Ryan thought about what Kellie had said long after the second graders left. Group sessions were difficult for him on many levels, but mainly because he didn’t like losing control of his emotions. After that first breakdown in group, he’d kept his ears open and his mouth shut.
Maybe that’s why it was so hard to talk to his brother. The last three years, Ryan had tamped down his feelings pretty deep. Talking about it all now might be like cracking open a snake-in-a-can. His emotions could pop out and run wild and then what? Would he lose Sinclair’s respect? Would he lose his own?
He scratched his head. How could a woman he barely knew know so much about who he was? She understood him. Maybe because she had darkness in her, too. That feeling of protectiveness for her washed over him. He didn’t like knowing she’d had a painful past, one that had led her to a self-destructive habit. How’d she stop?
Ryan blew out his breath. Thinking about Kellie was becoming a habit for him. Seeing her visit the research station with a bunch of second graders made him smile. She seemed easy with kids and relaxed without a trace of her usual guardedness. Considering her own struggles, she’d picked a good field in counseling.
“Good job with the tour today.” Liz stood in the doorway of his office.
“Thanks.”
“See you tomorrow, Ryan.”
“Yeah.” He nodded, cleaned off his desk and grabbed his jacket. He had a long night of work yet ahead, but he didn’t mind. Working on Dorrie’s place kept him from his own empty house and brooding thoughts. Seeing Kellie was a bonus he looked forward to. Maybe a little too much.
When he pulled up to the house, he scanned the driveway for Kellie’s car but it wasn’t there. Only a few volunteers had arrived—a couple of older guys with physical limitations and a woman who couldn’t do a whole lot. He’d find some project they could work on.
They were a small group even with Dorrie and Kellie. Way too small for the looming deadline of Dorrie’s eviction. By December 1, Ryan wanted this house complete and ready for Dorrie and her girls to move into. Possible? He wasn’t sure, but he’d get as much done as he could.
Ryan heard the kitchen door open and knew it was Kellie by the sound of her rapid footsteps. His body tensed as the air around him seemed to change. Charged with new energy, he waited until she came into view and felt his jaw slacken.
“Hey.” She quickly buckled on one of the leather tool belts.
He wasn’t sure if anyone could look more attractive and feminine than Kellie in an oversized pink T-shirt and jeans with a tool belt hanging about her slim hips.
He must have let his appreciation show because her cheeks flushed and she looked anywhere but at him. “Dorrie’s going to be late. Hannah has a doctor’s appointment.”
“No problem.”
“Light group.” She opened another window letting in the warm autumn breeze.
It still felt too hot.
“What can I do?” she asked with that low voice of hers.
Ryan shifted his stance. “You think you can help me hang drywall?”
“I’ll try.”
He fished in a basket until he found a small pair of work gloves and then handed her a mask to cover her nose and mouth. “You’re going to want to wear these. It’s pretty dusty work.”
“Okay.” She slipped them on.
“Your eyes look blue today.”
One of her eyebrows hitched toward her hairline.
“Your eyes change color. I notice.” Ryan shrugged.
He noticed a lot about the pretty intern who’d complicated his life. Remembering the tiny scars that marred her smooth skin, he realized Kellie was a complicated woman in her own right. He never quite knew what she was thinking.
She looked a little flustered as she scanned the room.
“Okay, what do we do first?”
“See that stack of drywall? We’ll carry each sheet. I’ll hold it up while you drill it into place. Where there are outlets, we’ll have to make adjustments before hanging. Make sense?”
She nodded as she loaded up a pouch on her tool belt with drywall screws.
They lifted the first sheet and Ryan was surprised at Kellie’s strength. “You’re not bad for a lightweight.”
“I’m stronger than I look.”
“You’re not kidding.” There had to be a deeper meaning behind her words. Kellie wasn’t a woman to be trifled with.
That wasn’t his intent. Ryan had never been one of those on-the-prowl guys. He’d always wanted a wife and a family. With Sara that dream had been a no-brainer. But now, he just wanted to get through the day.
