All I ever wanted to be was a nobody, living a normal life with a loving family.
I had been out of prison for a while now and I was going through all my old prison stuff when I came across a letter from an old friend of mine called Frank. He had sent me a letter and a Valentine’s card quite a while back, when I was in prison.
I was disappointed in receiving the card, as Frank had been with a friend of mine at the time. Being a woman of loyalty, I didn’t like betrayal in any way so I had replied to his letter and just ignored the Valentine’s card. Since being home again, I realised Frank hadn’t been with his girlfriend for a few years now. She had made a new life with a new man and they had a couple of kids. It was well and truly over with Frank, who was still inside. He had got a life sentence for murder. I understood why he had sent me the card now and wrote back to him as a friend. We had grown up together in Silvertown and he had become a good mate. Within a week he phoned me and we started to write to each other regularly.
Then there was Matt. I hadn’t seen him for about a year now and I hadn’t been in a relationship with him for over five years but he was still my best friend and soul mate. What he had done for John and me in our times of trouble created a bond that would last a lifetime. He had been there when I needed him the most. For that I would always be truly grateful. I would die for Matt, yet I was used to him not being around anymore. He had gone back home to Ireland and I was used to the idea of being on my own. Matt had his own life to get on with.
And so, in time, Frank’s letters turned into declarations of love. He was ten years older and he had a way with words. He made me feel so special. You could say I fell in love with a letter. Frank was getting towards the end of his time and was now in Ford open prison in West Sussex and starting to get home leave. On one visit his mum had a party in Silvertown. Frank invited me and I was so nervous but I still went. It was like a blast from the past. I knew everyone there and Frank and I danced all night. It was lovely. That night Frank came home with me and slept on the settee. It was so nice and old-fashioned and in the morning his dad picked us up and we went to his parents’ for Sunday dinner with all his family. John didn’t come with me as he was now 18 and wanted to be with his own mates but he was pleased for me and liked Frank. He was happy that I was happy.
After lunch we had drinks, caught up and chatted about old times for ages. Then it was time for Frank to go back to prison so I went with him and his dad and dropped him off at the prison gates. It had been lovely – the first weekend I had spent with a man in many years and I was on cloud nine. At the prison gates Frank had kissed me for the first time. He caressed my face with his hands, kissed me on the lips and I just melted and fell in love.
Frank started coming home most Sundays and his dad and I would pick him up, spend the day with him and then drop him back at prison. As the months went past I fell deeper and deeper in love. Then one day, on one of his visits, we made love for the first time. I hadn’t been with a man in so long and I had mixed feelings of love, betrayal and guilt. I felt I had betrayed Matt, even though we hadn’t been together in over five years. I hadn’t even seen him for almost two years. Yet the guilt was overwhelming. He was my soul mate and, although we were not a couple, I always felt I was still his girl. So it felt so wrong when I made love with Frank. Yet somehow I had convinced myself it was right. I seemed to need the sweet, comforting words of a loving man. So I put the guilt to the back of my mind and enjoyed the beautiful feeling of someone caring for me and loving me. Oh, how I felt good in one way and so bad in another. I had wanted to be everything Matt had wanted me to be. I just wasn’t able to do it. How I wished I could turn back the clock and be all those things and avoid the heartbreak and betrayal. Oh, how I wished for that!
Then one day Frank phoned me to tell me the parole he was hoping for had come through. He was a free man and was coming home for good in the next couple of weeks. I couldn’t believe it. He said he wanted to come and live with me and I started to panic. Matt would kill us both. I knew I hadn’t seen Matt for a while but I also knew that, when I did, he would expect everything to be just as he had left it. That was Matt. He wanted to disappear for God knows how long and then return as if nothing had changed. But when he did come back, he would never accept another man in my life. So I told Frank, ‘No.’
I said, ‘I haven’t signed up for this, Frank.’ I realised then that I wanted to have a long-distance relationship with Frank, not a full-on relationship. I was being unreal and selfish, I knew, but if Matt found out about Frank, he would kill him. So I told Frank I didn’t want to see him again. I ignored his calls and letters. I was so worried about Matt finding out and that meant it was a no-go with Frank.
Then Frank upped the emotional stakes. On one of his final home leaves he said that, if I didn’t want to be with him, he was going to do a runner from prison. He threatened to go on the run there and then. I told him he had to go back or he would lose his parole. He had already done 15 years and was nearly out. I told him to think about his family. ‘They have waited fifteen years for you to come home to them,’ I pleaded. ‘Don’t do something crazy now. See sense.’
But he just said he didn’t care. I felt I was the only thing on this earth at that moment that could save him from himself. I couldn’t let him do it, for the sake of his family. How could I let him ruin his parole? So I agreed to let him come and live with me in Essex. It was a moment of weakness I would come to regret.
When Frank left prison, his family threw a big party in Silvertown. My dad came as well and Frank went up to him and said, ‘Ron, while Jane’s with me, you’ll never have to worry about her again. She’s safe now.’
My dad replied, ‘I’ve never had to worry about my Janie, Frank. And now you’re with her, it’s you who is safe.’ And, before I could stop him, he added, ‘She will protect you from anyone… well, except Matt. I’m not sure on that score, son.’
Frank asked, ‘Who’s this Matt?’
