“I need to talk with you, Renee.” Devon swallowed his apprehension, trying to maintain calm in his voice. He knew she would balk if he came on too strong.
“Talk about what?” His mild manner didn’t alleviate her uptight attitude.
“Kaylee.”
“What about her?”
He wished they could talk in person, but he couldn’t in front of Kaylee. Words were lost for a moment until he got a second wind. “Since her mother is hospitalized, I’ve decided to—”
“Gina’s here, Devon. Would you like to speak to her?”
Air left his lungs. Now what? His argument failed, and yet her presence didn’t change his mind. “Yes, if she’s there.”
He heard the telephone receiver hit something hard and Renee’s voice ebbing away from the phone. Moments passed while he clung to his cell phone and reorganized his thoughts.
“Devon.” Gina’s voice sound feeble, no energy, no momentum. Dead.
Steadying himself, he grasped his determination. “How are you?”
“Okay.”
“When were you released?”
She sighed. “I’m sorry you learned about that. It was unfortunate.”
“Why is it unfortunate?” Tension knitted his body.
“You worry about things.”
“Your absence affects Kaylee’s life, Gina, not mine. I should know when things aren’t going well for you.”
“You can’t do anything.” Her tone heightened.
“But I can. I think Kaylee should live here with me until you’re up and about. Renee shouldn’t be the one raising our daughter. Not when she has a father who’s willing to care for her.”
“How, when you work the hours you do?” She ran out of breath. “Renee loves Kaylee, and—”
“I love her, Gina, and she loves me. She wants to—”
“No.”
He pulled back the phone and peered at it. “You can’t say no and think that will end it.”
“But I did. No. She’s staying here.”
He bit the edge of his lip, holding back the frustration that raged inside him. How could she expect him to accept her no? He didn’t want to drag her to court, and he knew mothers always were favored over fathers, but... His jaw tightened. “Can I reason with you? Let’s make the move temporary until you’re ready to be a mother to her, when you can—”
“I am her mother. I’m not listening to another word.”
The clang of the receiver resounded in his ear and the hum of silence. He lowered his cell phone, hit the end button, and slipped it in his pocket as he crumpled against the chair back. What now?
What would convince her? Or would nothing result in an amicable change of custody? No matter what he did, Kaylee would be in the middle, and he never wanted to put her in that position. Her feelings outweighed winning a battle, but he wanted the best for her, too.
But what was best?
The sermon he’d heard the day before slipped into his mind. He couldn’t battle this alone and the pastor had reminded the congregation that all they need do is give their problems to God and wait for His answer. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.
So simple. Yet could he do it? He lowered his face in his hands and prayed.
* * *
Hearing the disappointment in Devon’s voice, Ashley drew back. “Renee said no?” His shadowed jaw gave him a worn-out appearance instead of the rugged one she loved to see. He looked crestfallen.
“It wasn’t Renee. Gina’s out of the hospital.”
The bottom fell from Ashley’s stomach. “I’m so sorry it happened like this.” She moved her crutches out of the way and sat on the sofa as she patted the seat beside her.
He propped the crutches to the side and sank into the cushion. “I can fight her. It’s not that. But I know a fight puts Kaylee in the middle. Her mother fighting for her on one side and her dad on the other. Where does that leave her but pulled from one to the other? I can’t do it.” He lowered his face into his hands.
She rested her palm against his back, longing to hold him in her arms, but she’d promised herself to be more aware of her actions that encouraged romance. She couldn’t guarantee anything. She had to know where she stood. What did she want? She didn’t want to mislead Devon. But she didn’t want to set herself up for failure. She wanted to be open to options besides the negative ones embedded in her mind.
Devon lifted his head and looked at her.
Acting on instinct, Ashley slipped Devon’s hand into hers. “We both need to silence our fears and open ourselves to creative options. Open ourselves to the Lord’s will.”
He weaved his fingers through hers. “I know. I keep thinking of the message in church. Hope. Trust. Faith. Sometimes I can’t find them. I know they’re there, but—”
“But we bury them under black thoughts. The buts and ifs of our lives are our undoing, Devon. I realize that now. When I said to you maybe head and heart can work together, I faced my actions and thoughts. Instead of saying never, we can say, it’s possible.” She lifted her free hand and cupped his jaw, feeling a hint of bristles beneath his morning shave. “Do you understand what I mean?”
