The community center was about a half mile away from downtown. I could have walked, but Mom insisted on driving me. “I wanted to talk to you alone,” she said. “Without Dad.”
I popped my wrist with the rubber band a couple of times. “What about?”
“Dad will be moving into his apartment next week.”
I wanted to curl into a little ball and cry. Instead I shrugged.
“Allie, it’s okay to be sad.”
I couldn’t talk to Mom about all the pain punching holes in my heart. Dad moving out again made me anxious, like when Sam was lost. And the way things turned out for Coach and Miss Holt made me afraid of growing up gay, but kissing Webb had been the opposite of magnificent. It had been a lie.
“Dad will still be close by,” Mom continued. “You can walk there every day if you want to.”
I didn’t want to see Dad. I didn’t want to see anybody. Not Webb or Sam either. I was too confused.
Traffic crawled toward the community center. We finally came to a dead stop behind a long line of cars. “This is close enough. I can walk the rest of the way.”
Mom reached out and patted my arm. “I hope today is as much fun for you as last night. I loved watching you dance.”
Mom had seen what she wanted to see. That made me boiling mad! Why didn’t she look deeper?
“Dad’s moving is hard for me too,” Mom said. “I had hoped we could work things out.”
“Then why didn’t you try harder?” I snapped. “When Eric died, it was all about the two of you. And now it’s not about me, but the way you feel about Sam and me. Why don’t my feelings ever count as much as yours?”
Mom looked as stunned as if I’d slapped her. “I’m sorry, Allie. Children don’t come with an instruction manual. I’m doing the best I can here. It’s one of the reasons we’re seeing Dr. Nichols.” Mom slammed the steering wheel with her fist. “Maybe we should skip Pioneer Days and go home.”
“No! I don’t want to go home with you. I have a date with Webb.”
“Allie!”
I slammed the car door, and instead of going to the horse show, I ran toward church. Reverend Walker knew about Mom and Dad. She was Coach and Miss Holt’s friend, and she’d been there the night Sam ran away. If anybody could help me, she could.
Our church had gotten into the spirit of Pioneer Days. A red wagon was parked out front, holding bales of hay, pumpkins, gourds, and dried corn. I kicked the wagon wheel. Hard. A sign on the front said, COME YE THANKFUL PEOPLE COME. I was not thankful.
I hurried around back to Reverend Walker’s office. She stood staring out the window, as if she’d been waiting for me. “Come in, Allie. I like your dress.”
I took a couple deep breaths to calm down. “Melissa let me borrow it.”
“I was just headed over to the horse show,” she said. “I’m surprised you’re not already there.”
“Could we have Russian tea?”
“Of course we can.” Reverend Walker busied herself, filling the kettle with water and putting it on the hot plate.
I waited until we both had our mugs. “Maybe I should start at the beginning. I went to Pioneer Days with Webb last night.”
“And …”
“We had hamburgers and listened to a bluegrass band.”
Reverend Walker sipped her tea.
“My dad’s moving into an apartment. That makes the things I’m going through even worse.”
“I know. Your mom has been worried about telling you.”
“Everything fell apart when Eric died.”
“Grief never completely goes away,” Reverend Walker said, “but it lessens over time. At least that’s been my experience.”
“Did Mom tell you we’re seeing a family counselor?”
“Yes, I recommended Dr. Nichols because your dad isn’t comfortable with pastoral counseling.”
“I hate that Coach and Miss Holt are leaving. It worries me.”
“Me too. More than you know.”
“What happened to them made me want to change. I even asked Dr. Nichols about it.”
Reverend Walker’s hands tightened around her mug. “What did she say?”
“That repressing my feelings would be like putting a lid on them. That I’d never know how much love I was capable of giving or receiving.”
Reverend Walker smiled her angel smile. “What a lovely way of expressing it. I wish I’d said that.”
“I kissed Webb last night.”
Reverend Walker’s eyebrows arched, but that was the only sign she was surprised. “Is that why you’re here?”
“No, I’m here because I exploded at Mom, but I guess the reason I exploded was because of all of them: Eric, Mom, Dad, Coach, and Miss Holt. I had too many bad feelings inside.”
“Why did you kiss Webb?”
“To see if it would make any difference. Kind of like an experiment to see if I could be like most other girls.”
“Then what happened?”
“Webb said the kiss was magnificent, but I felt ashamed, like I’d played a dirty trick on him. Does that make me a horrible person?”
“No, just a confused one.”
“I’m tired of being confused.”
“I bet if you look deep inside, you already know the answer.”
“Yeah, but what if there’s no good answer? I’ll hurt people I care about either way.”
“Pray about it, Allie. That’s the best advice I can offer.”
I prayed. I knew prayers didn’t come with a guarantee, but they couldn’t hurt.