By Thursday afternoon at LightHouse Center, Kellie was stumped. Her boss had not once brought up what Ryan had told him. Was he protecting a client’s privacy or letting the whole thing go? Surely she deserved to be reprimanded for getting personally involved with a client while she was an intern.
Her internship was more or less finished, but was she home free? She closed her eyes, calling herself every kind of coward for not going into John’s office to find out. The need to know what her boss was going to do gnawed at her, but that didn’t make her feet move.
Kellie chewed the short nail of her pinky finger and stared at the phone. Rallying the courage to call John’s extension, she jumped when her cell phone rang instead. Recognizing the caller as the school in Traverse City, Kellie answered before the second ring.
Bracing for bad news, Kellie blinked twice when she heard the opposite. They wanted to hire her as long as she passed her certification test. Those scores were due to be posted online the following day. She couldn’t access the printable files for a few more days, but at least she’d know if she passed. And if she did, the job was hers.
All hers.
After she ended the call, tears gathered in her eyes, blurring her vision. “Thank You, Lord,” she whispered, and then hung her head in her hands.
She heard soft footsteps on the carpeted floor behind her and then felt a hand touch her shoulder. Ginny.
“Oh no, Kellie, what is it?” Ginny slipped onto the corner of her desk.
Kellie looked up with a grin and croaked, “I got the job.”
Ginny gripped the collar of her sweater. “You gave me a scare. I thought...oh, never mind.”
Kellie grabbed a tissue, blew her nose and then sniffed. “What did you think?”
Ginny rolled her eyes. “I thought it was, you know, romance trouble.”
Kellie’s eyes grew wide and she sputtered, “But I’m not, that is...”
Ginny only raised an eyebrow, but her eyes held warmth not censure.
Kellie felt her cheeks turning red. Surely Ryan hadn’t talked to Ginny, too, but maybe John had. Who all knew about her and Ryan anyway?
Ginny smiled. “You have to tell John.”
“I will. Right now.” Kellie stood and squared her shoulders. Was this why he hadn’t made a fuss over Ryan? Did John already know the job was hers?
Leaving Ginny behind, Kellie rushed down the hall. John’s door was halfway ajar and she could see him staring out the window while drinking a huge cup of his awful coffee.
She tapped her knuckles against the wood. “Got a minute?”
John swung his chair around and smiled. “I do. Come in.”
Kellie clenched and unclenched her fingers. “Well, I got the job.”
John smiled again but didn’t look surprised. “Good for you. When do you start?”
“After Thanksgiving. As long as I passed my test and successfully complete my internship.” She looked at him and waited.
Nothing but silent consideration from the man in the chair.
“Will I successfully complete my internship?” Her voice wobbled.
John chuckled. “I don’t see why not.”
“Even after what Ryan told you?” Kellie blurted.
“Ah, yes. Ryan.” John set down his mug of coffee.
A shiver of alarm traveled up Kellie’s spine as she slipped into a chair. John’s office was large but unassuming. Two windows on connecting corner walls gave a nice view of the small river that flowed from Lake Leelanau. She could see the dark silhouettes of tree branches stretching toward a cold November sun.
She tucked both her hands under her thighs to keep them still and waited. One of the many things she’d learned at LightHouse Center was that John was not a man to be rushed.
Finally, John let out a sigh. “Ryan’s doing well. He’s processing his grief.”
“Yes.” Kellie knew that but braced for the reprimand that was bound to come. Should come.
“Can I speak off-the-record and not as your supervisor?”
Kellie swallowed hard. “Absolutely.”
“My suggestion is to keep your distance until he’s done here. Until you can be sure his feelings for you are stable.”
Kellie felt like her chest had been put into a vise that kept cranking tighter and tighter. What did that mean? Ryan wasn’t over Sara. That had to be it. “I’ve come to that same conclusion.”
John leaned forward. “Don’t misunderstand me. Ryan’s a good man, Kellie. But I would hate to see either of you get hurt because you pushed things too soon.”
Kellie cocked her head. “He said he’d wait.”
“Some people are worth waiting for, and if not, you’ll know because you kept a clear head.” John wasn’t warning her away from Ryan at all. And that spoke volumes. But she could sense that he wasn’t telling her everything. There was more to his concerns then he was showing.
“You don’t think he’s over his fiancée?” Kellie narrowed her gaze.
He didn’t blink an eye, and she knew John wasn’t at liberty to share that with her. Not now, after she’d crossed the line into a personal relationship with Ryan. Not when she wasn’t part of their therapy group. But John had effectively warned her to protect her heart for now. Why?
