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Tilly
“You look sad, Tilly.” Cooper touches my hands with his. “Mom looks like that when one of her pet friends from work goes to heaven. Did that happen today?”
I look into his soft blue eyes. They’re the eyes of an innocent child who could never understand the debilitating pain of being dumped by the person you thought you’d spend the rest of your life with.
It’s been more than a week since Sebastian told me he was moving out.
I haven’t heard a word from him.
I decided that if I don’t by the end of this week, I’ll pack up his things and have them sent to him at work.
I closed his bedroom door the night he left and I haven’t opened it since.
“Something like that, Coop.” I pat the sofa next to me. “Do you want to sit down so I can read you a book?”
He bounces in place. “I’ll get the one Detective Wolf gave me.”
It’s not the first time he’s brought up Sebastian since I got here to babysit him.
As soon as I arrived, he wanted to know where his best friend was.
Carolyn expertly answered for me by telling him that Detective Wolf was working on a case and would be busy chasing bad guys for a very long time.
When Cooper went to his room to get a new toy to show me, Carolyn tugged me into a hug. I needed it more than I realized.
My phone chimes as Cooper takes off in the direction of his room for the second time tonight.
Kate: Meet me for a drink when you’re done.
I stare at the screen for a few seconds before I type out a reply.
Tilly: I’m dead tired tonight.
Kate: You’re not using that on me again. You’ve been sleeping fourteen hours a day.
I have been. I’ve spent much of the past week in my bed. I’ve only left my apartment to go to work and to come here.
I thought spending time with Cooper while Carolyn is on a date with Darrell would help, but so far it’s only reminding me of the man I love.
I respond with a few taps on my phone’s screen.
Tilly: One drink. That’s it.
Kate: I’ll head over to the bar across the street from Carolyn’s place now. I’ll be waiting for you when you’re done.
I smile for the first time in more than a week.
Tilly: I could be here for hours yet.
Kate: The martinis will keep me company.
***
“I feel like an idiot.” I sip on the glass of soda I ordered when I got to the bar. I was tempted to go for something stronger, but I’m scared that if I start pouring alcohol down my throat, that I won’t stop.
It was my go-to pain reliever after my break-up with Boyd. I won’t fall into that trap again.
“Because you fell in love with him?” Kate runs her fingers over her chin. “Don’t beat yourself up because you loved Sebastian.”
Love. I still love him.
“It’s not just that.” I look around the crowded bar. It’s the same bar that I was at weeks ago with Sebastian when he took a fist to his face.
It was the night of our first kiss and I could see forever in the distance.
Now, I only see loneliness and confusion.
“We were here one night.” I point at the table in the corner where Sebastian and I sat. “We had our first kiss right over there.”
She turns to glance over her shoulder. “Are you serious?”
“I am.” I attempt a weak smile.
“I’m a horrible best friend.” She pushes back her chair. “We’re getting out of here. Let’s go.”
“No.” I reach to grab her hand to still her in place. “I don’t want to go.”
She hesitates. “You don’t have to be brave.”
My gaze slides over to the bar and the same redheaded bartender that was here the night Sebastian kissed me. “I’m not brave.”
“I asked you to come live with me temporarily, and you refused so you could stay in the apartment you shared with the man you love. Now, I’m telling you we should get the hell out of here and you’re still in that chair.”
I glance at her. I see the concern in her eyes. It’s been a constant since the night Sebastian left and I called her begging her to come over.
She did. She crawled into bed next to me and held my hand while I wept through the night.
“Running away from memories only gives them more power. “I sip my soda. “I’m facing them. I have to.”
She nudges her chair closer to the table. “Fine. We’ll face them together.”
“I did something the day before he left.” I cup my hand around the soda glass.
“What did you do?”
“I tried to make his dream come true.” I shake my head. “He made so many of mine come true that I wanted to make one of his a reality.”
She downs what’s left of the drink in her glass. “What does that mean, Tilly?”
“When we were here that night he told me that his dream was to be a prosecutor. One of his friends told me the same. He said that Sebastian talks to him about becoming a lawyer.” I close my eyes briefly to ward off the regret I’ve been feeling for the past week.
“A lawyer? That’s surprising.”
I nod. “The day before he broke up with me he told me he was planning on meeting someone to talk about his future. I assumed he meant becoming a lawyer so when I went to work that day and saw the Dean of Admissions for NYU Law I thought it was fate.”
“You saw who at work?”
I pinch the bridge of my nose before I go on, “Ron brought his cat into the clinic that afternoon and I thought it wouldn’t hurt to mention Sebastian to him.”
“Ron is the Dean of Admissions?” She stops me to clarify.
I nod. “Yes. He came in unexpectedly and I brought up Sebastian and his career and his admission years ago to NYU Law. Ron said he’d put together an admissions package and reach out to Sebastian to talk about his chances of getting accepted again in the future.”
Her voice lowers. “Did Sebastian tell you he wanted to go to law school?”
I shake my head. “No. He never came right out and said it. I think that’s why he left me, Kate.”
“You don’t know that.”
I look back at the table in the corner. “Maybe it was my dream more than his. He was shot years ago. I was scared that it would happen again.”
“He was shot?” She jerks her head back. “Oh my God.”
“He’s fine.” I pat my shoulder. “He’s fully recovered now, but it scared me enough that I convinced myself that he’d be happier as an attorney.”
“Tilly.” She reaches to cup her hands over mine. “He didn’t leave you because you put in a good word at a law school he may never want to go to. If that was the issue he would have just brought it up and told you that he appreciated the effort, but he wasn’t interested in that career path.”
I shake my head in frustration. “You don’t know that, Kate.”
“I know that you told me very early on that he doesn’t want a girlfriend.”
I don’t need the reminder. I haven’t stopped thinking about that since the night he broke up with me.
“Tilly, he left you because he didn’t want to be in a relationship with you.”
The words sting. They sting as much as they do every time I let then trample through my thoughts.
I want there to be a logical reason for why Sebastian walked away from me. I don’t want it to be because he didn’t love me.
“You have to face this.” She wraps her arm around my shoulder. “The sooner you do, the sooner you’ll be able to move on.”
She’s wrong. My heart won’t let me move on.
