So that is how I met my Matt – doing a drug deal for quarter of a kilo of Billy in the Kent countryside.
I hardly know where to begin telling you about Matt. It sounds like a cliche and it is a cliche but he was the love of my life. As usual with me and men, things took a turn for the worse but it is true to say that Matt is still in my heart and will be until the day I die. I can’t see any other man changing that now. I wasn’t to know when I met him on a fine summer’s day in the Kent countryside in 1995 that he would become such a massive part of my life, and that the end of our love affair would lead me to plot four murders. And I couldn’t know then that he himself would meet a violent end and throw my world into turmoil. But by now violence was becoming an occupational hazard with me. The world I was in was the only one that offered me a way to support John and, as far as I was concerned, that was the end of it.
One day, on the way back from France, I popped in to my mate’s house in Kent for a cup of tea and a chat, just to break the journey up and – wow! – there was Matt standing in the front room. He was big, strong looking and handsome, and he had an air about him. Confidence, I suppose you would call it. He was sure of himself, all right. You know, looking back now, I think it was love at first sight but, given everything I had been through with men, I wasn’t about to admit that to myself straight away. I mean, I’d only popped in for a cup of tea and my knees had gone weak and my heart was going pitter-pat. I had to fight it. I pretended not to like Matt in the beginning. As it was, I mistook that self-confidence for arrogance at first. And I’d been let down by men who thought that, just because I was a bird, they had something over on me. By now I knew different and was behaving accordingly at every opportunity. No bloke was going to dominate me just because he was male. He had to have something to back it up. I was no pushover. I wanted the love and care that so many other women had and, above all, I needed real loyalty because it was betrayal that had ruined all my past relationships.
Matt was a giant, yet as calm as you like. He was waiting for some Billy, which hadn’t arrived and, when I got there, he was having a bit of a moan. He was saying to my pal, ‘You’re bloody useless, mate. Where’s my gear? I got people to see and places to go. I can’t be sitting around here all day chewing the fat with you. Know what I mean, son?’
It was as if I wasn’t even in the room. I thought to myself, he fancies himself a bit. I wouldn’t let him talk to me like that. But at the same time, I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I was just about to pipe up in my mate’s defence and it was as if my mate could read my mind – he gave me a look. It was a kind of gesture which said, ‘Leave it, Jane. Don’t mess with this geezer.’ Well, I was dealing in a bit of Billy in those days and, since I could see the problem, I thought I could help him out and I knew my mate knew that. So I bit my tongue until he gave me the nod.
‘Jane here might be able to help you out, Matt,’ my mate said. Can you do my very good friend Matt here a quarter-kilo of speed, Jane?’
Well, that cheered me up straight away and I agreed, especially as I’d only popped in for a cup of tea. That was a £1,250 deal and a nice little earner. I told him I was putting £500 on top as my earner but Matt insisted on giving me £750 – well over the odds – for helping him out of a spot. I liked his style. Even so, I told Matt I thought he was a bit full of himself. ‘But now that I’ve earned this money off you, I must say, you’re not that bad, are you?’ I joked.
‘If I’m not that bad, can I take you out then?’ he came back as quick as you like and I agreed immediately. I couldn’t see the point in pretending. I had never met a man I had felt so instantly attracted to. He was direct and I liked that in a man. He took after my own heart. We exchanged phone numbers and Matt said he would call me in a couple of days. I was excited by him. I could tell he was dangerous and cocksure. And, of course, he was a villain. But I had done the loyal mother-and-provider bit for so long that I reckoned I was entitled to bit of excitement. I was tingling all over when he left but I tried not to show it.
‘Listen, Jane, I know you like him,’ my mate said. ‘The electricity in the room as soon as you walked in said it all. But Matt is a bloody nutter so you are going to have to be careful of him. I don’t want to see you get hurt.’
I said to my mate, ‘He’s a nutter? What about me? I’m a bloody nutter too and he might need to be careful of me. Anyway, he is just the way I like them… big and good looking and with a bit about him.’ And, oh my, did Matt have a bit about him. He was six-foot-six and twenty-five stone of solid muscle. Now I know that may be hard to believe but that was him. He trained at his own gym all the time and he had muscles everywhere. They used to say he had muscles on his ears. Think of Arnold Schwarzenegger and you begin to get the idea. He had a home in Kent, near Ashford, but I think he spent more time in the gym than he did at home, to be honest. All he told me was that he came from Omagh, in County Tyrone, Northern Ireland but had settled in Kent. He bought and sold expensive sports cars, dealt in drugs, had a little security operation for clubs and gigs and kept Alsatians and a rottweiler. He had his fingers in a few pies and was doing very well for himself.
