I didn’t have any plans on Saturday. Feeling a little bored and lonely, I rode my bike to Reverend Walker’s office. My life was such a mess that I needed help making sense of it.
I found her outside, filling up a bird feeder that hung from a maple tree. “Nice to see you, Allie. I was just about to make some Russian tea.”
I followed Reverend Walker inside and cuddled up in a floral armchair. She poured hot water into two mugs and added the Russian tea mix. It smelled like fall: oranges, cinnamon, and cloves.
“Growing up is awfully confusing, isn’t it?” Reverend Walker said.
It was an open-ended question, the kind my teachers often asked. It invited me to tell everything or only a little bit. I only meant to tell a little, but once I got started, the words came pouring out. How I’d always felt different. I explained why I’d thought Mom would understand. How she loved Uncle Jeffrey and was friends with Coach and Miss Holt. I told her how we’d all let Mom down: first Eric, then Dad, and now me. I confessed that going to Pioneer Days with Webb felt like a lie, but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, and it seemed to make Mom happy.
“I don’t believe God wants you to live a lie, Allie.”
“But what about those Bible verses? Sam’s mom thinks people like us are going to hell.”
“Consider the time period the Bible was written in. Put it into cultural context. First Corinthians 14:35 says it’s shameful for a woman to speak in church. Can you imagine? And there are over two hundred verses dealing with slavery, but those verses don’t apply to our lives today. Maybe the same could be said for the Bible’s stance on homosexuality.”
“I wish Mrs. Johnson could have heard the way Coach prayed for help finding Sam. She believes in God.”
“I know,” Reverend Walker said. “Murph is a wonderful person.”
“What worries me the most is hurting Mom.”
Reverend Walker gave me that beautiful smile of hers. “Your mom’s afraid you’ll be the one who gets hurt, but give her time to adjust. She loves you too much not to.”
“Do you think I could be the one to adjust? Webb came over for dinner last night, and it made Mom so happy. If I could just like him instead of Sam, it would be a lot easier. When we were square dancing, I wondered how to change my feelings. Do you think I could?”
“Only you know the answer to that, Allie. There’s no reason to rush. Take your time and decide what’s right for you.”
I finished my tea and placed the mug on her desk. “Thanks for listening.”
“My pleasure. That’s what I’m here for, but did I help you at all?”
“Yeah, talking helps, and I think you’re right. There’s no rush, but I’m the only one who can decide.”
When I got back home, Mom was reading in the den. She held up her book. “This is Roots by Alex Haley. It’s a fascinating read.”
“What’s it about?”
“The history of a slave family.”
I loved almost any book with history in it. “Maybe I’ll read it when you’re finished.” Mom didn’t censor my reading. She was good about that.
“Where’d you bike to?”
“Church. Went to see Reverend Walker.”
Mom used a bookmark and closed Roots. “I didn’t handle this thing between you and Sam very well. I know that.”
“There’s not really a thing, Mom. I just realized I like her. I’m sorry it makes you unhappy. I’d change if I knew how.”
“You’re so young,” Mom said, “and people can be so cruel. I want to protect you.”
“I know.”
“This could just be a phase,” Mom said. “Why don’t we give it a few months and then see how you feel?”
Mom didn’t think I was old enough to know my own feelings. Saying it was just a phase irritated me, but I was the one who had decided not to rush things. “Okay, we’ll wait and see, and, Mom, try not to worry so much.”
Reverend Walker had said God didn’t want me to live a lie, but that seemed better than hurting the person I loved most.