THEY TALKED for a long time. Susannah found it hard to stay angry with Ryan when she knew he was only trying to help his daughter.
He told her frightening stories, about Nia’s panic attacks and about the dreams that terrified her but that she could never remember.
“Never?”
“No, she wakes up screaming for me. I don’t know if she’s being chased or hurt in those dreams. And she’s gotten it into her head that I might abandon her, which sends her into a panic when I’m out of her sight for more than a few hours. Keeping her in school has been hell, although she’s been better about that since you got here. She’s been better about a lot of things….”
“She asked me once if she could be my little girl if you gave her away.”
“When was this?”
“Soon after I came here. That first time we went grocery shopping. You were paying for your gas. She leaned over the seat and dropped that bombshell on me. I was concerned about it, but then shrugged it off as normal childhood anxiety. Now I realize I should have told you. I’m sorry.”
“It doesn’t matter. I already know she’s frightened. The question is why? The doctor says it was triggered by Carla’s death.”
“I wish I knew what to do.”
“Being able to talk to you has helped a lot. I try not to tell Mom and Nana too much. They worry.”
“You can talk to me anytime.”
He threaded his fingers through hers. “That jerk you were engaged to…what was his name?”
“Andrew.”
“Andrew was a fool to give you up.”
He kissed her and warmth eased into every part of her body. As insane as it was, she wound her arms around his neck and drew him closer.
“It feels like maybe you’ve forgiven me,” he said against her lips.
“You think so?”
He urged her down to the floor.
“If you don’t want me to make love to you, tell me to go home now.”
She gave him his answer by undoing his buttons, then sliding her hands across his naked chest.
“Last chance. If you don’t want me to make love to you…”
She smiled and began removing his pants.
RYAN TREMBLED with the touch of her fingers on his zipper. He tried his best to be patient, but he’d never wanted a woman more than this one and she was undressing him so damn slow.
“Here, let me help you,” he offered, quickly discarding his boots, socks and jeans.
“A bit anxious, aren’t we?” she teased. “Can I do the rest?”
“Go ahead.”
She slowly lowered his briefs. As he kissed her, he helped her undo the buttons on her shirt and shed her jeans. She dragged her nails lightly along his ribs, across his stomach and down his thighs, skimming his growing erection with each pass, but not lingering on it. He decided she was intentionally trying to drive him crazy—and succeeding.
Her panties were hot pink and matched her bra. She lay on her side facing him, the firelight making her pale skin seem translucent.
“I like your freckles,” he said. “Are they everywhere?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never really thought about it.”
“I’ll look and see.”
He removed the rest of her clothes. She giggled as he rolled her onto her stomach and conducted a thorough inspection of every inch of her back and legs.
“Well?” she asked. “What’s the verdict?”
“Yep, they’re all over everything on this side. They even make pictures. You have a flower right down here.” He kissed the small of her back. “And right here—” he touched his lips to the back of one of her knees “—you have a cloud.”
“That feels so good. Where else?”
He pretended to find bears and trees and dogs. He kissed every one.
She turned over, and her eyes had become heavy-lidded with desire. “And what about this side? Any interesting pictures on it?”
“A thousand.”
“Will you kiss them, too?”
“Gladly.”
“I know there are a couple right here,” she said, touching her breasts. He kissed both rosy tips. “And here,” she said, indicating the insides of her thighs. Her back arched from the floor when he kissed her there. “Oh, Ryan! I’d forgotten how wonderful it feels to make love.”
“How long has it been for you?”
“Two years.”
It had been about that long for him, too. Since Nia came to live with him, he hadn’t dated much or given sex priority. He enjoyed it, and sometimes physically his body needed it, but in the seven-year stretch between Carla and Susannah, he hadn’t felt attracted to anyone, and sex had been more of a chore than a pleasure.
He wasn’t going to last long this first time and neither was she, so they brought each other quickly to climax. With that out of the way, they were free to take their time, to enjoy the slow road back to arousal.
