RYAN PUT THE FOOD in his backpack and added two bottles of water. What else did they need? The video camera. He hurried to get it.
Susannah saw the bath towels he’d laid out and wrinkled her nose. “Why are we taking these?”
“So we can dry off at the pool.”
“Dry off? Ryan, it’s thirty-five degrees outside! We can’t go swimming in this cold!”
“Where we’re going it’s warm.”
“In the middle of the woods?”
“Yep.” He wriggled his eyebrows. “And bathing suits are optional.”
“This place isn’t too far, is it?”
“Only forty-five minutes or so.”
“Couldn’t we do something a little less…outdoorsy?”
“You’ll love this. I promise.”
“A picnic in the snow and a dip in a pond in December?”
“That’s right.”
“Okay.” She threw up her hands. “If you’re willing, so am I.”
Climbing the mountain, she kept up better than he’d thought she would and didn’t complain. Not too much, anyway. A couple of times he stopped and took video of the scenery, always careful to include her.
“I understand why you’re in such good shape,” she said, resting a moment with her hands on her waist. “This kind of activity definitely keeps you slim.”
“We’re lucky the snow’s almost melted. Let me know when you need a break and we’ll stop.”
“I’m fine. Don’t get too far ahead, though. I have no idea where we are.”
A while later he called a halt and they shared some of the water. He pulled her woolen cap down further on her ears.
“We’re almost there.”
They were playing hooky today, celebrating three things: Nia’s staying at the cabin all night, Ryan’s finishing the last of the tiling for the mosaic and Susannah’s getting the cast off her wrist.
Nia was in school, and that meant he and Susannah could be alone for a little while. He also wanted to show her several places that were special to him.
First they went to the outcropping of rock that had given the community its name.
“Oh, gosh, it does look like a sitting dog,” Susannah said. “And from below I never would’ve guessed how big it is.”
“Estimating size is hard in the woods. What looks ten feet tall from far away can be a hundred feet when you get close. Same with distance. You can think you’re a mile from something and you’re really twenty miles.”
“How tall would you guess the dog is? Sixty feet?”
“She’s that easily.”
“She? Rocks are females?”
“Grandfather said when he was a little boy his grandfather told him the legend of this place. Want to hear it?”
“You know I do.”
“A wild dog—a wolf—disappeared during a hunt. His mate sat here waiting for him to return, but days and nights passed, then more days and nights. Obviously he’d been killed, but she wouldn’t accept it. She said he’d only lost his way and she’d guide him home with her voice. Her long, forlorn howls could be heard with each rising of the moon. She died, looking out across the mountains, still waiting for the one she loved to come back to her. The spirit of the wind was so impressed with her devotion that it turned her into a large stone. Now she’s a guide to all who might lose their way and the wind still carries her nightly cries.”
“That’s one of your sadder stories.”
“I don’t make them up. I only tell them.”
She breathed in the air. “This is a lovely place. So quiet.”
“Grandfather bought it years ago to preserve where his ancestors hid out during the removal. When he died, he left this part of the mountain to me. He said I was the only one in the family who truly appreciated it as much as he did.”
“Your grandmother didn’t mind?”
“No, she says we’re all simply guests of the land, anyway.”
They climbed out onto one of the rock’s ledges and ate the cheese and bread he’d brought. After, he took her to the cave, a ten-minute hike. He crawled inside and helped her through the passage.
“Wait a minute while I get us some light.” He struck a match and lit a kerosene lamp, then the torches in the wall holders.
“Oh!” Susannah walked around in amazement.
“My ancestors lived here for more than two years. I still have pieces of some of the skins they used and the arrow points. Come see this.” He showed her the crudely drawn pictures and the handprints. “Here’s the one for Numma hi tsune ga. His father’s. My grandfather’s. My father’s. This is mine.”
“Siquutsets,” she read below it.
“My Indian name. Possum. Grandfather said as a baby I’d eat anything that didn’t try to eat me first.”
That made her chuckle. “I can believe that. I’ve seen you eat.”
“He was of the Ani Wahwa, the wolf clan, once known as the warriors of the tribe. Long ago, members of a clan were like families and forbidden to marry each other. Most Cherokee don’t know their clan affiliations today, but Grandfather still believed in the old ways. And even though he loved a girl, he wouldn’t marry her because she was Ani Wahwa. He made a match with a stranger, a girl of the Ani Wodi. Her ancestors had made the red paint for war and religious ceremonies. They were also known for their ability to heal.”
