Chapter 8

Carter

I glide into the parking lot, wiping down and covering my bike before heading across the street to the gatehouse, where I scan in and walk to the house. Even though I have a key (and nobody really locks things around here anyway), I ring the doorbell to flick the lights and let everyone know I’m home. My mom peeks her head around as I take my boots off at the door.

“Carter!” she signs. “Glad you’re back. Dinner’s almost ready. Fresh tomatoes from the farm stand down the road!”

She is too excited about those tomatoes. “Got it,” I sign with a smile. She’s got a love-hate relationship with our summers in the country. On one side of her mouth, she laments the lack of specialty food stores whereas on the other side she’s praising the size of our kitchen and the cheap, fresh produce. Sadly (for her), we leave before Labor Day, when harvest kicks into full gear.

I head up to my room and check my phone as I change into shorts. No text from Robin. I have a couple from my friends back home. Subway issues, Daniel’s house, Jolene… I read and reread every word, trying to imagine that I’m back in New York.

The lights flicker and I turn to the doorway. Trina’s there. “Dinner’s ready,” she signs and turns to skip back down the stairs.

Dinner smells like stir-fry. My mom’s been on this Asian kick lately. Evidently the combination of ginger and soy is supposed to slow the hands of time or something. I don’t know—she saw it on Doctor Something-or-Other’s TV show.

By the time I arrive, everyone else is sitting at the table. I slide into my seat and clasp my hands together like the rest of my family. It’s not really a prayer. It’s more of a moment of silence. A kind of signal that the meal has started. My parents are incredibly intentional people, as you can tell by our family—three deaf kids, all adopted far enough apart that each had time for a ton of attention while we were learning the important stuff. You know, like reading and writing and living with one foot in the hearing world and one in the Deaf world. So meals, like everything else, are intentional.

The moment of silence is supposed to be a moment to gather ourselves and reflect on the day, but we could use it to pray if we want, I guess. I don’t. I think about the overlook. Maybe I’ll take Robin there tomorrow. The overlook makes me think of the sunset, the pictures I took, the soul sense. What happens to those of us who don’t have a soul sense? Can we get a fake one? Like my sister’s fake sense of hearing? Or are we just fine without it? Like me.

As I open my eyes, I realize that I’m the last person to do so. Everybody else is passing food, and the stir-fry is sitting at my elbow.

I give myself a generous helping and lean back, ready to pack it in. The Reuben seems like a long time ago. Compulsively, I check my phone. Nothing from Robin. Still. Maybe it was a bad idea to give her my number. I look up to see my dad waiting for me to see him.

“You were gone for a long time,” he signs.

“Yeah,” I sign. “Took the bike out. It was beautiful.”

“The bike or the weather?” my dad signs, smiling. His bike is a BMW R 1200 R, and I think one of his proudest moments was when I got my motorcycle license. I think he hopes that I’ll follow in his footsteps and become an architect someday. Maybe I will. I don’t know what I want to do, though. Jolene once told me that I should be a model, which is stupid. That’s just something girls say.

“The bike and the weather,” I sign back, grinning.

Trina bumps my elbow. “Or was it a girl?” Her little fingers fly and she grins.

Crap.

I shrug.

My mom’s fork hangs in midair, not quite to her mouth. Trina realizes she struck gold.

“A girl?! A girl?!” Her hand fairly flies off her chin.

“I don’t know,” I sign weakly, avoiding eye contact. I suck at this. My face always gives away everything before I decide to say it.

“What’s she like?” my dad signs. He’s measured, as always, but smiling.

“Cute,” I sign. I try to be offhanded about it.

Trina claps her hands with a huge grin. My mom’s grimace tells me that my little sister is probably also squealing.

“Eeeee!” my mom signs in an arc, pointing at Trina and rolling her eyes, confirming my suspicion.

“What else?” Trina says. “Is she local? Is she hearing?”

“Yes,” I say, “and yes.”

Mom and Dad exchange a look. My dad flicks up his eyebrows and my mom cocks her head, and I see an entire conversation happen in that one look.

They’re shocked. Skeptical. Not because they don’t like hearing people.

Because I don’t.

And that sounds really trite and kind of elitist, but I just… Hearing people are always trying to fix me. They think everyone should be like them. Everyone should speak English and listen to music, and if I don’t want to, well, why wouldn’t I want to?

But I don’t. I don’t want to listen to music. I don’t want to speak English. I don’t want to dance. I don’t need any more people staring at me.

In middle school, I went through a phase where I tried to act hearing. I wore band T-shirts. I carried an iPod. I had my room wired up with a huge sound system. I had sub-woofers that would shake the apartment. I even got this fancy system that flashed lights in rhythm with the beat of the music. My friends and I went to concerts and screamed along with everybody else. My YouTube showed me music videos, with their crazy story lines and characters. It all seemed so forced. So… inauthentic. In about ninth grade, I just got sick of it.

Most deaf people aren’t as jaded as I am. I promise. And I try not to be a jerk about it. I really do. It’s just, I don’t need to be fixed. There are fewer and fewer of us left to “fix” anyway.

Thanks to the almighty CI.

I look at my plate to avoid any more conversation. I manage to find stir-fry interesting for about ninety seconds. When I do look up, though, everybody is still staring at me.

“More!” signs Trina.

I have a flashback of her as a baby, signing “More!” It was adorable. I shovel more food on her plate.

She gives me a withering look. She must be getting older—she’s getting really good at that. “More about the girl! What’s her name?”

“Robin,” I spell.

Trina clasps her hands over her heart. “Awww! So cute! Can I meet her?”

“No,” I sign.

She looks at Mom. “Mom!”

“Carter doesn’t have to introduce you to anybody he doesn’t want to.”

“Does she know ASL?” Trina asks.

I shrug, but I know the answer. No, she doesn’t.

“How will you talk?” Trina continues. “Bet you wish you had an implant now!”

“All right. That’s enough,” my dad breaks in. “Leave him alone.”

She rolls her eyes and settles back into her chair. “Fine,” she signs.

“Don’t worry,” Dad signs. “We’ll return the favor when you have a boyfriend.”

Trina’s face lights up. “Is she your girlfriend?!”

“No,” I sign. “She’s a girl. A nice girl.”

“A beautiful girl,” corrects Trina.

I look at my dad.

“Enough,” he signs. Again.

We all go back to eating.

Mom and Dad converse about work, weather, dinner, etc., etc. I space out until my mom points a question at me.

“What are you doing tomorrow?”

I shrug once more, but I’m not fooling anyone. Trina’s eyes light up.

“Bike ride,” I sign.

My dad raises an eyebrow. “Where and when?”

“Westfield. I’ll leave around 3:30 and get back before dark. Why?”

“Does she live in Westfield?” breaks in Trina before my parents can answer.

I roll my eyes. “Yes!” I say. That little girl has had nine years of practice in bugging a big brother; she’s an expert. “She lives in Westfield. She is about this tall,” I gesture to a spot right below my shoulders. “She has dark hair and blue eyes. She’s a waitress at this diner. We write notes. She likes my bike. She wears capri pants and her hair is in a ponytail. She can carry a tray by balancing it on her shoulder and her hand. She is funny. And smart. And probably about my age. Tomorrow, she gets off of work at four. You happy?”

“Very,” the cute little blond devil signs smugly.