He jockeyed the drywall into position and held it while Kellie stooped down to pick up the drill. Breathing in drywall dust, Ryan coughed before slipping his mask over his mouth. He watched as she climbed up the stepladder to drill in the first screw. “Nice job, that looks good.”
“Thanks.” She continued down the line to complete the side.
“If you drill in a few over here, I can let go.”
Her eyes widened and she stepped closer. “Oh, sorry.”
“No biggie.” He enjoyed watching her work. The way she concentrated on a task. She wore a blue knit cap and as usual, her hair had been braided into a thick rope that swayed against her back. “Just so you know, your eyes are pretty when they’re green, too.”
She looked up and scowled. “Will you stop?”
Ryan grinned under his mask. He was only getting started. It’d been a long time since he’d wanted to flirt with anyone. And something about Kellie made him want to knock down that guarded reserve of hers.
Although they stood close, they didn’t touch, but he could feel her warmth. There was a hum of awareness between them that felt stronger than before. The connection deeper than mere attraction. They understood each other. He held on to the drywall longer than needed so he could soak it all in. Soak her in.
She cleared her throat, either from dust or something else he wasn’t sure. Maybe she was affected by that energy, too. “How was group?”
“Huh?” Like a splash of cold water, she’d reminded him of their need for distance. No doubt, she’d done that on purpose.
She held up her gloved hand. “No. Wait. You don’t have to answer that. I shouldn’t have asked. It’s none of my business.”
“Whoa—we’re friends, right?”
“Are we?” Her eyes searched his.
“I like to think so.” He wouldn’t mind being more but knew that probably wasn’t wise. Not now, anyway. “I hope so. And group is fine. I’m listening really hard.”
She drilled in another screw. “That’s a good start.”
He feigned horror. “You mean there’s more?”
She shook her head at his nonsense. “There’s application of what you hear.”
“Just like church.” He stepped back and surveyed their work. “Good enough. Let’s grab another.”
They carried the next sheet of drywall and positioned it in place.
“Speaking of church.” Kellie bit her bottom lip as she drilled in the top screw. “Where do you usually go?”
“A church in LeNaro. Although I haven’t exactly been a fixture there. Why?”
Kellie shrugged. “I wanted to go back to your brother’s congregation and wondered if you would mind.”
“I don’t mind.” He had enjoyed sitting in the pew next to her this past Sunday. He liked hearing her low voice sing songs with gusto.
“Do you not attend there because of your brother?” She drilled in another screw.
He tipped his head. “At first, maybe, but more so because that’s where Sara’s parents go.”
Kellie looked through him. “Do you think they blame you for what happened?”
She didn’t beat around the bush. Ryan knew that Sinclair had told Kellie about the tractor accident, but how much did she know about that day? How much did she know about the strained relationship he had with his brother?
He shrugged. “I don’t really know.”
Her eyes widened. “Haven’t you talked to them about it?”
“What’s to say? Oh sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Petersen, I should have told your daughter not to cut that patch of grass on the hill.”
Kellie stepped close to drill screws into his side of the drywall. “Would she have listened to you?”
He let out a sigh. He’d wrestled with that question for three years. “Sara was something of a thrill seeker, but she wasn’t defiant. Growing up, she and Sinclair would try just about anything crazy. I don’t know how many times Hope and I warned them not to do something and then ended up standing by to watch. We’d always laugh in the end. I had a bad feeling about the tractor stunt, but I didn’t say anything. If I had—” His throat tightened up. “If only I had.”
Kellie touched his arm, scattering white drywall dust on his skin. “You really should talk to them, Ryan. They go to your brother’s church and he egged Sara on. If they don’t blame Sinclair, surely they don’t blame you.”
“One of the twelve steps is making amends. Yeah, I know.” He wasn’t sure if he could complete that one.
“Are you following the steps then?” She let go to drill in the rest of the screws.
“Trying to.” He watched her concentrate on her task. He’d never shared what he’d told her with anyone before. Not even in group. Something inside his chest loosened a little. Could she be right about Sara’s parents?
