Ashley maneuvered her crutches through the hall doorway while Neely held it open. Devon had picked up Joey as promised, but hadn’t had the opportunity to tell her what he’d learned about Gina with the kids present. She was eager to hear what had happened.
“Thanks.” She swung her leg forward as they made their way toward the office door. On her way, she’d noticed two large banquet rooms, both with lovely chandeliers hanging from the ceiling, large round tables and a wall of windows looking out to the setting beyond.
Neely pointed. “The hall looking into the garden is ours.”
Admiring the view a moment, Ashley shifted forward and looked into the second room. The setting through the window appeared to be a patio with a large fountain, today not spouting water, but she assumed it did for varying events. She agreed with Ashley’s choice, preferring the garden that would be a lovely summer setting.
A woman appeared from the office, her hand extended. “Neely Andrews, I assume. I’m Jessica Rushford.”
Neely greeted her and introduced Ashley.
She beckoned them back into the office. “Let’s talk menu first and then decor.”
Ashley heard them talking and tried to wrap her mind around the menu, but the details escaped her. Instead, her thoughts were on Devon, the double problem. The first was Devon’s situation with Gina and getting the details of her absence from Renee. The second problem was her own. How could she stop herself from falling in love with a man she could never marry?
Then she considered Joey. Devon had won the boy’s heart without trying. He’d learned Devon’s name although she never knew how it would come out. Joey often said Debon. It made her chuckle.
Chicken with artichokes and capers. The dish brought her back to the task at hand. She forced her attention to the conversation.
“What do you think, Ash?”
She eyed Neely, having no idea if she was talking about the chicken or some other dish. “Everyone likes chicken.”
“No, I meant the stuffed pork loin. That’s different.” Neely pointed at the banquet menu. “Or we could go with the beef.” She curled her nose.
The look gave Ashley the clue. “Pork is different. Everyone has beef.”
“Good. That’s what I thought.”
As Neely settled on the potato dish, vegetables and salads, Ashley sailed back to her own quandary. Could she and Devon remain friends? No more touches. Avoid the looks that became kisses. Could she do it?
Why not? She could if she wanted to avoid his romantic overtures, but that’s the question she couldn’t answer. The look in Devon’s eyes drew her in and tangled her in threads of longing. Being touched, feeling a man’s hand on hers, his arm embracing her, the feel of his lips against hers, she’d missed those feelings since Adam flew off for duty. She’d almost forgotten how amazing it had been wrapped in the feelings of being special and loved.
Not that she knew Devon loved her. The question jarred her mind. He was caring and tender. Was his kiss one of romance or one of...? Why did she try to fool herself? She could tell a friendly peck on the cheek from a kiss that held promise. Devon had feelings for her. She didn’t know the depth, but she knew they were real. And if she were honest, so were hers.
“Ash.”
Her head twisted toward Neely, hoping her eyes didn’t look as glazed as they felt. “What?”
“You’re here to help me. I don’t think you’re listening.”
“I am...sort of. My mind wandered for a minute.” Ten minutes. Maybe fifteen.
Her sister shoved a paper into her hand. “Look at this. What do you think?”
She scanned the wedding menu—traditional appetizers of veggies and dip, cheese and crackers, with entrées the two meats she’d discussed with Neely, potatoes au gratin, mixed vegetables, a variety of salads, dinner rolls and a buffet of minidesserts. “It looks wonderful. I wouldn’t change a thing.”
“Naturally we’ll have a wedding cake, too.” Neely took back the menu and handed it to Jessica. “And a punch to be served with the appetizers.”
“Certainly.” Jessica made a note on the paper. “That’s a given, but you can have a fruit punch with sherbet or one that’s less fruity that the gentlemen usually prefer.”
“That would be fine. We need to please everyone.”
Ashley agreed, mainly to let her sister know she’d been listening. She had to stay focused.
“Now, I’ll prepare a copy of this for you while you and your sister look through this album that shows the available colors for the linens and some of our table centerpieces.” She rose, set the album on the table beside them and left the room.
Neely opened the cover, but instead of looking at the pictures, she shook her head and stared at Ashley. “What’s wrong with you? You’re off in Wonderland.”
“No, I’m...I’m just—”
A concerned look flew to Neely’s face. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t think when I asked you to come that you might think back to your own wed—”
“Neely, no.” She touched her sister’s arm. “It’s not that at all. My mind is on a multitude of things, but mainly my relationship with Devon.”
“What happened? Did he do something to—”
“Nothing. He did nothing.” Other than kiss me. “It’s me. He’s wonderful, and I like him more than I can say, but I can’t get involved with him. I can’t let myself do that. I’d hurt him and myself because no matter how much I’d like to, I can’t form a relationship with a man whose job puts his life in danger daily. I can’t.”
