I was right, but this time I hated being right.
Thomas would leave today. He’d be gone for months, not weeks.
I’d hidden my growing belly and pretended to be sickly, to cut him off from my bed.
He frowned at me as he packed his portmanteau. “This is just for a little while.”
I nodded and smiled, lying with my lips. “You do what you must.”
His sigh sounded like ashes coming down from the cones. “Doll, if the situation were reversed, you’d do the same. Nothing ever stopped you from perfecting your business.”
That wasn’t true.
I could harlot my housekeepers. I didn’t. Some hired out their enslaved to whore because it was big business. Wrong is wrong.
“You’re acting like this is forever. I have to do my part to protect my investments. Much is at risk.”
“Don’t look back, Thomas. Don’t blame me for you missing your chance.”
He mussed his hair, then slicked it back. “You’re making this hard.”
“Thomas, how many ways do I have to say go?”
He put on his jade jacket. The silver buttons I stitched jingled. “You could say you love me and you understand. That you’ll not make me feel guilty for making my dream happen.”
Didn’t agree to anything, just gave him his satchel. “Stay safe.”
“Don’t have faith in me? I’m going to come back as soon as I can. Then you and I will get on the Mary and go to Grenada. You’ll meet my father.”
“I can’t leave my family.”
“I’m your family, too. When I return, I want you to start acting like it. Believe in me.”
I held my arms over my stomach, clasping my elbow like it was chain mail, to keep my baby from upset and my glass heart from chipping more. “Be safe.”
He put his hands to his hips. “You stubborn woman.”
I wasn’t stubborn; I was Pa’s word, bogán. A spineless creature unable to tell Thomas how much I needed him, how much this baby did.
“Doll, I’ll be back a success, and you and I will have that trip. Then you will tell me how proud—”
“I am proud of you now. Don’t you know?”
His eyes closed. “I need to be proud of me. You can’t be everything, not my heart and the only successful thing in my life.”
Thomas needed this. My fears of being alone, of birthing this babe alone, none of that was enough to stop him. He’d gotten me closer to my dreams. I should be woman enough to smile and let him go in peace.
But I didn’t move.
He trudged to the bed and took my face in his palms. “Is there a reason you don’t want me to go? Say it now.”
I couldn’t show him what was to come. My gaze soared through him away from the sadness that followed every birth and my new fear of dying, dying alone.
“Doll?”
The words our baby and I love you were on my tongue, burning like lava. “Thomas, I can’t think of a reason to keep you here when you don’t want to be.”
His gaze lifted to the ceiling. “Fine.” He kissed my brow, picked up his portmanteau, and satchel. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
He headed out of the room.
I heard his good-byes to Edward and more promises to Charlotte and Mamaí, even a loud kiss to Frances.
The final slam of the outer door vibrated all the way to me.
Closing my eyes, I whispered my farewell, whispered my hopes he found what he needed.
My stomach retched, and I vomited and vomited again.
On the floor, I loosened my corset and took my first full breath in weeks.
Then I flopped onto my empty bed.
I cried, then lied to my soul. Everything would be fine. I was such a lying bogán.