“So he and your grandmother didn’t love each other when they got married?”
“No, but they came to in time.”
“I’m glad about that. I’d hate to think Nana had a loveless marriage.”
He took down the jar of dried ground clay and dipped his fingers in the dust.
“She says red is the color of a woman’s power. Her ability to create life makes her superior to a man.”
“I doubt many men would agree. Do you? Are women superior because they can give birth?”
“I believe a woman’s ability to conceive makes her special. Neither sex is superior.”
“A diplomatic answer.”
“No, I’m being honest. Men and women have different strengths. Where one is weak, the other is strong. We were created that way on purpose. Conception may be a miracle, but the act that brings it about is commonplace, so I’d argue that the willingness to raise a child after its birth is more important than either conception or delivery.”
“I agree with that.”
He showed her the rest of the cave, the back room, the little basin of water suitable for washing utensils but not to drink.
“I keep a few supplies and wood for a fire,” he explained. “I come here when I need to clear my head.”
“You spend the night?”
“Sometimes. As a boy I spent a lot of nights here.”
“Alone?” She shivered as if she had a chill. “I don’t think I’d be brave enough for that.”
“I always believed the souls of my ancestors watched over me.”
Her eyes widened, and she glanced about with trepidation.
“They aren’t here right now, are they?”
He laughed loudly, his voice echoing off the rock.
THE CREEK was high due to runoff from all the snowfall, and Susannah seemed nervous at crossing the narrow log bridge.
“I should admit I don’t swim well, hardly at all. If I fall in, don’t expect me to be able to save myself.”
Ryan took her hand. “We’ll cross together. I only see one icy patch. Step over it.”
Despite her uneasiness, she went ahead, and they made it to the other side without incident. Upstream they climbed through rocks pushed to the surface by recent volcanic activity, “recent” meaning a few hundred thousand years ago.
The hot springs was another of his secret places, thirty minutes from the cave. Not even his siblings knew about this spot. Susannah laughed with delight when she saw the series of pools, steam rising from their surfaces.
“We can go in? The water isn’t too hot?”
“The temperature’s usually perfect, but since the water’s heated by vents in the earth and they can be unpredictable, I’m careful to check first before I go in.”
“Which should we try?”
“That one has the best depth for sitting and relaxing. The thermometer on the post over here tells me it’s safe.”
They stayed in the pool for more than an hour, splashing, soaking, making love.
“Do you suppose your great-great-whatever-grandparents played like this?” she asked, settling against his side.
“Probably.”
“I feel like I’m in our own little Garden of Eden.”
“Isn’t this better than Paris?”
“Mm…different.” She rubbed her hand across his naked chest and down his stomach to his groin. He inhaled as she teased him with her fingers.
“What has Paris got that my mountain doesn’t?”
“The Eiffel Tower, cafés that serve real French onion soup, the River Seine…”
“Are those things really so important?”
“They are if you’ve never experienced them. I want to see and do everything I can while I’m still young enough.”
“So you keep reminding me.”
He climbed out of the pool, his joy in the day tarnished.
“Ryan?”
“Time to leave.”
“Are you mad at me?”
“Not mad. Disappointed.” He grabbed a towel and hastily began to dry off before the cold air chilled him.
She followed him out and sought her own towel.
“I don’t understand why you’re hell-bent on running all over the world when the best it has to offer you is right here,” he said. “It’s crazy.”
“That’s not fair! You’ve seen this world you say isn’t as special as your mountain. I haven’t. You get to fly places and visit clients all the time.”
“Not anymore.”
“But you used to before Nia got sick, and you will again when she’s well. Plus, you’ve been to other countries. All I’ve ever done is drive through a few states.”
They quickly hopped into their clothes.
“That’s a minor problem. I could take you with me when I travel on business and we’ll plan vacations anywhere you want to go.”
“That sounds very much like a commitment.”
“Maybe it is.”
“Only a few days ago you weren’t ready for one.”
“Things can change in a few days.”
“We hardly know each other.”
“I know enough about you to be certain I don’t want you walking out of my life in three weeks.” He took a breath and tried to calm down. “Stay longer. Give us…six months. If you’re not happy at the end of it and still want to go, I’ll help you pack.”
“Ryan, I…” She shook her head. “I’m not ready for this. It’s too soon.”
He clasped her by the shoulders. “You’re scared. I understand that. The last few years have been tough for you. But you can’t keep running away from life.”
“I’m not. I’m embracing life.”