So that is how I met my Matt – doing a drug deal for a quarter-kilo of Billy in the Kent countryside. Or should I say, Mad Matt? That was his nickname because there was nothing he wouldn’t do. He was fearless and a bit crazy with it. Two days later he rang me and we made a date. It was my 29th birthday in a couple of days so we decided to go out and celebrate.
On my birthday he pulled up outside my place in a Porsche. A Porsche! And because I told him on the phone I was into antiques, he had bought me a few things for my birthday. In fact, his car was full of presents – among them a beautiful bunch of red roses. My favourite flower. I couldn’t believe it. He made me feel so special. I felt on top of the world and I thought my dad was going to be so proud of me. I knew Matt was a villain but that was my life and Dad knew it too. Matt took me to a beautiful restaurant in Kent. I hadn’t felt like this about anybody for a long time. After the meal we went back to my place and I couldn’t believe the words I was hearing. ‘I’ve had a wonderful time, Jane,’ he said to me. ‘You’re not like all the rest. You are so beautiful and you’ve got some personality on you. I never know what you are going do or say next and I like that. I like it a lot.’ He took me up to my bedroom and we made love. After the years of struggle and disappointment, I let everything go. For that night I was a woman who didn’t have to be strong anymore. I knew I was falling in love big time and, boy, did I feel happy about it.
Those first few weeks went particularly well. He treated me like a lady whenever we met and, not only did I adore him, but I looked up to him because of the way he conducted himself. He never went looking for any trouble but you had that feeling he could handle it if it came looking for him. He lived in Kent and I was still busy doing the beer run so it is wasn’t even as if we had to be in each other’s pockets, which I think was a good thing in those early days. I also thought that one of the first rules of falling in love was never to mix business with pleasure but, with me and Matt, things were a little bit different because it was business that brought us together – the drugs business, that is. But then it did cause a problem.
He asked me for some more Billy but I didn’t have enough. He wanted a kilo and my usual contacts didn’t have that amount of gear. Matt played in the big league compared to me, I’ve got to be honest here. And that was one of the things that impressed me about him. I fancied him, all right. He brought excitement. I didn’t want to let him down so I had to go through another contact, which I didn’t like doing, normally. But I set it up and the new guy gave me a sample of the gear and it was good. So I did the deal and got the gear for Matt and, after paying me for it, he took it back to Kent.
Everything seemed fine until Matt phoned me later that day. ‘This gear is shit, Jane,’ he said. ‘You’ve been had over, which means I’ve been had over and I am not happy. I’m out five K. They gave me a good sample but then they switched the main delivery for a load of shit.’
I wasn’t happy at the news either. ‘Bring it back here, Matt,’ I said, ‘and I’ll give you your money back straight away.’
Matt came over and handed me the dodgy gear and I gave him his money back. ‘What are you going to do?’ he asked.
‘I’ll sort it,’ I said. ‘Don’t worry.’
‘No, I’ll sort it. I don’t want you getting in too deep on my account. This could be trouble,’ he said, putting his hand on my shoulder, all protective.
I knew he meant well but my independence had become so important to me. I had learned to rely on myself through thick and thin and, as much as I was already coming to love and trust Matt I knew he wanted to look out for me, I found it hard to stop looking out for myself because that was how I had survived so far. I looked up at him with loving eyes and said, ‘Now, look here, lover boy, I’m a big girl and can handle it. How do you think I managed before you arrived on the scene? Leave it to me, Matt.’
But he wasn’t happy. In fact, that was the understatement of the century. Matt was old school and he didn’t want his bird doing what he thought was his job. It would be fair to say he had the right hump with me for turning down his offer of help and him having the hump was giving me the right hump too. We started to argue. ‘Tell me who they are!’ he shouted. ‘You aren’t going nowhere. I am not having my bird running around getting nicked.’
