“Kellie, you know I don’t allow men in your room.” The frown on her landlady’s face couldn’t be deeper.
“I know, Mrs. Wheeler, but this is my brother from out of state. He’ll only be here one night.”
Mrs. Wheeler’s gaze narrowed.
The resemblance was there if she’d only look. They had the same face, although Karl’s looked more worn. Kellie waited, hoping her brother kept his mouth shut while he stood antsy behind her.
“One night. That’s it.” Mrs. Wheeler held out her hand toward her brother. “What did you say your name was?”
He stepped forward wearing his charming, fake smile. The one that made promises he’d never keep. “Karl Cavanaugh, ma’am. And thank you for letting me stay.”
“Well, I’m a widow alone. You understand.”
Kellie wanted to roll her eyes. Mrs. Wheeler, though old, was no weakling. Still, Kellie would protect her as best she could.
Karl’s smile broadened. “Of course. And like Kellie said, only one night. I’ll find a place of my own tomorrow.”
Kellie glanced at him quickly. Was he planning to stay in the area? How was that going to work with Dorrie and the girls? Too many questions and not enough answers. Like why didn’t her parents give her or Dorrie a heads-up? Why did they always do what Karl asked of them?
With a tired sigh, Kellie led the way. “Come on, I’ll show you my room.”
Karl swung his backpack over his shoulder and followed after giving Mrs. Wheeler a friendly nod.
As they made their way up the back stairs, Karl whistled. “This lady’s loaded. How’d you fall into such a sweet setup?”
Kellie ignored the sudden icky feeling that she was somehow taking advantage by living here. “From the church I used to attend. Mrs. Wheeler is pretty independent, but she likes having someone here at night. I rent a room, and that’s way less than an apartment.”
“Convenient,” Karl muttered.
True, for both of them. So, why’d he have to make her feel slimy about it? Kellie unlocked her door and opened it wide to the decent-sized room she called home. “Make yourself comfortable. You can have the bed or the futon, take your pick.”
“Futon’s fine.”
Kellie headed for the small fridge. “Hungry?”
“Sure, whatever.” Karl slipped out of his jacket and plopped onto the futon with a soft groan. Reaching for the remote to her tiny TV, he clicked it on and thumbed through channels. “Nice, you’ve got cable.”
A nice extra from Mrs. Wheeler. Not that Kellie watched much TV. She’d been busy making something of herself. She glanced at her brother with her mind in a whirl but held her tongue as she made a couple of turkey sandwiches. She handed a plate to Karl along with a can of diet pop. When he frowned, she bristled. “Would you rather have water?”
“No. This is fine. What happened to your hand?”
“I cut it. Not a big deal.” Although it throbbed a little. So did her heart at the memory of Ryan’s kiss. He’d made her feel cherished and worth something. She cleared those cloying thoughts out of her mind and sat on the floor, crossing her legs under the coffee table. “Why are you here?”
Karl shrugged. “I want to see my kids.”
“They have names. Hannah and Gracie. And Dorrie might not allow it.”
He looked annoyed. “I know.”
Kellie tipped her head. “Then why didn’t you call her? Or me?”
Karl reached inside his pocket and pulled out a coin. A symbol of program completion used in a lot of treatment centers. He spun it on the tabletop and they both watched it wobble and then settle next to her paper plate.
“What’s that?” Kellie played dumb. She wanted Karl to tell her that he’d graduated from rehab. For all she knew he could have stolen it.
“You know what it is. Mom and Dad told me you’re interning at a treatment center.”
“An outpatient center,” she corrected. At least their parents had paid attention to what she’d told them she was doing.
“Whatever.”
“Did you finish?”
He grabbed his sandwich. “I spent four months there.”
“Are you clean?” Kellie couldn’t tell if he was using. He didn’t look like he was under any influence other than maybe lack of a good night’s sleep.
“Yeah.” Karl took a bite of the sandwich and then leaned back as if too tired to chew. He looked her square in the eyes. “I really messed up my life, Kel.”