Who was she trying to kid? Her heart was already engaged, but not completely given. She stood to leave, feeling more unsettled than when she first came in. “I get it. Wait this thing out.”
John nodded.
At his office door, Kellie turned and smiled. She’d received some fatherly advice she hadn’t expected from a boss. Good advice, too. Being certain never caused anyone harm. That’s all John was saying. Rushing ahead was for fools. Kellie liked to think she was no fool. “Thank you, John.”
“My pleasure.” He gave her an encouraging smile.
Kellie wanted to ask if she should fear alcohol dependence but knew that answer as well. She’d interned long enough to learn that once a person abused a substance to numb their pain, there was always the possibility they’d do so again in the future. Part of working recovery was about facing what lay underneath that need to self-medicate. To numb.
Ryan was working on that through group, but he wasn’t home free. Not yet. Maybe that’s what John was trying to tell her without telling her. And that meant she wasn’t home free either.
* * *
“Hold it still.” Ryan drilled the screw halfway in place and then stopped. Hanging cupboards was tricky business. He wanted them straight, and Karl wasn’t exactly laser beam focused on the task. The guy must have either ADHD or ants in his pants.
“Hope,” Ryan called out when he spotted her walking through the kitchen with a steaming covered dish. Dinner would be served in the living room tonight because the kitchen was torn up. “Does this look straight?”
She narrowed her gaze and then shook her head. “Up a titch on your left.”
“A titch?” Karl gave him an amused look.
Ryan grimaced as he shifted the block of heavy cabinetry. “How’s that?”
“Perfect.” Hope nodded and then disappeared.
“Hold it still,” Ryan had to remind Karl. The guy’s attention followed the food, and he couldn’t really blame him. Something smelled incredible.
Karl had been working with him on the house for a week now. Every day Ryan had left early from the research center because November was slow and his duties were light. He and Karl had come to the construction site every afternoon. Sinclair often joined them.
Ryan was grateful for his brother’s help and influence. He had to hand it to Sinclair for interspersing spiritual lessons while they worked. Karl seemed to soak it in, but then he’d get this blank look on his face like nothing had stuck. Did he think God’s saving grace didn’t apply to him?
Drilling in the rest of the screws, Ryan stepped off the platform and took a good hard look. Hope had been correct and the cabinets finally looked straight.
“Ryan and Karl, the cake is here.” Gracie twirled her way into the kitchen wearing a sparkly purple skirt over pink sweatpants.
“Shh.” Ryan placed his finger to his lips in a gesture he hoped would make the kid quiet down. “It’s supposed to be a surprise.”
Gracie slapped her hand over her mouth and giggled.
“Blabbermouth,” Ryan muttered.
“Am not.” Gracie put her hands on her hips and jutted out her chin.
“She looks just like her mother when she does that.” Karl’s voice sounded strangled and full of regret.
Ryan looked more closely at the seven-year-old. Both girls favored their mom, with dark blond hair and brown eyes. There wasn’t much of a resemblance to Karl that he could see. Considering Dorrie’s request to hide Karl’s identity, that was a good thing.
And so far, Karl had abided by Dorrie’s request. The girls had no idea who he was other than another guy volunteering to help. Ryan felt bad about that. Seemed like the girls should know their father, but then Dorrie had her reasons. And from what Kellie had told him, Karl had never been around. But Ryan suspected that Hannah might already know. He’d caught her studying Karl one too many times.
Ryan tousled Gracie’s hair. “Where’s your aunt Kellie?”
“Painting my bedroom.” Gracie grinned, the insult completely forgotten.
Ryan stepped out of the way of a huge sheet cake with the words Congratulations Kellie written in blue icing being carried inside by Dorrie and his aunt Jamee.
“Where to?” his aunt asked.
“Follow me.” Ryan cleared space on one of the card tables. “Thanks for doing this on such short notice.”
“Baking a banana cake for my nephew’s girl is my pleasure.” She craned her neck and looked around. “Where is the beauty?”
“She’s coming. Hope’s gathering everyone.” Ryan didn’t bother to correct his aunt that Kellie wasn’t his girl.
But then he’d been the only one Kellie told about her job offer. She’d asked him not to say anything until it was a sure thing, after she’d not only seen her passing test scores but had forwarded them in writing to the school. That had happened yesterday.
He watched as Kellie walked into the living room, and her eyes lit up with surprise when she saw the huge layered cake. She glanced at Dorrie, who pointed his way.