I wasn’t having it. ‘Now, listen to me, Matt. I don’t need your help or anybody else’s. Do you understand me? You can’t tell me what to do.’ He was fuming but he didn’t say another word and just stormed out of my house. I was upset but the last thing I wanted was more arguments. I had got myself into this mess and I would get myself out of it. The day I started letting other people fight my battles for me would be the day I stopped being me and I couldn’t have that. It would be bad all round. Matt still had a lot to learn about me.
I got my guns and I went to see the middleman who had done us over. Once in his house, I told him the gear wasn’t the same as the tester he gave me. I didn’t want to start off heavy. ‘I want my money back, mate, simple as that,’ I said. ‘I’m not happy. I’ve just rowed with my Matt over this.’ He looked scared but it wasn’t me he was worried about. He told me he hadn’t got my money and that he had bought the gear off someone else. He had been done over too.
‘Take me to them,’ I told him.
‘These are proper gangsters, Jane. I’m not too sure about fronting them about this. They’ll kill you. It’s some crew from Essex. There is nothing you or me can do.’
But I don’t scare that easily. ‘I don’t care if it’s the fucking Kray twins themselves who are behind what has happened. No one’s having me over. Fucking take me to them.’
He couldn’t decide whether he was more scared of them or of my guns. In the end, he took me, bringing his brother along as muscle. We ended up at a pub and, while my middle-man went inside for a quick sneak preview, we waited for him to come back out. He told us there were about 30 of them in there. ‘Leave it, Jane. It’s fucking suicide. They’re drinking and tooled up. I know this crew. Leave it, babe.’
I didn’t hesitate. ‘Let’s get in there then,’ I said. I started walking and he followed me. Once again, I wasn’t sure if he was more frightened of me or them.
The gangsters were all in their suits, looking well flash. Me? I was in my army gear – combat trousers, DM boots, green T-shirt and bomber jacket. My 9mm Browning automatic pistol was in one pocket and my German Mauser pistol was in the other. My pal pointed out the boss and over I went.
I told him straight that I wanted my money back. ‘You sold shit gear to him,’ I said, nodding at my pal. ‘And he sold it to me and I sold it to someone very important to me. So give me my money back and we can call it quits.’
His boys all stopped what they were doing. I’d got their attention now. You might think I was frightened at this point or in over my head. But I felt totally in control, razor sharp and ready for them. I knew they wanted to have a go. Me being a bird, they would think I was easy but I was double ready. The boss’s boys were looking a bit puzzled, as if to say, ‘Look at the brass neck on it.’ All the same, they started making to get their tools out. When the boss himself said, ‘Get this lady away from me,’ I knew it wasn’t going to be civilised. Yet I already knew I had one thing in my favour – his words meant he had underestimated me and I knew that also meant he was slow off the mark.
Before he had even finished speaking I’d pulled my 9mm Browning out of my jacket and blown a hole in the ceiling. While he and his crew were gazing at the damage, I stepped forward, smashed his front teeth out with the barrel of the gun and held it in his mouth. ‘I am no fucking lady, you piece of shit!’ I screamed like a mad bitch ready to shoot the lot of them. Everybody crouched down or hit the floor. Everyone apart from the boss, the middle-man and his brother, that was. ‘I want my money back now or I’m going to blow you away, then your mum and dad and all your fucking kids, you ponce!’ I screamed. Of course, I wouldn’t have hurt his family. But he wasn’t to know that.
Blood was pouring out of his mouth and all his hard boys were on the floor, just staring. Their eyes were darting from me, back to their boss and back to me again to me, as if to say, ‘What do we do now, boss?’ But their boss was just standing there, blood pouring from his mouth. A damp patch appeared on his trousers. He had started to wet himself. I heard a noise behind me.
I whipped out my Mauser while still holding the Browning in this so-called gangster’s mouth. I aimed at the noise, keeping my eyes on the boss. When I glanced over, I saw that the disturbance had come from one of his boys – another wannabe gangster crawling from behind the pool table on the brink of tears. ‘Just give her back her money. It’s not worth it,’ he said.
‘Get fucking down, you ponce!’ I screamed.
