Chapter 25

Robin

“They’re here!”

The text comes as I’m practicing. I stretch my hands, shaking them out and rubbing life back into the red calluses. Denise and her friend must have arrived.

“Yay! :)” I text back. My heart flutters and sinks a little, which is funny and unexpected.

I go back to my song. I’ve warmed up with a few boom-chunk chords and a song about old Joe Clark’s house, which doesn’t have a whole lot of meaning, but it’s something I can do without thinking.

My fingers switch to the First Aid Kit song “Emmylou,” and I sing along. Their songs are in the American folk style, complete with American folk instruments and accents. You’d never in a million years guess that they’re Swedish.

From the first time I heard that song, I’ve always dreamed of being someone’s “Emmylou.” Half of a duet. My eyes drift to a picture stuck to the wall—Carter with his arm around me. Both of us squinting into the camera. He will never sing with me. I’ve never even heard his spoken voice. I haven’t even heard him laugh again—not since that night at dinner. Does he know how much I loved it?

I push those thoughts away and find that my feelings have spilled over into the music, switching from “Emmylou” to a different song—about a girl missing a boy who’s gone forever. Where did that come from? I stop fingerpicking and jam on some bright chords. I speed it up to distract me. Less contemplative, more demanding. The melody works its way into my hands and my ears, pouring into and filling up my soul. I smile and belt out a harmony, even though nobody’s on melody, but the heart of the message is in the music. My fingers speak better than my mouth does—like Carter. But he’ll never hear the language my fingers speak and his heart language will always be my second one.

My phone buzzes, saving my spiraling thoughts. It’s from Carter again.

“Dinner tonight! You’re coming, right?”

“Of course,” I text back. “Want me to bring anything?”

I wait for a second but he doesn’t answer immediately, so I put the phone on the bed and Bender on her stand and move to my ancient desktop. I wiggle the mouse and my new homepage, the ASL dictionary, pops up.

“Hi,” I practice signing, although that particular one is second nature. “What’s up?” “I’m fine,” “I’m sorry, can you slow down?” “I love music,” “I’m a singer,” “I’m a waitress,” “Tell me about yourself,” “How do you know Carter?” “So what is Carter like at school?”

All too soon it’s 5:00 p.m., and my mom calls up the stairs. “You going soon?”

“Yeah.” I throw on the pair of jeans and black tank top that I wore when I first met his family.

“Does he want you to bring anything?” My mom is standing in my doorway, leaning up against the doorjamb.

“Um…” I check my phone. He never answered. “I guess not.” I glance up at her. “I don’t know why, but I’m a little nervous.”

“You’ll do fine,” she says, and gives me a hug. “Say hi to Carter for us, honey. Tell him it’s our turn to have him over! We don’t get to see enough of him!”

“Will do, Mom,” I say. I grab my keys from their hook by the door and turn around to say good-bye to my mom, but she’s not looking at me anymore. She’s looking out the window, her arms crossed. Her face is distant.

“See ya, Mom,” I say. “Love you.”

She turns the smile back on and looks at me. “Love you, too. Have fun.”

I dial Jenni on my way out the door.

“How was work today, working girl?” I ask.

“Good! They love me. I’m the only one who doesn’t steal bites in between cones.”

“Ha!” Of course—lactose intolerant—I never thought of that.

“Tonight’s the big night, huh?” she asks.

“Yeah. Meeting the infamous Denise and her friend. I think her name is Jolene?”

“Nice. You nervous?”

“A little, actually. So, you and Barry. How are things going?”

I can almost hear her roll her eyes as the smile creeps into her voice. “He’s walked me to the ice-cream shop every day since I started, but he never comes in! I tease him about being seen with the help. Anyway, we’re having dinner on Thursday. Some swanky place that he doesn’t think is swanky.”

I laugh. I never thought they’d hit it off, but Jenni calls him on his rich-boy act and he just adores her. It’s a good match. At least for the summer.

I wonder if that’s what people think about me and Carter.

We discuss her outfit for Thursday, deciding on the ever-popular little black dress. I was there when Jenni picked it out. It will blow his mind.