At least, he thought the journey was going to be slow. He was wrong. When she gave him a massage, he tried to give her one, but she squirmed under his palms and decided she’d had enough foreplay.
“Make love to me,” she said, guiding him.
“Yes, ma’am. Whatever you want.”
The floor wasn’t the most comfortable place to do this, but after a couple of minutes he no longer cared. Susannah delighted him by being a very vocal lover. She wasn’t shy about asking for what she wanted or letting him know she was enjoying herself. Pretty soon he was spiraling out of control, no longer able to hold back.
But he didn’t need to. She came with him. Her climax exploded within seconds of his. The pleasure was so pure and so intense, he was afraid it had stopped his heart.
“Mmm, that was incredible,” she said. “I wouldn’t mind doing that a hundred more times tonight.”
Ryan groaned. “Give me a few minutes to rest and then I’ll see what I can do.”
SUSANNAH TRIED to move but Ryan had his leg partly over hers. He’d pinned her to the mattress. Thank God they’d moved to the bed the second time they’d made love. That hard floor had nearly broken her bones.
He mumbled in his sleep and grasped her left breast. In the pale light from the dying fire, his brown hand looked strange against her white flesh.
He was all hard sculptured muscle, a living work of art, and she’d never seen anything more beautiful in her life.
His body fascinated her, from the long hair that draped her like a tent when he made love, to his cute bony toes.
He was perfectly made and flawless, except for one scar. Stitches, he’d told her. He’d fallen from a tree and cut open his right knee when he was seven.
With Andrew, sex had been enjoyable, but it had always included questions afterward: “Was that good? Did you come?”
Sometimes she’d wanted to scream at him, “Stop with the quiz! This isn’t school!”
Ryan didn’t have to ask. He’d known by her cry that she’d enjoyed every spiraling wave of ecstasy.
He stirred, opened his eyes and saw she was awake. “Sorry, I must’ve dozed off. What time is it?”
“Midnight.”
“I should go home.”
“Probably.” She stroked his shoulder. “I don’t want your mother knowing what we’ve been doing for the last two hours.”
He chuckled and rolled onto his back.
“What’s so funny?”
“I doubt she’d be surprised.”
“That may be true, but we shouldn’t change how we act in front of your family, and our working relationship needs to stay professional.”
“Can I carry your panties around in my pocket while I work?”
“No!”
“Dadgum. That’s the only reason I slept with you. I was hoping you’d give me a pair.”
She sat up so she could talk to him. “You’re such a comedian. I don’t know how I stand you.”
“You stood me just fine a while ago—twice.”
“I was only humoring you. I don’t really find you all that attractive.”
“Oh, is that right?” He pulled her down on top of him. “So how come you begged me to make love to you?”
“Begged you? You’re having a hallucination, mister.”
“Oh, Ryan, touch me there,” he said in a high feminine voice, imitating exactly how she’d sounded during lovemaking. “That feels so good. And you’re so huge.”
She laughed so hard she had to put her head down on his chest. “You added the ‘huge.’ I didn’t say that.”
“Okay, I embellished a bit.”
The body part under discussion was currently rigid against her leg and demanding attention. One slight movement, and she’d be in trouble.
As much as she wanted to make love to him again, they had a major problem. They’d used both of the small packets in his wallet.
“Uh, before you get too worked up, remember we have no more condoms.”
“Ah, hell.”
“Sorry, but I don’t have any. And I don’t think we should take the risk of not using one. This is a safe time for me, but accidents can happen.”
“Yeah, I was conceived in this bed.”
“Oh, boy, I forgot about that. Then we’d better not tempt the spirits.”
“You’re right.”
She expected him to get up. Instead, he rolled and took her with him, reversing their positions. Now she was on the bottom.
He sought out the soft red curls between her legs and stroked beneath them with his fingers. Slick with her own moisture and on fire, she feared she might spontaneously combust, but he wouldn’t let her come. Again and again, he’d let her get close, but not go over the edge.