It was almost funny. My middle-man had said I was dealing with proper gangsters but here we were, the boss had pissed himself with fear and his boys were crying. So these were the Essex boys, I thought. What a joke. But now I could hear sirens. I told my man to go out and get the car. His brother was now acting like Al Capone, bless him. I didn’t blame him. It was like something out of a film and he was loving every minute of this. Everybody was frozen, wanting me to leave before the law arrived. I backed away towards the door, still holding my guns on them as our car pulled up outside. On the way out I said, ‘I’m giving you one week – and only one week – to return my money. Yous aren’t gangsters. Yous are a load of cardboard cutouts. Proper men don’t have people over and they definitely don’t cry or piss themselves. You think I’d put my freedom on the line for scum like yous to take away what is mine? I’d die first. One week.’
With that, I was gone. I don’t know what they told the coppers when they arrived. If they had any sense, which, to be honest, was asking a lot, they would have been out of there. When we got back home, Matt was waiting. I didn’t know how he knew but word must have got out that something had gone down and Matt looked proper worried. In a way, that was when I knew he loved me. I planned to say nothing and act all surprised at him being there, while trying to keep my guns hidden inside my jacket. I knew he would not be happy about what has just gone down.
‘What are you doing here, handsome?’ I said. I could see he wasn’t going to have it but, before I could say anything else, Al Capone blew it for me.
‘You should have seen her, Matt. She blew a hole through the ceiling and put them all on the floor. The boss pisses himself. She’s knocked his teeth out when she’s smashed the gun in his mouth. Then we’ve done one and she’s given them a week to pay or else it’s more of the same. They were shitting themselves. I’ve never seen anything like it, her being a bird an’ all.’ I gave him a bit of a look at that last bit because I hadn’t met a man who was my match yet, apart from the big man standing in front of me.
Al Capone’s words hadn’t gone down too well with Matt. I knew he still wanted me to be a normal woman. The middle-man was smirking but not for long. ‘I can’t believe my own ears,’ Matt said, grabbing him by the throat, his face contorted with rage. ‘What do yous think is funny?’ I could see the anger in his face and that was why I had told them not to say anything but Al Capone just hadn’t been able to help it.
I started to calm Matt down, pulling him off the middle-man. ‘It’s not their fault, babe,’ I pleaded.
‘Don’t you get it, Jane? I love you,’ he said. ‘I’ll take care of you from now on and John too. I don’t want you to go to work. I don’t want you dealing in drugs and I definitely don’t want you running around with guns and shooting pubs up.’
But I told him to stop worrying because that was what I did and all I knew. But he was fuming and told the middle-man and his brother to leave us, and they did. By now they couldn’t wait to get away from Matt. He had that sort of effect on people.
We started to argue. ‘You’re not doing no more deals. You’re not going to work. I just want to love you!’ he screamed. ‘You’re going to end up dead or doing a life sentence. Please, Jane, let me provide for you. I’ll pay you not to work and everything you need, I’ll get it for you.’
I loved this man with all my heart by now and he gave me two choices – my old life or him. I so wanted to be cared for and loved by a man who could truly be my everything. My knight in shining armour. No man had ever given me anything. I had always supported myself and I still could. I was always the one who was the provider and it felt like a dream come true for somebody, at last, to have come along and rescued me from this world of crime and villains. It wasn’t the money, as I had plenty of that myself because I’d made a small fortune doing the beer run. It was the love, the care and the passion that made me want this man like I’d never wanted any man before. I chose Matt.
Matt moved in and I stopped doing the beer run but I hadn’t forgotten about my money. A week went by and I still hadn’t had it back. While Matt was at work one day, I went and saw a man who knew the Essex mob. He told me they owned a dry cleaner in Harold Hill but he had now heard about Matt and was more than worried about him. Matt had already warned people that they would have to answer to him if they got me involved in trouble. He said he didn’t want to be the one to take me to them but I wasn’t interested in listening to his excuses. I told him he was taking me to them. He said Matt would kill him. I just pulled out my Browning, put it to his head and told the poor sod, ‘Yeah but I’ll kill you first.’
When we got to the dry cleaner, my man begged me to let him go in first to try to sort it out without violence. I agreed. But when he came out, he had a worried look on his face. They had just done a runner out the back door. I wasn’t amused. I went in that shop and smashed the place to pieces. I was fuming because I hadn’t thought they were total cowards and would do a runner like that. After hiding my guns back in the usual place, I returned home.
When Matt got home, I said, ‘I’m going to have to do the Essex mob. It’s been a week and I still ain’t got my money and they definately ain’t getting away with it.’ I knew this business wasn’t going to end well and I had to tell him what was going to happen, out of respect. That put him in a bad mood straight away.
