SUSANNAH FELL into a routine at work and the first month passed swiftly. Before she knew it, her time in Sitting Dog was already half gone.
Thanksgiving came. The Whitepaths didn’t observe the holiday, but Ryan’s brother Charlie, his wife and their two boys drove over from Winston-Salem to visit for the day. His sister came home from college for the weekend.
Ryan’s mother invited the man she’d been dating, Bob Humphreys, over for everyone to meet.
Susannah tried to keep to her cabin and not intrude on the family’s time together, but they insisted on including her.
As it turned out, there was cause for celebration. Helen Miller went into labor and gave birth to a healthy little girl.
Margaret Ann Miller, weighing eight pounds and one ounce, burst into the world Saturday afternoon. That night, Ryan and Susannah drove to the hospital in Andrews to see mother and baby.
Susannah couldn’t say she was close to Helen. Twice she’d brought her meals at Annie’s request. Three or four times, when Ryan had driven over to talk to Bass or check on Helen while Bass was at work, Susannah had ridden along with him.
Once, she’d picked up Nia from the bus stop and the two of them had dropped by with a basket for Helen. It was hand-woven by Nana and contained two loaves of banana-nut bread.
She liked the woman. With more time to develop a friendship, she sensed the two of them might become close.
When she and Ryan arrived, Helen was sitting up in the bed holding baby Maggie in her arms.
“She’s the spitting image of her daddy,” Bass crowed proudly over his newborn daughter.
“She’s too pretty to look like you,” Ryan told him. He kissed Helen on the forehead. “I’m proud of you. How are you feeling? Okay?”
“A little sore, but much better than this morning. Any woman who says childbirth is a good kind of pain is a liar.”
Susannah laid presents on the bed. “This is from Annie and Nana Sipsey. I think you’ll love what they did. They’ve been working on something for the baby. The rectangular package is from Ryan.”
“And Susannah,” he added quickly. “She helped me pick it out.”
“Nia made you a card,” Susannah said. “And Anita told me to tell you she’d come by tomorrow before she heads back to school. She also has a little something for you.”
“That’s so nice. Open the gifts for me, would you, please?”
Ryan’s mother and Nana had crocheted a darling white outfit and matching blanket. Susannah had suggested Ryan get something for Helen rather than the baby, since giving birth could be tiring and emotional. They’d shopped on the way over and found an exquisite bed-jacket in a colorful Asian print.
“How gorgeous! Ryan, you doll! And thank you, Susannah, for helping him choose this. I love it!”
“You’re welcome.”
“Ryan, please thank your mother and grandmother for me. And tell Nia her card was exactly what I needed.”
“I will.”
Helen wanted to try nursing the baby again, so Ryan and Bass went outside, where Bass planned to smoke one of the pink-wrapped cigars he’d been handing out. Susannah stayed with Helen.
“Neither one of us has gotten the hang of this yet,” Helen explained. “The nurses said not to worry, though.” After several attempts, the baby finally latched on and began to suckle. Helen brushed her hand softly, lovingly across the tiny dark head. “That’s my good girl.”
“She really is beautiful,” Susannah said. “She has your features, I think, but her skin is the same lovely brown as Bass’s.”
“Some people wouldn’t call it lovely.”
“Your parents?”
“Susannah, they haven’t even bothered to find out if Maggie and I are okay. Can you believe that? What kind of people could ignore their own grandchild?”
“Maybe they’re on the way down from Pennsylvania.”
“I wish that was true, but it’s not. Even though he didn’t want to, I forced Bass to call them when we got to the hospital. They said they didn’t care to know about the half-breed child and hung up on him.”
“Oh, Helen, I’m so sorry.”
“If it was only me I wouldn’t care.” Her eyes filled with tears. “But I don’t want my daughter to grow up thinking there’s something wrong with her because of her Native American blood. And I hate that they’ve treated Bass so horribly. They’ve hardly been civil to him in the five years we’ve been married. I’ve kept in touch. I prayed that one day… But when I told them I was pregnant, they even stopped talking to me on the phone.”
She broke down and cried. Susannah sat next to her on the bed, put an arm around her shoulders and tried to comfort her.
“I can’t begin to understand why they feel the way they do, but Helen, you have to accept that it’s their problem. You have a great husband who’s crazy about you and a beautiful new baby. If your mom and dad don’t want to know them, I’m not sure what you can do to change that. Feel sorry for them. Keep hoping they’ll change. But don’t let them ruin your happiness.”
