The busier we become, the more we try to cram into our days and the less time we seem to have for ourselves. Too often we place our needs last, so when we finally collapse into bed we can only stare at the ceiling and long for some time on our own.
‘I wish I had more time to myself' is a common lament. We conjure up images of freedom from the many demands on our time, spending hours at a spa or losing track of time while surfing the waves. Such imagining triggers a feeling of relaxation but is also freighted with guilt. The thought of taking time out for ourselves to be on our own and do whatever we choose is usually accompanied by a feeling that we are being selfish and worries about what it might mean for the family or for colleagues. So we put it off, discounting the possible benefits to ourselves or dismissing it as all too hard. Sadly, any request for me time tends to be viewed as evidence that we are not coping, and we don't like to be seen as not coping.
We usually take time out only when we really need to switch off, and when this happens we are often overtired, sick and in need of recuperation. Me time is complicated by negative associations with escapism, guilt and regret as well as overwhelm, stress and fatigue. All these negative connotations mean we tend to steer clear of it. Well, I am about to change your perception of the importance of me time, to persuade you that you should view it as vital for your health and wellbeing. Take this as permission to set aside some time for yourself!
Our need for time in which to do what we choose is increasingly urgent in an overconnected, overwhelmed and overstimulated world. As we are living faster, our life roles are changing. A woman may be a mum, a businesswoman, an executive, a volunteer and a coach. Women are juggling many roles within the home and in their professional lives, but it isn't just women who have experienced a shift in life roles.
In their personal and professional lives, men too are balancing different roles from what was expected 20, 30 or 50 years ago. Traditionally a man's role was as the breadwinner. He went to work early, worked hard all day, came home at the end of the day to a made meal, saw his family briefly if he was lucky, then went to bed, to follow the same routine the next day, and the next. Over the past 30 years we have seen men's roles shift from remote breadwinner to hands-on parent. Increasingly men are taking on the role of stay-at-home dad and primary caregiver while their partner goes to work.
The importance we ascribe to having time on our own also needs to change as we juggle multiple life roles, the demands these bring and the impact they have on our health and wellbeing.
Although we know work and life roles are changing, the information we are sharing on this topic has yet to catch up. Enter ‘me time' in Google and you will see women lounging in day spas with cucumber slices over their eyes or walking contentedly on the beach — image after image of positive affirmations. At the time of writing, the first image of a man was of his feet curled up with a pair of women's feet in front of an open fireplace.
The importance of me time for men does not rate highly on discussion lists. In the focus groups conducted during research for this book, most women believed it was important for their partners to have time on their own. However, they also felt that when men did take time for themselves they did not experience the same amount of guilt as women do. The consensus among the women in these groups was that it is ‘easier for men to switch off' and that they ‘take it [me time] when they need it'.
The responses of the men in the groups were interesting. They understood the importance for their partner of taking time for themselves and said they encouraged her to do so. One shared his perspective on why men found it harder to make time for themselves: ‘Men nowadays are expected to do so much more. We are expected to work, take on family roles, be fit, be involved with the kids' sports and activities. Sitting watching the footy or going for a surf is an important way for us to switch off from everything, but there seems so much to do nowadays that even these opportunities are becoming rarer'.
It isn't how much time we have, but rather what we do with it that matters.
At the British Psychological Society's Division of Occupational Psychology Annual Conference in Glasgow in 2015, Dr Almuth McDowall from the Birkbeck University of London, presented research into me time that drew on a mix of monthly diary entries and a questionnaire on work–life balance, family relationships, engagement at work and life satisfaction. The study found that the quantity of time spent in me time activities was not the critical factor in the experience of work–life balance, wellbeing and workplace engagement. What really counted was the quality of the time spent doing what we like. The study concluded that high-quality me time improved psychological wellbeing, relationships and productivity. It isn't how much time we have, but rather what we do with it that matters.
Taking time out for yourself has many physical and psychological benefits including:
There are additional benefits for the family:
Taking time for ourselves allows us to connect wholeheartedly with what it is we really love to do. We often settle for compromise to please others. We work with those around us to ensure everyone else is happy and their needs are met, even if our own are not. Spending time alone allows us to indulge ourselves in the things we love to do without having to consider anyone else's needs.
But is that what we really mean by taking time out? Through the focus groups conducted during the writing of this book I wanted to gain insights from a spectrum of people of different genders, employment backgrounds and cultures to find out what everyday people saw as me time, and if they were given the opportunity to take time for themselves what they would do with it. The results were interesting.