“Are you trying to kill me?” she croaked out.
“Yes.”
The next time, he waited until she was a breath away and replaced his fingers with his mouth. Tremors shook her whole body. Even after she climaxed, he continued to make love to her with his lips and tongue.
A second and a third wave of incredible pleasure washed along her nerve endings.
“Oh!”
She really had died.
And gone to heaven.
When she could speak and move again, she told him she’d do the same for him, but he said no.
“That was a gift. Gifts should always be given because you want to, not because you expect the other person to reciprocate.”
“I feel a bit stingy getting and not giving.”
“Nothing says sex has to be equal.”
She nodded. “I’ll give you a gift another time.”
“I’ll tell you what you can do for me. Get that crazy list. I want to see it and mark off Number 9.”
She made a quick run to the bathroom. When she came back she turned on the lamp, found the list and got a pen. He propped a pillow behind his head. She crawled in next to him and pulled the covers over them both.
He chuckled and snorted a few times as he read.
“Cruise the Amazon River? When do you think you’ll ever have a chance to do that?”
“I don’t know. Stranger things have happened. Remember this is a list of things for my whole life. Twenty or thirty years from now, who’s to say what I might be doing?”
“Star in a movie,” he read. “Like that’s going to happen.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“Visit Paris in April. That one’s probably doable, but Dance in a ballet? Are you even a dancer?”
She snatched the list from his hand. “If you’re going to make fun of me, you can leave.” She tried to get up, but he grabbed her and made her sit down again. He wrapped his arms around her from behind and held her tight against his chest.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”
“Well, you did.”
He kissed her neck, nipped at her ear. “I like the one about growing your pretty hair to your waist, To tsu hwa.”
“Call me that again.”
“To tsu hwa.”
“Talk to me in your language.”
The words he spoke were melodious, like a beautiful song.
“What did you say?”
“I said…your smile is brighter than a thousand suns and the blue of your eyes makes the sky weep.”
“That’s lovely. Did you read it somewhere?”
“No, my heart wrote it.”
She sighed and nestled in the curve of his shoulder. “Tell your heart to say some more.”
RYAN SHIFTED on the church pew and wished the preacher wasn’t so long-winded this morning. The sermon was about sin. Each time he mentioned the word sinners, Susannah poked him in the ribs with her elbow. Trying to keep a straight face was becoming impossible.
Covertly, she took something out of her purse, made sure no one was watching and stuffed it in the pocket of his suit pants.
He waited fifteen second, then stuck his hand in and felt. His fingers identified silken panties. He smiled.
“A gift,” she whispered. “No need to reciprocate.”
AFTER LUNCH, since it was a lovely day, he asked her if she’d like to ride up the Skyway with him and Nia and look at the mountains. They’d had a light snowfall early that morning, but the sun had since been trying to come out.
Anita had left to go back to school and his mother had other plans. She wanted to take some soup to a sick neighbor. Nana said she was “done going” for the day and preferred to stay home.
“The mountains will be beautiful with the rays hitting the snow and ice,” Ryan told Susannah. “How about it?”
“I’d love to go. I can get some photos.”
Nia wasn’t happy with the decision. She wanted to drive into town and see the Christmas lights that had been turned on the day before.
“We’ll do both,” he said.
When they’d changed out of their good clothes, Susannah met them at the front door of the barn. Her attitude toward Nia didn’t seem any different than the day before and he was glad of that. In minutes Susannah had her giggling as usual.
“We’ll head up into the mountains first and then swing through town on the way back,” he said. “After that, we’ll go see Helen for a minute. That okay with everyone?”
They agreed.
Over the next half hour, they climbed steadily upward along the curving road. Ryan pulled off into one of the scenic overlooks.
“Are all these mountains the Snowbirds?” Susannah asked as they got out of the truck. They walked toward the edge.
“No, but each is part of the Appalachians. The Nantahala Mountains come in from the east and the Unicoi from the west. To the north are the Great Smokies.”