I’m at Chautauqua before I know it. I park in the lot and walk up to the gate, giving a nod to the high-school-age gate attendant. I think she’s in Chautauqua Lake’s select singing group, but I’ve seen her more in the past couple weeks than at any music festival. She scans my pass, bored, and I start the walk to Carter’s house. He usually meets me at the gate. But it’s okay, I know the way.

I brush imaginary lint off my clothes before ringing the doorbell. The lights flash and in an instant, the door is hauled open by a girl with creamy brown skin, brilliant green eyes, and bright-white smile. This goddess is his sister’s friend?

“Hi!” I sign, and gulp, trying to smile.

“Hi!” the girl (Jolene?) signs. “Come in!”

I walk into Carter’s bright living room to find it empty. Apparently, everyone’s in the kitchen. I follow Jolene in her New York City clothes and her bare feet and perfect pedicure. A cute Indian girl is texting. Denise—I know her from Carter’s pictures. She looks up. “You must be Robin! It’s so good to meet you!” she signs and says. Her speech is excellent—the R’s are a little soft, but I wouldn’t know she was deaf unless I noticed her hearing aids.

“Hi,” I sign. “Nice to meet you, too.” It’s easier for me to sign if I’m talking. Carter said that it’s okay for me to do both at once. I guess it messes with the grammar or something, but a lot of hearing people do it.

Jolene grabs a stool and sits down, turning to face me. “I’m Jolene,” she signs, mouthing the words but silently, like Carter. I glance at her ears—no hearing aids, no CI. Like Carter. “I’m a friend of Denise and Carter.”

“Cool,” I sign.

There’s a pause. We look at each other and I give a little smile.

“Carter’s in the bathroom,” Jolene signs, filling space.

Denise says, “Probably blowing it up in there. He’s been gone forever.”

The girls laugh, and I join in reluctantly. I’m not really a bathroom-humor person, and I just met them. Plus they’re talking about my boyfriend. Awkward doesn’t begin to explain it.

“Where is everybody?” I ask. I’d expected Carter’s parents and Trina to be hanging around.

“Trina’s got a thing tonight—some kind of performance or something. Anyway, we have the house to ourselves,” says Denise, signing along.

“Cool,” I sign.

No hearing people. None. Except me. I am an island.

I hear footsteps running down the stairs and Carter steps into the kitchen. He is gorgeous as always, and a smile lights his face as he sees me. I smile back.

“Robin!” He signs the songbird-sign name that he gave me on the carousel.

“Aw so cute!” Denise signs. She signs my sign name, and I feel inexplicably violated. That’s mine. Nothing to do with her.

I smile at her. “Thanks,” I sign. She’s just trying to be nice, I remind myself. Inclusive.

Carter hugs me one-handed and kisses the top of my head. “Pizza?” he signs.

I snuggle into him, the warmth from his arm enfolding me for a second. “Okay,” I sign, and he gets on his phone, ordering online.

“Twenty minutes,” he signs.

He and Denise start signing rapid-fire to each other. I have no idea what it’s about. Jolene turns to face me.

“Come on, let’s chat in the living room,” she signs slowly, an encouraging smile on her gorgeous face. “Those two are fighting about who’s leaving their clothes on the bathroom floor.” That sentence is so out of left field, she has to repeat it twice. I follow her to the living room and sit on one pristine white couch, curling a leg under me.

“Tell me about yourself,” she signs and says.

“I love music,” I say first. “I’m a waitress. I live in Westfield and I’ve lived there my whole life.”

“Tell me about Carter! How did you two get together?” She’s too nice. This is not okay.

“He… came to my… diner.” I spell it because I forgot how to sign “restaurant.”

“On his motorcycle?” she asks, a glint in her eye.

I nod. I can’t find the words to say that he was charming and funny and his handwriting was perfect and we waved at each other like first graders through the whole meal. So I just nod.

“Isn’t that motorcycle hot?”

I nod again. “We… went to an… overlook.” I have to spell the last word again.