That was an understatement. He’d messed up more than only his life. Dorrie’s, the girls’, their parents’, hers. Still, she managed a smile. “You think?”
He laughed then, but it came out bitter and twisted. Not the carefree sound she’d remembered growing up. “Thanks for letting me stay here.”
“Where are you going to go tomorrow?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“Do you have a sponsor?” Kellie asked.
He shook his head.
Kellie knew how important it was for someone who’d completed treatment to have a support system to lean on, someone to talk to when temptation kicked in. “I’ll get you set up.”
Karl yawned. “Thanks.”
She scrambled to her feet, half her sandwich untouched. “I’ll get you a blanket, too. The bathroom’s right through that door. Feel free to stretch out and fall asleep if you want. I’ve got some reading to do and then I’m turning in early.”
He nodded. “Kellie?”
She turned. “Yeah?”
“What’s with you and that big guy?”
Kellie briefly closed her eyes and her heart took a tumble. The feel of Ryan’s mouth on hers wasn’t something she’d soon forget. Setting her paper plate by the sink, she looked at her arms. She still wore Ryan’s shirt and it hung on her, even though she’d rolled up the sleeves. “Ryan’s a friend.”
“Yours or Dorrie’s?”
Kellie didn’t mistake the edge to her brother’s voice when he mentioned his ex-wife. Maybe it would be best to leave Karl in the dark about that one. “Does it matter?”
He let out a defeated-sounding sigh. “No. I guess not.”
* * *
Ryan tossed pebbles at Kellie’s window. A small light shone from the darkened room with two long windows nestled over the garage. That soft glow told him she was still up.
After a few seconds, Kellie lifted the window and gestured that she’d be right down then closed it again with a soft click.
He looked up at the sky. Clouds played peekaboo with a waning moon and his breath billowed like white smoke in front of him. It was cold enough for frost, and he felt chilled all the way through wearing only a light jacket without his heavy flannel shirt. But he had to know that Kellie was okay before he called it a night. Before he took the hot shower his muscles begged for and hit the sack.
“Hey.” Kellie, dressed in plaid flannel pajamas underneath a knee-length coat, walked toward him with her hair loose. “Here’s your shirt.”
More than anything, he wanted to take her in his arms, but he knew better. “Here’s your jacket.”
“Thanks.”
He drank in the sight of her. That gorgeous hair finally loose and wild. The delicate freckles that dusted her nose and cheeks, the pretty eyes that looked dark in the weakening moonlight. Her red-rimmed nose announced either an oncoming cold or tears. He didn’t like the thought of either. “You okay?”
She cleared her throat, making him wonder how well she was keeping it together. “Fine.”
He stepped toward her and picked up a curl that lay across her shoulder. He twirled it around his finger for a couple of seconds, marveling at how it twisted and held like a corkscrew when he let go. Her hair was soft and yet strong. A lot like her. “So, what’s the deal with your brother?”
“You didn’t say anything to Dorrie, did you?”
He shook his head. “How long is he here for?”
Kellie shrugged. “I don’t know. He says he’s completed treatment and wants to see the girls. I think he’s sincere.”
Ryan looked at the quiet house where Kellie lived. “Is he staying with you then?”
“Just for tonight. Mrs. Wheeler wasn’t too happy about it either. Tomorrow, Karl will have to figure out someplace else.”
Ryan took in her worried expression. And then what? Would he bother Dorrie? Despite the fancy car the guy drove, Ryan doubted Karl had any money. He’d have already booked a motel room if he had. Ryan didn’t want this guy bumming money off Kellie, either—money she couldn’t afford to part with. He knew she’d give it to him, and he couldn’t allow that to happen. Not when he didn’t trust Karl’s intentions.
“Maybe he can stay with me. Until he finds something.”
Kellie’s eyes grew wide. “What? You don’t have to do that. Karl’s my concern.”
He smiled and picked up that curl again. “What concerns you, concerns me, too.”
She shook her head, causing the curl to pull away from his grasp. “I don’t know...”