Across all groups there was a strong consensus that taking time out for yourself suggests selfishness, and that if you do so your partner should have a similar opportunity. If you go out shopping for the afternoon, surely your partner can watch the footy with his mates; if you take time to go have a coffee on your own in the morning, you feel like you should spend the afternoon with the kids.
So because me time often carries a sense of guilt and mutual obligation it is often not fully experienced and enjoyed. By associating it with self-indulgence, we fail to recognise the important part it plays in our being effective at work and at home. Even when we understand its importance for our health and happiness we continue to put the needs of others first.
Ask 100 people this question and you would be surprised by the variations in responses, and even more surprised by how many would choose to spend their me time with someone else. Take a look at your ‘me time' day. Is it all to be spent on your own, or have you chosen to have ‘coffee with friends', ‘dinner with your partner' or ‘beach with the kids'? Me time implies time spent alone, but in reality it is about having the ability to choose how you use your time.
Rather than being a selfish luxury, me time is crucial to optimal health and wellbeing and to creating a habitat for health.
By seeing me time in terms of setting time aside for slowing down, re-energising and having fun, it can then be understood as less about selfishness and more about living the life you choose so you can be the very best version of yourself — an energetic, happy and fun person to be around. It's about taking time out from daily stressors, carving out space in which to think or relax. I want people to start to see me time as something that, rather than being a selfish luxury, is crucial to optimal health and wellbeing and to creating a habitat for health.
How you choose to use your time will vary widely depending on your needs and state of mind. Are you feeling exhausted? Do you need time on your own because you are feeling overwhelmed? Do you need a day's break from deadlines, a day of unscheduled play with your family? There are many versions of me time, from nourishing your body at a spa to going for a walk or a run to reading a book in bed. A creative activity such as painting, scrapbooking or drawing is another way to disconnect and get lost in your own space.
Me time is really about finding what it is that lights you up. It could be learning something new, hanging out with friends, going to the movies, spending time on social media, chatting with a neighbour, tinkering in the shed, hanging out with your kids, spending time with your partner, lying on the couch at night watching a movie that makes you laugh, or rerunning old home movies from when the kids were little. It could be something big and dramatic like ‘I'm going to climb a mountain and find myself', but more likely it will be something as simple as a walk under the stars or just sitting on the verandah and watching the world go by. The list really is endless, but we need to grab the opportunities for these energy top-ups whenever and wherever they arise.
Me time is really about finding what it is that lights you up.
Those readers who still see these sorts of activities as an ‘unproductive' use of time should think again. Certainly they are not directly measurable in terms of income generation, yet they are the foundation on which your best work is based, because after this time out you return to work revitalised and re-energised, with a spring in your step.
I am fortunate that every morning I get to drive along some of the most beautiful beaches in Australia, and before I reach the crest in the road that reveals the rolling waves and white sandy beaches I know if the surf is up. I know this by the number of cars parked along the roadside and, on a good day, the sea of surfers — men and women, boys and girls — gathered on the headland looking out over the ocean, soaking in the beauty and checking out the waves. Many of them, after their early-morning surf, will go home and don a business suit, drive to work and sit in an executive office all day before driving home, changing their suit for board shorts and a t-shirt and taking off again to check out the surf. Their days are bookended by an activity that helps release the pressures and overwhelm of the day. It is a valuable transition time that allows them to give their best to both their work and their family.
The activities we engage in at these transition points between home and work, and work and home impact on how we turn up in each environment. When we can use these times to switch off we are able to come home relaxed and go to work with focus.
One of the main reasons we don't prioritise me time is because we perceive ourselves as time poor. If this is you then try this simple way to mark out boundaries around your time, as well as creating a time you will look forward to every day.
I call it my ‘personal happy hour'. Let's say you have one hour to spend just on you and your needs over a whole week. (If you really feel you don't have an hour a week, then we need to talk some more!) Could you block out ten minutes, six days a week, to meditate, watch television, focus on your breathing, go for a walk, have a cup of tea, listen to music? Remember, it is just 60 minutes out of the whole week. Can you give yourself that? I hope so.
Let's build on that. Once you have successfully carved out one hour a week for yourself, try for twice a week, then increase it until you are giving yourself one personal happy hour each and every day. Now that is a goal worth pursuing! Imagine the potential physical and psychological benefits you could reap from focusing on your own needs for one hour in every 24. Imagine, then schedule it in!