“You’re absolutely right.” She wiped her eyes. “I shouldn’t let it get to me. I’m probably feeling a bit of postpartum depression. Hold the baby for me a minute, will you? I need to wash my face before Bass comes back. I don’t want him to know I’ve been crying.”
Susannah looked at the tiny bundle with horror. “Don’t you want to put her in the bassinet?”
“Are you afraid of her?”
“Honestly? Yes. I’m terrified. I’ve never held a baby before.”
“Never?”
“I was an only child. I never even did any babysitting. I know zero about kids.”
“But you’re so wonderful with Nia. That day the two of you dropped by, she was as lively and happy as I’ve seen her in ages.”
“Nia’s an exception. I feel comfortable around her because…I don’t know. I was going to say because she’s old enough to reason with, but that’s not always the case.”
“Maybe you’re comfortable because you’ve grown to care about her?”
“I suppose that’s true. She can be moody and she gets her feelings hurt easily, but most of the time she’s great fun to be around. I enjoy her. Babies—now that’s a new experience for me.”
“For me, too, but Bass and I plan on having a houseful. And we’re also going to adopt. We’re waiting for a child right now.”
“Are you? That’s wonderful!”
“So many children out there need homes.”
Helen tried to hand the baby to her again.
Susannah shook her head. “Helen, I’m not sure about this. I might drop her.”
“You won’t. Besides, you have to take her. I’m too sore to get out of this bed and hold her at the same time.”
Helen passed over the warm bundle and Susannah accepted her with trepidation.
“See, it’s not so scary,” Helen said. She struggled to sit and swing her legs over the side of the bed. She eased to a standing position and put on her robe and slippers.
“Do you need help? I can buzz for the nurse.”
“No, I can do it. The doctor said I should get up and begin taking short walks. This will do me good.”
Susannah sat in the chair and cradled Maggie to her chest while Helen took short, shuffling steps to the bathroom. Having the small body in her arms felt good, felt right somehow. Susannah had to admit the sensation wasn’t at all unpleasant.
“You’re an angel,” she told her. The baby’s face was red and wrinkly and she had scratches on her cheeks where her fingernails had raked them, but she was adorable. She had a full head of dark hair, which Susannah found amazing.
“How is everything with Ryan?” Helen called out. “Are you enjoying working with him?”
“Very much. He’s a great teacher. I only wish I had a tenth of his talent.”
Helen came back a few minutes later with her hair combed and her face washed. She’d taken the time to put on a little lipstick.
“Ryan’s a good person,” she said, sitting slowly down on the bed. “Not too many single men would’ve taken on the responsibility of raising a child. And he’s doing a wonderful job with Nia.”
Susannah agreed. “He’s a good father.”
“I remember the first time I met him. Bass and I weren’t married yet, but we’d gotten serious. I already had a pretty good idea I wanted to marry him. I was living out of town and I came down for the weekend to suffer through the big introduction to his parents and friends. Boy, was I nervous. But Ryan was wonderful. He treated me like he’d known me all his life.”
“He has a way of doing that.”
“Nia was about two months old then, I guess. Here was this big muscular guy with this tiny baby strapped to his chest. They were so cute.”
“I’d love to have seen that.”
“I have pictures at the house. Remind me next time you’re over and I’ll show them to you.”
“Oh, I’m glad you said that. I nearly forgot. I brought my camera.”
She handed Maggie back to Helen.
“Do you mind getting a few of Bass and the baby before you leave?” Helen asked after Susannah had taken multiple shots. “He recorded the birth with the video camera, but I’d love some stills.”
“Of course not. And we can do a family photo with the three of you, if you want.”
“I’d love a family photo! I could put copies in my birth announcements. Let me know how much I owe you for the prints.”
“Don’t worry about it. Once you get home and settled, I’ll bring over my computer and we’ll look at all the shots. You can decide which ones you like. The prints will be my gift.”
“You’re incredibly nice. I understand why Ryan’s so crazy about you.”
Her comment piqued Susannah’s interest. “What makes you think that?”
“The way he looks at you. The expression on his face when he talks about you.”
“When has he talked about me?”
“One night when he dropped over to the house. He said you’re a hard worker.”
Susannah sighed inwardly. How disappointing. Not the most flattering of remarks.
“He also said he likes having you around. You make him laugh.”
Ugh! That was little improvement over hard worker.
“He makes me laugh, too,” Susannah told her.