She grins. “And that’s where he kissed you?” she asks.

Am I seeing this right? Did she just ask where he kissed me? Do I have to answer this?

“No,” I sign. Then I remember that he pulled me to my knees and kissed the back of my hand. It must show on my face, because she gives me a look.

I cave, signing “kiss” and pointing to the back of my hand.

She puts a hand over her heart. “So cute. Isn’t he—” and she signs a word I don’t know.

“I don’t know that sign,” I sign, a phrase I use way too often.

“R-o-m-a-n-t-i-c,” she spells, then signs it again: “Isn’t he romantic?”

“Yes.” I nod. Wait. How does she know he’s romantic? My eyebrows crinkle without my brain’s permission.

“We dated,” she signs. “A long time ago.” She brushes it off, but he never told me. I stare at her again—cut cheekbones, naturally curly hair that’s lightened in the summer sun, and those eyes… They dated?

She waves to get Carter’s attention and he ambles over, a strained smile on his face.

“Carter!” she signs. “You never told Robin we dated?”

The smile falters for a second. “No,” he signs, shrugging his shoulders like it’s no big deal, but he won’t meet my eyes.

Jolene turns back to me. “It was a long time ago,” she reiterates. “Ninth grade. I’m more friends with Denise now.” My brain reels with translation. I understand her about three seconds after she’s done and I nod. I look over at Carter. He swallows.

“We go to the same school,” he signs.

I nod. And he never told me. It must mean something. It means something. I give him a tight smile.

“I’m going to see what Denise is doing,” Jolene signs, leaving the room.

When she is securely engaged in conversation with Denise, I turn to Carter. “What?” I sign.

He pulls the little notebook out from his pocket. “I meant to tell you,” he writes. “I did, but it’s still so awkward and I just wanted to pretend it wasn’t happening.”

“So tell me!” I write.

I sit, shaking my head, stealing glances at the two girls signing to each other in the kitchen, while he writes. Finally, he shows me the paper.

“We dated for about half of ninth grade, but she got a CI and I didn’t and we haven’t hung out much since then. We’re on opposite ends of the same group of friends. This is the first time I’ve spend any amount of time with her in years.”

I look up. “She has a CI?” I sign. “She’s not wearing it.”

He frowns. “She’s not?” He glances back at her, although she’s too far away and her hair is too full and curly to see her ears. “I didn’t notice,” he writes. “I don’t know what that’s all about.”

I give him a look.

“I promise!” he signs, and he’s such a terrible liar I know that he’s telling the truth.

“Okay,” I sign. He reaches for my hand and I kiss his. I give Jolene one more sidelong look. “She’s just really pretty,” I sign.

“…and she knows it,” he signs one-handed.

I laugh. “I’m really pretty!” I sign, pursing my lips into a sassy face.

“Yes, you are,” he signs, and he leans forward, kissing me softly. I close my eyes and let his spiced-orange scent soothe my raw nerves.

The lights flash and he pulls away, glancing to the light switch. The girls aren’t there, though, so it must be the doorbell.

“Pizza!” he signs and hops off the couch. I sit for a second, then haul myself up and make myself walk into the kitchen. I smile at the girls, who are getting glasses down from the cupboards.

“Need help?” I sign.

They wave me off as Carter opens the front door.

“Pizza?” the guy says. I can’t see him, but I hear him realize that Carter is deaf.

“PIZ-ZA?” the guy says. “YOU ORDERED PIZZA?”

Denise hides a little smile behind her hand and starts signing to Jolene, who laughs. It’s not like Carter’s musical laugh. It’s like she was trained in laughter by TV sitcoms or something. Carter shuts the door and turns to us, pizzas in hand.

“YOU ORDERED PIZZA?” he mouths, overexaggerated. They all laugh.

He plops the pizzas on the kitchen table but throws his arm around me and escorts me to the living room. He pulls me down onto the couch next to him, our backs to the kitchen so it’s just us.

“Sorry we were interrupted by pizza,” he signs. “You okay?” His forehead nearly touches mine.