I said, ‘No one,’ but Dad had already planted the seed. I took Frank to one side and told him that Matt was my ex and a very powerful man. I told him not to worry and I gave my word of honour Matt would never harm him. Well, Frank gave it the gangster bit that he would do Matt if he came for him but my dad and I just exchanged a knowing glance. Matt could deal with Frank, even if he had one hand tied behind his back and was blindfolded. By now my dad had realised he shouldn’t have mentioned Matt’s name.
Apart from that incident, the party went well. But I knew I had some explaining to do when we got home. I told Frank all about my relationship with Matt. But Frank just gave it the big ’un and held it against me that I had never told him about Matt. Why, I didn’t know, but jealousy played a major part in his annoyance, I suppose. To be honest, it ruined our relationship. No matter how much I tried, we always rowed over it. It got so bad that it was impossible to live together, so I told Frank to move out. He got a flat in the East End. I used to go and stay at his on a weekend but our relationship became on and off – more off than on. When it was good, it was really good but, when it was bad, it was really bad. Frank wasn’t the man I had known all those years ago. He had changed and we ended up having many more rows. I don’t know if it was prison that changed him but those 15 years certainly hadn’t done him any good. I wanted to believe we could make it but, in my heart, I knew we couldn’t and we just grew further apart.
Then one day Matt knocked on my door again. He stood there with a new Alsatian dog called Baron – a gift for John – and a bunch of flowers for me. I was so excited to see him but so nervous as well. Oh, but how good it was to see my Matt – my soul mate. Within minutes it felt like he had never been out of my life. John was over the moon with his dog. It was fully trained and there to protect us. John and Matt were so close that John was as excited as me about his return. But Matt knew something wasn’t right and, when I called him Frank by accident, he knew what was wrong.
I could hardly believe I had said ‘Frank’ but I had. I wanted to tell him calmly and break it to him gently but I had ruined that and he went mad and we started to argue and fight. I told him it had nothing to do with him but he wasn’t having any of it. I said he must have had other women in the last six years but he said he hadn’t. He said there hadn’t been anybody since me. He had always said that, if he couldn’t have me, nobody else could and at that moment in time I knew he meant it. He wanted to know who Frank was and where he lived but I wouldn’t tell him. I told Matt I had given my word of honour that he wouldn’t harm Frank and Matt knew I’d die protecting my word of honour. If he tried to hurt Frank, he would have to kill me too or I would kill him. That was the way it was.
At the same time, I really wished I’d never met Frank, let alone given my word to protect him. But, in my world, your word of honour was who you were and Frank was safe. Matt wanted to meet Frank and told me to get him to come over or he would go to him. I knew Matt would only have to make a phone call to find out where Frank lived if he really wanted to. If I wasn’t on the scene to protect Frank, he would be in big trouble. So I agreed and, when Frank arrived, he took one look at Matt and just crumbled at the size of him. I told Frank I was back with Matt. I wasn’t but that was all it took and Frank left unharmed. I was relieved the whole thing had come to a head and Matt was back and Frank was history. That was the end of Frank. I never saw him again.
So Matt was back and he was in and out like the wind. We weren’t together but we were the best of friends. We were also doing a little business, doing lunch, doing dinner and, on the rare occasion he would stay, we made love. It was almost perfect. I was his, he was mine. It went deeper than any love or any passion. Not being in a couple, I was sometimes lonely but most of the time I was happy, at least to begin with. Yet, as Matt came and went as he pleased over the next two years, I began to feel lost for the first time in my life. My son was now a man of 20 and so handsome. He got his HGV licence and was working as a lorry driver. I was so proud of him. Matt did ask me to get back with him when he was around but I knew the price. He hadn’t changed his dominating ways at all and, much as I loved him, I knew we would destroy each other sooner rather than later.
I had become good friends with a woman named Eileen, who I met in Rainham, and for the next few months she was there for me, And for that I thank you, Eileen, with all my heart. I was breeding Siamese cats to earn a living because I didn’t want to commit serious crime. I just wanted to be like normal women. But life just didn’t seem to want to let me be normal.
Matt told me he was having some trouble with the gypsies in his area down in Kent. He knew that I knew them. My gypsy mate Sharon from prison had been released and she was now the gypsy queen – the top gypsy woman in Kent. Well, in my book, she was the gypsy queen of the land. Matt knew her brother – in fact, they were best mates. I hadn’t known that when I was in prison. It was a small world. Matt did some business with Sharon and it had gone wrong and turned into a war. So Matt phoned me. Being mates with Sharon’s brother, Terry, he knew the last thing he wanted to do was go to war with them.
I told Matt to arrange a meet with Sharon and that I would sort it out. We met in a cafe on the M2. Sharon couldn’t believe it when I turned up. It was so good to see her. I hadn’t seen her since prison. She explained what was going on and I gave her my word of honour that Matt would never disrespect her but, if push came to shove, I’d die for Matt. She knew that anyway, shook hands with Matt on trust and all was well. She invited me to her place and I would have loved to have gone but Matt had other things to do and wanted to get going. Even so, it was good to see her and we promised each other that we would keep in touch. After that meeting I would say to Matt that he was powerful but, when the Irish and the gypsies went to war, I was the only one who could bring peace in both tribes. He didn’t like that but he had to admit it was true.
I might have helped that time but there was far worse to come in November 2007 and there was nothing I could do about it. Matt’s cousin turned up at my place. She said, ‘Jane, I don’t know how to tell you this so I’m just going to say it.’ She took a deep breath and I could hardly take in the words when she told me. ‘Matt’s dead, babe.’