“I sense he’s conflicted about his feelings. You won’t be here that much longer, and that’s a problem. But if you gave him the slightest indication you were interested in him, he’d probably overlook his worries and make a move.”
“You’re mistaken, Helen. Ryan and I are only friends. He’s never even hinted that he’s attracted to me.”
“Hasn’t he?”
“A couple of times I thought… No, I’m sure it was only my imagination.”
“Maybe I’m asking the wrong question here. Are you attracted to him?”
Susannah opened her mouth to deny it, but she couldn’t. With each passing day she’d grown to respect Ryan more and more, not only for his talent, but for the honorable way in which he conducted his business and for the loving way he treated his family.
From a physical standpoint, she found it hard to look at him without imagining a few naughty things she’d like to do.
He had this old pair of overalls he wore when he was firing tiles. She’d never thought of overalls as sexy until she’d seen them on Ryan Whitepath, both clasps undone so the bib hung down. With his shirt off, skin glistening with sweat, chest and arm muscles bulging, she found it hard to watch him and breathe at the same time.
Her silence made Helen chuckle.
“I thought so. You are attracted to him. Now, my next question is, what do you plan to do about it?”
“CUTE BABY, isn’t she?” Ryan said when the silence in the truck became too much. Susannah had hardly spoken a word since they left the hospital.
“Very cute.”
“Anything wrong? You’re pretty quiet tonight.”
“Nothing’s wrong.”
“Tired?”
“Not particularly.”
There was obviously something on her mind, but he let it drop. He took her to the door of the cabin and said good-night, then hurried to the house to collect Nia.
His grandmother was reading a magazine while watching TV. At eighty-two she could still follow both the article and the show.
“Elisi.” He leaned down and kissed her.
She patted his arm. “Gvgeyu.” I love you.
His sister, she said, had gone out to see friends.
Ryan found his mother in the kitchen, trying to deal with leftover food. Nia had already been put to bed. She urged him not to disturb her.
“Let her sleep. If you wake her now, you might have trouble getting her back down.”
“I’ll sleep here, then. If she has a nightmare…”
“When was her last one?”
“A couple of weeks ago.”
“She’s better. You said the doctor told you as much.”
“Dr. Thompson said she seemed better. Nia was more talkative the last visit. And she didn’t cry like she normally does.”
“Ogedoda has heard your prayers. Your daughter is healing.”
“I want to believe that, but I’m afraid to get my hopes up.”
“Have hope, but remember that difficult problems take time to correct themselves. Be patient.”
“I’ll try.”
“It’s early. Go out and have fun for a change. Sleep at your own house so you can rest. Let me watch my granddaughter.”
“I shouldn’t.” He rubbed the back of his neck, feeling the tension there.
“You’ve been working too hard. A young man needs the company of other young people. For once, follow Joseph’s example.”
“I don’t believe you’re telling me to act like Joe.”
“Your brother is young and often foolish, but at least he knows how to relax. Isn’t there a young woman who would enjoy your company for the night?”
“Etsi!”
She chuckled at his shocked face. “You think I’m so old I don’t understand the comfort of lying in someone’s arms?”
“Yes! I mean, no!”
Hell! Did she have to go and put an image of that in his head? Every time he looked at Bob Humphreys from now on, he’d think of his mother having sex with the guy.
“I get your point without the illustrations,” he told her.
He felt guilty about leaving. He worried that Nia might wake up and need him. But he could use a break. And it was still early, not yet nine o’clock.
“Okay, I’ll go out for a little while, but I’ll keep my cell phone on. Call if anything happens.”
“I will. Now, off with you. And if I should wake up early in the morning and see your truck parked down at the cabin, I will pretend not to notice.”
Ryan swore under his breath. The sly old bird. She’d set him up.
HE HEADED DOWN the drive, telling himself he wouldn’t give in to his desires and go to Susannah’s. He’d see if Bass had gotten home yet. They’d shoot pool and smoke a few cigars.
Not until he’d parked at the cabin did he admit to himself that this was his intended destination all along. So many nights he’d wanted to come here, but he’d stopped himself.
He didn’t get out immediately. After he turned off the engine, he sat there for several minutes. In a month, she’d be gone. He had no business being here, starting something that had no future.
He got out and walked up to the porch.
No damn business at all.
He lifted his hand to knock, but before he could, the door swung open.
“I wondered if you were going to stay out there all night,” she said.
“I was…thinking.”
“About whether or not you should come in?”
