My house was filled with people, all eating black cake and drinking rum. The rum was courtesy of Cells for my daughter’s wedding celebration.
The chairs I’d borrowed from neighbors left scuff marks against my whitewashed walls.
Mamaí stood beside me, and I leaned my head on her shoulder. “You’re good to me. I don’t know how I would’ve done this for Charlotte, or any of the things you’ve done for Eliza and Frances, without you.”
“Dolly, you need time. Your head is clearing. If you need to go away for a bit, you can do that, too. I’m here.”
My wise mother had taken a side, Cells.
That tarn politicking man convinced Mamaí he deserved another chance. How could she not be swayed? Cells was classic Cells, attentive, working my friends like he did guests at his old parties. If everyone didn’t adore him by the end of the day, it was not because he didn’t try.
My poor Charlotte. She beamed in his presence. I’d cut my tongue out before I cursed and told the truth.
Mamaí smoothed my elbow ruffles. The cream linen had flowers and vines printed on it and on cotton voile gathered about the sleeve and round neckline. I used those London magazines to make it. Someday I’d go there, but not with Cells.
Lizzy came and kissed Mamaí’s and my cheeks. “I have some news, Mama. I’ve been holding off telling you, but with Mr. Cells here, I’m sure he can keep you cheered.”
“Why don’t you tell me? I’ll decide how to stay cheered.”
“Coxall is building a house in Demerara. We’re moving there. He’ll manage more of his father’s investments.”
Both eldest daughters were leaving? “Lizzy, I’m going to miss our Sunday breakfasts.”
“I know. And you will visit me. Won’t you, Mama?”
Return to Demerara? I looked at her sweet face, smiling at me. “I’m not losing you again, Lizzy.”
Coxall came and collected his sobbing wife. “I take it she told you?”
I wiped my wet eyes. “You keep my girl safe.”
“Miss Dolly, I will. I love this woman with everything in me.”
Between the loving and leaving, I needed air and passed Cells preening like the perfect father.
Julien Fédon looked as if he wanted to toss his glass at him.
I wished he would.
Cells represented everything the Fédon boy hated, Anglican and white.
Funny. Cells was actually neither. Like a color-changing iguana going from cold to heat, he merely blended himself into his surroundings.
Shaking my head, I went out to my porch.
Kitty followed and shut the door with a bang. “What a party, Dolly. With Cells and Polk and Mrs. Randolph, it’s like how it used to be.”
The sun was setting. Rain was up in the mountains, but not here.
She splayed the ruffles of her striped blue-and-white gown. “Maybe you need to stop having babies. You always get sad because of them.”
A little hard to tell my womb to stop when I liked a man’s touch. I shrugged. “I keep thinking I’m doing better, Kitty.”
The tap of a goblet rang. Like a bell, it vibrated in my ear. “Cells must be giving a toast, Dolly.”
Kitty peeked through the window. “You loved him once.”
“I was an impressionable girl who needed a hero. I’m my own savior now.”
My sister hugged me. “Mine, too. I think we need to go to church tonight.”
“We left church.”
She wiggled my hips, then clapped a fast rhythm. “No. Your church.”
Cells came outside. “What’s going on here?”
“Worship songs.” Kitty smiled wide and bopped her chin. “I’m going to go check on the babies. Oh, Polk is playing his banjo.”
She danced into my parlor.
Cells folded his arms. “Going to tell me about your life here in Dominica?”
“You can see what it is.”
“There’s some missing things, like why your mother is caring for two beautiful little girls.”
“She’s a great help.”
He reached for me but dropped his palms to his sides. “Frances is beautiful.”
I glared at him.
“Eliza is lovely, too, Dolly. Edward is smart. You’ve done well.”
I stepped to the rail and looked out at the street, the passing soldiers. “I did what I had to.”
He moved closer, his height towering over me. Something familiar whispered into my empty heart. “You haven’t been sitting around waiting for me, but I’ve pined for you.”
My throat became dry. “I . . . ah . . .”
“Let me talk, Dolly. I’ve left Fanny.”