My knees went weak. I wobbled and thought I was going to faint and I had to hang on to the door frame. Matt dead? He was only 42. The same age as me. ‘How? What’s happened?’
She told me that Ken, Matt’s best mate, had shot him in the chest with a double-barrelled shotgun after they fell out over money. It was self-defence. On the night of 17 November Matt had gone round to Ken’s house to sort out the money and that was when it happened. But that wasn’t all. ‘You have a right to know this, Jane, so I’m going to tell you the rest,’ she added. Matt has had another two women on the go that he never told you about. One has just had a baby and he had been with the other one on and off for seventeen years.’
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I was in shock but, instead of grieving, my mood turned into anger. This might sound mad but in the space of a few moments my love for Matt turned to hatred. He had been my soul mate – my everything. But now it seemed I didn’t even know him. If he had still been alive, I would have killed him myself. Everything I believed had been a lie. Matt’s cousin suggested I sit down but I told her to leave, as I wouldn’t be responsible for my actions. I had the hump with her because of the way she had told me. She hadn’t spared me at all. In one breath she told me he was dead and that he had betrayed me for years.
I don’t know how I got through the next few days. John knew I was upset and he was grieving too. I tried not to trouble him. My mind was in turmoil. I should have been grieving but I was hating.
Then, about a week later, Sharon turned up at my door. She explained to me that the other women, Phoebe and Tracey, knew about me and each other. Phoebe, who had the baby, was terrified of me so I told her to bring her to me and to tell her that she had nothing to fear from me. That night she brought 29-year-old Phoebe with her one-year-old baby son, who was named Matt. The boy was the spitting image of Matt and I fell in love with the baby and felt so sorry for Phoebe. My heart went out to her. She was so terrified that it hurt to see it. She thought she couldn’t go to Matt’s funeral because I would do her if she did. I said, ‘I only just found out Matt had two other families and a child when Matt was shot.’
I asked if Tracey had any kids with Matt. She said they didn’t and I told her that meant baby Matt was going to get everything that had belonged to his dad. ‘He’s Matt’s blood,’ I said and promised to go with her to sort it out with Tracey. We arrived at Tracey’s house at 3am that same morning and woke her up. When she opened the door, she knew who I was straight away. She said she hadn’t been seeing Matt when he was with me and that Matt had left her. I told her I didn’t give a shit about Matt any longer and that I was only there for his boy.
‘Everything of Matt’s goes to the baby,’ I told her.
That night she signed everything over to baby Matt and agreed to deliver by the weekend. So I had done what I’d gone to do. The baby’s mother was at peace and we dropped her off and I went to the gypsy site to stay for a while with Sharon. I needed to prepare for Matt’s funeral and Sharon was there for me all the way. But I began to think about the other woman, Tracey. Although she didn’t have any kids with Matt, she had been with him for 17 years and she did have 4 kids by another man. I know how much my own son loved Matt so I knew her kids must have loved him as well. I decided to go back and see her alone.
I could see this woman was hurting, even as she tried to reassure me that Matt had finished with her by the time he had got together with me. I told her I wasn’t there about Matt. I couldn’t care less about him at that time. I was there to make sure she was OK. In any case, she didn’t know that saying that Matt had finished with her only made it worse for me. I would never want another woman’s man. I’m not like that and it hurt me to hear her say that. She said I was his soul mate but, again, at this moment in time I hated Matt for all the lies. I felt betrayed and didn’t believe he was my soul mate.
‘I didn’t even know him really,’ I told Tracey. ‘He was just one big lie.’ How they both coped with knowing he had other women was beyond me.
I was there a few hours before I phoned the gypsies to ask them to come and pick me up. I now felt as much for Tracey as I did for Phoebe. My heart went out to both of them. We were preparing for the funeral, which was to take place near Maidstone in Kent, and I don’t know what I would have done without Sharon. I decided that Matt was to be cremated and that John, Phoebe, baby Matt, Sharon and I would be in the first car and Tracey and her family would be in the second car. I didn’t care who was in the other cars. This didn’t go down too well with Phoebe. She didn’t even want Tracey and her family there but I insisted that Tracey and her family went. It was Matt’s day. She said it wasn’t fair on the baby. To be honest, I’d had enough of her and I told her this wasn’t about her or the baby and that she should stop using baby Matt as a weapon.
I played ‘See You On The Other Side’ by Ozzy Osbourne for Matt at the funeral. Although I hated Matt in my mind for what he had done, in my soul I knew I still loved him. I just didn’t want to admit it. The lyrics of loss and leaving summed up my feelings perfectly. The funeral went well and, when it was over, I told both families that, if ever they needed me, I was just a phone call away. I thanked Sharon for being there for me and left Matt’s ashes with Phoebe and then I left for home.
It felt good to be back. I’d been away for a few weeks sorting out the funeral and helping both women and just wanted to get back to my own life. When I got home, a few people came to see me to wish me well and among them was a woman called Toni. She was a Scorpio, same as Matt, and I met her through another friend and liked her straight away. It was mad because, subconsciously, I thought that, being a Scorpio, she would be like Matt. I felt I’d looked to the right and buried Matt and looked to the left and met her.
