Oh boy, oh boy, OH BOY… you opened my new book!
I tell ya, I couldn’t be more excited to know you’re holding HAPPY HOWLIDAYS! in your five fingery digits, and we’re about to go on a festive adventure together. Humans are my favorite… you’re THE GREATEST, and I can feel a yip-yappy Happy Dance coming on. This is a bark-tastic moment! It’s WAGGY-TAIL-ICIOUS!! WHOA… hang on a second… I’m getting way ahead of myself.
What if you haven’t read any of my PAW-SOME stories before?
Could that be possible?
Well, if you haven’t, I’d say you’re in desperate need of some serious poochification.
Now, I know what you’re probably thinking. You’ll be sitting there right now, scratching your head in that way that humans do even when they don’t have fleas, wondering to yourself… Poochification? What’s that?
Don’t you worry, my person-pal, I’ll explain all of it. Y’see, my book is practically a manual of muttness. It’s a canine crash course! SLOBBER SCHOOL!
If you read this dog diary, you’ll be living a happier, bouncier, barking-at-raccoons-in-the-backyard-ier life in no time. I PROMISE!
But there are definitely a few things you should know before we dive in, snout-first.
First of all, I’M JUNIOR… HELLO!
Dogs don’t usually bother with hellos. We normally just take a quick sniff of each other’s butts, but I learned early on that humans aren’t so into that… HA HA!
The other thing I need to tell you about is… well… ummm… I didn’t want to start things off like this, my furless friend, but there’s no way around it. For me to begin this story properly… like PROPERLY-PROPERLY… you need to hear about what I’ve been up to, and it includes one of the ugliest words in the Doglish language… it’s a HORRIBLE word… DISGUSTING!! Even the bravest of hounds have run howling for the hills at the sound of it!
Brace yourself, before you turn the page.
Steady those nerves.
Breathe in… breathe out… then hide yourself in the laundry pile or under your bed.
Are you ready? Okay…