‘No, you’re not going to do anyone,’ he said. ‘You promised not to get into more trouble. I’ll sort them out.’ I agreed. I owed him that much.
Matt went out that night with a mate and a few hours later he came back with my money. I was over the moon. I thought I’d end up having to do someone but now it was done thanks to him. But at the same time, I knew that being a kept woman didn’t work for me. Matt wanted to be with me all the time. The problem was that I found it hard to change overnight, just like that. The more Matt was trying to rein me in, the less I liked it. I could have coped with the love and care he gave me but it was the control I couldn’t handle. I had gone from being my own person to him owning me and it wasn’t long before things started to change for the worse.
Matt got so controlling that it was unbearable. He stopped all my friends coming over. He didn’t like any of them and he kept telling me they weren’t my friends and that they didn’t really like me. They were just using me, he would say. I was cracking up mentally over it. I wasn’t allowed out. I wasn’t allowed to have visitors and I felt like he was psychologically destroying me. All he did was put me down. The clothes I wore weren’t right, the way I had my hair wasn’t right and he said everything and anything he could think of was wrong with me. He did it in such a nice and loving way that I felt he was right. A part of me believed him but the other part of me was fighting it all the way. I really did try to be everything he wanted me to be. He said that he wanted to buy a house in the middle of the forest for me, him and John so that nobody could come near us. Oh, how I tried to be his everything but, in my heart, I knew it wouldn’t work. I wanted so badly to stop being a criminal and be the woman Matt wanted but I couldn’t. And what’s more, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t be his prisoner at any price. My heart was breaking.
I worried about my independence and how I would cope if it all ended tomorrow with Matt. So, while I didn’t take up the beer run again, I was still doing little deals on puff and Billy without him knowing about it. It wasn’t easy. As part of the way he was controlling me, he had said I was too good to do housework and had got one of his mates to do it. This was just his way of keeping an eye on me. I started to resent it because I felt like he was checking up on me in my own home. I went from doing everything for myself to doing nothing apart from a few deals when Matt was out of the house.
He would say, ‘All I want you to do is sit there, look gorgeous and do your nails.’ But there was more to life than that. And there was more to me. I kept on with my own bits of business, not least because I knew that one day I would return to my old life and would need something to fall back on.
Inevitably, one day he came home early while I was just about to do a little deal. I had to wait for him to fall asleep in the afternoon and then I was off out the door. All the way back I prayed he hadn’t woken up. I crept back in but it was too late – he was already out looking for me. I was going to get into bother again when he got back. I had to think fast. When he returned, I told him I’d been at a car-boot fair. I even had some shopping to make it look good but he wasn’t stupid. He knew what I’d been up to and went mad, chucking the shopping all over the street and barring me from going out at all.
‘What happens to your son when you get blown away or a life sentence?’ he raged. ‘You don’t care, do you?’
To tell you the truth, I never thought about getting shot or caught. I never looked at that possibility. By now I thought I was untouchable – a dangerous way to think but, at that time, that was how I felt. But I also knew that Matt was just trying to possess and control me, which was a completely new experience. The gypsy in me was a wild and free spirit and I just couldn’t handle it. It wasn’t right and I wasn’t having it, no matter what the consequences. It wasn’t that Matt wasn’t worth it. He was but the word ‘compromise’ didn’t enter either of our heads. I fought against him all the way and the rows got worse.
He kept me indoors for about three months after that incident, saying I couldn’t be trusted. I wasn’t even allowed to go out to the shops. I was getting really down and couldn’t handle it. So I did a runner. I went to the house of a mate who Matt didn’t know. I knew Matt would go out looking for me. And anyone who was hiding me would find themselves in trouble too. I was gone for three days before I rang Matt and he pleaded with me to come home. I had to admit I was missing him so, against my better judgment, I decided to return. I phoned a cab, thanked my mate for letting me stay and set off for home. When I reached my house, Matt was waiting outside and I could already see he’d got the right hump. Even as the cab pulled up, I could see he was going to start on me so I told the cab driver, ‘Go, go, go! Or this geezer will kill me.’ The cab started to take off and Matt started running after us – a sight to put the fear of God into anyone. So the cabby stopped.