I had another mate named Clare until the day I went around to Clare’s house and she and her man were rowing. I was at the front door and wanted to leave but she asked me to come in. I didn’t want to but I saw the fear in her eyes so I did in the hope that me being there would put an end to their arguing. Clare was trying to get him to leave but he was coked out of his head and not having it. I wasn’t going to get involved so I sat at the kitchen table wishing I wasn’t there as they screamed at each other. Then it got physical and he punched her in the face.
My motto was never to get involved in a domestic but I wasn’t going to sit there while he beat up my friend. I jumped up and said it would be better if he left for a couple of hours and came back when everything had calmed down. He made the mistake of telling me to mind my own business. Then he went for me. Big mistake. I picked up a vase from the kitchen table and smashed it straight across his head. He fell to the floor and there was blood everywhere, the water in the vase mixing with the blood. It splattered on the walls and across the floor and the bloke screamed for Clare to help him. By then he was trying to get out of the house. But she dragged him back inside because of all the blood. It was mental. I told her I was leaving and I told her to call him an ambulance and get rid of him. Then I went. I’d done him good and proper but he’d asked for it.
Later that night I phoned Clare to make sure she was OK and she told me she was up at the hospital. She said I had been out of order and shouldn’t have done her fella. As you can imagine, that made me angry and I told her that he might use her as a punch bag and get away with it but no one would punch me. Our friendship ended that day but Toni said I was right to have done what I did and she stayed my friend. Toni and I became best friends and I grew to love her like a sister. She had a beautiful family with her man Steve, who loved her with every breath that he took, and a daughter. She had the perfect family in my eyes.
Then out, of the blue, one day Toni said she had fallen for an MP. I couldn’t believe it. I was just worried for her and but she said it was nothing to do with me and, to be honest, she was right. It didn’t have anything to do with me so I just turned a blind eye and prayed she would come to her senses. She then eventually told me she was going out with another man. She said this bloke’s dad had died and split £250,000 between his four sons. Just like that, she said she wanted the money. Her new fella would get at least 60 grand, she said. I couldn’t believe my ears and put it down to wishful thinking. Yet I was having my doubts about Toni.
I met a friend I hadn’t seen for a while. She told me her brother had recently had some bad luck with money and was staying at hers while he got back on his feet. We exchanged phone numbers and said we would see each other in a few days. That night her husband texted me and asked me if would I go on a date with her brother. He was Bob – a nobody. I don’t mean that in a disrespectful way. I mean he wasn’t a gangster or a wannabe gangster. He was just Bob. By now I was 43 years old and I’d been out with murderers, gangsters and all the madmen of life and I just wanted to be normal. So I agreed to see Bob, who was just three years younger than me.
Bob had been out of work for a few years due to coming out of a relationship. To me, he was a breath of fresh air and I was falling in love again. I had money. I was ducking and diving, doing a bit of this and a bit of that but none of the other, if you know what I mean. Nothing too heavy. Well, I had tried the straight life and it hadn’t worked, through no fault of mine.
Bob stayed at mine some of the time and, after a few weeks, he wanted to sleep with me but I couldn’t. It didn’t feel right because I lived with John and I didn’t feel comfortable. We had to find a place of our own. Bob said he had a house he had bought for £40,000 but that it was derelict and nobody had ever lived in it. It was in a bad state. There were no doors, not even a toilet, and squatters had been in too. The garden was overgrown and had been used as a dumping site. Now I had the money to fix this house up and make it our home so we started to work on it. John was 23 by now and he gave me his blessing. Bob went back to work at his dad’s forklift-truck garage and I did up the house and turned it into a home. Bob didn’t bring any wages home because he owed his dad some money from when he had been depressed and his dad had supported him. He was paying him back out of his wages. At least, that’s what I was told. I didn’t ask any questions and, anyway, I didn’t mind because he was making amends and trying to get back on his feet with my help.
Bob was no longer a layabout in scruffy clothes. He was back to being a working man and started to dress well. Oh, how I fell in love with a nobody. As I said, don’t take that the wrong way. I don’t mean it disrespectfully. I mean, in my world, Bob was a nobody. But I was tired of that world now. I was sick of wannabes. The guns, the knives, the drugs, the gangsters and murderers. I was finally away from all the badness of life. All I ever wanted to be was a nobody, living a normal life with a loving family. Do you know what nobodies have that I’d craved all my life? Peace of mind. To me, Bob’s family was the perfect family you read about in a fairy tale. I thought I had arrived at where I wanted to be, with a bloke who was on the straight and narrow.
I spent thousands on the house. It was our dream home. I put chandeliers in every room. I fitted a new kitchen and landscaped the gardens. I did it all myself because Bob was working all the hours that God sent with his dad – or so I thought. Then one day he forgot to take his phone with him to work. A message came through from his dad. If Bob didn’t phone his dad, his dad would come and tell me. I didn’t understand so I went to his house and asked him what was going on. His dad invited me inside and said he felt embarrassed about the situation. ‘Bob hasn’t been coming to work, Jane,’ he told me. ‘And it isn’t fair on us, as we are paying all his bills and paying him his wages as well.’
I couldn’t believe what I was being told. I knew Bob’s wages were going to pay off his debts but, if he wasn’t going to work, where was he going? I told him I got Bob up at 6am every day, cooked him breakfast and he left for work at 7am. He didn’t get home until 11pm because he was working hard to pay them back and I thought the debt was being taken out of his wages.