“God will show you how if you let Him.”
He knew that, too. In group they called it acknowledging his Higher Power. In his heart, Ryan knew he had to give God back His residency.
“What made you decide to go into counseling?”
She bit her lip. “It’s a long story.”
He chuckled. “Yeah, well, we’ve got a lot of drywall to hang.”
She drilled in the last screw but didn’t look at him right away as if weighing her answer. “My brother’s a drug addict.”
That made sense in explaining why Dorrie’s kids didn’t seem to know their father. Why no one talked about him either. “I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, me, too.” Kellie shrugged and headed for the pile of drywall across the room.
“Is that why you’re interning at LightHouse? Do you hope to work there permanently?”
“No way.” She snorted. “I want to know how to deal with addiction, but I don’t want to surround myself with it. My master’s is in school counseling.”
“Like a guidance counselor?” He held the drywall in place.
“Exactly, but these days the position has been expanded to include more mental health and social aspects. I’m so close to finishing my master’s, I can taste it.”
“When are you done at LightHouse?” Maybe then he could ask her out and see what happened.
Kellie shrugged and drilled in the screws. “In about two weeks, I’ll complete my internship and then find out if I passed my certification test when the scores are posted online. Until then, I’m not going anywhere. My boss John, who happens to be your counselor, has recommended me to the superintendent of a Traverse City school district.”
“Sounds to me like you’ve worked too hard not to pass.” Ryan gave her a wink.
“I hope so. One of their middle school counselors resigned and I have a second interview for the position on Thursday.”
Ryan watched Kellie rein in her excitement almost as if she were afraid to feel it. She caught herself, like she’d jinx it if she got her hopes up, if she showed how much this opportunity meant to her.
“What kind of duties will you have?”
Her face lit up again. “There’s a lot of academic coaching, but also intervention if needed. Hopefully, I can catch kids before they head down the wrong road.”
“Pretty tall order.” The woman was on a personal crusade with her career choice.
She nodded. “It only takes one kid spared to be worth all the effort. A school counselor helped get me on the right track.”
“How?”
She shrugged. “She noticed my arm and called me on it.”
“And then what happened? Did you just stop?” Ryan watched her closely as she drilled in screws next to him.
“Not at first. I’ve got a few more scars, but I broke down and told her about my brother’s issues, my parents’ real estate business and all the things eating away at me.”
Ryan put his hand on the drill. “What kind of things?”
She looked up. “I got lost in the cracks of my family and I looked for love and acceptance in the wrong places. A walking cliché maybe, but the hurts were very real.”
“So how’d you stop cutting?” Had she stopped a bad habit to never pick it up again, just like that?
“My school counselor happened to be a Christian. She recommended a counselor for me to my parents. That counselor was also a Christian who helped out in a church youth group. I started going. When I realized how much God loved me, I stopped marring His creation. We are His creation, you know.”
Kellie might sound casual, but he knew better. Those had been painful years for her. Ryan had spent the last three years covering up how he felt. He hated the agony that pierced him every morning when he remembered why he woke up alone. Could God take that away? Could God make it all stop like He had for Kellie?
* * *
Kellie smoothed her skirt and took a deep breath before taking a seat outside the superintendent’s office. This was her moment and she prayed she didn’t blow it. Ryan said he’d pray for her, too.
The warm pleasure of knowing that Ryan would do as he promised, that he might even now be praying for her, morphed into trepidation. She was letting him in, letting him get too close. She’d never shared her story with a guy before, not that she’d dated much these last few years. Work and school remained her focus. But Ryan wasn’t any guy. He felt like a true friend who understood instead of looking at her like some kind of freak.
If only her feelings could remain centered in friendship. The more she got to know Ryan, the more she wanted to know, the more her thoughts turned to what-ifs? What if they dated, what if they fell in love—
“Kellie Cavanaugh?” The superintendent and a woman waited before her.
How long had she been daydreaming? Kellie quickly stood and extended her hand. “Yes. Good afternoon.”
