CHAPTER 8

Fact; the darkest time of night is just before the dawn.

The night crept in on Lili like it always did, a time bomb that could not be disengaged…tic, tic, tic, KABOOM!

Lili pulled her head off the pillow and sat up. Her feet dangled over the bed until they found the floor. Little black feathers fluttered around her toes. She was still wearing her black dress from the night before. She had bed-head hair and makeup runs on her face.

The dream started the same every time, innocently enough with a beautiful cream-colored horse. It was an Irish Cob with a long, white mane and spellbinding eyes. Lili would eventually end up standing in a cemetery. The auburn-haired girl plunged a dagger into her heart every time. Lili couldn’t seem to wake up before it happened. She would be forced to watch in vivid color as blood drained from the young girl’s heart.

“Can’t sleep either?” Keith and Katherine had spent the night in Lili’s spare room. Keith was up writing music.

“Nope, not at this time of night.”

“I’m sorry.” Keith plucked another chord on his guitar. “Can’t you like…summon an angel or something?”

“I have a pretty good inkling what I need to do.”

“Uh, oh.” Keith stopped playing.

“I have to go over there.”

“Of course you do.” Keith set his guitar down. “Get a sweater. I’m sure it’s chilly out.”

“You aren’t going to try and talk me out of it,” Lili asked as she pulled a shawl off a nearby chair and slipped on a pair of sneakers.

“Would I be able to?” he asked.

“No.”

“Ya see how I knew that? Maybe I’m psychic.” He held the door open for her.

Keith and Lili walked down West 81st Street towards the pub. It was twilight. A few late-night crawlers were making their way home. Lili didn’t draw much attention from them. They looked equally as strung out. They passed the bakery on the corner and watched the flour form a cloud through the vents. Only in New York City would you see people ending their night and people beginning their day at the same time. It truly was a city that never sleeps.

Keith and Lili held hands as they walked. “We’ve been through a lot, haven’t we kid?”

“Yes, we have,” she sighed.

“Remember the time you challenged me to a dance-off at the pub?” He laughed.

“Yeah, after you tried to embarrass me with your Shakespearean revival!”

The two burst out laughing at the memory of Keith doing the twist and the chicken. They began dancing the hand jive together in the street.

“Ha! God those were good times, Lili.” Keith wrapped his arm around her neck and kissed the top of her head. “Incidentally, I wasn’t trying to embarrass you. I was giving you an opportunity to step out of that damn dance shell you created. You never tried anything else.”

They were standing in front of the pub. Lili pressed her hands against the glass window and peered inside. “I’m the luckiest girl in the world. I have led an incredible life.”

“I’m glad you can say that, Lili, you sound sincere.”

“I can say that now, Keith, but when you’re in the middle of it, your perspective is skewed. It’s so dark. You can’t remember anything good. You can’t feel anything good. Right now, in this moment with you, I can feel all the good memories, all the joy, and even the pain all rolled together, and it’s okay. I’m standing here with you and I am having an epiphany.”

“I tend to have that effect on women.” He wrapped his arms around her as she continued to peer into the window of the pub.

They grew up here in a sense. It was a special place in the big city where they could gather and unfurl their wings. Terrence’s band played at the pub in those days. They danced, they sang, they studied, they celebrated life and death, all at Kavanagh’s Pub.

Lili and Keith entered through the back door of the pub with a key she’d been given years prior. Keith followed her. She rested her hands on Coleman’s door, then her ear. Keith made a fist and rapped the door just above her head. Lili jumped back. Keith waited a second and rapped again.

“You’re so abrupt, Keith,” she whispered.

“If you want to know if someone is home you knock on the door, you don’t press your ear up against it,” he said. “You know he’s not in there anyway.”

“Wow. Somebody’s hungry,” she mumbled.

Keith walked behind Lili as she entered Coleman’s apartment. She turned a lamp on and it cast a soft glow in the room. Lili walked around the apartment touching everything with her fingertips. She skimmed over his desk, his books, and the blanket that he covered her with once. A copy of David Copperfield sat opened on an end table. The page was earmarked;

“She was more than human to me. She was a Fairy, a Sylph, I don’t know what she was - anything that no one ever saw, and everything that everybody ever wanted. I was swallowed up in an abyss of love in an instant. There was no pausing on the brink; no looking down, or looking back; I was gone, headlong, before I had sense to say a word to her.”