“Did he lead you to believe he wants more than a friendship?” She slipped her hand on Ashley’s shoulder. “I know he’s around some, but maybe he’s just lonely and wants a friend.”
“That’s what I told myself until...”
Neely’s eyes widened. “What? Until what?”
Ashley knew she’d blown it, and she didn’t have time to discuss the whole thing before Jessica came back. “Let’s look at the album. We can discuss this later.”
“Until what?” Determination glinted on Neely’s face.
“He kissed me.”
“He did?”
The memory washed over her. “And I kissed him back.”
Neely sat unmoving for a moment. “I can’t say I’m not glad, Ash. He’s a really nice guy, and I want you to find someone in your life who can fill the emptiness you’ve felt since the tragedy with—”
“And live day in and day out waiting for another person to come to my door and tell me my husband died trying to save someone’s life.” No matter how she fought her emotion, tears blurred her vision. “I can’t do it.”
Neely’s hand grasped hers. “Ash, I—”
“How are you doing, ladies?” Jessica’s voice pierced the conversation.
“Sorry, we got sidetracked.” Neely chuckled. “You know, two sisters with a million things to talk about.” She turned to Ashley. “Let’s finish this so Jessica can get back to work.” She shifted the album so they could both see it and discussed color scheme.
Ashley did her best to focus. They could talk later, but the problem was hers, and all the talk in the world couldn’t change a thing.
* * *
Devon watched Kaylee crouch through the colorful tunnel of tubes and head for the slide. Joey followed. He loved seeing the two children play. Today Kaylee had behaved like a big sister.
He’d decided a fast-food treat with a play area would help pass the time and keep them entertained. He didn’t realize how entertained he would be watching them. Having fun had escaped him for too long. He hadn’t realized until Ashley came into his life. She’d become his fresh air, one without smoke and danger. A life with smiles and laughter, with spontaneous moments. One with a kiss he longed to repeat.
Ashley’s comments of friendship, not commitment, concerned him, though he understood and agreed. They both had issues. He needed to resolve the situation with Gina. He wanted the truth, and Ashley longed for something, but a something he couldn’t put his finger on. Some days he sensed Ashley still loved her husband so much that she couldn’t release the devotion and look ahead at life. Other times, he tossed out the idea. She had grown beyond that, although she would never stop loving his memory. He admired that. It meant she’d found a true love and for some reason the Lord had chosen to take that love from her.
But for what? Was it for him? Would God do that? The idea seemed ludicrous. War wasn’t God’s doing. Evil caused war. Selfish, immoral individuals wanting what didn’t belong to them, striving to stamp out lives they didn’t value. That wasn’t God’s doing. He preserved life so it could be abundant. He remembered hearing that in church years back with Gina. He liked the idea of an abundant life. Not money. He knew it wasn’t that kind of abundance, but an abundance of joy and health and well-being serving the Lord and praising Him. Walking in His steps.
He’d forged his own trail, and time had come to detour back to the path set for him. What that plan was he didn’t know, but he wanted to trust. He wouldn’t have Kaylee over the weekend, but he wanted to attend worship anyway.
When Joey wanted to play in the bin of colorful balls—a sea of color that rolled and pitched like waves, Kaylee said she’d rather not. They shifted closer so he could keep an eye on Joey and see what was up with Kaylee. Her earlier giggles had passed, and a serious look showed in her eyes.
He sat on the edge of a nearby bench, giving a wave to Joey, but while his eyes were on him, he drew Kaylee closer. “Are you sad about something?” He glanced her way.
She gave a shrug.
Her demeanor let him know she had a problem. “Tell me what’s bothering you.”
“If I do, I’m doing something bad.”
Her head lowered, and his heart broke. “Bad in what way?”
“Aunt Renee told me not to say stuff and I want to.”
His pulse jumped, hoping. “Is it a bad word?”
A faint grin dissipated her tense face. “Daddy, I don’t say bad words.”
“Good. Then if it’s not a bad word, you can say it if it’s the truth.” He gave her a squeeze. “Is it?”
Kaylee nodded. “Mommy’s in the hospital.”
“And you weren’t supposed to tell me.” He knew why, but he wondered about her understanding.
“She said so you wouldn’t worry, and—” she turned to face him “—Mommy’s afraid you will want me to live with you.”
His chest constricted. “Would that upset you?”
“No.” She slipped her arm around his back. “I want to. We have fun, and you teach me to bake.”
“But life’s not always fun, Kaylee. I have to go to work, too, so I’d have to have someone take care of you while I’m gone. You know I work two whole days at a time.”
