24. Plan—and Work—to Keep Romance Thriving.

My sweethearts. This one is close to my heart. I can’t write a collection of lessons to you without talking about and giving some advice on romance. It’s so important to life. It’s the wonderful marinade that makes everything better.

You may or may not know (but I’m pretty sure you do) that your dad is an incurable romantic. I love LOVE. I love holding your mom’s hand, and I love knowing that I get to surprise and delight her at times.

I’ve done some wonderfully romantic, sometimes over-the-top gestures, like our twentieth anniversary “movie showing,” or whisking your mom away for some pre-planned (but still surprising) weekends away.

You see that, and you’ve experienced it.

In fact, as I write this, your beautiful mom and I just got back from our anniversary trip through Venice, Florence, and Rome, Italy. It was absolutely magical. We spent more time together, laughing and holding hands, than we have in many years. We needed it, and it will always remain one of the greatest memories of my life.

But I also feel like I haven’t always done enough. There have been times in my life when I feel that I’ve flat-out taken your mom and our love for granted. That pains me, but it’s good because it motivates me to do more now—and also to share this advice with you.

The title of this lesson begins with the words “plan” and “work.” That’s intentional. The thing is, romance doesn’t always come easily. There’s a life cycle to love and romance, and I want you to experience this in all its vivid hues, sounds, and exquisite feelings.

It can begin with a cosmic BOOM . Your whole world is turned inside out—but in the best of ways. You feel like every breath needs to be spent living for your beloved. The rush of new love makes everything brighter—you can literally hear birds chirping almost everywhere. Every breath is exhilarating. In fact, remember the last chapter? Add this paragraph to the advice on attraction. It’s so important to have this kind of blissful attraction and experience. It’s life-giving, life-affirming, and it makes everything in the world worthwhile.

I remember, over twenty-two years ago now, thinking that if I had your mom, this exquisite, extraordinary, beautiful woman, as my wife . . . it wouldn’t matter what else happened in my life—I would always be happy and fulfilled. It was such a strong feeling, and I believed it intensely. I can still feel that powerful pull on my heart today .

I remember talking to your Aunt Laura, my sweet Seefa, about marriage and love and planning to make a life with your mom. She said something to me that I still remember: that white-hot, fiery passion fades over time. When she told me this, I didn’t believe it.

No , no , I thought, not for me! I’m Mr. Romance! I’ll always feel this passion!

But . . .

As it turns out, your aunt was right. That white-hot passion does wane some over the years. The dirty dishes pile up . . . the monotony of life creeps into the cracks and crevices of a loving relationship . . . and the fire dims.

Aunt Laura was saying this to emphasize to me that a true relationship and marriage should be based on a lot more than passion. You need to be friends. You need to talk and communicate. You need to be on the same team and support each other—because life can be hard. You will experience some tragedy. Death and depression will touch us all.

To face this, you need a true partner, not just a lover.

But there still needs to be a spark, an attraction, and romance in life. I’m reminded of one of my favorite lines in the movie Dead Poets Society .

“We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering—these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love . . . these are what we stay alive for.”

— Robin Williams as John Keating

Love and romance. Showing your person in life that they are wonderful, that they are special to you . . . this too is a noble pursuit.

The fact is, this person is picking YOU. They’re spending their time, their efforts, and their love on you. And they should be rewarded for that. You should do almost everything in your power, in your creativity and in your love, to make it special to be with you.

It will make them feel better—but as we discuss throughout this book, when you do something good for someone else, it will make you feel better, too.

So make romance a priority in your life. Plan and work to make it happen. Sometimes you may not even feel like it . . . but it’s too important to let slide. You need to make the time for dates with your loved one.

Something I’ve learned is that when your relationship with your love isn’t right . . . nothing in your world is right.

So, then, the question is how do we do it? What if you’re telling me, “I’m not particularly romantic”?

That’s not good enough.

Romance is a skill. It can be learned, developed, practiced, and honed. If you don’t practice it and try it, then your life will lose that beautiful technicolor brightness that makes everything so sweet.

What matters is that initial effort and decision that you’re going to do something magnificent and loving for your partner. Decide to be romantic, recognize its value, and feel that you want to show romance for your partner. Uncover the reasons why this should be important to you. Then, as Rohn says, “When the why gets big enough, the how gets easy.”

HOW DO WE BE ROMANTIC?

In the simplest terms, you’re romantic by showing love to your partner. Displays of romance are really best when you enact them in a way that’s meaningful to your partner. You want them to know you think about them, that they’re important to you, and that you’ll do anything for them. You can show them that in words, of course, but I think it’s more impactful if you show it in deeds.

You need to plan to be romantic!

If you do a regular “check-in” like I advise, that can even be one of the roles in your life that you examine on a fairly frequent basis. Tony Robbins has his COIs, or “Categories of Improvement,” and one of those categories can be given a name like “Sorcerer of Sensuality,” or “Pioneer of Passion.” (Of course, it could just be a boring category name like “Romance.”)