“Let me do this.” He wanted to keep an eye on the guy. If Karl was serious about recovery, maybe he could help him somehow. But if Karl wasn’t serious, Ryan wanted to know that, too. Besides, his house was empty.
Kellie’s smile teased. “This might be another conflict of interest, you know.”
“Oh, I think we smashed the ethics code pretty good tonight.”
“You’re not kidding.” Then her eyes grew wide and worried. “Look, Ryan—”
He laid a finger against her lips. “Don’t. I know it wasn’t the wisest thing to do, but I’m not sorry, Kel. After I get through with group, let’s explore what’s going on between us. I’ll wait as long as I have to.”
Her expression softened, but the tempest in her gaze hadn’t lessened.
He ran his thumb along the fullness of her lower lip. “I don’t want to discuss all the reasons why we shouldn’t. Can’t we think about why we should? Eventually?”
“I don’t know, maybe.” She stepped back, out of reach and in control. “I’ll let Karl know about your housing offer.”
Ryan gave her his business card that had both his cell phone and work number on it. “If you need me, call.”
“I will.”
He hesitated to leave. Right now, Kellie had enough to deal with. She didn’t need him pushing barriers or breaking down what had happened between them. It wasn’t exactly a simple kiss. Not for him, it wasn’t. “Good night, Kellie.”
She looked relieved. “Good night, Ryan.”
Glad he’d made the right call by leaving, Ryan walked down her landlady’s driveway toward the road where he’d parked his truck. More tired than usual, he brought his shirt to his nose and inhaled. The fabric smelled like her—soft and feminine. A wisp of scent that remained out of reach; that was pure Kellie. He wanted to catch her and keep her safe.
* * *
The following afternoon, Ryan whistled softly while he took his seat at group.
Jess, the young woman with tattoos, gave him a big grin. “Wow. Someone’s in a good mood. What happened to you?”
Ryan laughed when he realized what song he’d been whistling. The same tune had been playing in the lobby of LightHouse Center when he walked in and the title sure fit.
He wiggled his eyebrows. “I kissed a girl and I liked it.”
Jess’s pierced eyebrows arched in surprise. “Whoa, really? Well good for you.”
Reality hit. Was it good for him? He couldn’t even ask Kellie out. And tonight her brother was coming to stay with him. More complications. “We’ll see.”
Jess narrowed her gaze and then cocked her head to the side. “You’re really into this chick, aren’t you?”
Ryan could easily picture Kellie bristling like a porcupine at being called a chick. He suspected a lot of her feistiness covered vulnerability and fear. Was her reluctance with him really about her internship or was she afraid to let herself have feelings for him, because of her past? Seeing what addiction had done to her brother must be part of her hesitation. And he’d admitted his struggle with alcohol when they’d canoed. That couldn’t have helped his case.
He sighed. “Yeah, I am.”
Jess gave him a wistful smile. “She’s a fortunate girl.”
“I hope so.” Ryan knew where they were headed, but before pressing Kellie for more, he needed to be whole.
He was getting there. Group meetings made sense. Fighting the temptation to fixate on his guilt and numb the painful memories of the accident was something he still battled. A battle he’d tried to surrender to God.
Bottom line, his drinking days were done, now that he understood where it would take him if he continued. He didn’t want to go there. He didn’t want to become that guy.
And Kellie deserved more than jagged pieces of his heart glued back together. Could he let go of Sara’s memory? He had to if he wanted to make any kind of solid future with Kellie.
Whoa! He’d jumped way ahead of himself. Kellie wasn’t exactly an open book when it came to how she felt about him. Reliving that kiss in his mind, Ryan had an idea, but would she let go of all her reservations and give them a chance?
Ryan settled in his seat with another sigh. When he looked up, he stared directly into the face of John, his group leader and Kellie’s boss.
“Ryan.” John gave him a nod.
With a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, Ryan knew he’d heard everything. Would John put two and two together? Probably. Had he just blown it for Kellie’s internship? He hoped not.
They made the rounds in group, getting caught up from last week. Each person shared as needed. Ryan kept quiet, but his mind churned.
