He spoons me protectively. His strength is completely back. I can feel it in the way he holds me. He lightly nibbles my ear. As usual, his touch causes me to shiver and giggle at the same time. He enjoys the control he has over me. I tell him so.
“I told you, I’m the one who’s at your mercy,” he whispers.
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s true. You know it is.”
I take his hand and kiss his palm, and then I sink even further into his embrace.
“I shouldn’t have sent you away. I should’ve found a better way to handle it. I’m sorry,” he says.
“I appreciate it, Marcus, but it’s not just that. We have to establish some ground rules here, because I mean it, I will not keep getting on this “on again-off again” ride with you.”
“Okay, how do we do this?”
“For one thing, I need you to tell me everything. You can’t hide things from me to protect me. I’m not a kid,” I protest.
“Okay.”
“That means when you find out something terrible, like the fact that Julian was the one who made you and Bianca have to sleep together, you have to tell me.”
“You knew about that?”
“Yes and it really sucks, because I had to hear it from Bianca. You should have told me.”
“I was trying to—”
I turn to him with a cold stare.
“Okay, you’re right. I should have told you,” he admits.
“Thank you. Also it’s time we give up on the whole ‘normal’ life thing. My life will never be normal and well, that’s just the way things are. So no more protecting me and sending me back to be ‘normal,’ okay?”
“Alright,” he says, after a moment of reflection.
“The last thing is the most important one; no more of this ‘hurting me to protect me’ bullshit.”
“Wow, you think I’m lying when I say that that’s what I’m doing?” He replies.
“No, I don’t think you’re lying; but you know what, I’d rather have your love than your protection.”
“I want to give you both.”
“Well, Marcus, sometimes one will have to be sacrificed. And if that happens, please don’t hurt me again because you think it will somehow protect me. Agreed?”
“Yes.”
“Good, because if you hurt me I’m going to have to take a knife to you; and only part of that is meant in jest,” I warn.
“You’ve gotten kind of dark, baby.”
“You have no idea.”
I turn around so that we are now facing each other completely.
“Listen, I shouldn’t have said you weren’t there for me; you always show up for me,” I tell him.
“So, what, I’m not a horrible fiancée?” He asks.
“Um…yeah, you kind of are,” I joke.
He smiles back, but the smile is short lived. Sadness spreads across his face.
“What is it?” I ask.
“I didn’t think Arden would die. I don’t know what I thought would happen, but I didn’t think she’d actually die,” he confesses.
“I know…”
“Her death just reminded me of Ty. He died in my arms and I couldn’t save him…”
“I told you before, it’s not your fault. You cannot save everyone,” I remind him.
“Yeah, it’s crazy and stupid, I know.”
“It’s not stupid, Marcus; it’s human and, remember, you used to be one?”
“Funny, I thought now that I am an Angel, I wouldn’t see so much death, but sometimes, baby, it’s all I see. All around me.”
“I was the same way after Rio and all the others,” I confide to him.
“What changed?” He asks.
“I just don’t see death anymore, because I stopped looking.”
“What does that mean?” He wonders.
“It means everyone dies, and no amount of tears has ever undone a death that was already done.”
He starts laughing quietly. I ask him what is so funny.
“This is not normal pillow talk, you know that right?” He teases.
“What’s considered ‘normal’ pillow talk?” I ask.
“Something unrelated to death and the mission,” he replies.
“Okay; I’ve been having a killer streak on Candy Crush.” I announce, delighted.
He laughs so hard; I can feel his body rocking against mine.
“What? Don’t laugh, it’s a hard game,” I promise him.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t expect that,” he says, barely able to hold back.
“I was in the zone, Marcus. I got to level two hundred. As Jay would say, ‘baby girl got skillz.’”
“Well, I am very proud of you. I mean, Candy Crush is a kids’ game, but yeah, I suppose it takes a little effort,” he says, teasing me.
“Oh really, are you challenging me?” I dare him.
“C’mon, Emmy, you know you can’t beat me.”
“Okay, it’s on now. I’m gonna get my tablet and we’re gonna battle; and no powers.”
Before I can get up, he pulls me back into his arms and says we can play later, he’s not ready to let me go yet. He kisses me deeply and groans when I pull away.
