You must be cross with me for not having replied to your letter, and you’re right to be, Marianna, but I’m already cross with myself. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I just don’t know … The smallest task, the least activity makes me tired … Go ahead and scold me … I’m a real lazy-bones. I wish I could spend all day long sitting in the shade of the chestnut trees, and all night staring up at the sky. Everything that had most charm now bores me. I no longer have any desire to go for walks in the chestnut grove, or to sing, I can’t laugh any more – everything irritates me. Your poor friend Maria is feeling very sad! Even I don’t know why. Perhaps the Good Lord wanted to show me how transient are the joys and pleasures that don’t belong to life inside the convent. Oh God, there are moments when I’m almost afraid of myself … because even my prayers are distracted … God, forgive me, and comfort me! God, sustain me!
Carino has almost ceased to be tame, because for many days now I haven’t been playing with him any more. He flies away from me! Have I really become so disagreeable? Vigilante doesn’t show me the same affection that he used to, because I don’t pay attention to him, and he realizes that he’s being a nuisance.
Do you think I could be ill, Marianna? Between you and me, I almost wish I were ill, because then there’d be a reason for all this boredom and tiredness, and they wouldn’t frighten me.
But you’re well, and happy, and light-hearted – you must write to me, write often. Love me a hundred times better, because I’m in more need of your love and you’re much dearer to me now, and the only sweet feeling left to me is a great fondness for my loved ones, for everyone I know, and as you can imagine, for you too!