“Ryan, anything you’d like to add?” John’s voice sliced through his brain.
“Not today, no. I’m holding my own out there.” Ryan couldn’t relax. Couldn’t really focus either. He kept thinking about Kellie and what he might have accidentally done.
By the time group had finished, Ryan hung back and waited. He wanted to clarify a few things with John Thompson one-on-one. With a deep breath he approached the group leader. “You got a minute?”
John didn’t look surprised by his request. “Sure. Let’s go to my office.”
Ryan followed and then slipped into a cushioned chair in front of John’s desk.
“What’s on your mind?”
Ryan got straight to the point. “You probably heard what I told Jess.”
“I did.” John waited.
Ryan wiped his hands on his thighs. “And you probably know who I was talking about.”
“That’s up to you to tell me, but be careful there.” John peeked over the rims of his glasses. “I really don’t want to hear a name.”
Ryan got the point. John wasn’t going to come down on Kellie if he didn’t have to. And that was good. A huge relief even, but Ryan couldn’t leave. Not yet. “I care about her, John. Seriously care.”
John narrowed his gaze. “You’re vulnerable right now. You could be transferring feelings you’re trying to deal with, trying to get closure from.”
Ryan nodded. He’d thought about that, but kissing Kellie was different. She wasn’t like Sara. “I know I have to back off and finish group. Finish my master plan here. But you need to know that nothing inappropriate took place. I kissed her and that was it.”
“Less than that crosses the ethical line.” John’s frown was deep.
Ethics. Ryan snorted. That list of professional dos and don’ts stood in the way of something beautiful that was happening between him and Kellie. Something strong and lasting. Something that might have the power to heal them both.
Ryan needed to be patient, but he also needed to be honest with the man who’d stamp his master plan complete. Giving John a grin, Ryan figured he might as well spill everything. “Well, you’re really going to love this one. I’ve offered for her brother to stay with me. He’s in recovery. Or claims to be.”
John muttered. “You’re really walking the tightrope here.”
“I know. Got any advice on dealing with this guy?”
“Lay some ground rules, be honest and be careful. And don’t be afraid to call me if you get in a jam.”
Ryan stood and offered John his hand. “Thanks. I appreciate you hearing me out.”
John took it with a firm shake. “Remember, you’re working through your own recovery. More from grief, than a substance, but you could easily fall into relying on that substance to cope. Don’t blow it.”
“Got it.” Ryan nodded.
He had no intention of blowing this opportunity to keep Kellie safe. And while Ryan was at it, he’d keep her safe from himself, too. Romance had to wait. For now.
* * *
Kellie took a deep breath and dialed Ryan’s phone number. He’d have her cell number now. A necessity if something happened with Karl. Tossing pebbles at her window wouldn’t cut it in an emergency.
“This is Ryan.” His deep voice sounded warm and caring, like a man she could depend on. Trust even.
Clearing her throat, she responded. “Ryan, this is Kellie.”
“Hey.” That silken voice of his dipped lower, sounding softer. His lips probably curled into that sweet smile of his, too.
Think.
“When would you like me to bring Karl over? I mean, if you’re still serious about housing him.” Could she sound more lame? Karl was her brother, not some stray dog.
He chuckled. “Yes, I’m serious. Why don’t you guys come for dinner and we can go over stuff.”
Panic ripped through her. “Stuff?”
“House rules, timeline, that sort of thing.”
Karl. This was about Karl. “Oh, okay. What about work at Dorrie’s?”
“I called Jeff this morning to let him know I couldn’t be there tonight, so he’s going. He needs to take an inventory of what’s left to do and what’s needed to get it done.”
“Great, thanks for that.” Ryan was not only dependable but thoughtful, too. Because of Karl, Dorrie didn’t expect her tonight either. Because of Ryan’s call to Jeff, the builder who oversaw the project, work would still get done. They were covered.
“How’s your hand? Did you get it checked out?”