I jumped out and Matt ran past me, opened the driver’s door and grabbed the driver by the throat. ‘Where did you pick her up from?’ And the cabby told him. I already knew I was in trouble but now I knew I could have got my mate in the worst trouble of his life. You see, I was learning that nobody went against Matt and got away with it. Hiding his missus from him was bad news for my mate. I was losing it by now. I should have known that Matt wasn’t going to let me get away with running away. I was losing my touch. I might have bought a lot of trouble to my mate, although, in the end, it seemed to blow over.
Matt shouted and screamed at me but never hit me. He would never do that because he loved me so much. He had once grabbed me by the hair and I’d hit him over the head with a metal bar. The bar just bounced off him. I’m serious. He was a hard, hard man. He just took a deep breath, shook his head and said, ‘That hurt.’ But I felt like I had just smashed the bar into a concrete post. I knew it was just as well he loved me too much to hit me as one punch from him would have killed me. The only way to beat him would have been to shoot him and I would never have done that. I loved him and, although he was controlling, I knew it was out of the love he had for me. He would blame others and lash out at them before getting to me, and he was so proud of me. When I got dressed up and we went out to dinner, he loved it but, when the other blokes looked at me, we would start to row, as if it was my fault. He bragged to his mates about how gorgeous I was but it also made him possessive. That was the problem.
Some time later we were off in the Porsche to see some posh people he had done a bit of business with. I got a McDonald’s on the way because I was starving. When we were nearly there, he said, ‘Jane, don’t show me up. Get rid of that Big Mac.’ So I chucked it into a bin before I had even finished it. ‘And don’t talk when we’re there. Your voice is so common. Let me do the talking.’
I was shocked. He had made me feel cheap. But I agreed. ‘OK, babe. I won’t say a word,’ I said. But I was fuming. I’d had enough of being controlled by now.
We pulled up and got out of the car and this polite, posh man came over to greet us. He shook Matt’s hand and said, ‘Hello,’ and then he turned to me. ‘And who is this gorgeous creature?’
I just looked at him. ‘Don’t fucking talk to me, you ponce,’ I sneered. Nodding at Matt, I added, ‘He’s just told me I’m not good enough to speak to you so yous had better not speak to me.’ It shit him right up. Who is manipulating who now? I thought. Well, Matt just grabbed me by the hair and dragged me back into the car.
‘Shut the fuck up, you mad bitch!’ he screamed.
‘How did I do?’ I asked him, laughing my head off. ‘Common enough for you, babe? I think it went very well. I think they were very impressed and we’ll definitely be asked round again soon. Don’t you, darling?’
He was fuming but so was I. I was always very respectful to people. I treated them how they treated me and I wasn’t going to be told I wasn’t good enough. Not even by my Matt. He knew he was wrong, in his heart. And he also knew it wasn’t in me to be diplomatic. When God made me, he left that bit out. If you want to insult me, you had better be ready for what’s coming back because you can be sure that it’s definitely coming.
Then one day, early in the morning, the front door came crashing through without any warning. It was the law. Matt and I had been fast asleep. As we laid in bed Matt whispered to me, ‘You’ve got nothing in here, have you? No gear, no guns?’
‘No,’ I lied.
I had the hand guns and rifles, which I owned legally, and I had my collection of Colt pistols in the safe. Now, they were all fully legal because they were over a hundred years old and classed as antiques. And my bullet-making gear in the safe was also legal because it was made up of legal components. The police were there for about six hours and they didn’t find anything at all. But they did, at one point, ask me what was in the safe and, when I told them, ‘Guns,’ it threw them a bit. I told them I was a collector and they opened the safe and, of course, all the guns were in there. I told them they were all legal but they still took them out and said that, if they were legal, I would get them all back later on. Apart from that, they didn’t find anything so we were safe.
When they left, I showed Matt half an ounce of puff I had in my pocket and told him the police were idiots. I was just going to tell him about what was under the shed when he slapped me across the face and went into one, big time. ‘You’re the fucking idiot,’ he said. ‘I told you not to do nothing or have anything in the house but, no, you think you’re clever. What happens if you’d got caught with that half an ounce? You don’t care. Me and John, we’ll be left picking up the pieces.’ So I didn’t tell him about what was under the shed. He was mad enough already. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt me, I thought.