Keith wondered if Lili was getting a reading from these objects but he didn’t ask. Lili walked into Coleman’s bedroom. She looked at the poorly made bed and sat down on the edge of it. Keith stood in the doorway and watched her reach for the pillow. It was the only one left. She had taken the other one from him. Lili thought it was his ancient Irish secret that he always boasted about. She realized it wasn’t his feather pillow that held magic for her, it was him…it was always him.

Keith went back into the living area and sat down in a club chair, resting his feet on the matching ottoman. He closed his eyes and waited patiently. Lili remained in Coleman’s room. She eyed a dress white shirt that he threw on a corner chair. She dropped her shawl to the floor and put his shirt on over her dress; still smelled good. She didn’t stop there. She pulled a tie off his tie rack and wrapped it around her neck like a scarf. The black sport coat was next. She grabbed change off of his dresser and slipped it into the coat pocket. No sense looking for jewelry, Coleman wasn’t the type. He wore a Celtic cross tattoo like a badge on his arm, a ring with his family crest on it and a leather watch that Lili gave him. There were a few times in the past that he wore a chain with a Celtic cross on it that belonged to his mother, but since then he had given it to his nephew Nicky.

Lili sat back down on the bed and pulled the jacket around her tighter. She took a long deep breath and waited. Then it happened, pictures like mini movies flashed into her head. Her eyes snapped open and the movie stopped. Her heart was pounding but she took another deep breath and closed her eyes again. Every moment this man showed his love for her was being replayed.

The cinnamon and amber lingered in the air like a perfume that had just been sprayed. Lili felt a deep peace that settled gently inside of her. Then warmth surrounded her body. She felt protected. She felt loved.

He loved her the second he saw her. Lili was dancing the jig, or attempting to. He was drawn to her immediately, but he couldn’t take her. He wanted to so badly. Just throw her over his shoulder and run. Lili could feel the resolution in his heart. Coleman loved Terrence, too. And he refused to break the bond.

Lili was floating on the edge of sleep; that transitional phase where the mind is quiet and awareness is audible.

They were not of this world and the fear of losing him was an illusion. She could see the faint outline of Coleman standing next to her. Why did this moment have to feel like a dream? She wanted to wrap her body around him and let the gold and white strands of light carry them off.

The brownstone is waiting for you, luv. It’s time to go home.

Lili and Keith entered the brownstone to the smell of fresh brewing coffee. Liam was walking down the stairs when he saw Lili standing there in his brother’s suit-jacket. The collar of Coleman’s white dress shirt was pulled up, and one of his ties hung around her neck like a scarf. Little black feathers from her dress continued to flutter to the floor landing around her high top sneakers. Her makeup was worn off by now and she didn’t bother combing her hair when she left for the pub, instead she pulled it up with a clip. She looked like an angel with a bent wing, but something told Liam that she was okay. He wished he could be this certain about his brother.

Lili raised her brown eyes toward Liam as he reached the last step.

“Are you okay?” he asked her.

“Yes, I am, and so is Coleman.”

He smiled at her. “Nice outfit,” he laughed.

“I know you’re mad at me, Liam.”

“That’s rubbish. I’m not mad at ya, but we do have loads to talk about.”

Guests filled the brownstone all morning. Deirdre and Grayson kept cooking food, while Katherine and Keith helped Maggie take care of the kids. James was showing Emmeline and Gabriel the new artwork that had been hung on the walls of the brownstone. Thomas arrived with a bag of fresh bagels.

Liam spent the entire time talking to Lili about what it means to be Guardians and why the Irish take it so seriously. He explained things in a way she had never heard before. An entire chapter had been left out of the history of her world.

They sat with their heads together sharing all kinds of tales and secrets. Liam could see how much Lili loved his brother. He always knew how Coleman felt about Lili but he wasn’t sure she reciprocated. There was no doubt in his mind now. Lili shrugged Coleman’s jacket off her shoulders but left his dress shirt on. She knew she could tell Liam everything and she did; including her conversation with Coleman just that morning.

“You are speaking telepathically?” Liam asked.

“I guess so. I heard everything he said but it wasn’t him exactly it was more like another version of himself.” Lili scrunched her nose, “does that make sense?”