“And most of this land is national forest?”
“That’s right. The Skyway goes through both the Nantahala and Cherokee National Forests, but we have other forests and wilderness areas, as well. We drove through a different part of the Nantahala when we went down to see Helen last night in Andrews. Remember the steep gorges? You were scared we’d go off the road.”
“That was a terrible drive. Worried me to death.”
Nia asked, “Were you scared, Susannah?”
“For a minute, but your daddy reminded me that he was familiar with the road and knew what he was doing. So I wasn’t scared after that.”
“We’ll come back through before dark this time. I promise.”
Ryan sat on the stone wall while Susannah walked around and took her photos. He warned Nia not to go near the edge, but kept an eye on her. She seemed content to play nearby.
Susannah came back, cheeks rosy and puffing from the high altitude. “I can tell we’re high up.”
“About 5,300 feet.”
“I need to get in better shape. Whew!” She bent over, put her hands on her knees and took a few deep breaths.
He glanced at Nia. She wasn’t paying them any attention and was out of earshot. “There’s nothing wrong with your shape,” he said in a low voice. “And I should know. I’ve touched every inch of it.”
“I have a fondness for your shape, too.”
“Enough that you might consider staying around past Christmas?”
She straightened. “Ryan, we talked about this last night. We agreed we’d enjoy what time we have together but not make any promises.”
“I’m not asking for a commitment and I’m not prepared to give one, but I would like time to build on what we’ve started. Maybe we’d be good together and maybe we wouldn’t, but how are we going to know if you run off?”
“And if I stayed? What then? How would I support myself?”
“Doing what you’re doing now, working for me. You like the job, don’t you?”
“Yes.”
“And you’re great at it. In the past month you’ve already brought me three new clients and convinced that gallery in Atlanta to sell my museum-quality pieces. I should make you my agent. But if you’d rather not work with me, then do whatever you enjoy. You’re a great natural photographer. Maybe you could take some classes and learn to do that professionally. Or teach computing. Do bookkeeping. Design and build Web sites. Hell, you have a number of talents you could use to make a living.”
“I have other concerns.” She nodded toward Nia. “The longer I stay, the harder it’ll be on her—and me—if our…relationship doesn’t work out.”
“Sometimes life is a risk. You know that.”
“My body I’m prepared to risk. But my heart…I couldn’t go through another break-up. I laugh and call Andrew a jerk, but he hurt me.”
“I wouldn’t hurt you.”
“You can’t be sure of that. You have the capacity for hurting me even more deeply than he did.”
“And why is that?”
“Because my heart’s already tender. And because…in the short time we’ve known each other, I’ve come to care for you so much it frightens me. I don’t want to feel this way.”
“Susannah…” He stood and drew her closer. “Don’t dismiss what you feel. Give us a chance.”
“I’m afraid to, Ryan, and not only because of what happened with Andrew. Those years I spent caring for my mother were like being in prison—worse than prison, because I lived every day with the knowledge that my escape would only come with the death of the person I loved. The guilt and pain were terrible. I don’t want to be in the position of feeling that again, of having to take care of someone. I’d rather be alone.”
“I’m not asking you to take care of me or Nia.”
“No, but love automatically carries that responsibility.”
“Of helping, yes, of being a partner and a friend, but don’t you understand that you’re supposed to get as much out of a relationship as you give to it?”
“Of course.”
“From what you’ve said, I’m not so sure you do. Was Andrew there when you needed him? Did he understand your pain and help you, or make life more difficult?”
“The break-up wasn’t entirely his fault.”
“You’re not answering me.”
“Okay, he wasn’t much help. Is that what you want to hear? Having to worry about his feelings on top of everything else put more strain on me. Frankly, he was selfish. He never tried to understand how difficult my life was or to ease my burden.”
“I thought so. And your mother drained you, too.”
She pulled away. “Now, wait. That was a totally different situation. She was seriously ill and she didn’t have anyone else. She was terrified of having to go into a nursing home and being cared for by strangers. I owed it to her to help any way I could.”