“Are you? How? By jumping off bridges? Susannah, real life isn’t an adrenaline rush. It’s ballet lessons…and playing the tooth fairy… It’s sitting up with your spouse after the kids have gone to bed to talk about each other’s day. Don’t you want that? Don’t you want to be part of a family again, to love and be loved?”
“Yes, someday. Maybe.”
He let his hands drop. “Maybe?”
“The pain of Andrew’s desertion and the memories of what I had to endure during my mother’s illness are still too fresh for me to know what I want. That’s my whole reason for traveling and seeing new things. Until my mother died I’d hardly ever been out of Georgia. My only experience living on my own had been the year away at college, and that was in the next state. You have a strong sense of who you are and what your place is on this planet. Who am I? What’s my place?”
“I can’t answer that for you.”
“Which is my point. You’re asking me to choose a life that might not be the right one for me.”
“You won’t know if it’s right until you give it a fair chance.”
“I won’t know it’s right until I see what else is out there.”
“Do you hear yourself? You’re talking about love by default, of settling for it only if you can’t find something more exciting. Well, sorry, sweetheart, that’s not the way it works. And I don’t buy your flimsy excuse for running off. If you’re really free, then you can decide to stay just as much as you can decide to go. You’re letting that stupid list dictate what you do, and that’s worse than being confused about what you want and who you are.”
Fully dressed, he jerked up the backpack and headed out. She fell in behind him.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You’re too damn late.”
THEY WORKED in near silence the rest of the afternoon. Susannah felt miserable. Ryan would hardly look at her. He only spoke when she asked him a question.
She tried to apologize again, but he refused to discuss the issue anymore.
“I have work to do in back,” he finally said, picking up a hammer and leaving.
Susannah slumped in the chair. What had started out as a lovely day was ruined and she didn’t know how to fix it. She didn’t want Ryan mad at her, but she also wasn’t going to lie to him. Why did he have to push so hard? He was asking too much of her.
Clearly it would be best for both of them if she simply left, but how could she when she’d made promises she couldn’t break?
Ryan expected her to join the family for the Winter Solstice celebration on December 22. Then there was the center dedication and community party on Christmas Eve when he’d unveil the mosaic. She didn’t want to miss that.
Nia would be heartbroken if she didn’t attend the ballet recital on the eighteenth or sew that costume. And Sandy Cummings was counting on her participation.
She also had to complete the basket she’d volunteered to make for the arts cooperative. And she couldn’t leave without first making Christmas presents for the family.
Okay, she’d have to stick it out until the morning of December 25. Picking up the calendar, she counted the days. Twenty-one. Christmas was just three weeks from today.
She’d take the advice she’d given Nia yesterday and act as if nothing had happened. Ryan couldn’t stay mad at her forever.
He banged away with his hammer all afternoon, occasionally coming in to pick up tiles but not speaking even once.
When it was time to leave, Susannah walked to the door and poked her head inside. He was pounding at a stack of tile he’d wrapped in a sheet, breaking them into random pieces.
He noticed her and took off his safety glasses.
“What?”
“Nia wanted me to get her today so we could buy the material for her costume. Is that okay with you?”
“Fine.”
“Are the three of us still going over to Bass and Helen’s later?” Helen had come home from the hospital the day before with baby Maggie, and Nia wanted to see her. She’d been too young to go upstairs the night they’d driven to the hospital.
“If you still want to,” Ryan said.
“I do. How about if I pick up some chicken on the way back? We can take it with us. I’ll get enough for Helen and Bass.”
“That’s fine.” He put down his hammer and reached for his wallet.
“I’ll pay for it.”
“No, you won’t.” He came to the door and tried to hand her several bills.
“I said I’ll get it.”
“Take the money.”
“No, I’ve got money.”
They argued back and forth until he shook his head. “Damn, you can be downright stubborn at times,” he said, a hint of a smile on his lips.
“No more than you.”
“Will you take the damn money?”
“Only if you give me a kiss and tell me you don’t hate me.”
“You know I don’t hate you, Susannah. I wouldn’t be so pissed off if I hated you. That’s my problem.”
“Ryan, please don’t be mad. We have so little time left together. I can’t bear the thought of us spending it arguing.”
He sighed deeply and nodded. “You’re right. I’m sorry I lost my temper.”
“And I’m sorry I made you lose it. Can we please not fight about this?”
