“It is the sandstorm that shape the stone statues of the desert. It is the struggles of life that form a person’s character.”
-Native American Proverb
The house was quiet. The twins, Declan and Finnegan had gone pubbing. Anne tucked Paddy in bed with a hot toddy and a good book while she went out to meet with her friends.
Coleman had fixed the porch roof off the back of the house a few years back so his parents could sit by the fire outside and stay dry. Anne loved the rain, she loved the sound of it and she loved watching it fall. Since there was no shortage of it in Ireland, it was the perfect place to sit and enjoy it. Coleman was building a fire when Lili walked outside.
“You’re different in Ireland,” she said.
“I am?” He stopped loading wood onto the burning twigs. “I guess, I am,” he shrugged. “I’m happy to be home, but I’m happier you are with me.” He clapped the dirt off his hands. “I need to tell you something.”
“You can tell me anything.” A small breeze moved her hair. The sensation made her look over his shoulder, but she quickly returned her attention to him.
“We haven’t talked personally…I mean as a couple about children.”
Coleman sat in front of her on a chair he had moved there specifically to have this conversation.
“Is it important for you to have a family to continue your legacy?”
“What? No. No, Lil.”
“It would be if you…”
“If I what? If I loved someone else?” He stood abruptly.
“I’ve obviously upset you,” she said.
“I’ve upset me!” He ran his hand briskly through his hair, and grabbed the stoker to poke logs in the fire. He stared into the blazing fire he had built, thinking about the darkest secret he had and what a risk it was to tell her, but Coleman couldn’t let Lili carry the burden alone.
“Maybe it’s you that should love someone else,” he said. “I’ve made choices from a place you know nothing about.” He sat back down and looked straight into her big brown eyes. “I can’t have children either, Lil.”
Her eyelashes fluttered, goading him to open his soul to her. Coleman could feel the safety around him but he couldn’t see it like Lili could. Two angels like guards stood in the room with them. They both held a shield in one hand and a scepter in the other. These were Celtic angels. She could see the Celtic knot etched into each shield.
Coleman didn’t know what she was doing but neither did Lili. If she was angry at him for keeping this from her she couldn’t feel it. The Gift of Tranquility was taking on a new form. Even Davin Christoff couldn’t train her to do this. Lili had called to the angels of Ireland without realizing it.
“I love kids, always have. Dreamed of havin’ bairns of my own, once. A long time ago.”
“I flew a lot of rescue missions, Lil, but one particular day changed me forever. We should have extracted twenty-five people, but only ended up saving one, and lost one of our own in the process. It was a bloodbath and that’s all I’m willing to say about it. I’ve been terrorized by the memories of that day, and I’m a strong bloke.”
Lili absorbed every word through every pore of her body, but it didn’t crush her spirit. She sympathized with him, but wasn’t drowning in the agony of it.
“Was Cecelia Lavalle able to help you?”
“Yes. Cecelia is the best in her field. I had to tell her every detail that I could remember so she could find anything that could trigger me. She uses hypnotherapy in PTSD cases and has changed lives quite dramatically.”
Lili had a twinge of regret that she hadn’t reached out to Cecelia as a friend.
“I knew she could make things right for me, but first I had to find a way to work for the U.S. government in order to become a patient of hers.”
Lili already knew the story but not from Coleman’s lips and she wanted to hear him tell it.
“I was working for Scotland Yard as a lead investigator on a mutual case with the FBI. That’s how I met Roger. We made a great team, there’s no doubt about that, but I had massive connections, Roger could never have made, and he knew it. There was one particular connection that helped close my last case and send me back home to Ireland.”
Coleman stood up and poured a cup of tea. “Tea, to help keep you warm?”
“Sure.”
“Remember I said we managed to save one person on that day from hell?”
“Yes.”
“Well, that person is the son of a very powerful man in Afghanistan.” Coleman handed her a cup, “and that eighteen year-old kid only trusted me.”
“He trusts you because you saved him?”
“I guess so. Anyway, his information was invaluable.”
“So that explains how you managed to become a patient of the leading psychiatrist in PTSD but it doesn’t explain why you can’t have children.”
“I returned to Ireland a different man. I hated the world and I didn’t want to bring anyone else into it. We have seven billion people on the planet, and more war and hate than I care to see. I was barely a living man myself, caught up in whisky every night; unable to connect to the earth the way I had before. I found no joy. You understand, Lil?”
“You know I do.”
He breathed a deep sigh. He rubbed the scruff on his face and then through his hair. “I went to the doctor and had the snip.”
“The snip?” Lili’s head scrambled to search for the meaning. “Oh…” she shook her head in understanding. “You had a vasectomy.”
“I kept the truth from you out of my own shame.” He fell to his knees in front of her. “I don’t regret it, Lil. That’s the hardest thing I have to say to you. You had your choice brutally stripped away and I gave it up willingly. How can you ever look at me the same?”