“I see,” Liam said.

“You do?” Thomas sipped his coffee. “You understand what Lili is describing?”

“Well, er…no.”

“Who’s using telepathy?” Grayson set down a plate of blueberry banana muffins and fresh fruit.

“I don’t know what you call it but I sensed his presence in the room with me. He was there.”

Grayson took a seat at the table across from Liam. “Tell me more,” he said.

“It wasn’t the same Cole that walks around us every day. He seemed to have no worries, no problems, and no concerns. There was nothing that I could say that would alarm him; even being separated.”

“What did he say about that?” Liam asked.

“We cannot ever be separated. That our souls are tethered.” Lili leaned in, pressing her elbows against the table, “even death cannot separate us,” she whispered.

“Cosmically speaking, that is true,” Grayson said.

Thomas was unmoved by the conversation. He had heard far more bizarre things over the years. He reached into his jacket pocket, pulled out an envelope and handed it to Liam. “I heard you were collecting Andrew’s prophecies,” Thomas said. Liam unfolded the paper and placed it in a pile with the others. “That’s all of them?”

“Not exactly,” Liam said. “Coleman has a prophecy as well.”

“How on earth did my father give Cole a prophecy? He didn’t even know him,” Grayson asked.

“It wasn’t written by your father. We were in church Easter morning at St. Mary’s. The place was packed. Father O’Malley said the mass and called Coleman in front of the entire congregation. He was only eight years old at the time.

“I wasn’t born yet,” Lili said.

“You weren’t?” Grayson looked at his sister.

“Cole is eight years older than me and Easter is in April…”

“…and you were born in May,” Grayson whispered.

“I remember my brother standing there in his altar boy robes. Coleman didn’t really like being an altar boy but he did it to please our grandmother. She insisted he become a Knight.”

Lili and Thomas locked eyes, remembering the prophecy that Andrew, had left him.

“Maybe you should read that prophecy I just gave you,” Thomas suggested. Liam picked it up off the pile of wrinkled papers that had formed into perfectly weathered creased squares. Everyone did the same thing with Andrew prophecies, folded them neatly and returned them in the envelope they were given in.

“Just out of curiosity how does one become a Knight?” Grayson asked.

“You have to work through an apprenticeship first. Then you have to complete tasks like being a torchbearer and serving at the altar a certain amount of times. That all being said you can’t become a Knight until you finish the fifth grade.”

“Did you become a Knight, Liam?” Lili smiled.

“No, when my grandmother died Coleman quit,” Liam gathered the pile of papers in front of him, “and so did I.”

“So, Coleman never became a Knight?” Lili asked.

Liam shook his head.

Lili looked at Uncle Thomas and shrugged her shoulders.

Liam pulled reading glasses out of his pocket. “These are getting difficult to read. You shouldn’t have kept them folded in envelopes like this. You should have preserved them in acid-free covers.”

Thomas looked over at Grayson who just shrugged his shoulders. It seemed as though Liam was taking these prophecies just as seriously as everyone else. But it wasn’t just the content of the prophecies that had Liam concerned it was the general idea of preservation. It was an Irish thing; taught to him by his father and his father before him. Preserve your history.

Liam’s glasses sat on the edge of his nose, “I have a friend who can try and bring these back to life a bit, Lili. Then I will put them in protective covers and add them to a book for you. This is your legacy. Treat it as such.”

Lili nodded.

Liam read the prophecy to himself.

The blond angel was born under the moon and her life has always been written in the stars. As she overcomes her most vulnerable stages in waves of joy and grief the most painful lesson of all is separation. To overcome the illusion one must look within. Then, and only then will her Knight join her. Only he can accompany her in the Otherworld.

Liam took his reading glasses off and smoothed the paper out with his hand. “I can tell you a bit about my brother. He was sent to an estate in Oxfordshire when he was quite young where he was tutored for several years. I only saw him on Holidays.”

“Where in Oxfordshire?” Gabriel asked. Gabriel owned an estate in Hampshire so he was curious.

“Kingstone Lisle Park.”

“Ah, 260 acres or so,” Gabriel nodded. “Impressive estate. He was tutored well I gather.”