“I’m not criticizing you for it, only pointing out that the strong relationships you’ve had in recent years have both been one-sided, and that’s forced you to close off your emotions.” He pulled her back into his arms and rested his chin on the top of her head. “I’d like the chance to prove to you that letting someone in doesn’t have to be painful, but I can’t do that if you’re not here. Stay awhile. No pressure, I promise. If you decide you’re unhappy and want to leave, I won’t make it hard on you.”
“Ryan, you’re trying to get me to give up my newfound freedom.”
“No, I’m not, but I know you’ve been happy here. All I ask is that you be honest about that and consider staying. Think about it some more and don’t make a hasty decision.”
“All right.”
Nia came over then and showed him a pretty rock she’d found under the snow. “Do you think the Little People left it for me?”
“They might have.”
“We need to give them somethin’ back.”
He reached in his pocket and got a quarter. “They like shiny things. Leave this where you found the rock.”
She went back, gingerly placed it on the ground and began looking for more rocks.
“I hope you have a lot of quarters,” Susannah said.
AS THEY DROVE down into the valley, she asked him about the various places and how they got their names. Ryan didn’t mind. He liked talking about his home and the history of his area.
“Why Snowbird?”
“The old ones say a giant snowbird used to live on top of the tallest mountain,” he said. “That’s how the range got its name. We call our single mountain Snowbird because we have so many of the birds every winter, but it’s only a nickname.”
“And why is the community called Sitting Dog?”
“Have you noticed the big outcropping of rock above the house and to the left? Up close it looks like a sitting dog. I’ll take you there one day this week. It’s only a short walk. I also want to show you something else, near the rock.”
They drove to Robbinsville so Nia could see the Christmas lights strung across the streets and those in the store windows.
“We should be getting ours out and putting them up,” he told her. “Did you tell Susannah that you’re an elf in your ballet recital?”
“I forgot!” Excitedly she gave Susannah every little detail of her performance. “I wanted to be a deer,” she finished, “but Miss Cummings said I had to be an elf. That’s what she calls them. They’re really Little People, though.”
“Oh, that sounds wonderful. Do you get to wear a costume?”
“Uh-huh. A green one. Will you make it for me?”
“Nia, Gran already said she’d do it,” Ryan told her.
“But I want Susannah to.”
He glanced across the truck at her. “You don’t have to, Susannah. My mother already volunteered.”
“I don’t mind. Actually, I love to sew. I used to do it all the time, but I sold my sewing machine when I sold the house because I didn’t think I’d have any use for it.”
“You’ll probably regret taking on this project.”
“Oh, don’t spoil my fun.” She turned to Nia in the back seat. “Tell you what. I’ll make your costume if you’ll help me make decorations to hang in the cabin.”
“I can do that!”
“Your daddy was telling me how your family celebrates with natural and handmade decorations. We can make colored rings and popcorn balls and stars out of aluminum foil. Stars are okay, aren’t they, Ryan?”
“Stars are fine.” Ryan smiled to himself. She was enjoying this as much as Nia.
“And we can get pinecones from the woods. Let’s see what else. Oh, we can dry orange slices and sprinkle them with sugar.”
“Can we eat them?” Nia asked.
“Eat my decorations?” She gasped. “Certainly not. Well, maybe a few of them.”
Ryan told her it was fine to collect berries, seed pods, discarded nests, nuts and whatever else she needed from the property but to be careful not to stray too far from the house.
“When? When?” Nia asked. “Today?”
“Mm, if we get back in time. But next Saturday would be better because we’d have all day to gather what we’re going to use. And first we’ll have to make a list of other things we need, like glue and paper and ribbon. Did your ballet teacher give you any instructions about your costume? We could get the fabric at the same time.”
“Nia brought home a sheet saying when the recital is and what they need,” Ryan said. “I’ll show it to you when we get home.”
THEY VISITED Helen and Maggie at the hospital, then drove home; it was already dark when they arrived.
