“It is not my ability, but my response to God’s ability that counts.”
—Corrie ten Boom
AS I CONTINUED TO BUILD my spiritual muscle by expressing my gratitude, burying my lies, and starting the process of forgiveness, I started to notice a subtle change in how I was functioning in the world. I stopped analyzing and began listening more deeply to myself as I relied on my heart to guide me and move me forward.
So rather than just thinking something like, “I will be used for a larger purpose,” I started getting in touch with parts of me that I’d long undervalued or neglected. When I listened to my heart, I naturally served others. My heart and my actions were finally aligning. Things I couldn’t resolve through analytics were accepted and embraced through the wisdom of my heart.
I hadn’t left logic behind. There’s nothing wrong with using logic and good information to make good decisions. That’s smart. Logic, information, data, knowledge, analysis . . . it’s all important. But those things are simply tools in our toolbox. Heart wisdom, I discovered, allows us to use those tools the right way.
In some ways, this transformation came naturally as a result of the exercises I was doing to develop spiritual muscle. But I found I was still struggling to truly understand heart wisdom. And the most challenging thing about heart wisdom, I learned, is that it’s not a tool you can pick up at a local store. In fact, it’s not a thing at all—it’s a process and a knowing.
During the first few months following my experience in New York, I began to do the hard work needed to build my spiritual muscle. But I made the mistake of thinking I’d arrived. My life was different, but I soon realized that I hadn’t come to the end of the line; it was just a part of the journey.
The journey—yours and mine—involves a never-ending process of making our way through life, stumbling at times, and learning the life lessons that turn all our intellectual knowledge into something of real value: heart wisdom. We develop that type of wisdom during the pauses—the “in-between” phases of life, as some have called it—and then gently apply it as we keep on living. In many cases, these pauses provide the deepest value to our lives, more value than the action itself. Those pauses give us the knowing, not the doing.
My marriage provided the most powerful example I can think of to illustrate this point. When Libby and I began dating, I had no trouble following my heart. I didn’t need to put the pros and cons on paper. I knew I wanted to marry her. I listened to my heart. And even though the marriage didn’t survive, ending in August 2012, we experienced tremendous blessings along the way. We had a son together, of course, but that was just one of the blessings that came from our marriage.
During our twelve years of marriage, and in the time since, I truly began to understand the power of heart wisdom. Much of that heart wisdom actually came as a result of our struggles.
Not long after we returned from our honeymoon, her dad shared some great advice about protecting my marriage from the destructive forces that inevitably would come between us: the demands of our careers, the lure of false ideals, friends with different values. I received an immense amount of wisdom from him about the journey of marriage, but I didn’t have the experiences to fully grasp all that he was sharing with me at the time. It was head knowledge and wasted wisdom. And while I put a great deal of head knowledge into trying to solve the various challenges we faced in our marriage, I simply lacked the heart wisdom—or the knowing—to pull us through some harder times.
I’ve since discovered that once we begin living into alignment with our values and believing in faith, the wisdom of our heart, our life experiences begin to shape that wisdom. Then we begin to see more clearly how we are best able to apply the things we know.
Failure is an important part of the process of developing heart wisdom. If we let ourselves get in the victim mind-set, as I so often have over the years, we never truly learn. We pass the buck, make excuses, and blame everything and everybody but ourselves.
I got into the radio business against the advice of many people who were accomplished and successful radio industry veterans, but it was a heart decision. While my colleagues and I had our share of trials and tribulations, I don’t ever regret getting into that business. Then I got into the printing business—partly out of anger and fear and feeling like I had to prove myself, but partly because printing fascinated me. I felt drawn to it in my heart. I didn’t know much more than how to operate a desktop printer, but I somehow knew I’d love the printing business. And I did.
My real mistakes always came when I stopped following my heart and started beating myself up for the failures that simply were part of my learning process. I had yet to realize that life is one long and wonderful learning opportunity, where there is no such thing as failure, only experiences. I often was so blinded by trying to atone for the family I was born into and trying to prove myself to others that I gave myself no grace or ever asked myself what opportunities might come from the experience. I would berate myself and second-guess myself into oblivion, and then I’d go right back to my old ways: trying to appease others and prove myself to others rather than embracing all the value of the lessons I had learned.
It’s not always easy to love yourself—all the parts of yourself—in a non-narcissistic type of way, but that’s what it takes. If we don’t learn to love and accept ourselves, we’re always in danger of going back to our old ways. To develop heart wisdom and a true knowing, we have to love ourselves for our failures, for our successes, and, most importantly, for the things we have yet to learn.
God can help us learn from everything that happens in life, though sometimes we don’t embrace the lessons or see the good that can come out of it until a while down the road. It’s during the difficult periods—the in-between phases—that we learn the most. That’s when we have to apply faith to an outcome we can’t necessarily see.
George Müller, a well-known Prussian evangelist of the nineteenth century, once said, “Faith does not operate in the realm of the possible. There is no glory for God in that which is humanly possible. Faith begins where man’s power ends.” And he didn’t just say it, he lived it. Müller never took a salary as director of the New Orphan Houses in Bristol, England, and he never asked for donations to that cause, yet he built a campus that served more than ten thousand orphans.
In perhaps the most famous example of his faith, Müller once gave thanks for breakfast even though he had nothing to feed the children. As he closed his prayer, there was a knock on the door. A baker had decided to bring by some fresh bread, and a milkman’s cart had broken down right in front of the orphanage. Müller didn’t know how his prayers would be answered that morning, but he never lacked faith that God would provide.