Kellie looked at him with softened eyes and mouthed the words thank you.
He didn’t look away. He couldn’t. Yeah, he was definitely falling hard. They’d been tiptoeing around each other all week. Pretending there was nothing between them but friendship.
“Kel, I’d like you to meet my aunt Jamee.”
“It’s a pleasure. You take care of this boy. He’s a keeper.” His aunt pulled Kellie into her arms for a hug.
Kellie’s panicked eyes widened and never left his face.
Ryan laughed. Didn’t Kellie realize she’d already passed the test with his mom? Kellie was a slam dunk with the rest of the Marsh family.
“Well, Kellie, are you going to tell us your big news?” one of the volunteers asked.
“I got the job I’d interviewed for at a school in Traverse City. I start in a couple of weeks.”
The group cheered, and Ryan’s aunt got busy cutting and serving cake after Sinclair said a blessing over the food. The celebratory mood grew more noisy and excited with each piece of cake consumed. The house was on schedule for completion, and the builder in charge promised to bring in his crew for any last-minute finishing. They’d make sure Dorrie and her girls had a place to move into before Christmas.
Ryan glanced at Karl. The guy looked at his daughters like he was trying to memorize their faces. Wasn’t he planning on sticking around? A swell of fury gripped him. Surely Karl wasn’t going to walk away from his family again.
He felt a touch to his arm. It was Kellie.
“What’s got you looking like a thundercloud?”
He shook his head. “Thoughts.”
“Anything you want to share?”
He steered her away from everyone so they could sit on a couple of folding chairs near the far wall. Still, he kept his voice low. “I don’t get your brother.”
Alarm shone from her eyes. “Anything more specific?”
“He had everything and blew it.”
Kellie nodded and moved her food around the plate with her fork. “It’s been that way for a long time. But I think he’s finally trying to change.”
Ryan wasn’t so sure. He had nothing to go by other than a gut feeling. “How can you tell?”
“He’s working on this house for one thing.”
Ryan didn’t point out that it was because they’d forced Karl into it in exchange for seeing his daughters. Ryan had also reinforced that Karl’s free lodging depended on how well he did here. He didn’t appreciate the guy’s indifference or halfway approach to getting things done right. Didn’t he care that his daughters would live here?
“And he’s meeting with a sponsor,” Kellie said around a mouthful of lasagna. She didn’t eat her cake first. A small slice lay perched on the side of her paper plate.
She wanted her brother to succeed. He did, too. Only Ryan wasn’t sure that Karl wanted it. What Karl did in the mornings while he was at work, Ryan could only guess. He was supposed to be looking for work; the guy was on the phone enough. But then Karl went out some evenings to meet friends. For a guy who hadn’t grown up around here, Karl had made friends awfully fast.
Ryan had never smelled alcohol when Karl returned, only the lingering stench of cigarette smoke. But then if he were taking drugs, they might not have a smell. Ryan didn’t know. Karl never stayed out late, so maybe it was okay. Maybe he was working his recovery, even if he was private about it. As Kellie said, Karl had a sponsor he met with.
“That’s good then.” Ryan shouldn’t make a mountain out of a molehill.
Kellie nodded. “How’s group?”
He grinned at her. “Do you miss interning?”
She shrugged. “A little, maybe. And you totally sidestepped my question.”
He hadn’t meant to. She seemed eager to know, or maybe it was more about how close he was to finishing. And that gave him hope. “I think I’m doing well, but John thinks I’m rushing through it.”
“Are you?”
“I want to move on.” He wanted to move on with her.
She gave him a hard look, one that made him uncomfortable.
“I’m serious, Kel. I’m not blowing this off. Even if I don’t talk a lot in group, I listen and try to apply what I hear. When I put my mind to something, I get it done.”
She looked pleased. Sweeping her arm to encompass their surroundings, she smiled. “I can see that.”
He focused on her mouth, wishing they were anywhere but in a room full of people. He cupped her cheek and gently ran his thumb over her full bottom lip. “I know what I feel, too.”
She leaned a little into the palm of his hand. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Ryan might not openly share his feelings, but he didn’t question them. “I think I’m falling for you.”
He’d known Sara was the one for him by the time he was sixteen years old. He’d never wavered from that truth. He’d been sure then, and he was sure now.