Sure enough, I got my guns, rifles and bullet-making gear back from the police but I had to go to collect it all from Romford police station. Their arms officer said that my collection was one of the best he had ever seen. I was well impressed with that. I mean, they had seen a lot of weapons and my collection was one of the best. And they still didn’t know what was under the garden shed.
By now Matt and I were arguing 24/7 and just hurting each other all the time, even though we loved each other. It had to come to a head because I had to keep rebelling. It just wouldn’t work, mainly because I was too much of a free spirit and I couldn’t be what he wanted me to be. I couldn’t have my life ruled by a man and I couldn’t get away from him because he was too big and strong. I couldn’t shoot him because I loved him. But when he was away from me, I missed him so I got myself into a right state. And to make matters worse, him and John had become very close and John really liked him, which, of course, was good. But the rowing was not good for John. And I didn’t want my son seeing me unhappy. It just was not right. I was trying to hide it all from John but it was hard.
However, in the end, I’d had enough of him controlling me and despite everything I’d thought through so many times, I pulled a gun on him. ‘Get out now, Matt,’ I told him. ‘This is no good for either of us and it’s no good for John. I won’t let us destroy him.’
Now, say what you want about Matt but he loved my boy like his own and those words sank in. He walked away when I said that. And, let’s be honest, even a bird with a gun couldn’t have made Matt do that if he didn’t want to. So he did do the right thing. But it wasn’t to last.
A couple of weeks later I was driving to buy a bit of puff in Kent. Matt happened to see me on the road and started to come after me in one of the many cars he owned. I put my foot down but he caught me easily, cutting me up and heading me off. He got out of the car, punched in the windows of my van with his bare hands and dragged me through the window. Cars were slowing down and people were watching. He was trying to put me in the boot of his motor but I fought him all the way. Two cars crashed because they were watching us. A police van pulled up and two coppers got out and started to come over. I was screaming for help but Matt just shouted that it was a domestic and put me in the boot. They didn’t lift a finger. I couldn’t believe it. Then he drove off in his car with my van abandoned on a roundabout near Ashford, in Kent, with a smashed window and the engine still running. He took me to a house I had never seen before – one of his safe houses, I guessed. I was basically under house arrest by Matt and his mates. A right old state of affairs.
He went back to get the van and I knew he might find I had a squirter (a plastic bottle with ammonia to squeeze in a fight), a knuckle duster and a joint in the glove box. The only thing out of that lot that would worry him was the joint. Drugs were a big no-no with Matt, unless it came to selling them. I wasn’t even allowed to smoke fags in front of him, let alone a joint so I would be in big trouble when he found it. But by the time he got back to the van the two coppers had called for back-up and he was quickly arrested for the knuckle duster, squirter and joint in the glove box. Not good!
His mate came back and told me he’d been nicked and taken to Ashford station. I told the mate to take me to the police station. I might not have been getting on with Matt at that moment but I wasn’t about to let him take the fall for me. So off we went. I was arrested and they let Matt out. They asked me why I’d had the weapons and I told them I was going to use them to do Matt.
‘You what?’
‘Yeah but he won’t be bothered about that,’ I said. ‘We’ve got a love-hate relationship. It’s the joint he’s going to kill me for. He is very disapproving of drugs.’ I actually wanted them to arrest me and put me in a cell to keep Matt off me. I was scared about what he might do now. Things had got out of hand, to say the least. ‘Just keep me in here,’ I pleaded. ‘I’m guilty – they are my weapons, it’s my joint so just lock me up.’ To my horror, they chucked me out of the station after giving me a good talking to. They said how grateful I should be to have a man who was prepared to take me on. They thought I was madder than Matt. I got the big speech about how Matt was a decent, hard-working man who was trying to do the best by me and how I was an ungrateful woman. Well, I could see Matt had charmed the coppers around, just like he did everyone else. I didn’t have a chance. I was an unmarried mother from the East End with drugs and weapons so they took his side. They forgot all about him putting me in the boot of his car. But I suppose me telling them I was going to do Matt with the weapons didn’t help my case!
Matt was waiting for me when I got out and I was bang in trouble. I knew that he was not amused. He took me back to the safe house, where we rowed all night long. ‘I’ve got money. All you have to do is look beautiful. That’s all I want, Janie. Is that so hard? Most women would kill to be in your position,’ he kept saying. And he was right. They would. But I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t allow myself to be controlled or imprisoned by anyone. But love is the strongest drug of all. I agreed to his terms and promised I’d go back and stay with him and not get up to anything. But I knew, even as I said it, I was lying. I loved him so much but I knew I couldn’t keep my promise. All we were doing now was hurting each other.
