Chapter Forty

Robbie

We spent a few hours rescheduling some things; Abi dropped me off at the airport for the first flight out in the morning.

I rented a car and drove to Santa Rosa. Relief eased the tension in my shoulders when I found that Theo hadn’t changed the access my watch granted to the home’s grounds. It was just after 9:00 a.m. when I got in. I ran upstairs, assuming he would be in bed, but was a little surprised to find the bedroom not only empty, but the bed not slept in. I pounded back down the stairs and almost ran right into Mrs. Gomez.

“Where’s Theo?” I asked, sounding a little more frantic than I meant.

“He is in the game room,” she said. “He has been online since he got home. I think, working on a very large project. He has only taken coffee and the Red Bulls. I tell him, it is not healthy. Shall I cook? Can you get him to come and eat?”

I shook my head. “No…I mean, I’ll try, but I’m not sure what’s going on. So let me go talk to him.” Hadn’t eaten? That didn’t sound like Theo at all. He always had an appetite.

Mrs. Gomez wandered off, and I found Theo passed out on the couch. He was snoring loudly, and I debated for a moment, then ended up sitting beside him. When I pulled the blanket over him, he rolled away from me and groaned, “Kat, go away.”

I chuckled. “Kat coming to take care of you when I’m not around?”

Now, Theo doesn’t look it, but he’s pretty lithe for a guy as bulky as he is. He rolled off the couch and was on feet standing with a look of shock that I found a bit satisfying.

“Hey, babe,” I said softly.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, his shoulders lowering as he relaxed.

I took a deep breath, crossed my outstretched legs at the ankles, and leaned back. I had gone over what I was going to say many times on the plane. I was happy he had given me the opening I needed.

When I had talked to Abi, she had agreed. I had to try. If I was wrong, I’d have my heart broken all over again, but at least I wouldn’t have wimped out and spent my life wondering. And if I was right…

“You don’t want to break up with me,” I said, a little quiver tickling my belly as I hoped that my assumption wasn’t wrong. It came out a lot more confident than I felt.

“Why do you say that?” he asked. He hadn’t argued. That meant I was right.

“Because you love me,” I answered with a shrug. “I don’t know why. I have gone through my life thinking that I was worthless, a mistake…” Theo looked like he was going to argue, but I hadn’t come here for him to build up my ego. I raised my hand to stop him, and he lowered himself to sit beside me. “But I’m not. You have been my knight for a year now. You have treated me like a prince, and I don’t know what changed. Did I do something wrong? I need to know what is going on. Please.”

I glanced at him, unaware that I had been talking to my hands that had wrung over and over each other. My breath caught and sympathetic tears sprung to my eyes when I saw that Theo was crying. I offered an apologetic smile and went to stand when Theo grabbed my wrist and wrenched me to him, hugging me. A sob broke free and I hiccupped against his broad soft chest.

“I’m so sorry,” he was saying softly in my ear.

“Why?” I asked, pulling away.

“Robbie, no, you’ve not done anything wrong at all.” Theo dragged his hand over his face, and I realized how exhausted he looked. “I love everything about you. You’re so good, kind, brilliant, hot as fuck…”

“Then why?” I hadn’t meant for it to sound so pathetic, but I needed to know why he was throwing me away.

Theo took a deep breath. “In the last year, I have seen you morph from a scared kid into the most impressive man I’ve ever known. In just a matter of a few months, you’ve not only grown confident in yourself, but also mastered your own abilities, getting stronger every day. Robbie, you’re gorgeous and smart; you’re so capable and strong. You don’t need me, and it’s just a matter of time before you come to your senses and leave.”

He had spoken through his own tears, but by the end he offered a nod, as if it was an agreed decision.

“That’s ridiculous,” I gushed, unable to stop myself. “Theo, I’ll always need you. But I don’t love you because I need you. I need you because I love you. That’s never going to change. The fact is I can survive on my own. But I thrive with you. We thrive together.”

“And what happens when you grow tired of me? Of this life?” he countered.

“How could that ever happen? Chuck and Bob? Are they tired of each other? Of their lives? Abi and Jason, do you think that they’re just going to get tired of each other? People who are in love work through things. They talk. You once told me that I was to run to you when I was hurting. Not away. Coming here, today, is the most terrifying thing I have ever done. Scarier than running away from Mother. But I’m here because I love you. We can’t go through life predicting the future. If we get tired of this life, then we make a new one, together. But, Theo, you’re the most wonderful person I’ve ever met on this planet. You’re the only one I love, the only one I ever want to touch me. Ever.”

He snorted. “That’s not true. I saw the way you were looking at that Chance guy.”

“After a dozen glasses of champagne and having my boyfriend break my heart? Sure,” I countered, pursing my lips.

“I’m never going to look like that guy,” he said, and for the second time in a year, in a matter of a few minutes, I realized that Theo was much more vulnerable than I had ever thought.

“Honey, I love the way you look,” I said, surprised by him shaking his head. “I do. Theo, where is this coming from?”

“You’re working out for hours every day,” he replied.

“I do that for me,” I argued. “I was this weak kid whose mother would never have allowed him to use weights to work out, so I lifted books to gain some muscle, but I wasn’t eating enough to gain any real muscle mass. Now, here, I can eat a ton more—both protein which I need for bulk, and Cheetos which the love of my life has turned me on to. And I feel stronger. I… Theo, I lived my life in fear for so long. It just feels nice not to be afraid anymore.” My throat had become thick with emotion. I could see his struggle and was hoping against hope that he would want to be with me.

He sighed heavily, leaning his head back and shaking his head at some internal thoughts. “Sugar, there are things that I do that I can’t talk to you about.”

“Why?” I demanded, the tone much harsher than I had meant.

Without looking at me, he gave an ironic smile. “I wouldn’t want you to see me differently.”

“Try me,” I ground out.

He gave me a defeated look. “I killed a man today,” he said simply, sitting up straighter and watching my reaction.

I had not been expecting that. I tried to keep the shock out of my voice when I said, “Go on.”

He took a deep breath, his barrel chest expanding fully. “A friend of mine from Japan is gay. He wanted to start a new life with his boyfriend here in the States, but was being blackmailed and then was kidnapped by an ex-lover. I sanctioned a hit and extraction,” he put plainly with a shrug.

“Oh.” That didn’t sound too bad at all. Heck, it sounded even noble. “So, some bad man who had hurt your friend got killed and your friend is safe now?”

Theo frowned, studying me. Then he nodded. “Yeah. That’s the Cliff Notes version.”

I blurted out, “I love you, Theo, and I would marry you…” I quickly added, “If we were the kind of people who did that sort of thing. But what you just told me, everything you just told me, makes me love you more. I would never leave. Not unless you don’t want me. Don’t make me go out of fear.”

“Ah, fuck,” Theo said, stretching out and pulling me beside him. “I seriously fucked up, didn’t I?”

I found myself laughing uncontrollably, overcome with relief and nodding agreement as I wrapped my arms tightly around him, unwilling to ever let him go.