Whether you're wrangling toddlers, sleeplessly waiting for your teen to come home, caring for your ageing parents, or all of the above, everyone needs a break for sanity's sake. This means taking time each day to do something for yourself. Stuck for ideas? Here are 52 ways to switch off and have a little more me time.
‘Me time' isn't the only use of time that is good for our health. The concept of quiet time has been adopted by daycare and preschool centres for years and has been a part of the parenting toolkit for generations. Many cultures have embraced the afternoon siesta, where after a morning of hard work businesses close for a long meal and a couple of hours' rest. The siesta has been practised across the Mediterranean and southern Europe for many generations as a way to rest and re-energise in the heat of the afternoon. Unfortunately western cultures generally have not taken up the practice, in spite of medical evidence supporting it. Against the natural energy cycles of the body, workers across the western world continue to push through their day with diminished energy and focus. Bring on the siesta, I say!
Yet we have accepted the importance of quiet time for our children. After lunch and a little outside active play, daycare centres roll out mattresses so little children can curl up for an hour or two of rest mid afternoon. With quiet time a part of their daily schedule, children have the energy to carry them through an active afternoon of painting, running, climbing, listening, learning and exploring.
For many parents, afternoon quiet time during the school holidays is a saviour. After a hectic morning and lunch, the television is switched on for an afternoon movie, tablets are brought out or children are sent to their bedroom for reading or quiet play. Parents understand that without quiet time the children will become unbearable by dinner, so quiet time is valuable for everyone, especially parents. Quiet time provides solace in a hectic day.
Have you ever been driving along in your car with the radio on while having a conversation? After a time you realise you are not really paying attention to either; all you can hear is the blending of voices with the blur of the radio. Once you turn off the radio you can pay more attention to the person speaking. The persistent background noise divides your attention so you are not effectively tuning into anything. This can be the result of constant activity and persistent stimulation.
Quiet time allows us to turn down the noise, to rest and repair, to notice, to take time out … to switch off. Additionally, it gives us the opportunity to clear our mind and connect with how we are feeling in that moment. I remember as a new mum being given the advice that when my baby slept so should I, so I could also be rested. At the time I scoffed at this idea (even though I'd heard it many times), because this was my opportunity to get all my chores done. There was just no time to rest. This meant that the only time I ever rested was when I was exhausted. Looking back, I wish I had listened to the wisdom of people who had lived in a time that wasn't so frantic. Whether I rested or not, the chores were always there and never seemed to be completed. If I had my time again I would snatch up with both hands every opportunity to take a nap!
Quiet time allows us to turn down the noise, to rest and repair, to notice, to take time out … to switch off.
One benefit of quiet time (although we might not like to admit it) is that it allows us to switch off from others. As harsh as it may sound, being around other people all the time can be exhausting. As we discussed earlier in the book, being connected to people 24/7 leaves little time to focus on ourselves, our own needs and those of the people who matter most to us. Disconnecting gives us the opportunity to decompress in the calm of our own space, to focus on our own energy rather than the mixed and often overwhelming energy of everyone else in our lives.
You may feel compelled to take some quiet time as a reaction to feeling overconnected, overwhelmed or overstimulated. A better option is to use it as a preventive tool, scheduling it in, preferably in the afternoon and particularly on weekends. Use this time for yourself and your family, so everyone has a chance to switch off. Look for technology-free activities, as staying connected can counteract the benefits of taking time out in the first place.
If you find carving out quiet time challenging, try starting small, even if it is only five minutes a day. As discussed in earlier chapters, practising meditation or breathing exercises or journaling are all great ways to spend quiet time. In time you will find these practices come more naturally, and although the time will pass quicker the benefits will also be achieved more quickly.
Become aware of others' needs for quiet time. When your children take themselves off to their room to read a book at the end of the day they are often self-regulating, meaning they are creating their own opportunity to decompress, find calm and switch off.
A research paper published in Frontiers in Psychology explored the benefits and differences of unstructured versus structured activity time for children and how both impacted on complex cognitive abilities such as switching between tasks, resisting impulses and attention. The research found that children who spent more time in unstructured activities, such as playing alone or with friends, singing or bike riding, performed better in all areas compared with those who undertook more structured activities, such as sports practice, piano lessons or homework.
By scheduling unstructured quiet time into our day we are providing ourselves with opportunities to switch off mentally and physically and in doing so hit the reset button, giving us the energy to take us through the rest of the day. Creating even a 10- to 15-minute window of quiet time will have personal, health and productivity benefits.
Any activity that helps you to calm down and focus on something you enjoy is good for quiet time. This is not ‘productive time'; it is down time, a chance to chill out.