That was when Bob’s dad told me the full story about how his son had worked for them since he left school and then got the house for £40k. He had put down £10k as a deposit before his life started to fall apart. He had taken first a £50k loan, then another £25k out on the house. Bob broke up with his girlfriend and went into a depression until I met him. They said he was doing well until the past few weeks, when he stopped going to work.
I promised them that I would sort it out and they would never have to pay another bill of Bob’s. I promised to take over his debts personally and promised that Bob would be back to work the next day. When Bob came home that night, I confronted him. He gave me a story and even though it sounded far-fetched I wanted to believe him. I had put everything into this relationship and my dream was now looking like a nightmare. I just didn’t want to accept that things could be so bad. So I believed him. I accepted he had been going to work and doing his best. He said he had been going to work and his dad was wrong. For some reason, I believed him.
When people used to ask me what I saw in Bob, I’d say that, in my lifetime of war, I’d finally found peace. Well, that was just a fantasy. Evil was now entering my life from a man who was a nobody. This innocent and pure man was to be my ruin. He was the biggest traitor I’d ever met but at this moment in time I chose to believe him because I didn’t know what was going on behind my back. I ended up offering to take over his debts. I even thanked Diane for everything she had done for Bob and told her to send over details of his debts. When she did, I saw that nothing had been paid off of his £115k debt. But I just brought the payments up to date with my own money and put everything back on track. I told Bob to bring his wages home every week. He got £400 a week and I went halves with him on all the bills. He was left with £200 and I made sure the right amount went into his account to pay his massive debts and the weekly bills. Life seemed to be OK for a couple of months.
Then one day Bob phoned me and said he had gone to the bank to get a tenner out and there was no money in his account. I told him he was mistaken, as I had receipts for £1,700 that had been paid in but he just repeated that there wasn’t a penny in the account.
‘Get a printout or don’t come home,’ I told him and put the phone down. The statement showed that someone had been taking money from our bank in Elm Park, where I had made deposits, and also from a branch in Epping, where Bob’s dad’s firm was. I was furious but he made out he didn’t know anything about it. I wasn’t stupid though and I told him we were going to the bank together the next day to ask what had happened. ‘Whoever took this money out has a card and they will be on CCTV so the bank security team will get to the bottom of it,’ I said. And that was all I needed to say.
In desperation, he said that whoever had done it must look like him. I might have been gullible after the first time Bob lied to me but I wasn’t having it again. I didn’t want to hear more so I threw him out, there and then. As I went through the bank printouts, I could see that no bills had been paid and that in three weeks Bob had taken out £1,700. As fast as I was putting it in, he was taking it out again. Bob had £200 a week for himself but he had never seemed to have any money. Yet he never even bought so much as a fag because I used to buy them and anything else he needed. I phoned his dad and asked him to come and explain what was happening. I was in war mode now. For the first time in a long time, the Gran made an appearance.
Bob’s dad couldn’t believe what he saw, as I wasn’t Jane any longer. I was in full combat gear with two samurai swords and I was ready for a war. People had been lying to me and I was not happy. I explained to Bob’s dad that I knew what had been going on and why Bob wasn’t turning up at work. He sat and listened, not only with great interest but also with fear. He asked me what I was going to do about it all and I told him. I was going to our money back.
He agreed and left. He had never seen me like this before and I could see by his face that it worried him. He must have thought I had lost it because he got back to his house and sent all the women in his family away for a week’s holiday at Weymouth with his mother-in-law. Meanwhile, I continued to prepare for war. It was Friday and I took my swords to everyone I thought might know what Bob had been doing and put the fear of God into them. I wanted revenge. It wasn’t just the money. It was the thought that someone had gone against me. Believe me, I only had one thought in my mind – they were going to pay!
I had gone out searching for the evil that was the root cause of the problem. After my rampage I got home and lay down on the settee. I was shattered. Bob’s family didn’t even phone me to see if I was OK. Not that they needed to but it would have been nice to think they cared. I mean, I was out at war with drug dealers for this family, putting my life on the line while all the women were off on holiday being protected from it all. I just took off my war gear, had a bath and waited until the morning before going back to the garage to confront them all. As I walked in, his brother said, ‘Hello,’ and I replied, ‘Get in the office now. We’re having a meeting.’
Bob, his brother, his dad and I moved into the office and I confronted them. Bob just had his head bowed. I still thought he had just got back on his feet and I really believed he was a good man with a good soul. I was heartbroken but, once again, I blamed someone else for what my man had done and I took Bob back. More fool me. Not only that but I was confiding in Toni. She was my best friend and I told her everything. Something else I would live to regret.
So Bob and I were together and he went back to work again and I was just praying that everything would be OK. All my money had gone into the house but I had a feeling that it was all slipping away. And yet I tried so hard to get our relationship back on track. I was trying to be happy again. Having blamed his brother for Bob’s slide, after a few weeks I even decided to go and make amends. I asked Toni if she wanted to come to Bob’s firm with me for the ride. She got all done up and off we went.
I knew it wasn’t fair to keep blaming everyone else for what Bob had done but I didn’t dream that this was the day Toni had planned to shatter my world in two. I had begun to realise she would try something. But I swear, as God is my witness, I truly didn’t dream that Bob would play along. At this point I was just trying so hard to put our lives back on track.