“Hey, how come no one on the team came to check on me the night I left the villa?” I ask, trying to sound casual about it.
I don’t think I pulled it off. Marcus knew right away I was hurt by the team’s sudden disappearance in my life. That was one of the reasons I sent them away.
“It’s not their fault, Em, they wanted to check on you, but I ordered them not to. I wanted you to have some space.”
“Oh, okay.”
“It may have been the wrong thing to do, but they were following my orders. They love you. In fact, it was all I could do to get Eta not to follow you back to New York. She really likes you.”
“Baby, I know you want Eta and I to be really close, but I don’t think that’s ever really gonna happen,” I reply.
“Why? You have to give her a chance,” Marcus pleads.
“I’m not talking about me; I’m talking about Eta. She will never truly feel comfortable being close to me.”
“Because of her loyalty to Bianca?” He asks.
“No, because of you.” I say, smiling as I shake my head.
Marcus looks back at me, completely confused.
“Marcus, Eta is hopelessly in love with you.”
“What? No. She’s…wait…really? Rio had mentioned someone he thought had feelings, but he didn’t give me a name,” Marcus replies sincerely.
“Every time you address her, she blushes. When you walk into a room she fixes her hair and when you accidently brush up against her, she holds her breath, bites her lower lip and closes her eyes so that the moment can last longer in her mind.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because that’s the way I used to be, when we first met.” I remind him with a smile.
“So you’re not that way anymore?”
“Yes and no.”
“I see; and you’re good with her falling in love with me?” Marcus pushes.
“Yes, because she’s in love with a hero; the First Guardian. And me, I’m in love with an Angel. Those are two very different things.”
“How so?”
“Heroes always save people; but, with Angels, sometimes they need saving.”
“You have done that; saved me. You have saved me many, many times,” Marcus says, taking my hand.
I tell him I love him and kiss him with growing desire, but he breaks away from the kiss and pulls back. He looks at me with growing concern.
“Marcus, you okay?”
“There’s something I have to tell you and I really don’t want to.”
“Why?”
“It’s gonna screw up this moment, but in order to do what you want, in order to be completely honest, I have to tell you.”
Crap, please don’t let it be something too bad.
“No matter what it is, I will stand by you. What is it?” I ask.
“I went looking to score CP a few weeks ago.”
“YOU WHAT?!” I scream as I throw his shirt on and leap off the bed.
There are so many questions in my head and so many emotions I can’t stand still. I pace around my room frantically.
“Marcus, how could you do that?”
“I didn’t take it,” he assures me.
“Yeah, but you were going to, weren’t you?”
“Yes.”
“How could you even think about doing something so stupid? Do you know what it took to get you the Spring? Have you any idea how worried everyone was about you? Do you know what it was like, to see you like that? You were being eaten alive by this addiction and we couldn’t help you.”
He puts his jeans back on and comes to comfort me, but I push him away.
“Emmy, I didn’t use. I was close to taking a hit, but I didn’t.”
“You should never have been anywhere near that stuff, Marcus, it’s like you don’t care about anyone but yourself.”
“That’s not true.”
“Then how can you even think of taking CP again? Do you want to be a Tic, Marcus? Was it fun for you, to lose all control over everything in your life?”
“Emmy, please calm down.”
“Marcus Jason Cane, don’t you dare tell me to calm down! I risked my life to save your ass and now you go right back to drugs?”
“Once again, I didn’t take CP; I said I got close to taking it,” he snaps.
“Okay, okay. How close?”
“I bought it.”
“You actually got your hands on CP again?”
“Yes,” he admits.
“Then what?”
“I…I opened the container--but I didn’t take any.”
“I am really trying here, Marcus. I’m trying to be strong for us, because that’s the only way we will survive everything that is happening, but I can’t take another death. I cannot take any more grieving.”
“Emmy, I know—”
“—NO YOU DON’T! IF YOU DID, YOU WOULDN’T PUT YOUR LIFE IN DANGER AGAIN!!”
“I know what you went through. I’ve had to watch things happen to you, too. You don’t think it messed me up to see you in a coma? Or to stand there and watch you get electrocuted?”
