above her, and Nina tipped her head up to look at it.
How much better and quieter it was outside, the voices of the party muffled, the lights of the chandeliers not blinding her. She’d wanted this, had she not? She’d come to Loisail for this, and the city had been cruel, but now it had granted her the childhood dream she’d built from scraps of books. And soon they’d be away from the metropolis; Luc had promised her a long honeymoon, and they would settle in another city. This suited her well.
Something buzzed against her cheek, and Nina turned her head and saw a nocturnal beetle flutter and land on her hand.
It was a blue lightning bug, with luminous spots, a creature meant for warmer climates and summer days. How odd it should fly around Loisail! Then again, it had been a warm spring.
I must tell Hector of this find, she thought, and had to mentally correct herself because it was Luc. She ought to tell Luc about the beetle. She turned her head, ready to slip back into the party, and then did not move.
Because Luc would not care. He was in the smoking room, speaking to his friends.
The beetle flashed blue in a blinking, cycling pattern, then suddenly took off, fluttering away.
She followed it, drawn by its light, with slow steps, then faster, then so fast, she was running, almost tripping over her dress. Three blocks from the house, she lost sight of the insect.
Nina stood there, stunned, uncertain, not knowing what she was doing or why.
It came to her then, a single thought so overwhelming, it erased everything: the discomfort of the evening and the rational voice in her head pleading for her to turn back ceased. The thought was simply that she wanted Hector.
She ran toward the nearest avenue where she might catch a carriage, almost stumbling into the path of a horse. The driver yelled a curse and reined in his mount, the carriage stopping right in front of her.
“Are you mad, girl?!” he exclaimed.
Yes, she thought. Yes and no, for she had not been this clearheaded in days.
“Take me to Boniface,” she told the driver, and when he looked at her skeptically, she removed her pearl earrings and held them up. “You can have these if you do.”
He muttered under his breath but snatched the earrings all the same, and she hurried inside. The wheels did not turn fast enough for her taste, nor could she rush out of the vehicle fast enough as the carriage pulled up in front of Hector’s building. She forced the entrance open with her power, not even thinking to use it; the door simply sprang open, obeying her desire more than her mind. She ran up the stairs and knocked three times.
Hector opened the door in his lounging robe and stared at her, looking surprised.
She stood breathless before him and managed to speak in a low voice. “You will forgive me, but I had to see you,” she said.
She walked past him, and he was too startled to impede her path. An army might not have been able to hold her back at this point.
“Are you unwell? Is something amiss?” he asked, sounding worried.
“It was my engagement party tonight,” she replied.
She felt as if she were sinking into the deepest of waters and appropriately took a deep breath, a swimmer ready to dive under the waves. She was not sure he’d save her, he might let her dash against the rocks, but she must speak, she must attempt this.
“Hector, I cannot marry Luc Lémy. I do not love him, and I do not believe I could find true happiness with him.”
Now that she had started speaking, it all became easier. She was nervous but determined. She had broken to the surface. She was not drowning but living, everything inside her eager and awake.
“I am in love with another man. Since Oldhouse and before that. He is intelligent and dedicated and kind. He understands me, and I believe I understand him. I like the way he talks and the way he smiles. I like many things about him, I cannot ever remember all of them.”
She approached him and did not know what to do with her hands, she was too nervous. She settled for clutching them together, and her voice dipped.
“I love you,” she concluded.
The minutes went by in a dense silence. He looked more wearied than pleased. Then again, she was unsure how men should take declarations of love. This did not appear in any of her books.
“You have nothing to say to me?” she asked.
“Nina,” he said with a sigh, “Nina we must get you back to your party.”
He extended a hand, as if to point her to the door, and she tensed at once.
“No,” she said, brushing his hand away. “No, did you not hear me? I do not want to go back. I won’t marry him.”
He gave her an odd, brittle look. His shoulders were hunched.
Anger licked her skin.
“What is wrong with you? I am here, baring my heart to you, and you can hardly look at me.”
“Decisions made in the haste of the moment are often regretted. Come morning, you might see matters in a different light,” he replied.
“Different light?”
“Yes. What do you think will happen to your reputation? There will be a scandal if you break this engagement, doubly compounded if you break it for me.”
“I know exactly what I am doing. I have finally regained my senses and realize I cannot walk a path of lies,” she told him.
He ran a hand through his hair and let out a low “no.”