We started doing the things we loved. I took Bob to the fair and to a Harrods’ sale in London. I’d never been to Harrods before and it had been one of my dreams.
On Valentine’s Day we went to see the queens of lovers’ rock, Caroll Thompson and Janet Kay, live at the Indigo in London. We were finally living our dreams and I got a membership to the Ministry of Sound as well. I was not a clubber but Bob liked to go out. I was more of a home person but I thought the Ministry of Sound would be perfect. It is a nightclub with the most amazing disco. Bob was still doing really well. He was off the coke but he was never home because he was working hard, sometimes until midnight. As much as I tried to get him to get in earlier, he said his dad just kept loading him up with work.
One day I invited Bob’s mum and dad to dinner. I cooked a lovely roast and made a trifle for dessert. It was a lovely day and, as we sat down, Bob’s dad said he wanted to retire and leave Bob and his brother the firm. Now, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I said, ‘Are you joking? You want to give them your firm? Are you mad?’ I was being straight. I said he had built his firm from nothing and, if they left it to Bob and his brother, I’d give it six months before they didn’t have a firm anymore. I told him Bob wasn’t ready for that. I cared about his mum and dad and I knew this was a bad idea so I told them the truth. Bob didn’t like what I was saying but I didn’t care. His mum just wanted to get rid of the firm but I warned them not to. My biggest mistake came afterwards, telling Toni all about the dinner conversation and the family plans for the firm.
I carried on trying to be happy and one day I booked me and Bob a day and night out at a boat party on the Thames. From 5pm to 11pm we would have a meal on the boat as it went up the river and then we would move onto the Ministry of Sound for an all-nighter, finishing at 7am. I was so excited to be letting my hair down for the first time in ages and so was Bob. It was on a Saturday and Bob had to work until 1pm so I told him to be home by about 3pm so it would give us a couple of hours to get to the boat in London.
Well, when 3pm came and Bob wasn’t home, I phoned him but got no answer. So I called the firm and still got no reply. Time ticked on… 4pm, 5pm… and I was still sitting waiting, my best gear on. Now we’d missed the boat party. I was gutted. I kept trying his phone but there was still no answer. Six… seven… eight… nine o’clock came and went. I couldn’t believe what Bob was doing to me. I felt so unhappy. This day had been planned for a couple of weeks and it had cost me a few hundred quid. Bob had ruined it. I was at the end of my tether. What should have been a great day was turning out to be a truly awful day. I phoned Toni but there was no answer from her either so I texted her and told her Bob hadn’t turned up. Now, she knew I had planned this day and that it was special for me. She even said she would love a day out like that herself. I asked her in the text if she wanted to come to the Ministry of Sound with me to save what was left of the day. I told her Bob didn’t deserve it and he didn’t even look like showing up anyway. She texted me back but she said she couldn’t come because she was at her mum’s.
I was gutted. It was 1am when Bob came in. I told him he had ruined the day and, before he could start making excuses for where he had been, I told him I was still going to the Ministry of Sound. I told him he could come if he wanted to and he agreed. I was so angry but didn’t want the day to be a complete disaster so we set off. I had bought him an Armani suit for the occasion and had even paid for us to be VIPs.
We didn’t get there until 4.30am because Bob couldn’t find the place. I was fuming. This day should have been one of our best but it was turning out to be the worst. Even so, when we got inside, my mood improved. The atmosphere was good and we both started to smile for the first time that day. We went into one of the VIP rooms and it was packed out and pumping.
Some bloke then started eyeing Bob up. ‘Look at him, Bob,’ I said, pointing to the bloke. ‘He fancies you.’ We both laughed and moved away and stood in between two dance stands by the fire exit, as I liked to have my back to the wall so I could see everything that was happening. I told Bob to go and get us a drink while I danced to the music and started to have a lovely time at last. The heat in the club was overwhelming and I felt like I was going to faint. A couple of blokes asked me to dance but I told them, ‘No, thank you.’ I wasn’t like that. Bob was my fella, for better or worse.
It had been nearly an hour and Bob was still not back. It was packed and I knew the bar was busy but, even so, I was thinking, Where is he? There was a group of Bosnians beside me and one of the girls in the group offered me a drink. I think she could see I was struggling with the heat. But I refused, not knowing who they were. I mean, I didn’t want to accept a spiked drink. You couldn’t be too careful. She was in a group of about five girls and five blokes. I started to go giddy and feel faint again but they started clapping and it helped snap me out of it. Finally – after an hour and a half – Bob came back with vodka and it cooled me down. We had started to dance together when a man jumped down from a platform suspended above us and started dancing along with us. At least, I thought he was dancing with us but then I realised he was dancing with Bob and the way he was doing it was very sexual.
‘Here’s another bloke who fancies you, Bob,’ I shouted above the music. Bob just laughed but I wasn’t finding it funny by then. I was getting embarrassed so I told Bob to tell the bloke he was straight and was with me. But, again, Bob just laughed. So I told the bloke myself. ‘I hope you’re not trying to pull my man. He’s with me,’ I said politely. Well, he just moved closer to Bob, gave it a bit more dirty dancing and I exploded. I grabbed the man around the throat and ran him back to the dance platform, where he crumpled to the floor.
‘Fuck off, you little poof,’ I said and left him there in a heap on the floor. I have nothing against gays – I believe in live and let live – but I didn’t want anyone trampling on my territory. When I got back to Bob, he was laughing.