“Ashley could watch me.” She searched his eyes.
His chest ached. “She likes you a lot, but I don’t know about that. We’d have to see what we could work out.”
“But maybe?”
Her desire to live with him hugged his heart, yet worry tried to pry it away. Having Kaylee live with him would be problematic. Yet it was what he wanted. Kaylee needed security and a parent’s guidance. Renee had made a valiant effort, but she was an aunt not a mother or father who loved Kaylee dearly. “Let’s see what happens, sweetheart.”
He knew Renee would fight him, as would Gina if she knew, but Kaylee had admitted preferring to live with him, and that was all he needed to know.
Kaylee rested her cheek against his. “I love you, Daddy.”
“I love you with all my heart, Kaylee.” He turned his face to hers. “Thank you for being honest. Your aunt Renee shouldn’t ask you to keep secrets from me. I understand why she did, but I want you to know that you can tell me anything. I won’t get angry at you. We’ll work things out together. Do you understand?”
“We’ll work things out together.” The faint smile curved her lips. “Me and you.”
“Me and you.” He wrapped his arms around her and held her close.
* * *
Ashley slipped from Devon’s car and opened the backdoor. While Joey squirmed to get loose from the car seat, she unsnapped the belts, and he grinned. “There you go, big boy.” She opened her arms and he reached for her.
Devon stepped beside her and hoisted Joey into his arms. “Where does he go for Sunday school? I’ll take him for you.”
She gave him directions as she hobbled on behind them across the parking lot, and before she reached the sidewalk, Devon had returned.
“No problem. Joey knew exactly where to go.” He stepped beside her and moved along with her to the front of the church and up the two steps into the building.
Devon looked around as they entered, his curiosity not easy to hide. “Very nice.” He pointed into the sanctuary. “I love the stained-glass windows. They’re beautiful.”
“I find solace in them, too. The prisms of color find their way across the seats and spread out on the carpet like a rainbow.”
“Isn’t that God’s promise.”
She grinned. “It sure is.” He placed his hand on her back and avoided bumping the crutch out from under her.
He pointed to a back row. “Do you want to sit here?” His gaze shot to her crutches. “Or are you willing to tackle the walk?”
“Let’s go down a ways.” She started forward, and when her arms appeared to grow more weary than they were already, she stopped. “I’ll sit on the end.”
He slid into the second seat and reached toward her crutches. When she’d maneuvered her way into the row, he took the crutches and placed them on the floor beneath their seats. He opened the program they’d been handed by the usher and perused the inside while she watched him, wondering what he was thinking. “Have you decided what to do yet?”
His head shot up, and it took him a second to understand her question. “About Kaylee, you mean?”
She nodded. “I just wondered. I know you’re thrilled that she told you the truth on her own.”
“That was one of the best moments I’ve experienced in months with Kaylee. I can be a real dad. She not only told me what was happening but said she’d love to live with me.” He shook his head. “I was so—”
“You were amazed.”
“Amazed. Yes.” His head lowered. “But I’m not sure what to do. What’s best for her? I’m struggling with separating my heart from my brain. This decision needs wisdom, and I—”
“Devon, can’t wisdom and heart be the same?” Hearing her response surprised her. She’d struggled with the head-heart battle since she’d met Devon. Maybe the two could never agree.
His head inched upward. “Maybe it can.” He sat a moment, and before he said anything else, the music began and the choir filed in and settled into their seats.
She realized the conversation would continue later, but her own question stayed put in her mind. Could her emotion and her wisdom come up with the same result? Her thoughts roiled in her head until the choir opened the service. The words to the old hymn washed through the room in soft sweet lilting tones. I need Thee, oh, I need Thee. Every hour I need Thee. She needed help.
So did Devon. He slipped his hand over hers and gave it a pat.
His action gave her hope that he realized his need for God in his life. She kept her focus on the music and in prayer.
As the service progressed, the theme for the day came to life in the opening song. Then the pastor spoke on the need for the Lord’s guidance and love, and the way to receive it was through trust.
Awareness swept over her. She lacked trust and not only trust in God, but trust in everyone. She lived on the fringe of fear, and it was no way to live. In fact, it wasn’t really living. The meaning rolled through her, leaving her searching for ways to overcome her present view of life.
As the service reached its close, the congregation stood for the final prayer. She remained seated, not wanting to balance on one foot, but Devon rose, sending her a smile and a nod. After the prayer, the congregation agreed in a final Amen, and the pastor lifted his arms. “Remember these words from Proverbs 3:5-6. “‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.’ Now, go in peace.”