My slapping hand stayed pinned to the rail. “Didn’t you try that before?”
“I can’t make Fanny happy. We’ve tried. We’re both miserable. There’s no peace. I want her better and away from me. I’ll stay in Scotland and make sure the divorce is finalized. You come back with me too.”
“No. I’m not going to Scotland with you.” My fingers pulsed on the rail. I could rip it if only they were stronger. “You need to be faithful to that poor woman. How many years has she been deathly ill? She’s put up with enough.”
His head dipped and he caressed my chin. “I heard you’ve been sad. It’s all my doing. The way I left. The things unsaid between us.”
I always liked his height, how he made me feel secure standing beside him.
“What about Demerara? What if you went by Mrs. Cells there? What if we all return to Demerara and live in the Hermitage? I heard Lizzy’s moving to the colony.”
He kissed my brow and his arms slid around me. He still knew how I liked to be held. The low circles along the bones of my corset made my spine tingle.
As if a minuet ended, I stepped from him and bowed. “You never fought fair.”
“No, I never did.” He followed and took my hand, humming and spinning me on my porch.
“I know what I want. I can be ruthless for it. Another chance with you. Let’s go back to Demerara, Dolly.”
The way he said my name was like he’d already tasted my lips. Like I’d already given in to him, like I was still the young girl who’d loved him hard.
But the woman that I’d become knew the divide between us, the years of punishing myself for failing his love.
It took everything in me to step away, to go through the door of my home like nothing happened.
Charlotte and the Fédons readied to leave. I kissed her and embraced her.
My house finally emptied.
Cells stayed, sitting on my sofa reading to Edward.
I wanted to scream so bad it hurt. Instead, I gathered dishes. “Cells, you should leave. It’s been a long day.”
He stood and motioned to Edward to go upstairs.
After offering this man a hug, my poor sweet boy did. Had I taught him to accept scraps?
Cells came to me, leaned close to my ear. “Dolly, the Dolus leaves for Demerara at the week’s end. I want you on it. Just a quick trip, the two of us. We were good friends once, we can be lovers and friends, again. You need me. I see the hurt in your eyes as much as I see what we had.”
A thing like that shouldn’t be there, not now.
“Dolly, let me take us back to the way things were, the way things should’ve been. And Catharina, she’ll finally have the best, both of us.”
“What of her other mother? Won’t leaving Fanny hurt my baby?”
He shrugged. “Catharina is resilient. She’ll adjust in time.”
Then I realized Cells was the same. He didn’t care for anything but what he wanted. Today, I was his target, and if I bent then I’d be the same, a broken mirror.
Cells pulled me into his arms, and we fit together like old times, like he hadn’t left me. How do you say no to a force bigger than you?
You didn’t.
You pretended. You lied back and took in everything until you could get away. “I’ll think on it, Cells. I’m tired.”
I pushed him toward the door. “There’s much to consider.”
At the threshold, he touched my nose and traced its peak. “Then just dinner, tomorrow.”
“I’ll think on it.”
One last glance at Coseveldt standing in my threshold took me to the beginning. No drums of rebellion, just my pounding pulse. No smoke, just the ashes of what was our love. In Montserrat, I let him into my hut, then my heart. This time I closed the door.
“Tomorrow, Dolly. Dinner. We’ll discuss our children. I’ll come for you.” His voice floated away.
I shook for I wasn’t sure if he meant just Catharina.
The one fear I wasn’t immune to, he lobbed at me like a cannonball. It exploded and deepened the well in my chest.
Kitty came into the room. Then peered out the window. “Mr. Thomas is gone and now Mr. Cells is back.”
“They aren’t interchangeable.”
Kitty shrugged. The poor girl probably didn’t understand what I was saying, but maybe they were. They each knew how to hurt me.
“I think you are right, Kitty. We need to go to church.”
She tossed a bonnet on my head. “It’s Tuesday. Tuesdays are best to worship by the sea.”
We headed out the door to the mulatto ball to take communion with a heady rhythm. Music always made everything better. I needed its miracles tonight.