I nod.

“I love you,” he signs, his hand pressing to my heart.

“I love you,” I sign, pressing my hand to his.

He kisses me once. Soft. Sweet. Then he leans his forehead on mine and kisses my nose before pulling back. “Now let’s eat,” he signs with a grin.

We sit at the high counter and grab slices from the box. Jolene takes a bite and makes a face. “Not like New York pizza,” she signs.

I take a bite of my own thick-crusted, pepperoni-topped slice, a silent reply echoing in my brain: Actually, it is New York pizza. It was made here, in New York. New York is a lot bigger than one city.

But Carter just laughs and agrees, nodding and signing “Yes!” with one hand. He puts down his pizza.

“Remember that time when,” he signs, and that’s all I catch. His hands take off at a speed I’ve never seen before. Jolene picks it up, then Denise, and the conversation hops from person to person so fast it’s impossible for me to keep up. I catch a few words I know—hungry, pizza, cheese—then it looks like some giant mess happened. I laugh when the girls laugh, but I have no idea what’s going on. The girls go to the kitchen to refill their pop and Carter looks at me, glowing. “This is my real life,” he signs. “This is what it’s like back home.”

I nod and squeeze his hand.

“You doing okay?” he asks.

“Yeah,” I sign.

“You understand everything?”

“Maybe… ?” I weigh my hands back and forth with a confused smile and he laughs. With his voice. Like that day weeks ago sitting right in this spot. Cloud nine is way below me.

I come back to Earth when the girls reenter, pop in hand.

“What have you been doing in NYC?” Carter asks.

“Not much,” Denise answers. Then she starts talking about coffee and this guy who’s really snooty… Jolene takes it over, impersonating the snooty guy with a quirk in her eyebrows and a tilt of her neck, and Carter laughs with her, like he just laughed with me. The laugh I have heard twice in three weeks she gets after only two hours. The meal continues in a haze of half stories and not-quite-understood jokes.

By the time pizza is finished, my brain hurts from translating and my ears are aching for music, voices, sound of any kind. Every single conversation boasts how much Jolene knows him—how much she’s always known him. And how much I don’t.

By the time Denise goes upstairs to call her boyfriend, Carter is practically a different person. He and Jolene reminisce and I nod occasionally, not bothering to stop them when they sign too fast or don’t explain a joke. I’m the third wheel with my own boyfriend.

Keeping an eye on the clock, I break up their conversation at eleven, signing, “Sorry, it’s time for me to go.”

His face falls. “You want me to walk you to the car?” he asks.

“No thanks,” I sign. Of course I want him to walk me to the car. Why did he even ask? He always walks me to the car.

He looks closer “You sure?” he asks.

I nod.

“Okay… ,” he signs.

I sigh. “Nice to meet you,” I sign to Jolene. “Bye to Denise, too. See you again soon!”

Jolene waves at me. “Great to meet you, too!” she signs. She stands up and gives me a hug. “See you tomorrow!” They’re coming for breakfast tomorrow at the restaurant.

Carter walks me to the door and waves, shutting the door behind me.

I let out the breath that’s been sitting in the top of my chest. My shoulders relax for the first time all evening, and I shake my wrists out like I’m about to start a solo. Trudging up the hill to the gatehouse, I inhale the scent of sweet flowers and trees I smelled on the night Carter first kissed me. The final notes of a concert waft through the air. Audience members mill around in resort wear, stopping at the coffee shop or the ice-cream shop and discussing the concert or tomorrow’s plans. I blend into the crowd and bathe in voices that aren’t mine, letting them wash over me. Little staccato laughs and deep baritone drones and soothing murmurs. I never knew I could miss speech so much. My sigh joins the cacophony. My throbbing headache starts to ebb.

A man is playing his violin on the lawn in the park. The familiar tunes wash over me—“Beautiful Dreamer,” “Yellow Rose of Texas,” “My Old Kentucky Home.” I dig in my pocket for a dollar for his violin case. First, I wish that Carter was there, and then I’m glad he’s not.

It doesn’t sit well.