When the tears fill my eyes I order them back inside my body. There’s a sharp pain that replaces the tears. It spreads itself across my skull. The headache is so intense, it radiates up and down my shoulders and at the base of my neck. It feels like my head is being split open.
“Emmy, what’s wrong?” Marcus asks.
I hold my head in both my heads and try to breathe through the pain. Marcus leads me over to the chair and helps me sit down. He asks if he can get me anything, I ask for water. He goes into the kitchen and comes back quickly, even by Angel standards. I drink all the water and lean my head back in the chair.
Marcus is about to speak, but I signal that I need silence. For the next few minutes, I focus on taking deep breaths. Finally, while my headache is not completely gone, it subsides enough so that I can think. I force myself to take deep breaths and focus on the problem at hand.
“Okay, you got close to taking CP, but you didn’t. Is that right?” I ask.
“Yeah.”
“Who gave you the CP?”
“Tony.”
“Why would he—”
“—It’s not his fault. I didn’t give him a choice,” Marcus replies.
“Okay. Okay…”
“Emmy—”
“—Wait. I just need to think. I read all about addiction after everything that happened with us, so I know it’s extremely difficult to get off drugs.”
“Yes, it is.”
“Well, I said I was going to stand by you and that’s what I will do. I told you to be honest, and you are being honest. Plus, I’m going to be your wife someday, and I can’t just walk out on us when things get bad.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, Marcus, I am. Now, according to the blogs and forums I went to, it’s really important to identify what the trigger is. You know, the things that drove you to want to escape into drugs. Once you identify the triggers, we can eliminate them,” I say, finally starting to calm down.
Marcus walks over to the window and looks out. He’s distant and deeply unhappy.
I ask him again if he knows what his trigger is and he remains silent for several moments.
When he finally does speak, he sounds lost in thought.
“I would stand across the street and watch you play with Mrs. Charlotte. You were so beautiful. I would have given anything to stand by your window forever, but I always had Demons to hunt. And I knew the longer I stayed, the harder it would be to walk away…”
“Marcus, please stop going down memory lane. What was the trigger that made you think of going back to drugs? The battles? The mission? The deaths? I don’t know how I can stop any of these things from happening, but maybe we can get the team to supervise you after a battle…”
“You were so happy, just dancing around with the cat…”
“Marcus, what happened right before you went to look for CP?”
“I love you,” he whispers.
“Marcus, what is your trigger; what is it we have to keep you away from?” I ask.
“The first time I tried CP was when we broke up, just before the team and I were supposed to go back into the light. And this time, I tried to go back to CP after we had the big argument at the beach house. Every time I’ve even thought of taking drugs, it’s been because of us. Emmy, you’re my trigger.”
“Oh my Omnis, it’s me. I’m the one you need to stay away from,” I say to myself softly.
“Emmy, wait. Let’s just talk about this,” he pleads.
“What’s to talk about; I’m bad for you.”
“No, you’re not. It’s not you. Don’t take this on yourself.”
“Why not? You turn to drugs because of us. You know what that means, Marcus.”
“No! Don’t you dare do this, Emmy. You just said that you would stand by me. And you said we shouldn’t push each other away.”
“But being with me…it sends you to CP. I should have known that,” I reply.
“Only if there’s like a major blow up,” Marcus insists.
“Can you guarantee that we won’t have another big fight?” I ask.
“You said that you would stand by me.”
“Marcus, our relationship is the reason you’re likely to relapse.”
“Emmy, you said…”
I look at him with panic and sadness. He reads my expression and grows angry.
“You said to be honest and now you’re leaving me because I was honest with you?!” He shouts.
“I didn’t say I was leaving you.”
“But you didn’t say that you would stay. Emmy, are we back together or what?”
I can’t answer him. I want to say yes, but how can I? What happens if he relapses?
His cell phone buzzes. He has a text messages. He’s waiting for my answer. When I remain silent, he goes over and checks his phone.
“We have to talk about this later,” he says.
“What? No. If that’s Bianca, tell that bitch whatever it is, she needs to figure it out on her own,” I demand.
“It’s not Bianca; it’s the Originals. They’re ready to make a deal. We’re going on the mission.”