23. Be Wary of Marrying a Giver, Taker, or Matcher. (Get This Right!)

This one could end up being a big piece of advice, and I hope I’m on target with this, as it can make a significant and profound difference in your life.

When—or if (you don’t have to get married)—you get married, or even have a serious long-term relationship with someone, here’s one of the biggest personality traits you need to look for in them:

You need to decide whether that person is a Giver, a Taker, or a Matcher.

I learned about this concept through the book Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success by Adam Grant. Here’s the low-down.

Giver.

This is someone who tends to give first and not need much of a reason to do it (a great quality). Grant gives some insights :

“Givers are a relatively rare breed. They tilt reciprocity in the other direction, preferring to give more than they get.”

“Givers and Takers differ in their attitudes and actions toward other people. If you’re a Taker, you help others strategically, when the benefits to you outweigh the personal costs. If you’re a Giver, you might use a different cost-benefit analysis: you help whenever the benefits to others exceed the personal costs.”

Taker.

Takers basically think, “If I don’t look out for myself, no one will.” Here’s what Grant says about these:

“Takers have a distinctive signature: they like to get more than they give. They tilt reciprocity in their own favor, putting their own interests ahead of others’ needs. Takers believe that the world is a competitive, dog-eat-dog place. They feel that to succeed, they need to be better than others.”

Matcher.

And finally, here’s what Grant says about these:

“Matchers strive to preserve an equal balance of giving and getting. Matchers operate on the principle of fairness: when they help others, they protect themselves by seeking reciprocity. If you’re a Matcher, you believe in tit-for-tat, and your relationships are governed by even exchanges of favors.”

Now, Give and Take generally talks about the workplace . . . but I want you to think about it on the personal level. A Giver will give of themselves without looking for a return, a Taker is more strategic and tends to put their own needs first, and a Matcher will give if given to first.

To be happier in life, I whole-heartedly give the advice to look for a Giver. If you’re both Givers you’ll have a much happier life, and if you’re a Giver while your spouse/significant other is a Taker or Matcher you’ll spend a lot of time and energy trying to please them. Your needs will be sacrificed for theirs—and my dears . . . you’re far too important for that to happen.

Honestly, I’d try to establish this personality trait of a potential partner as early on as possible. If they don’t have the trait of a Giver, I’d quite literally not take the next step with them. Of course, that may be hard when attraction and matters of the heart are involved—but I think it’s very important.

That’s why I’m giving this advice, after all. So please take it to heart. Again, I believe it’ll make a very big difference in your life.

And with that, please know that, once again, I love you dearly.

Advice in Practice:

• Take a good read of the book Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success by Adam Grant. Listen to it on Audible, or get the Philosopher’s Note from Optimize.me, or however you like to read. And take it to heart.
• Figure out the tell-tale signs of Givers versus Takers and Matchers. Watch carefully how someone treats a waiter or waitress. See if they do things for you unexpectedly, without expecting something in return. That’s key. Someone trying to court you may want something in return, and often it’s physical. Watch that carefully, please.
• Does the person of interest seem to have a lot of empathy? Are they kind? (You already know this, as I’ve mentioned it here a lot, but that to me is the most important quality in a human being.) Do they return things they borrow? Have they ever stolen something? (If they have, you’re probably dealing with a Taker.)
• Work on this list yourself and see if you can categorize some of your family members and friends as practice. Then check out the people you date. For real!
• If you’re in a relationship with a Matcher—or worse, a Taker—please realize that they’re probably not going to change. If you try to change them, that’s honorable, but probably a little fruitless. Look at the things that tip you off about their behavior, and maybe use them as fuel to make your escape. It hurts, it really does, especially because you’re probably a Giver yourself . . . but it will be much better for you to end it sooner rather than later.
• If they are a Giver, please know that’s only one criterion of a potential spouse. It’s not gospel. They need other traits too! But if they’re a Taker, that’s a red flag. Don’t marry them .

As for yourself, realize that it’s okay to be a Giver, and feel free to cultivate it in your life! You are perfect, and so very deserving.