Müller’s faith defies logic. Logic persuades us to play it safe, to avoid the risks of life rather than trust in God’s plan. Faith begins when we realize we can’t think our way out of our dilemmas and painful situations and we begin to trust in a plan greater than ourselves.
When we become quiet and listen to the pauses during the in-between pieces of our lives, we can hear our hearts and the heart wisdom that frees us to actually begin living.
I AM COMING TO TERMS with something a friend shared with me two years ago: We’re all “imperfectly perfect.” Accepting that has freed me to listen to my heart wisdom because it allows me to accept that I’m always changing and, hopefully, improving. There is no state of perfection. I never have to get to a state of being in total alignment; rather, I’m always in the process of living into alignment.
Starting that cycle isn’t easy. Our minds can rationalize anything, justify anything, and convince us of anything. So we have to work to trust our heart—a muscle that is creative, intuitive, and grounded in a truth that’s born of our shared experiences. The very idea of trusting heart wisdom can seem counterintuitive, but allow me to share some areas in which trusting heart wisdom has helped me live with more faith and joy.
First, heart wisdom helps develop authentic spiritual muscle. As a young adult, I would have said I had a lot of spiritual muscle. I’d followed the trappings of religion: I’d gone to church, tried to be a believer, and convinced myself that my relationship with God was solid.
It wasn’t until I found myself living in a state of crisis that I realized I was rationalizing and not feeling. My relationship with God went one way: with me asking God for things I wanted and not listening to what He said I needed. There’s a big difference between what we think we want and what we actually need, and it’s the difference between relying on the head instead of the heart.
Second, heart wisdom creates a more decisive leader and caring person. When we are facing a decision and gathering the facts, our head often presents counterarguments to each and every position. Our heart, however, knows the score. It doesn’t waffle on truth. When is the truth not the truth? The heart knows the answer: never.
The more we trust our heart wisdom, the quicker we make decisions. We can enter unexpected situations with unknown variables and make sound decisions in seconds.
Third, heart wisdom helps relationships with other people. The heart doesn’t need to control other people because it knows we’re never going to control another person. The best we can hope for is to influence another person’s life in a positive way. By embracing this, we also make it a simple decision to determine who we want to surround ourselves with on a daily basis.
This hit home for me following my divorce, when I realized that more than half the people in the photos on my “wall of friends” hadn’t reached out to me at all since I had moved out of the house with Libby. People going through a divorce need family and friends in their lives, just as they would during any other loss. A loved one hasn’t died, but it’s the death of a significant relationship, and they need people around them to comfort them as they grieve. The fact that a number of “friends” of mine didn’t show up—their actions spoke for themselves—was actually a relief. I value people who value me, and from this experience I dramatically pared down the number of people I invest time in and with.
Fourth, heart wisdom generates authentic forgiveness. There’s a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Reconciliation is something we sometimes have to do, and it requires two people. Forgiveness only takes one person, and we do it to move on with our lives. When people hurt us, it’s like the bite of a rattlesnake. We can choose to dwell on the poison from the bite or expunge it and move on with our lives. The reality is that a snake is a snake, and it has since gone on to bite more people and has completely forgotten about ever biting us.
Until we actually let ourselves feel the full impact of forgiveness from the heart, we won’t be able to move on and rebuild. As I continue to learn to forgive myself, I am freed to forgive others, and once I begin forgiving others, I am free to experience joy more fully.
Fifth, heart wisdom makes us meek—and strong. People who are selfless (the big “S”) and in touch with their hearts will know the real joys and riches around them. They will be fulfilled by relationships, by feeling love, by being accepted, and by living a life of peace in their hearts. Contrary to popular belief, meek means powerful.
This goes against everything that our head, our ego, and much of our society tell us, because we want to put ourselves first, not other people’s interests. The greater truths come when we listen to the heart and it says, “This is not all about me. It’s about serving. The more I serve, the more filled I am.”
Sixth, heart wisdom is healthy. When we live with heart wisdom and in forgiveness, we breathe freely. And breathing freely is a great source for improving our mental, physical, and emotional health. Why are antianxiety drugs some of the most prescribed medications in the country? Because when the head and heart are in conflict, the friction creates tremendous doubt, worry, and fear. Heart wisdom aligns the head and the heart to live with the courage that’s born of faith.
It’s all about getting clear on who you are and what you want out of life. I continue to choose to stop putting myself into situations that don’t bring me joy. I was constantly doing things because I thought I needed to be visible. I began sleeping a lot better when I removed these events from my life, as well as when I started investing in the right people. Another example is hunting. I once loved to hunt, but being around guns now brings me anxiety. I hope that lifts completely someday, as I would love to hunt again. The point here is that I finally had to come clean with some of my friends who were always inviting me to go hunting, instead of having my “excuse de jour” on why I couldn’t join them.
Seventh, and finally, heart wisdom drives out fear and takes advantage of pain. Fear comes from the head and pain comes from the heart. Fear wants to paralyze us, while pain helps us make clearer decisions.
When I feel pain in my heart I’m alerted to my deepest needs. The heart uses pain to get our attention. That’s how heart knowledge knows the difference between right and wrong: because there’s no pain when things are right.
When we honestly confront an issue and live from the heart, our heart is in sync with our brain, the world opens up, and we have greater clarity and purpose. People around us feel this and are attracted to that special sense of an extraordinary leader—not just a leader in the business world, but a life leader. And the strange and funny thing is that we become extraordinary life leaders by doing things that are very ordinary. We are just doing them repetitively, step by step and day by day. Through this process we build spiritual muscle and sustainable action, as we learn to live into alignment. We can live a very remarkable life by just listening to our hearts.