* * *
Kellie blinked. Had she heard him correctly? Warmth pooled into the pit of her belly. But he couldn’t be in love with her after only a few weeks. It was too fast. The advice given by her boss nearly a week ago rang in her ears. Pretty hard to follow it when looking into Ryan’s dark eyes.
She wanted to confess the same thing, but something held her back. “I care about you, too.”
Ryan dropped his hand. Obviously that hadn’t been the answer he’d wanted to hear. “Well, it’s a start, I suppose.”
Kellie tried for clarity of thought. John had said it was too soon to trust Ryan’s feelings as stable. “You’re the one who promised to wait.”
He smiled. “True.”
She heard the murmur of voices from outside and looked around. “Where’s Karl?”
“I don’t know. Smoke break?” Ryan peered out the window and then gestured toward the backyard.
She noticed that Dorrie wasn’t around either. When she heard the angry sound of raised voices, her stomach sank. “I’ll be back.”
Ryan heard them, too, and stood. “I’ll go with you.”
“No. I’ve got this.” Kellie grabbed her coat and flew out the back door.
“You agreed!” Dorrie’s voice sliced through the cold night air.
Karl took a menacing step toward his ex-wife. “What did you expect me to do? I wanted to see my kids.”
Kellie stepped between them. “Whoa. There’s a houseful in there and they can probably hear you, so let’s keep it down. What’s going on?”
“My kids have a right to know who I am,” Karl snarled.
“I knew this was a mistake.” Muttering, Dorrie paced the backyard and then glared at Karl. “You ruin everything you touch. Leave them alone.”
“They’re my girls.”
“No, they’re mine,” Dorrie asserted. “You’ve never been a father to them. I’ve struggled to keep a roof over their heads no thanks to you.”
“I did what I could.” Was her brother spoiling for a fight? What was wrong with him? Dorrie had him beat on all fronts.
“Why’d you come here, Karl? Why now?” Dorrie’s voice dropped low.
Kellie watched her brother’s face change from anger to sorrowful regret before becoming a blank page. He nodded and cursed. “I’m outta here.”
She glanced at Dorrie.
“Let him go. And I don’t want to see him back here, either.” Her sister-in-law headed for the house.
Kellie rushed down the driveway toward her brother. It didn’t take long to catch up. She reached out and grabbed his arm. “Wait.”
He whipped away from her. “What do you want?”
“What are you trying to do?”
“They’re my kids, Kel. She has no right.”
Kellie gasped and then sputtered. “Are you serious? She has every right. Dorrie raised those girls on her own with no child support from you. She could have filed, but didn’t. Why’s that?”
Her brother shrugged. “I sent her money when I could.”
Kellie knew how infrequent that had been. “Do you realize how showing up with that expensive car is a slap in the face for her? She’s struggled, Karl. Dorrie works hard and she’s protective. I can’t say I blame her. If you’re serious about being a dad in their lives, why can’t you wait it out until you prove that you’re sticking around?”
Her brother shrugged. “I don’t have that kind of time.”
Alarm skittered through her. “What are you saying? Are you sick or something?”
His gaze slipped away from hers. “I’ve always been sick. Just forget it.” He started for his car.
Kellie followed, but fear for him crawled through her insides and chilled her to the bone. “Talk to me, Karl.”
But her brother waved her off like she meant absolutely nothing to him and kept walking.
Tears stung her eyes. She’d worshipped the ground Karl walked on when they were kids. She’d followed him like a puppy dog and he’d never chased her way because he’d watched over her while their parents were at the office or showing houses.
Oh, sometimes he told her to get lost when his friends came over, but if Karl went somewhere, he’d take her along. Sledding, bike rides, she’d been a part of everything he did while their parents were away. He’d been the one to take off her training wheels while Mom and Dad were busy making money.
“There comes a time when you have to stop being scared, Kel,” he’d told her before unscrewing the bolts on those wheels.
She remembered listening to him, finding strength from the confidence he’d had in her. Why had everything gone wrong when Karl turned thirteen? He’d stopped loving her and she’d been so scared that she’d done something wrong. That she’d pushed him away somehow.
“You okay?” Ryan stood behind her.
She sniffed. “Some counselor I’ll make. I can’t even get my own brother to talk to me.”
Ryan turned her around and pulled her into his arms. “You’re an awesome counselor, Kellie. But you know you can’t make anyone talk if they don’t want to or if they’re not ready. Let him go cool off and then try again.”
She nodded. Her nose fit into the neckline of Ryan’s flannel shirt, and she breathed deep the woodsy, cedarlike scent of him.
He kissed the top of her head.