“You’re coming in, aren’t you?” Ryan asked.
Susannah decided she wouldn’t. He’d want to talk about her staying, and she didn’t want to discuss it anymore. What was the point?
“I think I’ll take a bath, maybe read a while and go to bed early. And you should spend some time with Nia for a change—without me always hanging around.”
He didn’t argue. She couldn’t tell from his expression what he was thinking or feeling. “I’ll see you in the morning then,” was his only response.
She told them both good-night and walked over to the cabin with a heavy heart. Why did everything always have to be so complicated?
She’d come here with a simple goal—to take lessons—and now Ryan was asking her to change their entire arrangement. And for what? The chance that they might be able to build a lasting relationship. No, thanks. She’d been through that once and she never intended to open herself up to that kind of pain again.
Even if she did stay and things worked out, he had a sick daughter who needed special attention and—fond as she was of Nia—Susannah had spent nearly a third of her life in the role of caregiver. She didn’t need, didn’t want, that responsibility again.
Once inside, she turned up the heat, filled the tub and had a long, leisurely soak. The warm water soothed her body but not her troubled mind.
She looked around the cabin at all the little improvements she’d made—the throw rug, the pillows for the couch, the Kiss the Cook spoon holder for the kitchen—and realized she’d turned it into a home, a foolish thing to do.
And why on earth had she asked Nia to help her decorate when she wouldn’t even be here for Christmas? She’d be on the road somewhere between North Carolina and New York.
She’d gotten caught up in the idea of having a true Christmas again, been reminded of her own childhood when she and her mother had decorated the house. But she wasn’t Nia’s mother. Best to remember that for the child’s sake and her own.
A hard knock sounded. She grabbed her towel.
“Who is it?”
“It’s me,” Ryan said.
“Are you alone?”
“Yes.”
Susannah relaxed and tossed the towel onto the floor. “Come in.”
He opened the door, then stopped abruptly and stared.
“Well, come in or get out, for goodness’ sake. I’m freezing to death!” She settled back and sponged bubbles over her arm.
He closed the door and walked toward her.
“Where’s Nia?” she asked.
“I took her to Mother’s for a little while.”
“Why?”
“Because I wanted to be with you.”
“You’ve been with me all day. Go home, Ryan. I’m taking a bath.”
“You seem to be having a good time.”
“I’m having a wonderful time.”
He bent over and pulled off one boot, then the second one. He started on his shirt.
“What are you doing?”
“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m getting in there with you.”
“Oh, no, you’re not. Ryan!” She giggled as he hastily stripped down to nothing. He got in, sloshing water everywhere. “Look at the mess you’ve made all over the floor.”
“I’ll mop it up.”
“And you’ve soaked my cast.”
“It’s about to come off anyway.”
His big body had displaced so much water it was still spilling over the rim.
He grabbed her around the waist and pulled her forward, maneuvering them both until she was sitting between his legs.
“Growing up, I once asked my father why mother had insisted on having such a big bathtub in here and he just grinned. Now I know why.” He took her sponge away and began using it to wash her shoulders and breasts.
“You felt bad when he didn’t call on Thanksgiving, didn’t you? I overheard you saying something to your mother.”
“He could at least have bothered to pick up the phone.”
“Has it been hard for you, being the oldest and feeling responsible for everyone? I know you’re paying Anita’s tuition and I’ve seen you slip money to Joe more than once.”
“Sometimes it’s hard. But being a part of this family means I have obligations, and not only financial ones. But it’s the same with each of us. My brothers and sister, Mom, Nana—they’ve been my strength. I hope, in return, I’ve been theirs.”
“You’re a nice man. Do you know that?”
“I know,” he teased. “I’m special.”
Susannah laughed. “And modest.”
“I also have some very selective skills.”
“Oh? And tell me, what might those be?”
He picked her up and sat her down on his lap so that her legs hooked behind him and their most intimate places touched. “I’d rather show you.”