If she’d been wiser, she might have chosen this moment to leave him, mortified by the whole sorry chain of events that had led her to his home. Instead, Nina dug her heels in and she stared at him. It was the folly of youth that gave her courage.
“You are a coward,” she said.
He snapped up straight, tall and firm again, his shoulders stiff.
“Yes,” she pressed on. “I see it now. You can act the part of a secure man onstage, but you are nothing but a coward. You fear what they’ll say about you.”
“No, I fear for you,” he said vehemently.
He looked scared to death, and she felt like calling him every terrible name she’d ever heard because she could see him receding inward, his head falling. She thought, He intends to leave it at this.
Nina shook all over in disbelief.
“I fear for my heart, too,” he said, raising his head and piercing her with his eyes.
Hector made a noise—it sounded like he was chuckling, she could not be sure. His thick eyebrows were furrowed, and he raised his hands, then dropped them heavily at his side, his fingers curled tight.
“You have no idea, Nina, what it is like to love someone so much, it tears you apart, that you think you will die when you lose them. And after experiencing such awful pain, you never want to feel it again any more than a man wants another limb hacked off.”
“I have some idea,” she whispered.
He did not reply, but she noticed how his jaw clenched at that.
Hector walked away from her, moving along the table, to the other end of the vast room, which served as parlor and dining area alike, this odd home he filled with its jumble of eclectic objects.
“You are a coward.”
“Nina—” he began, and she bridged the distance between them as quickly as he had established it, reaching his side.
“Do you think you can put your heart in a box of iron and throw away the key? Do you think that is the best way to live? Keep your damn heart in a box and let nothing touch it!” she exclaimed.
Ready to depart, now that she had said her piece, she whirled away from him. Her chest burned with ardent sorrow, but at least she was glad she was not weeping.
“No, I do not think it is possible, because you are in there already!” he yelled back.
She gasped but remained afraid that if she said or did a single thing, he’d stop speaking.
“You are everywhere in my life. I did not want that,” he confessed.
She turned around. Hector was severe and the look in his eyes was that of a man in pain, not one declaring his love, but there was a sincerity that had been lacking when Luc promised her eternal happiness.
Nina slid closer to him. “Then why won’t you let me beside you instead of keeping me in a solitary corner of that box?”
“What happens when you stop loving me?” he asked tersely.
That was the crux of the matter, the invisible dividing line on the floor.
“Why should I?” she replied. “Because Valérie stopped loving you?”
She looked at him, straight in the eye. There was no room for coyness.
“I am not Valérie,” she said.
“I’ve noticed.”
“Then?”
“Then,” he muttered. “You were speaking of leaving the city a few days ago, of Luc Lémy, and I—”
“And you said nothing.”
He replied with a speechless stare, looking humbled. He was older than she, but one would have thought her the senior if they’d seen them then and noticed her carefully crafted boldness. “What would you have had me say? It would have been improper … and I thought you liked him, I thought—”
“I’ve thought silly things, too,” Nina said. “It doesn’t matter. But now? What will you do now? For a man who once gave me a pack of playing cards, I don’t think you’ve ever learned one must gamble in order to win. And despite all your talk of teaching me, that’s one lesson I can give you.”
She extended a hand and smoothed the cuff of his faded lounging robe, wanting to touch his fingers and not daring, because he looked like he might bolt out of sight, as he had bolted when they were in the tower at Oldhouse.
“Will you kiss me now, or shall I let you be?” she asked, and couldn’t help the fragility in her voice though she was attempting to sound resolute.
Hector pulled Nina to him, bending down to kiss her. She gripped his shoulders and kissed him back, her fingers dipping under the fabric of the robe, touching his skin.
He lifted his face and looked at her.
She thought if he pulled away from her this time, she might collapse in tears, but he smiled gently. Slowly, hesitantly, he caressed her cheek.
“You’ll stay with me?” he asked in a hushed tone.
“Yes,” she said, knowing he didn’t mean for a while, that she could not possibly go back after this, and he was right, there’d be a scandal. “I’ll stay.”
Nina removed the diamond comb from her hair, drew several pins from it, too, and shook her head, letting the heavy mass of hair spill down her shoulders.
She raised her hand and took off the engagement ring, setting the precious emerald everyone had fawned over on the table, next to his papers and books and a bright, painted wooden box.
Then she pressed the same hand against his chest. His heart leapt up, like a wave, drawn by her touch.