‘I gave you the hump there, didn’t I?’ he said
I told him that fighting off other women would make me proud but fighting a man off didn’t amuse me. Then I saw them all coming. This man I had just flattened was with the group that had offered me the drink and now they were signalling to another man on the opposite stage and he was signalling another group. I knew it was going to kick off. I told Bob to shut his mouth as I had bigger problems now. It looked like half the club was with this guy but I could tell that the man on the other dance platform was the main man. By now everyone was looking at me and pointing. So I went to the main man. I’d got a knife down the back of my jeans and I screamed, ‘If today’s the day I die, it’s a good day to die,’ and I waited for his reaction. I knew that, if it went off, I was going to lose this one. There were too many of them but I’d take a few of them with me. The man signalled something to the three blokes who were homing in on me and they turned around and grabbed the bloke who had been trying to pull Bob and brought him to me. The man said he didn’t know Bob was with me and I accepted his apology. I had no choice really.
It was now 6am and everyone went back to dancing. I was making out I was having the time of my life but I wasn’t really. I didn’t want to be there but I couldn’t lose face so we stayed for the last hour. But I was gutted that Bob had put me in that position. All he’d had to do was say he was straight and with his missus but he hadn’t. He had ruined everything again. What kind of man would do that to his woman? I just didn’t understand.
When we left that morning, the men and women in the group I’d had the encounters with hugged and kissed me as we said our goodbyes. I danced out of there, lying, because I said I had had the time of my life but that was so far from the truth.
When we reached the car, I went mad at Bob. I asked him if he was gay. He said he wasn’t but I had seen in films that gays attract gays and, believe me, they were all Bob had attracted in the two and a half hours we were there. I couldn’t believe what Bob was doing to my head and, when we got home, I made him sleep on the settee.
When I told Toni about our big night out, she couldn’t stop laughing. ‘Do you think my Bob is gay?’ I asked.
‘No way, Jane,’ she said. ‘It was just one of those things. Don’t worry about it.’
After a few days Bob and I were back on speaking terms. But I was starting to wonder about our relationship and all the stuff that had happened. Debts, coke and gays. None of it was right. Then one night I was waiting for Bob when Toni turned up. She’d got on a mini-skirt, no knickers and she was laughing about it. I didn’t find it funny.
‘What are you coming round here like that for,’ I asked her. ‘If my Bob was home and he had looked at you like that I would have gone mad.’
She knew he wasn’t in and I wondered how? He was a couple of hours late so, if anything, she should have expected him to be in. I told her to go and never to come back dressed like that again. She promised she would never do me wrong but then she had previously told me she went with other men to get money. I said, ‘You do your own family wrong, girl.’ I knew now I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her. And yet I still had to trust that Bob wouldn’t cheat on me with Toni, although I was growing more and more suspicious.
But it came to a head when she was over some time later, crying her eyes out after a row with her fella. At first, she said she wanted him to move out because she couldn’t stand being with him. But it was Bob who stood up for her and said that all this rowing was not fair on Toni. He suggested that her bloke Steve should move in with us, in the spare room, for a few days so that she could get some peace and quiet. ‘Are you mad, Bob?’ I shouted. ‘Why would I let her man come and stay here? She wouldn’t be able to come round here herself and I would never see her.’
There was something not right going on here but for some days I just couldn’t see what it was. Then the penny dropped and I became convinced he was seeing Toni behind my back and that they had both been playing me for a mug. How could I have been such a fool? I confronted Bob, but he denied it. ‘I have spent every penny I had on you and this house!’ I screamed, knowing I had made the biggest mistake of my life. After my endless wars, I thought I’d at last found peace with this man. What a fucking joke that was now. A sad, sad joke. ‘I’m fucked now, Bob, because I have put everything into our relationship,’ I said. I made him write out a receipt for £30,000 so that he couldn’t sell the house without paying me back what I had put in. I just didn’t know what else to do.
I found out that Bob still hadn’t paid any of the bills. I lost it, big style, got a sledgehammer from the garden shed and I smashed his truck to pieces. I smashed every window, every door, every light, everything. He was just lucky I didn’t take the hammer to him because I had never felt like doing anyone more in my life. When I had destroyed his truck, I went back in the house, gasping for breath, a cold fury in my eyes and an aching in my heart.
‘Leave now, Bob.’ I held the heavy hammer tight. ‘Leave now,’ I repeated, ‘before I do something we will both regret.’ And, for the first time in a long time, Bob did the right thing. He even closed the door behind him as he left. I slumped onto the settee. It was the worst moment of my life. I looked up to the heavens with tears in my eyes and thought about my Matt – a real man – and wondered what I was going to do now. I was so unhappy and alone. My dreams had become nightmares, my happiness had turned to sadness and my love had become shame. I couldn’t cope. I was losing this battle for happiness with every beat of my heart.
I went to bed and that’s where I stayed for the next few weeks. Thank God for my son. He looked after me, brought me food and walked my dogs. I was an emotional wreck. In all my life I had never been so low. I was like a zombie, just lying in bed with my two dogs and the cats around me. My John came every day and kept begging me to snap out of it. ‘This isn’t you, Mum,’ he would say. ‘Pull yourself out of it and come back home. Don’t be like this, Mum.’