“Not yet. But it’s fine. It’s healing nicely.” She gathered her thoughts back to what she’d agreed to. Ryan’s place for dinner. Together. With her brother. “What time and what can I bring?”
“Give me half an hour. I’m almost home. And not a thing. I’ve got this.”
Kellie closed her eyes. She really hoped this didn’t blow up in her face. “We’ll be there. Thanks.”
“No problem. And Kel?”
Her heart did a little flip. “Yeah?”
“Did you tell Dorrie?”
“She didn’t take the news well, but Dorrie’s willing to let Karl see the girls only if he doesn’t tell them who he is.”
Ryan blew out his breath with a slow whoosh. “How’s that going to work?”
“We’re going to make him volunteer on the house.”
Ryan chuckled. “Good call.”
Kellie wasn’t sure she agreed with Dorrie on this one, but she’d abide by her sister-in-law’s wishes. Karl had walked out on his family when Hannah was only a year old. He’d come back a couple of times but never stayed long, and Gracie was the result of Dorrie’s last attempt to make something work. The girls had never known their dad, and Dorrie wanted to keep it that way.
“I guess so. See you in a few.” After Kellie ended the call with Ryan, she glanced at her watch. Where was Karl?
This morning, she’d left him asleep on the futon in order to grab more than cereal for breakfast. She’d called out from Beth’s school with a personal matter excuse because she really couldn’t leave her brother on his own all day at Mrs. Wheeler’s.
This afternoon, Karl had gone into town to look around. Kellie made use of her brother’s absence and called Ginny for a list of possible sponsors she could give him. She’d prepare for her brother sticking around even though he had a pattern of bolting. He didn’t let anyone get close, either.
Fingering the treatment program completion coin Karl had left on her coffee table, Kellie prayed her brother would see his recovery through. He seemed different this time. Maybe he’d finally hit rock bottom and was ready to get serious about changing his life.
At the sound of a car pulling in, Kellie looked out the window to the driveway below. Karl was back in the nick of time. She raced down to meet him and tell him about their dinner plans. But by the time they pulled into Ryan’s driveway and parked, Kellie hoped they weren’t late. It was cold, and Kellie pulled the collar of her coat close when she got out of the car.
“Nice place,” Karl said.
“Yeah.” Kellie glanced at the single story cottage with a huge back deck and a perfect view of the lake. The property was neat and tidy and obviously well cared for.
Ryan’s canoe had been put up under the rafters of a roof overhang from a huge storage shed. Stacks of firewood were nestled between the poles. A large fire pit had been constructed halfway to the water’s edge. A lonely rustic chair sat empty but looked well-worn. How often did Ryan sit out here watching the dying embers of a fire, alone?
“You coming?” Karl had gone to the door while she gawked.
Kellie caught up and knocked on the door.
“Come in.” Ryan opened it wide. The fragrant smell of roasted meat and warmth from a crackling fire in a huge stone hearth drew them inside. “I hope you like pot roast.”
“When did you make that?” Kellie’s jaw dropped.
“Crock-Pot.” He gave her a wink and then took their coats. “Make yourselves at home. I’ve got a couple of things to do yet.”
“Need help?” Kellie asked.
“Nope. Karl, you can put your stuff in the red bedroom.”
“Thanks, man. I appreciate this.”
“No problem.” Ryan words might be light, but his eyes looked grave. This was serious, and he did it for her.
Kellie gave Ryan a grateful nod and then followed her brother with his backpack and one duffel bag and gawked even more.
Ryan’s home wasn’t big, but he’d made the most of the space. He’d kept things simple and clean with hardwood floors and wooly area rugs. The overstuffed plaid furniture gave it a casual feel, but the richly colored walls of red and coffee were a surprise for a bachelor’s home.
Curious, she peeked into the other bedroom. His. There was a big bed sporting a navy quilt, a bedside table with a lamp and a clock and that was about it. No picture frames anywhere. No artwork. The only thing hanging on the wall was a flat-screen TV. Where were pictures of his dead fiancée?
The other rooms were pretty bare when it came to knickknacks as well. Maybe he wasn’t finished with his upgrades. The work looked freshly completed.