“Come here.” He took hold of her shirt and pulled her into his arms. He kissed her deeply and lovingly. “I want you to be happy. Go wherever you feel you have to. See all those places you’ve dreamed about. I promise I won’t try to make you stay.”
“Thank you.”
She should’ve been glad, but for some reason she felt even more miserable than before.
THE BABY WAS as cute as Susannah remembered and Helen seemed to be recovering well.
Nia found the infant fascinating. She’d been warned by her daddy not to touch it, but that didn’t stop her from standing by the bassinet and gazing at Maggie with wonder while she slept.
She drove Helen crazy asking questions. What did she eat? Why were her fingernails so little? Why did she have a bandage on her belly button? Did she have a boo boo?
Bass teased her and said they’d found Maggie growing in a pumpkin patch. The place on her stomach was where she’d been attached to the plant.
As if she’d been slapped, Nia burst into tears and ran to Ryan, crawling into his lap for consolation.
“Hey, what is it?” Nia didn’t answer, only sobbed harder. Susannah tried to comfort her. She pushed her hand away.
“Honestly, Bass,” Helen scolded. “Did you have to upset the child?”
“What did I say?”
Their voices and Nia’s crying woke the baby. Helen picked her up and walked about, trying to soothe her.
“Nia, honey,” she said gently, pacing back and forth, “Uncle Bass was only teasing. Maggie didn’t grow on a pumpkin. You remember me showing you my big tummy and telling you the baby was inside?”
Her cries dwindled to sniffles.
“You put your hand there and felt the baby moving around. Remember?”
Nia nodded hesitantly.
“Hey, kiddo, I’m sorry,” Bass told her. “I didn’t mean to make you cry. I was only playing with you. We didn’t find Maggie. Helen and I made her.”
“How?” Nia wanted to know.
“Uh, with sugar and spice and everything nice.”
“Will she melt?” Her bottom lip trembled.
“Oh, Bass,” Helen said, clearly exasperated. She told Nia, “With love, honey. Bass and I made Maggie with love. And that means she’ll always be here.”
The baby finally stopped crying and immediately began rooting for a nipple.
“She’s hungry,” Helen said. “Let me go feed her and put her to bed.”
Susannah and Ryan stayed another hour and then came home and put Nia to bed, as well. She’d been strangely subdued since her crying spell.
“That was all a bit unnerving,” Susannah said when she’d fallen asleep and Ryan had returned to the den. “Why would Bass’s joke have gotten her so upset?”
“She told me it wasn’t right for people to take babies away. I think she believed they’d found Maggie and decided to keep her.”
“I guess when you’re six, childbirth is a confusing concept.”
“No kidding. You should’ve heard her asking me questions about how Bass and Helen made the baby.”
“What did you tell her?”
“I more or less repeated what Helen said, that sometimes a man and woman can love each other so much that a baby is the result.”
“That satisfied her?”
“Yeah, except she turned around and asked me if I’d loved her mother, which threw me for a loop. I didn’t know what to say. I’d just told her babies were conceived with love so I didn’t want her to think she wasn’t.”
“How did you handle it?”
“I told her I loved her mother in my own way.”
“You did the right thing. She was looking for reassurance and you gave it to her, but you didn’t lie.”
“When she’s older, she’ll understand my relationship with Carla better. Hell, when I’m older maybe I will, too.”
“What do you mean?”
“Nothing. I’m tired and talking crazy. I worked too late last night.”
He stretched out on the couch on his stomach and laid his head on her thigh. She rubbed his back while he talked to her, telling about the first time he’d seen Nia.
“She was ugly as sin. Blotchy red. No hair whatsoever.”
“And you loved her on sight.”
“Yeah, I did. Amazing, isn’t it, how something so tiny can have so much power over you? Until I brought Nia home, I didn’t realize how much I could love someone. I mean, I love my mother and my family, but when it’s your kid… Hell, listen to me. I sound like some old sap.”
“I don’t think so. There’s something incredibly sexy about a man who can have so much devotion to a child.”
She ran her fingers through his luxurious hair.
“Mm, that feels good.” He yawned twice in rapid succession.
A few minutes later, his breathing deepened and he dropped off to sleep. Susannah didn’t disturb him but continued to touch his back and head, enjoying the intimacy of it.
This was what he’d meant by “real” life, a man and woman talking at the end of the day, taking comfort in being with each other, sharing both the good and bad. She had to admit it was nice.
She looked up. Nia stood in the doorway.
“I wet my bed,” she said.
Susannah sighed to herself.
This, too, was real life.