He gave a nod as he shifted his hand beneath hers and kissed her fingers. “I do, and I agree with you. It’s too easy to be negative. Gina is home now, but Renee hinted that hospitalization will happen again. I assume it happened before except that was kept from me, too.”
She lowered her hand, her heart ready to burst from her chest. “And then you can act.”
“I don’t wish Gina harm, but she’s struggled now for years. Maybe years before she left me, and she kept that from me. It would be easy to do with my erratic work schedule. Now that I think of it, this was a possibility. It could easily be why she wanted to live with her sister. Renee knew what was going on—things I didn’t know—and she wanted to safeguard Kaylee from those moments when she had little control over her emotions. That explains so much.”
“I’m glad you’ve sorted it out. It clears up some questions I’m sure you’ve had these past years.” She imagined where her mind would have gone if Adam had hidden problems from her. She would have blamed herself.
“I did. I faulted myself for not having what she needed, not being a good husband because of my work. The possibility that her illness drove her to Renee’s, and not my faults or flaws, lifts a burden from my shoulders. It changes a lot of things.”
“Focuses your perspective.”
He nodded, his eyes glazed with thought. “I have a lot to rethink.”
And so did she.
* * *
“When’s your appointment?” Devon watched Ashley’s smile broaden.
“This Wednesday and—could I hear a drumroll?—the surgeon said I might get my walking cast then.” She lifted her arms and shook imaginary pom-poms.
“Congratulations.” He reached over and gave her a high five. “But don’t be disappointed if it doesn’t happen. He said you might.” He settled into the easy chair.
A playful scowl slipped to her face. “Don’t ruin my moment. I’m confident that it will happen.”
He tilted his head, wanting to tell her he hated to say I told you so if it didn’t happen. “I’ll hope along with you. How’s that?”
“Good.” She leaned back in her chair. “My appointment is on July 3, so you know what that means?”
“Hmm... Let me see. Could it be the Fourth of July?” He sent her a playful grin, happy she’d introduced the subject. “I’m off, and I’ll have Kaylee. How about a picnic to celebrate? Maybe even some fireworks later.”
She pointed to the cast. “Only if...” She shrugged. “Walking through a park on crutches wouldn’t be—”
“A park isn’t the only place for a picnic. You’ve never been to my house, have you?”
Her eyes widened. “No, but I’ve always admired it from the street.”
“Then my yard would work fine. Different for you and Joey, and convenient for both of us.”
“And fireworks?” She arched a brow.
Happy she’d asked, he gave her a wink. “We can see the fireworks at Rackham Golf Course from my upstairs balcony. Comfortable seats and no crowd.”
“You’ve thought of everything.” She rubbed her hand along the top of her cast. “And if this thing is off, I’ll be the best company you’ve ever had.”
“You are anyway.” When he saw a flush rise to her cheeks, his pulse skipped. She did care about him, but he longed for more. He sensed she felt the pull of attraction when they were together, but she fought it. Hiding her emotions hadn’t worked. He read it in her face, and he wished he understood what she wanted to avoid when it came to falling in love.
She brushed at her cheek as if the flush were stray hairs. “If I have a walking cast, I can make it down the aisle at Neely’s wedding without crutches.”
The time had flown since he’d met Ashley. Sometimes it seemed like yesterday, and other times, he felt as if he’d known her forever. “Maybe you can dance at her wedding.”
“I’m not sure about dancing. Walking will be enough for me.” She grinned, and as her grin faded, she lowered her head. “Can you arrange a specific day off from work? I know your schedule is different from most people’s.”
“Usually.” His pulse skipped as he anticipated her invitation. “What day in particular?”
“You know I’m asking you to be my escort for the wedding. It’s August 3.”
“I’d be honored to be your escort. I’ll put in for the day.” He sent her a wink. “Maybe even two.”