“Ya, but I don’t remember my brother ever being a kid. Three teachers lived on the estate with him along with a cook and a maid. We would stay at one of the cottages on the estate and the only thing I would see him do for fun was a pheasant shoot. Just 6 months after his seventeenth birthday he joined the RAF College in Cranwell. That’s where he earned his wings and continued helicopter training so he could fly full-time with the RAF Search and Rescue Force.”

“Who was making these decisions for him?” Lili asked.

“Coleman wanted to fly. It’s all he ever wanted to do.”

“Lili, I think having a prophecy at such a young age carries with it a duty. I’m sure his parents wanted him to receive the best training and education they could provide,” Gabriel said.

“Ya, meanwhile I opened up a bar,” Liam scoffed.

Lili nodded sadly. It felt to her as if the prophecy shaped his life instead of Coleman deciding his own path.

“At least you followed your dreams, Liam,” Lili said.

“I don’t know about that. I did what I knew I could do successfully. I wouldn’t call it a dream. Coleman lived with more passion and determination because of that prophecy. Or, maybe that prophecy had nothing to do with his choices. Only he can tell us that.”

“So he ended up in the war?” Grayson wanted to get back to Coleman’s history.

“It started with the Gulf War but Coleman was on many flying missions no one knew about. I didn’t know where he was from one week to the next. Something happened. I can’t tell you about it because he refuses to tell me the details, but he came back different.” Liam dragged his hand over the top of his curly reddish-brown hair. “Cole signed a DNR two days after he got back from his last mission,” Liam continued to look into Lili’s eyes. “He stopped believing he was a part of some noble cause. The walls were closing in and I could see it. He didn’t want to be here, and I couldn’t do anything to change that.”

“A DNR?” Grayson shook his head as though it was implausible. “The general purpose of a DNR is to prevent resuscitation in a terminal patient. Its purpose is to avoid a prolonged and painful death.”

Lili’s big brown eyes blinked.

“What was he thinking signing a form like that?” Grayson asked.

More silence filled the room. Liam didn’t need to explain. He just needed to let it sink in.

Lili was the first to speak, her whispers barely heard, “He wanted to die.”

“By that time Deirdre and I had a place in London not far from the pub I had opened. Cole would stay with us when he was back in town. The dreams were the worst of it. He couldn’t sleep and when he did, it was unbearable. He was finally diagnosed with night terrors and has worked very hard to overcome PTSD. They actually gave him an award for his troubles.”

“What kind of award could you give someone for that kind of suffering?” Keith asked.

“They awarded him the rank of Knight Commander.”

Lili reached for Liam’s hand and he took it.

“Hold on,” Grayson said. “You mean Cole is a Sir?”

“That’s probably what your father meant in his prophecy when he was referring to a Knight,” Liam said.

“Sir Coleman Kavanagh,” Grayson muttered.

“He saved a lot of people but he couldn’t save himself. Deirdre and I heard his screams in the night. One of us would run in to wake him but he was already awake. He was inconsolable. And then something happened. One thing,” Liam raised a finger, “one small thing that changed everything…Terrence Begley surfaced. All my father had to do was mention his name during supper one night when we were visiting in Ireland.”

Lili smiled.

“Of course, we knew we had a cousin but Chloe was protective of Terrence. You remember the story, right?”

“Yes, Chloe was pregnant with Terrence and she didn’t want to get married. Your grandmother was furious and kicked her out of the house.”

“Yes,” Liam said. “Anyway, my father hadn’t heard from his sister, Chloe, in years when he finally received a letter. Coleman’s face lit up at the dinner table that Sunday.”

“You moved here shortly after didn’t you?”

“Deirdre and I had already bought the pub and we were working on buying the air rights to it here in New York City. She was traveling with a group of Irish singers and they had several concerts booked in New York. We already knew this was where we would settle with the twins. The fact that Terrence was a stone’s throw away, was all Cole needed to make plans of his own.”

“What was he doing?”

“You know what he does, Lili. He works undercover for the FBI on mutual cases with Scotland Yard. Cole made some interesting connections in the air and overseas. He’s valuable, Lili. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“He’s invaluable to the FBI,” Lili said plainly.

“He’s invaluable to the United States is more like it,” Grayson murmured.