But I just couldn’t move. I was so wrapped up in my own misery. My poor boy had never seen me like that before and it frightened him. He kept saying everything would be OK but he didn’t know what was wrong with me because I couldn’t open up to him. He was my boy and I couldn’t tell him about Bob. I was too ashamed. As parents, we protect our kids. I didn’t want to drown him in my misery. I just kept saying, ‘I’ll be OK.’ But I was far from OK. A woman can only take so much.
I was so unhappy, my mind played tricks on me. Was it me? Was Bob really that bad? I had second thoughts and I texted him dozens of times but he blanked me. I begged him to get off the drugs and that, despite everything I’d told him, we might still be able to work at it. I asked his dad to give him my messages and I sent flowers, chocolates and even bottles of champagne round to his mum to say sorry for the position we had put them in. He had moved back in with them and they were caught in the middle. And his dad was so lovely, always keeping hold of the hope, like me, that Bob would get off the drugs. I knew, in my head, it was over but, in my heart, I was still hoping. Love had crippled me and Bob was blanking me.
I kept phoning Toni. I needed a friend. I needed her to come and tell me everything was going to be OK. But she never came. She always had an excuse and, before long, she started to blank my calls altogether. My boy told me daily it was going to be OK but I couldn’t tell him what a mess I was in. I just couldn’t. I started to cry and I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t stop thinking about Matt. Oh, what have I done? I thought. I had been so angry with Matt since he had been killed and now I needed him more than I’d ever needed him in my life. My poor Matt, I thought. Shot dead at 42. The tears came and I couldn’t stop crying. I hadn’t cried in years. Well, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d cried.
I kept texting Toni and told her I thought I had finally started to grieve for Matt because I couldn’t stop crying and thinking about him. My eyes looked like I’d been punched, they were so swollen. Toni was always crying and I texted her that I now knew she was just pretending, as she was always dolled up and there was no way she would look the way she did if she had been crying for real. At last, I texted that I was going to drive round to show her my face. I couldn’t believe the way I was. I had never been like this before, ever. Still dressed in my pyjamas, I jumped into my car and drove to hers. I beeped her when I arrived but her daughter came out and said she wasn’t in. I just drove back home and got back into bed. I was gutted. She could have texted me back if she wasn’t going to be there.
Then, out of the blue, something told me to get up and sort myself out. I told myself that this wasn’t fair on my John. He should be out enjoying his life and not worrying and looking after me. When he came round the next day, I was up and he smiled the loving smile I didn’t deserve and gave me a big hug. My boy was the best son any mother could have. Despite everything I’d done and put him through, he never judged me, never doubted me and he was always there for me, no matter what. I love you so much, John. You always make me so proud.
I was up now and I took the dogs down to the river for a walk. I had my own spot on the bank where I’d go to find peace. I’d made a little opening to get away from the path and down the bank to the river’s edge. I had two rottweilers and I needed both to pull me back up again because the drop was so steep. This was my place of sanctuary, where my dogs and I went for solitude. I loved it.
I was back to being me and, once more, I was pissed off with Toni. Where was she when I needed her? So I texted her yet again and she still ignored me. This time, though, I wasn’t crying but boiling with rage. I thought, Some best friend. Now I’d had enough. I hadn’t heard from her or Bob. I went to her house with a can of black spray paint and sprayed ‘wrong ’un’ and ‘slag’ across the windows.
She soon came out. ‘What the fuck is your game?’
‘What the fuck is my game? You cheeky slag,’ I replied, reaching into my motor for my Maglite torch – the same type used by the police. It was massive. I grabbed it, jumped away from the car and smashed it down onto her head as hard as I could. ‘That’s for not answering your phone, slag!’ I screamed as she ran into her house clutching her head. ‘If I find out you have done me wrong, you will be a dead whore walking,’ I said as she disappeared.
I knew something wasn’t right and, when Bob knocked on my door not an hour later, all the pieces finally fell into place. I had been fooling myself for too long but those days were now over. After he and his family had dropped out of sight, he was suddenly back on the scene, less than an hour after I’d done Toni, asking to come back. I took him and the dogs to the special place by the river and asked him straight out if he had done me wrong with Toni.
‘No way, Janie,’ he said, looking pleadingly at me. But I was not convinced. I pushed him in the river and headed back to Toni’s place. Steve claimed she had left him but I knew he was talking bollocks so I went home, got another tin of paint – yellow this time – and wrote on a big board opposite her flat, ‘Toni fucks, sucks and grasses anyone for money.’
When Steve came out, I shouted from across the road, ‘She’s a dead whore walking. All she’s got is time.’
He shouted, ‘Oh yeah?’ and started walking towards me. ‘I’m going to fucking do you, you bitch.’ He was 20 stone of fat and yet I had really liked him until this point. I pulled out the Maglite again and went for him.
‘Come on then,’ I shouted as I raised the torch above my head. All of a sudden, he wasn’t so brave.
He stopped, turned around and shouted out to where I knew Toni was cowering inside, ‘She’s got a weapon. Call the police.’
‘Call all your fucking gangster mates as well if you think it will stop me!’ I screamed. ‘She has been sleeping with my man and I’m going to do her. You had better get your whore insured for a lot of money and then you should fuck off on holiday if you know what’s good for you.’ A new calm had come over me. ‘I won’t be taking any prisoners. All that whore has got left is time,’ I told him as I left.
His brow furrowed when I said that. He understood what I meant, all right.