Kellie wound her way back to the open kitchen, living and dining room combination. “You did all this?”
Ryan shrugged as he placed the steaming Crock-Pot on the table. “Yeah. Everything was pretty ancient when I bought this place, but the structure was solid. I think we’re ready to eat.”
Over dinner, Ryan laid out his house rules for Karl. Pretty simple really—no drugs, no alcohol and no lies. It wasn’t the most comfortable meal, but she held her tongue while the guys hashed out a rooming plan.
Listening to them was like watching a couple of gamecocks circle each other, looking for weaknesses. By the time dinner was over, Kellie wasn’t sure if this would work, but Karl had few options and Ryan was adamant to give it a try. Besides, it was only temporary—until Karl found a job and someplace else to live.
Kellie dried her hands on a dish towel. She’d cleaned up while Ryan showed Karl the ropes with the multimedia options on the TV and then the damper on the fireplace.
Maybe she should let the two men get used to each other. “Well, I guess I’ll call it a night. Thanks for everything, Ryan.”
“You’re welcome to hang out.”
She shook her head but stepped close to the warmth of a real wood-burning hearth. Tempting thought. Before turning to grab her coat, Kellie noticed a couple of picture frames tucked away on shelves built into the walls on either side of the stone chimney.
One of the photos was an old family portrait. She quickly recognized Ryan’s parents and brother and a young girl who must be Ryan’s sister. Her stomach tightened at the sight of the next picture.
It was a fairly recent one of Ryan with a giant smile holding up a young woman’s hand that sported a good-sized diamond on her ring finger. Kellie stared into the laughing dark eyes of Ryan’s fiancée. She resembled her sister, Hope, but her features were not quite as fine nor did she wear any makeup. Sara looked full of life. Warm and pretty in a natural, outdoorsy sort of way.
“That’s Sara.” Ryan stood close behind her.
“Yeah.” They both looked so happy and deeply in love. Kellie’s throat felt dry and tight. “Surely this isn’t the only picture you have of her?”
“It’s the only one I have out.”
Kellie turned to face him. “Why?”
He shrugged. “Too hard to look at them.”
It was still hard. She could see it in his eyes. He wasn’t over her at all.
“I’ll walk you out.”
Kellie nodded. Grabbing her coat, she said good-night to her brother and then followed Ryan outside to the deck. She’d walk home; it wasn’t far. Tiny snowflakes fell but disappeared when they hit the ground, crinkling the dry leaves that lay everywhere.
“November came in with a vengeance. Man, it’s cold.” Ryan shoved his hands in his jean pockets.
“Why didn’t you wear a coat?”
He didn’t answer but stepped toward her. “I need to tell you something.”
Kellie held her breath, while her heart skipped erratically. “Okay.”
“I told your boss about all this.”
Kellie felt her fists clench. “All this?”
“Your brother staying with me, and, uh, that kiss.”
“What?” She opened her hands before she pounded him.
“I had to.” Ryan looked her in the eyes without remorse.
Kellie knew honesty was a huge part of group dynamics and recovery. Expecting Ryan to hide their burgeoning relationship was wrong of her. Getting involved with him was wrong, too. With all her training, she should know better. And now Karl living with him was stepping way over the line.
“I’m taking advantage of you,” she whispered.
“How?” Ryan’s brow furrowed. “I wouldn’t have offered a place for your brother if I didn’t want to do it. I wouldn’t have kissed you without wanting to, either.”
She’d wanted to kiss Ryan, too. In fact, she still wanted to. “It doesn’t make it right.”
“Says who?”
“Says everything I’ve read about it.” Thinking of all her classes, and the manual code of ethics that every counselor proudly displayed in their offices, Kellie wondered if she knew anything at all. What she felt for Ryan was real. It had nothing to do with power or control. If anything, she felt completely out of control.
“It’s okay, Kel. It’ll be okay.”
Kellie shook her head. She wasn’t so sure. But then, she’d find out when she showed up for work at LightHouse Center.