The thing is, if you regularly ask yourself how you’re doing in that area of life, it will spur you to do more romantic things. It will keep the idea of romance alive for you and place it on the pedestal in life where it belongs.

You need a trigger, something that reminds you to show romance. Even if you have a regular date night, that can turn into a too-comfortable, ho-hum experience unless you bring some romance into it. I have a few ideas about that, and I’ll share them in the Advice in Practice section of this lesson, but it’s something you need to think about for yourself. How do you remind yourself to be romantic when a lot of life seems to get in the way?

After you’ve decided romance is important and you’ve set up a system to remind you to do it . . . it’s time to actually show some love!

This is the fun part for me, as it’s a chance to truly delight your mom. It lets my creativity out to play, and a noble pursuit is engaged: romance!

Can you guess what I’m going to say about how to do this?

[pausing . . . pausing . . . pausing]

That’s right: MAKE AN IDEA LIST! An Idea List of ways to surprise and delight your sweetheart. To me, these are the most fun. I’ve done it several times, and I’ve gotten many, many ideas socked away on my Evernote.

But wait—I’m getting ahead of myself.

An Idea List is important, but it’s even better if you use OPOA first .

That is, figure out the ideal Outcome of what you’d like to have happen (i.e., my partner feels overwhelmingly loved, appreciated, supported, and celebrated when they see what I’ve made happen for them).

Then you think about the Purpose of what you’re doing (i.e., romance is important, so I’m keeping our love alive and celebrating this very special person).

Think about any Obstacles that may be in your way—maybe you have kids who need to be babysat, maybe you’re struggling financially, or maybe work schedules clash. Think about those upfront, and start to devise ways around, over, under, and through them to make this happen.

. . . and then you get ready for ACTION.

The Action is the all-powerful Idea List. Brainstorm at least ten (I prefer fifteen to twenty) ideas of how to make that Outcome happen. Use Google if you need to, or you can ask help from your friends (or your dad, for that matter). Come up with ways to show romance and make your partner feel special.

They deserve it, and so do you.

One last thing I’ll say about this all-important subject of romance: don’t wait for your partner to show it. It’s your responsibility to make it happen. Don’t feel entitled and think they should be doing it for you instead. That kind of thinking chokes a relationship and sows bitterness .

Instead, appreciate the fact that YOU have the ability to make it happen, and that a lifetime of romance is well within your grasp.

I love you so dearly, and I want so much for you to be able to experience a life of romance and love like the one I share with your mother.

Advice in Practice:

• If you’re in a relationship (or, heck, even if you’re not, as it can still be fun and instructive), do a Romance OPOA now. Go over and write out your Outcome, Purpose, Obstacles, and then brainstorm your Actions through an Idea List. Get creative, think about it, meld your ideas and refine them. Experience the thrill of turning these intangible thoughts into something real in our world!
• Do an OPOA and Idea List on how you will keep romance very much alive and a part of your life. Why is romance important to you? What’s your Purpose in doing this? What is the outcome of having romance be a part of your life? What are some of the things that will get in the way of it? What’s going to keep you from allowing a year or two or ten go by without you creating a grand gesture of love for your partner? Do the Idea List with fervor. Really dig deep and think of how you want to make romance happen in your life.
• Keep an Evernote of these romantic ideas. I’ve done several Idea Lists of “How to Make Laura Feel Cherished, Loved, and Appreciated.” I’ll do different ones at different times to make them fresh. Some ideas overlap, but none are ever exactly the same. Think on it and make it fun. These are some of my favorite Idea Lists. Google or Pinterest and clip some pictures that spark your imagination, and use this as a resource when it’s time for romance.
• Make a “Love” playlist. Put all of your favorite love songs on it. Take some time and effort to really get it right. You can share the list with your love, or just keep it for yourself and play it on dates or when you’re thinking about them. Some songs I’d definitely include (but remember: it’s your list) include “Let’s Stay Together” by Al Green, “These Arms of Mine” by Otis Redding, and “Cry to Me” by Solomon Burke. Mmm, mmm! I love these songs! (Ooh, listen to and include “Nothing Can Change This Love” by Sam Cooke. I just started listening to it now.)
• Read The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman. This book is so useful because it’s important to make sure you’re speaking a language your partner understands.
• There’s a book called Light Her Fire: How to Ignite Passion and Excitement in the Woman You Love , by Ellen Kreidman, that I read a long time ago (back when I was courting your mom), and it really helped refine my romantic impulses. If you’re male (I’m looking at you, Alec!) and you’re reading these words . . . read that! She also has a book I assume is just as good called Light His Fire: How to Keep Your Man Passionately and Hopelessly In Love with You . Read these, and more importantly, make a study of this extraordinarily important aspect of life. Again, you and they deserve it.
• Lastly, I’ve included this in the letter “Make and Keep Regular Dates with Your Loved Ones,” but having a regular time that’s scheduled with your loved one is so, so important. I’d recommend scheduling it with them, and take some turns—have them plan a night, and then you plan one. Some will just be a movie and dinner, but those can be changed up. Something cool and unexpected might even happen, too. That’s the beauty of romance!

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