She pulled back. “Thanks.”
“It’s okay to need a shoulder to cry on, Kellie. It’s okay to need.”
“Not for me, it isn’t.”
He shook his head, but he didn’t understand how much it hurt to have her needs ignored like they didn’t matter. Like she didn’t matter. Ryan came from a supportive family with parents who’d always been there for him. Who’d never let him down.
Kellie caressed Ryan’s cheek. “You’re a good man.”
He turned his head and kissed her palm. “Kel—”
“I’m scared, Ryan. Give me time to trust you, okay?”
He gave her the sweetest look of understanding. “Okay. Take all the time you need. I’m not going anywhere.”
But only time would tell if that was true.
* * *
By the time Ryan was ready to lock up Dorrie’s house and call it a night, there was only him and his brother left. They looked around at the progress they’d made in such a short time.
Sinclair whistled. “This is really shaping up.”
Thinking about what Karl must have put Kellie through, Ryan realized how good he had it. He put a hand on his brother’s shoulder. “Thank you. Thanks for being here.”
“Hey, no problem.”
“I’m serious. You’ve done more than I ever expected. Both you and Hope, but especially you. We wouldn’t be this far without your help and the guys you brought out.”
“You’re my brother, and Dorrie’s a church member. It’s the kind of thing we’re supposed to do, right?”
Ryan nodded. “Look, when you came home—”
Sinclair held up a hand. “You don’t have to say anything. I understand.”
“No, I do have to say it.” Ryan had to get this out. It was part of the process, one of the twelve steps, and something he needed to be released from. “I’m sorry for the way I acted when you came home. I’m sorry I held on to my anger about you leaving.”
Sinclair nodded. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you needed me.”
For years Ryan refused to forgive his brother, and he’d turned the dirt on guilt’s bitter worm enough. It was never his brother’s place to heal this pain. It was God’s. Ryan had to give this over to God, because he was done with it. He had to let it go. Ryan pulled his brother into a bear hug. “I forgive you. Please forgive me, too.”
Sinclair squeezed once, really hard, before pulling back. “I do and...I love you, man.”
Ryan laughed. “Okay, now we’re getting sappy, but I love you, too.”
Sinclair laughed and then slapped him on the shoulder.
“I think I should talk with the Petersens.” Ryan wanted closure with Sara’s parents. He’d avoided them long enough.
“Come to church.”
“Yeah, I will.” Ryan no longer needed to stay away.
He waved good-night to his brother as he checked the builder’s trailer to make sure it was locked. Dorrie’s place had electricity now, and they’d filled the propane tank so they’d have heat. So far, November had been downright cold.
Ryan climbed into his truck and rubbed his cold hands together. He wasn’t sure whether to hope Karl was home at his place or gone completely. Regardless, he fought back anger toward the guy who’d messed up Kellie’s head.
Driving down the road, he headed toward town and the mini-mart gas station to fill up his tank. He wouldn’t mind one of those hot chocolates either. The glass beer case held no power over him. He was done with that, too.
After paying, Ryan climbed back into his truck and pulled forward. A couple of running vehicles parked in the empty lot next to the mini-mart caught his eye. He narrowed his gaze. One of those cars looked like Karl’s.
Ryan watched and waited, for what he didn’t know.
Two men talked from their open driver’s side windows. And then they exchanged something, waved and pulled out.
Was it Karl?
Ryan shifted into gear and followed the Lexus sedan. Sure enough, the car turned on to Lakeshore Drive. Ryan continued to tail Karl until the guy pulled into the driveway and home. He ignored the ill feeling that nearly overwhelmed him.
Pulling in behind Karl, Ryan parked and got out. “Hey, everything okay?”
“Yeah, why?”
Ryan’s mind raced. “You left early.”
Karl shrugged. “Dorrie didn’t want me there.”
Ryan wanted to scream at Karl that he’d blown it royally but kept quiet. At least the guy looked like he’d calmed down.
Karl grabbed a small grocery sack and headed up the steps. “I got some chips and pop if you want some.”
“Yeah, sure.” Ryan unlocked his door and they both went inside. Was he making something out of nothing?
Shedding his coat and boots, Ryan went in search of his slippers before starting a fire. Walking by Karl’s room, he noticed the door was open and a wad of cash lay on the dresser. One of those bills, the outside one, had Ben Franklin in the middle.
Ryan’s stomach dropped to the soles of his feet. Where could Karl have gotten that much cash? What exactly had he witnessed there in that parking lot—a drug deal?