He nodded slowly. “I’m not sure being alone with you like this is a good idea.”
“Yet here you are.”
“Yeah, here I am.”
She stepped aside and he entered. Somehow she’d made the cabin seem like her own. Little touches of her were everywhere—oranges and apples in a bowl on the table, a branch of evergreen draped across the mantel.
She’d created cardboard frames to display photographs she’d taken of the family and hung a patchwork quilt on the wall.
The couch and table had been pushed back, and she’d placed a small rug he didn’t recognize in front of the hearth.
“I was about to try starting a fire,” she said.
“Let me do it.”
He brought in logs. In the wood box he scavenged until he found a thin piece of lighter, a resin-filled shard of pine he used to ignite the kindling. Within a few minutes, he had a blaze going.
Taking her lead, he sat down on the rug, his arm propped across his knee.
“Are you in a no-furniture mode?” he asked.
“I like it better on the floor. That’s why I scooted the couch back from the fireplace.” She smiled. “Sometimes I get silly and pretend it’s 1850. I light the oil lamp and read a book by its light. I imagine there’s no electricity or computers or microwaves.”
“Strange behavior for a techno-geek like you.”
“I suppose it is, but since I’ve been here, I’ve come to appreciate a simpler way of life.”
“Tomorrow I’ll help you toss out your computer.”
“I don’t think I’m ready for that drastic a step.”
“I’d say it’s a good thing you didn’t really live here in the 1850s. You would never have survived it.”
“Oh, I don’t know. Raising my own food, cooking over an open fire… Sounds like fun, don’t you think?”
“What about giving birth without a doctor in case you had problems? Having to climb the mountain on foot to visit a neighbor? Or kill a deer and skin it so your kids won’t starve?”
“Uh, okay. Not so much fun. But I still admire the relationship people used to have with the environment. They depended on it for their survival. Folks today don’t appreciate the natural world as much. I’m ashamed to admit I was one of them until I came to visit this mountain.”
“When I was younger, my grandfather used to take me into the backcountry and tell me stories about the First People and how, through the grace of Elohi, the mother spirit of the earth, they lived in peace with her. Everything they needed was provided—food, skins, medicines. In return, the people protected her, honored her.”
“That’s the way it should be.”
“I’ve watched my grandmother in her garden, gathering her leaves and roots, and each time she takes something from the earth she thanks it. Each spring she makes me plant trees and scatter seeds in the nearby woods to make up for what Elohi gives our family.”
“We should all live like your grandmother. She’s a very intuitive woman.”
“Yes, she is.”
“She spooked me a bit when I first got here, the way she seemed to know how people were feeling without being told. I figured out it’s because she’s such a good listener. And she notices things that others don’t.”
“Listen or your tongue will make you deaf. It’s an old Cherokee saying.”
“I like that.”
“Nana’s ancestors were all Medicine Elders of the Ani Wodi clan, as is she. She was raised to understand natural, physical and spiritual healing.”
“I love sitting at the kitchen table with her while we’re preparing supper and talking.”
“She likes that, too. She’s told me so.”
“And her stories are wonderful. I don’t understand half the words, but somehow I know what she’s trying to tell me. The other day she was talking about turtles.”
“Ah, how turtle got the lines on his shell.”
“That’s it. Another day, it was why the possum’s tail is bare.”
“And why he plays dead?”
“Yes. I’ll miss my visits with Nana when I leave. I’ll miss her.”
“Is she the only one you’ll miss?”
She looked away. “You know she isn’t. I’ve grown to care about all of you.”
He traced the line of her jaw with his index finger, turning her head to make her look at him again. “Any of us more than others?”
“Yes.”
He slipped his hand behind her head and pulled her forward for a gentle kiss. Sweet. He knew it would be. The second time he pressed harder, demanded more, and like the flower that opens wider with the warmth of sun, so did her lips. She welcomed him inside.
Desire raced through him. She was forbidden, dangerous, and every cell in his brain warned him he should back away. But he couldn’t force himself. He wanted her. Almost from that first day, when he’d watched as she read with his daughter, he’d ached to feel her body against his.
Four long weeks he’d endured the torture of hearing her laugh, witnessing the way her face lit up when she was having fun or learning something new.
He’d come to care about her a little more with each passing day, but aside from that, he’d come to enjoy her. She was funny. She amused him. He looked forward to getting up each morning because he knew he’d be with Susannah.