“Coleman…”
“All the time I’ve known ya, lass…the whole time. If I could have avoided you I would never have to look into your eyes and tell ya the truth. But then I would die with all the love and passion I have in my heart for you. I let you carry the burden on your own because I felt ashamed.”
“You feel ashamed because you don’t regret it not because you made the choice. Life unfolded and you chose from that place; makes you as innocent as I am. We’re just two broken people finding the best in each other.” She took his face in her hands and dried his damp cheeks. “Let’s move on together, sweetheart.”
Coleman stood up and pulled her into a tight embrace. He lifted her until her toes touched the floor. When he released her she rested her head on his chest. Lili could hear Coleman’s heartbeat as they embraced each other warmly. His heartbeat turned into something oddly familiar. It wasn’t his heartbeat at all. Lili saw a shadow in the corner of the room. Coleman felt her arms release him so he took a step back to see what she was looking at.
“Who is it, Lil?”
“The room is a bit crowded at the moment. I think I know who it is, but it doesn’t feel right.”
Coleman let go of her hand and stepped further back to give her space. The worst thing he could do was overprotect her.
“I came to say goodbye, sweetheart,” Terrence said.
“Why would you say goodbye?”
“Three’s a crowd, Lili. You will, quite naturally, be unaware of my presence as your life moves onward.”
“I will never let that happen. I’m so sorry,” Lili whispered.
Terrence plucked his violin. “Listen to me, sweetheart, your relationship with Cole could get a little crowded. It’s not healthy for you to remember me every second. Once in a while is perfectly fine. Once in a day, once a month, then once a year…”
“No, I will never forget you,” her voice trembled.
“It’s okay. Fall in love. Be passionate. Let go.”
“Just because I’m with Cole doesn’t mean I don’t need you,” Lili cried. “You’re wrong.”
“Sweetheart, I’ll always be right here,” he held his hands over his heart, “whenever you need me.”
“I will always need you!” Lili cried. This was the only thing Coleman heard of the entire conversation. She was already outside by this time.
“Our relationship can never be what it was, you have to let go of that,” Terrence said softly.
Lili ran a few feet chasing a ghost that no one else could see.
“We will meet again, someday.” Terrence melded with the setting sun.
Coleman watched as she fell to her knees in tears. He grabbed the blankets that she was nestled in earlier. He was careful when he approached her, wrapping the blanket around her, then, sitting next to her in the thick grass. He moved the hair off her face, including the strands dampened by her tears.
She continued to look for Terrence against the backdrop of the evening stars. Terrence had no reason to linger if Lili was safe and happy. Misery never looked so good. He used to touch her as if she was a precious antiquity, his curly reddish-brown hair tickling her face when they kissed. He used to make her feel like she could do anything, and at the same time that nothing needed to be done. He used to call her sweetheart. He used to.
“It feels like…I’m losing him all over again,” she shook her head.
“You will never lose Terrence,” Coleman said. He touched her cheek, drying the single tear that fell. “Your heart would have to be made of stone to deny the memory of those you have loved. He is a part of you and always will be.”
“Do you think it’s wrong to want you both?”
“You can’t have us both?” Coleman asked.
“I don’t think so,” Lili cried. “I don’t understand…”
“Terrence must sense something, Lil. Maybe, you’re struggling a bit. I am the first relationship you’ve had since Terrence died. Do you feel guilty?”
“I…I will never stop loving him,” she blurted.
“You didn’t answer my question.” He gently tucked her hair behind her ear.
Lili was caught between a lovely apparition and an effervescent soul. The closer she got to Coleman the less of Terrence she would see.
“Lil, I have a gifted mother, with friends who have been talking to people on the other side for as long as I can remember. They don’t usually lie. Terrence is giving you a little room because you need it. You can trust him.”
“I will always love him,” she whispered.
“I couldn’t love you if you didn’t,” he paused, “but I’m not going to let you cling to his shadow. You need flesh and blood.”
Coleman kissed her as a reminder of what they had. It wasn’t like anything Lili had experienced, not even with Terrence, and Lili wasn’t willing to give it up. The cinnamon and amber was soothing and passionate.
They sat in the grass watching the final strand of the golden sun set beyond the hills. It was cold but the blankets were thick and heavy and held their warmth. They waited but Terrence didn’t come back.
Suddenly, her mind leapt back to their discussion. Coleman couldn’t have children. It didn’t matter to Lili that it was by his choice. She could feel the love surrounding them.
“Cole,” she whispered.
“Yes, luv.”
“Will you marry me?” she asked.
“Without a doubt,” he said. “The question is…will you marry me?” he asked.
“Yes,” she kissed him.
“Yes,” she kissed him again.
“Yes…”