I was also starting to get paranoid that Matt would take John away from me, as they were really close and, every time me and Matt had a break-up, he said he was going to take John. I was so worried that I told my boy that, if he went with Matt, he would lose all his mates and Matt would lock him up in a room. John was only 11 at the time and, if I’m honest, I was a bit jealous of their friendship. They got on so well. I hadn’t realised how much I’d worried John with talk of Matt taking him until one day when he was out with his mates at the local video shop. He rang me to say there were two blokes watching him from their Ford Escort van.
‘How many of you are there, John?’ I asked.
‘There’s about twenty of us, Mum,’ he said.
‘Don’t worry, babe, you’re all right. There are too many of yous for anyone to try anything.’ Poor John. I’d convinced him Matt was going to kidnap him but, in my heart, I didn’t think it would come to that. But then John called me back. The two blokes were Irish and I started worrying because Matt had told me he’d have two of his Irish boys take John to Ireland and that I’d never see him again. So, when I heard the word ‘Irish’ from John, I panicked. ‘I’m on my way,’ I said.
I grabbed my samurai sword, jumped in my van and flew round to the video shop. I could see the van with the two blokes in it and all the kids were outside the shop. I pulled across the front of the van and blocked them in. I jumped out with my sword and asked John, ‘Are these them?’ He said, “Yes,” and, straight away, I went for the door but the blokes knew they were in trouble. They had already locked the doors. They could see me with a big shiny sword – hardly a common sight – and they were panicking. I’d gone into Gran mode. No one was taking my boy.
I lifted the sword above my head, two-handed, and smashed it as hard as I could into the windscreen. It cracked and shattered but didn’t cave in so I started smashing the van as hard and as many times as I could. I wanted to get at these blokes. They knew now that, if I got to them, they would be in mortal danger but they couldn’t drive away as my van was blocking them in. So, in a blind panic, they ground the gears, dropped the clutch and lurched straight at me. They were trying to run me over. The van mounted the pavement, I jumped out of the way and, wheels spinning and gears crunching, they sped off. I had smashed their van to pieces and, when they reached a safe distance, they stopped and one of them got out. ‘You’re a fucking nutter!’ he shouted. ‘We’re calling the police.’
Now, I had my sword gripped in both hands out in front of me and I shouted back, ‘You’re scaring the kids! Don’t scare the kids!’ They drove off.
I looked round and there must have been a couple of hundred people watching me. They were probably thinking I was scaring the kids more than the men in the van were, which was a fair point. It certainly looked like I was scaring them. I had my Gran face on and I’d got a big sword held in both hands like I was ready to chop someone up, samurai-style. They must have been thinking it was like something out of Kill Bill. All I needed was a yellow leather catsuit and it would have been. But, fortunately, no violence was required. I just told John to get in the van and we went home for a cup of tea. The incident was the talk of Rainham for a while.
Matt phoned up later that day saying he had heard about what had happened and wanted to make sure me and John were OK.
I was fuming. ‘Don’t give me, “Am I OK?”’ I said. ‘You’ve sent two of your soldiers round to take my John. Well, they came proper unstuck, didn’t they?’
‘What are you on about, you stupid cow?’ he said. ‘I wouldn’t do that to you.’
‘Oh, fuck off,’ I said. That was the end of me and Matt. There was no going back now. He had frightened my boy by sending those men but it had backfired on him. I would have killed them if I had got into their van and Matt now knew it. Using my son to get at me was a no-go area. He had just crossed the line, big time. John and I were OK together. We had each other and that was what mattered the most. Matt was well and truly gone.
It was sad for me at first though. Despite everything, I really loved Matt and my heart was broken. I had more money than I could count from all the beer runs. There were more people around me than I needed, yet I was the unhappiest and loneliest person in the room. You see, everybody was your mate when you had everything, which, at that time, I did. But Matt and I were finished. I was all smiles on the outside, for the world, but in my heart and soul I was sobbing like a baby. Well, this is what you wanted, girl, I told myself. So get a grip and get back to what you do best. I had my John and I didn’t need anyone else. As long as John was OK, I was OK. And John was, as always, the perfect son.
Life went on.