She was about to respond, but the side door opened, and Joey’s voice sailed from the kitchen. He whipped around the corner, and his eyes widened. “Devon.”
He chuckled, hearing the boy pronounce his name correctly. He opened his arms, and Joey bounded toward him. Snatching him up, Devon twirled him around and set him down by Ashley.
“There’s my boy.” She wrapped him in a bear hug. “Did you and Grandpa have fun?”
Neely came through the archway and grinned. “I brought you a container of soup. I made it for Dad, and I think I have enough for a battalion.” She grinned at Devon. “How’s it going?”
He gave her a thumbs-up.
“Dad and Joey had a great time. The park had clowns, a guy making balloon animals, face painters, although you’ll notice your son doesn’t have one.”
“Why not?” Ashley gazed at Joey. “You didn’t want—”
He shook his head as if dislodging a bee. “For girls.”
A laugh burst from Devon. “Typical boy.” He recalled his own feelings as a kid. He’d been shocked when one day girls looked different to him. Much different.
Ashley and Neely covered their mouths to avoid laughing.
Ashley motioned toward the sofa. “Neely, why don’t you sit.”
“I can’t stay, but I wanted to tell you I got a phone call from Paula and she said—”
“Paula who?”
“Our cousin.” Neely rolled her eyes.
Ashley sighed. “Who else? We haven’t heard from her in a long time.”
“She called about her mother. Aunt Florence isn’t doing well.” Neely sank onto the sofa. “She and Paula didn’t get along remember? That’s why Paula moved out years ago, but now she’s back caring for her.”
Ashley shook her head. “Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?”
Neely gave a nod. “Paula’s call made me think about Mom’s critical ways. Aunt Florence and Mom were sisters. Something rubbed off on both of them.”
Uncomfortable listening to their family talk, Devon rose and moved to where Joey had dug out his toy schoolhouse and playground. Not wanting to eavesdrop, he joined Joey and put the desks into the school while Joey created a playground with the swing and slide.
Devon had been curious about their mother. Ashley didn’t say much about her except her mother had died. Maybe Ashley’s avoidance of relationships had something to do with her relationship with her mother. Far-fetched, but it helped having something concrete to ease his confusion.
Neely pulled keys from her pocket. “I need to go.” She rose and took a step toward Joey. “Bye, sweetie.” She gave a little wave and then faced Devon. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to take over the conversation.”
He waved her words away. “You had family business. You’ll notice I’ve got important work here.” He held up one of the plastic children and set it behind the toy desk.
Neely grinned, offered another goodbye wave and headed toward the side door.
When the side door closed, he rose from the floor, since Joey was entertaining himself, and shifted closer to Ashley. “Does this mean a visit to your aunt?”
She shook her head. “Paula suggested we wait, but I don’t know. The question is, wait for what?”
Understanding her innuendo, he shook his head. “You should do what you think is right.”
Her thoughtful expression ebbed. “We’ll see.”
Finding a way to lead the conversation into Ashley’s relationship with her mother seemed pointless. He could see she’d dismissed that conversation. He slipped into the easy chair. “How will you get to your appointment Wednesday?”
“Neely’s taking me. She’ll go into work late.”
“I’m off on Wednesday. I’d be happy—”
“You do enough for me, Devon. I’ve made plans with Neely.”
Ashley’s abrupt response threw him. Either she was irritated or distracted, but he didn’t like the feeling and he stood. “I have lots to do today, so I’ll be on my way.” He raised his hand in a half wave and made his way to the door. As he closed it, he caught a glimpse of surprise on her face. He suspected it matched his own surprise.
* * *
Sitting in Devon’s backyard, Ashley had tried to find a moment to apologize for her sharp retort when she’d last seen him. She owed him that. She’d hurt him. He’d stayed away for a few days, and though she knew part of his absence meant he was working, she’d also noticed his car in and out of his driveway a couple of times. She hadn’t deciphered why she’d spoken as she had to him, although she suspected the reason. Devon had gotten into her bloodstream, and he had almost become the air she breathed.