“He’s stopped a great load of anguish in this country. After 9/11, fear and hate spread. Those that hated the U.S. formed even more seditious groups, rallying their cause. But knowing there is no love lost between our countries, who in their wildest dreams would imagine the U.S. would need an Irishman.”

“Ha!” Grayson laughed out loud then quickly gathered his composure. “That’s really not funny.”

“Yes, it is,” he smirked, “Coleman had ideas of his own,” he said, with a smarmy tone to his voice, “he needed help too; help from a well-educated, experienced psychotherapist,” Liam leaned back in his chair.

“Cecelia Lavalle,” Lili whispered.

“That was his condition,” Liam said flatly, throwing his glasses on the table.

“Wait a second; I thought he was in love with Cecelia.” Grayson looked over at Lili for an explanation.

“I may not be as Gifted as everyone thinks,” she scrunched her nose. Everyone burst into laughter.

“Why did you wait, Lili? That’s what I want to know. Why did you wait so long to tell him you were Gifted?” Liam remained calm but you could hear the frustration in his voice. “The wasted time, the unnecessary heartbreak…”

“We are not doing this!” Grayson stood up. “We are not questioning my sister’s motives.” Thomas quickly stood up and placed his hand on Grayson’s shoulder.

But Liam was unmoved. He continued to stare at Lili for the answer, his green eyes piercing through her heart’s barrier.

“I barely understand who I am since Terrence left my side,” Lili said, defensively. “I have had secrets kept from me by my own father! I hardly think I need to explain anything to you, Liam Kavanagh. You are not so endearing that I should bare my secrets to you!”

“Whoa…ho…ho…” Grayson bellowed. “She’s right, Liam and you know it. How could you think we would toss out private family issues when we are just remembering them ourselves?”

Liam stood up, “Coleman has never been anything but kind and supportive and…my god, he followed Lili everywhere making sure she was alright and…”

“Do you think our parents were killed by enemies?” Grayson said firmly without thought.

“Grayson,” she whispered, but Lili was shocked.

“What are you saying?” Liam whispered.

“Alright, that’s enough,” Thomas interjected. “We are all feeling a lot of things right now.”

“You question my brother’s generosity,” Liam said.

“You question my sister’s heart,” Grayson responded.

Lili stood between them, arms outstretched, more of a conductor of their energy than a breach of it. “Neither of you know what it is to be Gifted or to be a Guardian. Maybe you both should calm down.”

Both Grayson and Liam slunk down in their chairs.

“I would have told you the truth right after Terrence died,” Liam’s face softened and his mind trailed off in the memory of her.

Lili’s anguish seeped from her pores back then, although she thought it was hidden behind a clever facade. The light can be ferocious, especially in the brownstone. Love can become a desperate beam.

Lili sat back down and Liam captured her hands in his. “My brother fell in love with you the second he saw ya.” Liam’s face got serious. “Terrence would not have stood a chance if Coleman stepped in.”

“I believe that,” Lili whispered.

“He saw the light dance around you both and he couldn’t interfere. Guards don’t interfere with happiness.” Lili watched Liam’s face as he told his brother’s story.

What sorrow it is to feel love and not be able to express it. Coleman wasn’t concerned about the reciprocation, rather it was the inability to unleash his love for Lili that left him foreboding. It was the simple gestures that tangled his heart; to hold her hand and sweep the hair from her shoulders, to touch her waist when he passed her in the hallway of the brownstone, to unravel the hair from her necklace or scoop her into a bear hug when she laughed. It is not our spiritual nature to restrain love.

“He grew dependent on Cecelia,” Liam said. “Especially after Terrence died.”

The energy in the room began to calm. Keith and James had taken the twins into the small courtyard to kick the ball around, and Maggie, Deirdre and Katherine took care of the whimpering Vanessa over a scraped knee and Fiona who had just awakened to be fed. The gentle laughter and cries eased the tension in the room.

“I would not have let you wander around like ya did, Lili. But I had no say.”

“You can have the facts but not the wisdom to deal with it,” Thomas said. “You all know so little about the law of processing; the time it takes between revelation and realization.” Thomas paused and leaned his elbows against the table. “That’s why Cole said, trust is a first priority, not a last resort. It wasn’t about Lili trusting him it was about Lili trusting herself. It’s always been about Lili trusting herself.”