“This is our principal, Maddie Grange. We thought we’d take a tour of the school first, so you can see how we run things.”
Kellie forced a calm reaction even though her insides were doing cartwheels. “That’d be great.”
Walking through the halls in one of the Traverse City middle schools was quite different than strolling through the little grade school in LeNaro. The kids were older, of course, but the school itself was larger and more modern, complete with high-tech computer labs. Was she ready for a professional job like this? Could she handle it?
She took a deep breath to calm her nerves. No matter how posh and intimidating this middle school might be, it was still a school that smelled like a school. That cross of scents ranging from pencil shavings, paper and damp coats to overcooked popcorn enveloped her like a reassuring hug. She could do this and, with God’s help, she’d do it well. All she had to do was get the job.
* * *
“Where was Kellie tonight?” Sinclair grabbed the edge of the last couple of sheets of drywall.
The warm, summerlike weather held but wouldn’t for long. Their weatherman had forecast the return of cold rain for the upcoming weekend. Ryan didn’t hesitate in enlisting his brother’s help to transfer the remaining stacks of drywall from the builder’s trailer into Dorrie’s house before they left for the night.
Setting down the last of the stack, Ryan straightened and stretched with a groan. “She has teen group session on Thursday nights.”
Sinclair smiled. “You know her schedule pretty well.”
Ryan shrugged. “Not quite, but I found out this week that Kellie is a teacher’s aide for Beth Ryken’s second-grade class on Tuesdays and Wednesdays.”
“Why haven’t you asked her out?”
Had his brother lost his marbles? Beth was like a second little sister. “Beth? No way.”
Sinclair chuckled. “No. Kellie.”
“I can’t.”
His brother’s eyes softened. “Mom’s right you know. It’s been a long time since Sara.”
It still felt like yesterday sometimes. “It’s not that.”
“So you’ve thought about it.”
“Oh, I’ve thought about it.” Ryan tossed his work gloves into the basket on the floor before facing his brother. “Dating Kellie could get her dismissed from her internship. Conflict of interest because I’m going through counseling there.”
Sinclair nodded. “Oh. How’s that going?”
“Pretty good.” Ryan couldn’t remember the last time he’d talked to his brother like this. Honest and open without the bitter anger.
Ryan had struggled with his brother taking off after Sara died. Sinclair hadn’t even called while he was away.
Although, Ryan was having a hard time holding on to that. Times like these made him realize that it was good to have his brother back. And Sinclair had changed. For the better. He listened more.
Ryan cleared his throat. “Group is one of the toughest things I’ve ever done.”
Sinclair’s eyes were earnest, hopeful. “I know what you mean.”
Ryan cocked his head. “How?”
“Coming back home was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I had to face Hope. Her parents. You.”
Ryan thought about his conversation with Kellie the other night. “Do the Petersens blame you?”
Sinclair shook his head. “No. They don’t blame you either. Jim told me that Sara knew the risk of driving that tractor uphill and did it anyway. We both know it was her nature to do stuff like that.”
Ryan swallowed the lump in his throat. “I could have stopped her.”
Sinclair’s expression was somber. “Maybe. Maybe not.”
Ryan ran a hand through his hair. Sara might have laughed off his caution and done it anyway. She’d been driving tractors forever; she knew her limitations.
“Talk to them.”
Ryan didn’t want to talk to the Petersens. He’d let them down. “Come on. Let’s get these windows closed and lock up. I’m beat.”
After closing up Dorrie’s house, Ryan said good-night to his brother and drove home with his windows down. The air was warm, balmy even. Ignoring the gnawing urge to swing by the mini-mart for a six-pack, Ryan pushed the gas pedal a little harder. He didn’t want this craving, didn’t want to accept it for what it might be.
It was a gorgeous night with a full yellow moon rising like a hot air balloon on the horizon. Pulling into his driveway, he stared at his dark, empty house and knew he didn’t want to go in there. Not feeling like this. He hadn’t left a light on. Didn’t need to with the light that harvest moon was reflecting. He glanced toward where Kellie lived and knew what he needed to do.
