Eve ran and ran and ran, up the steep path, past the rocks and along the road towards the harbour. Her lungs threatened to explode and the muscles in her legs burned. Her chest heaved in and out as she tried to catch her breath. Her face was wet with tears and her throat was raw but she didn’t know if it was from running or crying or both. She sank onto a bench in front of the dark windows of the harbour cafe and buried her head in her hands.
As her breathing slowed, she listened to the tide as it lapped against the harbour wall. Life was so fragile yet so tempestuous, just like the sea. One moment it seemed like she had it all; the next it had all been washed away.
She sat up and hugged her knees to her chest.
What would she do now?
She’d come so far, then when Jack had … What had he done? Proposed? Or not quite? She’d panicked and run away. But with good reason. She hadn’t told him about the twins, about what a terrible mother she’d make. How could she? Where did you start with something so terrible? And yet look at the outcome. The man she adored had been left stranded on the beach, their beach, wondering what on earth he’d done wrong.
‘Oh Jack!’ She covered her mouth. How could she have done that to him? Run away with no explanation or reassurance? He would think he was to blame and she couldn’t bear the thought of that. The idea of hurting him, such a good, kind, honest, caring man, was unbearable. She had to put it right.
She got to her feet, intending to head back down to the beach to try to find him. But as she turned, there he was just a few feet away, his arms full of things: the picnic blanket, her cardigan, his shoes, and the basket that he’d told her contained their celebratory supper – because she’d done so well at the fair that day.
Eve shook herself.
She loved this man. She owed him more than an act of cowardice. She was tired of running away and she certainly shouldn’t be running from Jack.
So instead she ran towards him, and watched as he dropped the basket and the blanket and opened his arms. She leapt into them and wrapped herself around him, crying into his neck and telling him over and over that she was sorry.
‘Eve.’ He spoke softly, leaning back to look into her eyes. ‘I don’t understand. Have I got this wrong? One minute you’re all over me, and the next it’s like you’re pushing me away. I’m up and down like a yo-yo. I can’t do this, much as I … I love you. I just can’t.’
She ran her hands over his broad shoulders and down his arms, then slipped out of his embrace. ‘Let’s sit down. I need to explain something to you.’
She took his hand and led him to the bench, where she sat sideways so she could face him.
‘Jack, there’s something you need to know about me, something bad … before you make any sort of commitment to me.’
‘Go on.’ His expression was so serious in the moonlight that her heart almost fractured. His eyes were deep black pools and his jaw was set, as if he was suppressing the emotion that bubbled inside him.
‘I’ve fallen for you, Jack. I’m not deceiving you about that, I promise. But I haven’t told you everything about my past, about why I had the … the breakdown, I guess you could call it. My job was everything to me, and I gave everything to it. I don’t know if it was my way of trying to feel important, of proving to myself that I did matter, but it was a place in my life where I had control. I could achieve things, and I did. I was celebrated as a head teacher, I achieved an outstanding rating from the school inspection team. I was a good classroom teacher then a good manager of people.’ She shook her head. ‘But I failed at real life. Outside of work, I didn’t really know what I was doing. I married Darryl, a good man, a kind man. But the wrong man. And I hurt him.’
‘It happens, Eve.’
‘Yes, but I should have slowed down, stopped for a bit, yet I just couldn’t. Darryl wanted a family but I guess I didn’t. We couldn’t conceive naturally, so we paid for private treatment. It cost thousands but he said it would be worth it. Only I wasn’t so sure. The money wasn’t an issue, but having children was. I went into it half-heartedly. Then at sixteen weeks …’ She gasped, the memories suddenly darting through her head with startling clarity. ‘I started to bleed.’
‘I’m sorry.’
She bit her lip. ‘I could have done something about it. The doctors advised total bed rest, to take time off work and to just stop …’
‘But you didn’t?’
‘No. I was stubborn. I refused. I guess I thought that whatever happened would happen whether I was resting or not. So I went back to work, and three days later …’ She sighed and stared out across the harbour towards the horizon. The sea was black but its surface glowed silver in the moonlight.
‘You know, Eve, people are as deep as the sea.’ Jack had almost read her exact thoughts. ‘We all have hidden depths, dark places we’d never want anyone else to know about. Nothing in life is easy and everything comes with a price. I’ve done things I regret. I blamed myself for a long time for the deaths of some of my fellow marines. If I’d been standing where they were or if I’d just spotted that ambush in time … but life is full of these moments and all we can do is learn from them and try to move on. The alternative is to give up. Which some people do.’ He cleared his throat. ‘But you’re not a quitter. Losing the babies was a tragedy, but I doubt you could have changed it. Bed rest might have helped, but it might not. You’ll never know one hundred per cent and you can’t spend a lifetime blaming yourself.’
‘But Jack, I lost them. I denied them the right to live. I hurt them and I hurt Darryl. Don’t you see that I’m not fit to be a mother? I don’t even deserve to be happy.’
‘No! That’s not true. It wasn’t the right time. I know people who’ve been through similar things; a buddy of mine and his wife had IVF and lost their first two babies. They finally conceived naturally and went on to have three kids. Sometimes we just have to accept that what’s meant to be is meant to be.’
‘You believe that?’
Jack shrugged. ‘If we don’t find some sort of acceptance then we just go slowly mad. You’re not a bad person; you were driven by a need to succeed at work. That stemmed from other things, things in your childhood. You married the wrong man but look at how many other people do that. Look at me!’ He patted his chest. ‘But life is about learning, Eve. We don’t always get it right first time. You weren’t ready to be a mother when all that happened and maybe you never will be. But you don’t know that yet. There’s a whole life ahead of you to be experienced. Whether that’s with me or not. But no pressure, right?’
She watched him carefully, amazed by his understanding and his bravery. After everything she’d just told him, he was still offering her comfort and freedom.
‘Eve, I want you, I want to be with you, but if you don’t want me, or if you want me but you don’t want kids, then we can work around that. None of us knows what’s around the corner, but right now, I do know that I’m bloody terrified of not waking up with you in the morning.’
‘Oh Jack!’
He pulled her into his arms and she snuggled close to him as her heart expanded with love. He was right. The past was the past. It had happened and she couldn’t change it; all she could do was learn from it. Whatever the future held, right now all she knew for certain, and all she needed to know, was that she wanted to be with him.
Because never before had she felt so warm, so loved or so complete.