Losing to Win

He hadn’t changed a thing in the house since I’d left. The step-down living room was the same casual but elegant blend of contemporary yet traditional pieces arranged with the slate-tiled fireplace as vantage point.

For a second, I was tempted to get maudlin. Here I sat in the living room of the house I’d sworn I’d never enter again. Exactly how and why I found myself here wasn’t that big of a mystery. It was time I got real with myself; I was exactly where I wanted to be for now. No one had twisted my arm. I hadn’t been backed into a corner. I’d gotten off the plane in Houston a few hours ago. When I had a choice to jump in the van with the other contestants or hop in the car to go home with Mal, I slid next to Mal without too much thought.

I was a glutton for punishment, a hopeful optimist, or a damn fool. I guess time would tell which. I had no idea what Mal and I were going to do long term. I wasn’t ready to have the conversation, but I wasn’t ready to walk away. The raw truth of the matter was that I wanted to be with Mal, but I didn’t want to get hurt. I somehow wanted a guarantee that everything was going to work out in the end; some sort of promise that I wasn’t setting myself up for a fall from which I wouldn’t recover.

“So...” Mal said quietly from the doorway behind me.

“So,” I replied, turning to look at him.

“Here we are...back at the scene of the crime.”

I glanced around, taking note of our surroundings. I was sitting in the exact same chair I’d occupied when I gave back his ring and he was standing pretty close to where he had been when he let me leave. “Here we are.”

“It’s weird, though, right?” Malachi said. “You and me, in the house you basically built for us. It’s like we’ve come full circle.”

“We’re smarter and wiser this time, right?” At least, I hoped that was true.

“God, I hope so.” He prayed fervently.

“You and me both.”

“You thinking about fleeing?” He sounded as tentative and as nervous as I felt.

The word “again” wasn’t said but was inferred in the heavy silence that fell. I shook my head with a trace of a smile. “No, not gonna flee.”

He took a step closer. “Carissa, do you hate being here?”

“I don’t hate it. I do wonder if I know what the hell I’m doing.”

“You’re taking a chance; you’re giving me a chance.”

“A chance to do what?”

“I get a chance to redeem myself and you get a chance to see if I’m worth the trouble this time.”

He had a valid point. “Okay.”

Mal laughed. “‘Okay’ is your fallback when you don’t want to get into it. Still not ready to have that conversation?”

“Not yet. We have a little time.” The show would wrap in a few weeks and by then I knew I’d have to decide what came next.

“I’m learning to be patient, Cari. But please don’t think it’s easy.”

“I know, Mal. And I appreciate it. I appreciate the time. I just don’t want to make a mistake.”

“As long as you’re doing what’s best for you, you won’t.”

“Well, that’s evolved of you.” I was surprised.

“That’s the kind of guy I am these days—evolved, Renaissance, patient.” He bowed from the waist, inclining his head.

“A prince among men. All of that, huh?”

He flashed a grin. “And more. I thought you knew.”

“I’m learning new things about you every day.”

Suddenly, his face turned serious. “Is your boy gonna wait? Or maybe he could just give up already. ’Cause I’m not letting go without a fight and he seems like he’s antsy to make a move.”

Oops. I hadn’t realized that Mal knew Jordy was in a waiting pattern. Then again, not a lot was secret when you hung out with the same six people almost all day every day for months. Without acknowledging what Jordy would and wouldn’t wait for, I answered his question. “I’m here, Mal, so it is what it is.”

He looked like he wanted to press for more information; instead he nodded. “You’ll tell me if you feel like you don’t want to be here?”

“Mal, I have to go back to Belle Haven at some point. My job, my house, my life is there.”

“Your life is where you make it.”

“Okay. The life I had before all of this started is there.”

“You still want that life?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t decided what I want.”

His eyes flared with impatience or temper, but his tone was calm when he asked, “You’ll talk to me before you decide? Or at least before you go?”

“Yes. I wouldn’t just disappear.”

“If nothing else, I’ve earned the right to know what you’re thinking as far as our future is concerned.”

“Our future?” I wondered aloud. Then I thought to myself: when had either of us decided for sure that we had one?

He crossed his arms. “You want to pretend we don’t have a chance at one?”

“I don’t want to pretend anything.”

“Good,” he snapped.

“Good.”

“Are you coming to my practice tomorrow?” he asked hesitantly. And that was another new thing making me wonder if Mal really had changed for the better. Back in the day, he would have assumed that I was going to be there and been irritated if he even had to ask.

“I’ll be there right after morning workout. You excited?”

He unfolded his arms and eagerly sat on the sofa beside my chair. His face lit up with anticipation like a child on Christmas Eve. “Ris, I’m so pumped. I can’t believe I’m here, you’re here, we’re here, and I get to play football tomorrow. It feels like a dream. For the first time in a long time, I’m actually nervous.”

“What are you nervous about?”

“This is Malachi 2.0, Ris. I’ve rebooted everything. This life I want is falling into place; it’s all so close I can taste it.”

This was Malachi 2.0. The old version thought he was invincible, unbeatable, and infallible. This one worried that it was all too good to be true. “I’m right here.”

He expelled a breath. “Amen for that. As for the football part? I think I’ve got the new system down, the schemes and the packages. But I feel like all eyes are on me. Normally, I’m okay with that. God, I hope I don’t screw up.”

I grabbed his hands, which he had clasped together. “You’re not going to screw up. You were born to play this game. This is what you do. And you do it best when the pressure is high. You’ve got this.”

“I have to admit, I’m feeling abundantly blessed. How many people truly get a do-over? I keep wondering if there isn’t some karmic bounce back still waiting to kick my ass.”

“Whatever you’ve been through these past few years, it’s done. You’re back where you’re supposed to be and it’s all good. It’s your world, Mal.”

He shook his head. “It’s our world. Ours.”

I could tell he needed reassurance. I couldn’t withhold it because I was conflicted. “You’re right. You’re not alone. It’s you and me. But you’re the one who’s going to light it up tomorrow. You’re going to be amazing.”

He closed his eyes and bent his head. He squeezed my hands tighter. Tugging me up and over to him, he wrapped both arms around me, pulling me tight. “You can’t imagine what it means to hear you say that.”

I hugged him back just as tightly. “Don’t ever doubt that I believe in you. No matter what happens between us, I respect what you do out on the field and I know you can be one of the best...still. When you go out there tomorrow, you go out there knowing that you’ve earned your chance. Take it and be great.”

His voice was low and raspy when he responded. “God, I love you, girl.”

I drew in a quick breath and exhaled. No way was I touching that right now. He was emotional, there was a lot going on in his head, and now wasn’t the time. I shifted and trailed a series of kisses along his neck. “C’mon, Big Baller. Let’s get to bed, you’ve got a big day tomorrow. You need your beauty sleep.”

“I need a little something more than that,” he growled as I wrapped my legs and arms around him.

“Oh, I think that can be arranged.”