The choir rose and sang its final song, the music a backdrop for her thoughts. The simple words from Proverbs covered her with a kind of peace she hadn’t felt in a long time. She had to trust the Lord with all of her being and not try to make sense of life on her own. If she trusted fully, the Lord would guide her.
When she opened her eyes and lifted her head, Devon stood as if transfixed. She needed her crutches, but she didn’t want to disturb him. She longed to know where his thoughts lay.
The anthem ended and the choir filed out in the hum of conversation as worshippers made their way toward the door. Devon looked at her, a smile easing to his face. He didn’t ask but bent to retrieve her crutches. As she put them beneath her arms, his hand rested again against her back as if supporting her.
She inched her way out of the pew and into the aisle where people she knew greeted her and asked about her health.
Devon paused with her until she had a moment free and then he motioned toward the side door. “I’ll go that way and collect Joey, okay?”
“Good idea.” She nodded to the people. “I’m like a snail here.”
“Don’t rush. I’ll meet you at the front.”
He hurried away, and her spirit lifted. Maybe the head and heart could come to an agreement if she could hang on to trust and faith.
If. Why had she used the word? She could never move ahead while she continued to question herself. Lord, I need You. Oh, I need You.
* * *
Devon hooked Joey into his car seat, making sure the belt was secure before turning his attention to Ashley. She slipped onto the seat, using her crutches as a prop while she swung in her legs. He chuckled. “You’re becoming quite proficient with those crutches.”
“It’s that or scream.” She tilted her head and sent him a silly grin. The sunlight glistened on her hair falling in a cascade around her shoulders, and golden highlights glinted in the sea of mahogany.
His fingers twitched to weave through the soft curls. He closed the passenger door and hurried around the car, sending his thoughts deep into his mind. She’d stated her feelings. Friends only. Her declaration rang like a punishment and not a promise of possibilities.
He slid into the driver’s seat, took a final look at Joey playing with a miniature car he’d found tucked into the seat and headed toward the highway. The pastor’s message had lightened his spirit and now he grappled with the issues at hand. His relationship with Ashley and his confusion over Kaylee ended the bliss he’d enjoyed.
“Devon.”
He glanced toward Ashley, surprised he’d drifted so far away.
“Are you okay?”
He slipped his hand from the wheel and touched her arm. “I’m fine. I enjoyed the service and the message. It’s one I needed to hear.” If only I can hang on to it.
“Do you want to talk more about Kaylee?”
He knew she was looking at him, and though he needed to make a decision, he felt overwhelmed. “I want her to live with me. I’ve decided that, but first I need to search for somewhere she can stay on the days I work. It’s not like a nine-to-five job. I’m gone forty-eight hours, and—”
“Would you like a suggestion?” She tugged on her seat belt and shifted in the seat to face him.
“My mother, right? I’m not sure that will—”
“Not your mother.”
His chest tightened and a scowl pulled on his face. “Then who?”
“Me.”
She’d been Kaylee’s suggestion, but the idea had seemed far-fetched. “You’re on crutches, Ashley. You have Joey, and you work, too. How can you—”
“Kaylee can take care of herself for the most part, and she’d be a help for me. She’ll play with Joey and do little things that will make my life easier. I don’t see it as a problem. I have an extra bedroom, too.”
He weighed her words as he struggled with the “only being friends” idea. Her suggestion would bind them together more tightly. Could he keep his promise to remain friends when she’d already captured his heart? “That’s asking a lot of you, and think of the...ramifications.”
“What do you mean?” Her voice sounded tentative.
He figured she knew what he meant but didn’t want to face it. “We’re weaving our lives together. Is that what you want?”
She didn’t respond, but he could see she was thinking. “It’s not really weaving. It’s...” She shrugged. “Kaylee will start school next year. Then she’ll just spend the evenings with me.”
“I’m a firefighter and always will be. It’s not for a year or two. One day you’ll want to get on with your life, and then—”
“This is my life, Devon. I’m Joey’s mother and I work in my home. The arrangement works for me. And I’m not sure what the future holds, but—”
Her voice sputtered with emotion. He sensed tears in her eyes, and he wished he’d not started this conversation while he was driving. “I’m sorry. I was wrong.” He longed to hold her, to soothe her, to understand what he’d said that triggered her frustration. How could he continue to bind up the strong feelings he had for her and not let them show? “I’ll talk with Renee. I hope she agrees without an argument, but with Gina in the hospital and her health getting worse, I hope we can come to an amicable agreement without getting attorneys involved.”
Ashley released a deep sigh. “Do you think it would come to that?”
“I don’t know what to think anymore. I’ll talk with Renee and we’ll see.”