“Mmm,” she murmured as the kiss ended. She opened her eyes and smiled softly. “That was as nice as I imagined it would be.”
“Have you been thinking about my kissing you?”
“At least a hundred times a day.”
“You should’ve said something. I might have done it sooner.”
“No, you wouldn’t have. You’re as afraid of me as I am of you. Maybe even more so. You have Nia’s feelings to worry about. I only have my own.”
“Starting a relationship with no future is pretty crazy.”
“I agree.”
“I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to get hurt.”
“I feel the same way,” she told him. “But if we both understand it isn’t permanent, how can anyone get hurt?”
He gazed into her eyes and saw a reflection of his own heart. This woman was his life mate. He knew it suddenly with a clarity that astounded him.
“What’s wrong?” she asked. “You have the strangest look on your face.”
“Nothing.” He shook his head.
If this was meant to be, then he had to trust that somehow it would work out. And he couldn’t be with her without honesty.
“Susannah?”
“Yes, Ryan?”
“I have things to tell you and you’re probably not going to like hearing them. But if we’re going to have any kind of relationship, I don’t want any lies or secrets between us.”
“That sounds ominous. What is it?”
“Since Nia’s mother died, she hasn’t been herself. She worries when she’s separated from me. Emotionally she’s…ill. When I sometimes disappear on Monday afternoons, I take her to a doctor for treatment of depression and anxiety. In addition to the nightmares, she has panic attacks. Bad ones.”
“I had no idea her problems were so serious.”
“Yeah, well, I’ve hidden it from you as much as I could. I’m not proud to tell anyone I’ve failed my daughter.”
“You have no reason to be ashamed. It isn’t your fault.”
“I feel like it is. I should be able to make her feel better, to prove to her that everything’s going to be all right.”
“Ryan, that’s not always the way it works. Illnesses like Nia’s are caused by chemical imbalances in the brain, and they can be brought on by a trauma. I struggled with depression and anxiety myself when my mother died. I felt terrible guilt for being glad that I no longer had to take care of her. For weeks I could barely leave the house.”
“How did you get past it?”
“With medication and therapy. Is Nia taking anything?”
“Not at the moment. We’re holding out until after the first of the year to see if her condition improves. The doctor said a lot of the adult drugs haven’t been tested for pediatric use, or have bad side effects.”
“What about a support group? She might benefit from interacting with other children who’ve also lost parents.”
“We tried that with a group in Charlottesville. Nia didn’t want to go. Forcing her only made the panic attacks worse.”
“Poor little thing.”
“There’s more. And it has to do with you. Will you promise to keep an open mind and not get mad? You seemed my best hope.”
“Your best…?” She stopped suddenly. “Oh, wait. You expected me to help her?”
“She responds to you. She likes you.”
“And I like her. But Ryan, I’m not a therapist! I’m not trained to handle the problems of a sick child. And I told you when you hired me that I’d be leaving soon.”
Obviously agitated, she jumped up. Ryan also got to his feet.
“I didn’t—don’t—expect you to handle her problems. Dr. Thompson thought it would be good for her just to be around someone who’s dealing with the same kind of loss.”
“Oh, great. You talked to Nia’s doctor about me?”
“Nia did—she mentioned her new friend. But yes, the doctor and I have had a few conversations in which you were the subject. She felt you’d be a positive influence on Nia. And you have been.”
“This is why you so abruptly changed your mind and decided to hire me, isn’t it? You and the good doctor had a little chat and decided to conspire against me.”
“Dr. Thompson assumes I discussed this with you, so I’m the one at fault, not her. I’m sorry for not leveling with you. I wanted to, but I was afraid if I did you’d leave.”
“I would have. I can’t believe you’ve done this. It’s not fair, Ryan.”
“Come on, Susannah. Have I asked you to do anything special for Nia in the past few weeks? You’ve picked her up at the bus stop, but other than that, have I asked you to do anything you normally wouldn’t?”
“No, not really.”
“You’re a good person with a good heart. You’ve played with her, read her stories and been her friend because you wanted to, not because I asked you to.”
“All right, I admit that’s true, but you shouldn’t have schemed against me. I don’t like being used.”
“I’m sorry. You deserve better. And once you came to work, I realized how much I needed you, too. What can I do to make this up to you?”
“I’ll have to think about it.”
“Do you want me to leave?”
“Maybe.” Her expression softened. “No,” she said, shaking her head.
He let out his breath. “So am I forgiven?”
“I don’t know yet. Ask me again in a little while.”