The pastor’s message the Sunday Devon had attended hung in her thoughts. She’d allowed her worries to cover the hope she’d felt that day. Even the choir’s anthem had become her prayer. I need Thee, oh, I need Thee. Yet she didn’t hear if the Lord spoke to her or not. Instead, she listened to her own negativity.
But Devon had called the evening of her appointment to see about her cast. When she heard his voice, her heart sang, and she told him the good news. She had a walking cast, and though she still had to be careful and keep the crutches handy, she had taken her first careful step, balancing her body against the weight of her left leg.
Joey’s giggle followed Kaylee’s, and Ashley lifted her head from her musing to see what was funny. A butterfly had rested on a flower Kaylee had picked from the garden to fill a small vase Devon had given her. With their exuberance, it flitted away.
Freedom. What would it be like to fly away from danger at will? To sense when to stay and when to go? She thought she had that sense, that wisdom, but she’d been wrong. Since meeting Devon, she could not measure her own judgment. What made her feel whole tore her apart. It was senseless.
The screen door banged, and she turned, seeing Devon come from the house carrying a plate of burgers covered in plastic wrap. He checked the grill and set the plate on the table before heading her way. “Need a refill?”
She eyed her iced tea and shook her head. “I’m fine.” No, the tea was fine. She was a mess.
“Good.” He slipped into the nearby chair. “We haven’t really had private time to talk.” He made a subtle motion toward the children. “I’m letting things slide for now. I want to give Gina time to cool down and think about the offer. I hope she’ll reconsider.”
His positive attitude made her envy him. “You still think she’ll come around.”
He gave her a one-shoulder shrug. “Notice I said hope.” He leaned closer. “Remember the Bible verse that Sunday? Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. I memorized it.” He pressed his shoulders against the canvas chair back. “Sometimes I wonder how I’ve gotten by without those words.”
She lowered her eyes as shame knotted in her chest. She’d been the strong Christian. Devon hadn’t been as much. So what happened? She forced her head upward. “I’m glad the message gave you hope...and trust.” Then a confession spiraled to her throat. “I wish I could cling to those words as well as you do.”
A look of surprise registered on his face, then faded as quickly. “Why can’t it, Ashley?”
“I wish I knew. I take one negative moment in my life and use it as my life pattern.” Her example surged through her. “It’s almost as if I see it as my goal rather than a lesson to help my life be better.” She pressed her hand to her chest, fearing her heart would break through. “I don’t know why I’m telling you this.”
“Because I want to know about you. Can’t you see that? Friends share their hearts. You have a difficult time doing that.”
“I wasn’t allowed to when I was growing up. I kept my hurts and comments to myself. It was safer.”
His expression darkened. “Is this about your mother?” He shook his head. “I probably shouldn’t have asked, but I heard a little of what you and Neely talked about the last time I was there.”
“I felt badly about that.” She leaned closer and touched his hand, knowing she had to be open. “I guessed you wanted to know more, and I couldn’t talk about it then. I feel guilty that I have negative feelings about my mother, and I took it out on you.” Her throat tightened with emotion as unwanted tears blurred her vision. “I’m sorry. I am so very sorry.”
His hands wrapped around hers. “I knew you were upset. I wasn’t sure why, and I thought it was because of me. I thought I’d done something to anger you. I worry about being presumptuous. I’ve told you that.” His fingers brushed the top of her hand, soothing her mind.
“Devon, do you see that you’re holding something, too? You spent your life since marriage believing you couldn’t meet Gina’s needs, and it wasn’t you at all.”
His fingers weaved through hers. “I guess we’re both dealing with baggage we don’t need anymore.”
She pressed her free hand over his. “You’re right. Let’s work on that.”
For the first time that day, they smiled.
He glanced toward the barbecue. “I’d better get those burgers cooked before we hear complaints from the flower children.”
She turned her head and laughed again. Joey and Kaylee had used the flowers they’d picked to decorate their hair. They reminded her of the flower children she’d seen in photos from the seventies.
Joey ran toward her, his arms opened and flailing up and down. “I’m a butterfly, Mama.”
“You are. You’re my butterfly.” And one day she prayed she could be one, too. Free of her fears. Her gaze drifted to Devon, the kind of man any woman could love.