Within minutes, Ryan silently slid his canoe into the still waters of Lake Leelanau. It was too beautiful a night not to come out here. And way too beautiful to be out here alone.
He paddled softly toward where Kellie lived and passed a group of mallard ducks that quacked furiously as they scurried away from him. That might be Kellie’s same reaction, but it was worth a try. If not, he’d paddle alone and pray until he was tired enough to go home and fall into bed.
He made landfall and quietly pulled the canoe up onto Mrs. Wheeler’s shoreline. The house looked dark from here, but he stepped with stealth toward the driveway. Soft light glowed from two upper level windows. Kellie’s?
He spotted her slim, dark silhouette pacing across the room. Picking up a handful of small pebbles, he launched a few at one of the windows. Kellie stopped pacing.
He waited. Then he threw a few more.
The curtains were pushed aside and Kellie lifted the screen and leaned out. Her glorious hair hung loose around her shoulders. “Ryan, is that you?”
“Could you come down here?” He kept his voice as low and quiet as possible.
“Why? What’s wrong?” Hers sounded worried. Alarmed.
“Nothing. Please, come down.”
She closed the screen with a snap and then turned off all but one light in her room. In seconds, she met him on the blacktop driveway wearing cutoff shorts and a T-shirt, but no shoes. And she’d pulled all that hair back into a fat clip. “What’s up?”
He battled a tenacious urge to toss that clip and pull her into his arms. Instead, without a word, he grabbed her hand and led her toward the lake, toward his canoe.
“Ryan?”
“Shh, just come on.”
She stopped midway, pulling her hand back. “I’m not going anywhere unless you tell me what this is all about.”
He stepped close. “Canoe with me.”
Her eyes widened. Even with the brightness cast by that fat yellow moon, he couldn’t tell what color they were. But they looked tempted, and maybe a little scared. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
He was beginning to agree with her. “Look, I promise not to try anything.”
Her eyes widened even more.
He’d given away one of his temptations. “I want to know how your interview went.”
She folded her arms across her chest. “You could have called.”
“I don’t have your number.”
She closed her eyes. “Ryan, we can’t do this.”
“Sure we can.”
Her eyes flew back open. “Don’t you get it?” She made a small measurement gesture with her forefinger and thumb. “I’m this close to graduating. This close to finishing my internship, and this close to a job I’ve trained forever for. Why would I blow all that?”
He stepped even closer. Afraid to admit to the other temptation he battled. Afraid to name it. “You won’t, I promise. I need to relax and not think tonight. I can’t go home. Not yet.”
She took a step backward, but he read the recognition in her eyes. She knew what he battled against. Would she still go with him?
“Look, no one’s going to know.” He hated to beg, but he needed this. He needed her.
Kellie stared at him with big, round eyes.
He stared back. He wanted to kiss her but wouldn’t. He’d made her a promise. One he intended to keep—at least for tonight. “Come on. You’ve got to see this moon.”
He started for the canoe, then turned and looked back at her.
She shook her head but made a move forward. A sure sign that she’d given in. Most likely for his sake, but he didn’t care as long as she went with him.
He smiled.
She scowled. “You say one word about this and I’ll break every bone in your body.”
He laughed. She was a mighty wisp. “I’d like to see you try.”
She walked past him to the shoreline. Grabbing one of the paddles out of the canoe, she gave him a warning wave. “Where do you want me?”
“Up front.”
He turned the canoe so the front half lay in the lake and held it steady for Kellie to get situated on the front bench. Then he climbed in back and pushed off with one foot. He chuckled when she gripped the sides.
“Have you ever canoed?”
“A little. When I went to camp as a kid.”
“Relax, we won’t tip. This thing is as stable as they come.”
She gave a derisive snort.
Ryan chuckled again. They’d already tipped toward something far more interesting than friends and he wasn’t sorry a bit. For the first time in three years, he didn’t want to shut down what he was feeling. He wanted to pursue it.